“He doesn’t know.”
“Why not?” She leans forward, almost like she’s about to pounce on me if I don’t tell her the truth soon.
“He doesn’t know because”—my breath hitches in my chest—“because he’s the reason I’m like this.”
Leah cocks her head to the side, a questionable look in her eyes. “What do you mean he’s the reason?”
A tremble rocks my lip, my jaw shakes, my hands sweat, and my eyes fill with sorrow. “I love him, Leah.” A tear dribbles down my cheek. “I love him.”
As understanding hits her, her eyes quickly soften from their once annoyed state, and she rounds the table and sits in the chair next to me, taking my hand in hers.
“Oh, Ryan. I had no clue.”
“Neither did I,” I answer. “It struck me a few weeks ago, and I haven’t been the same since. We haven’t been the same since. I’m awkward and uncomfortable around him, and I can’t seem to find normal. He sees it. He called me out on it, and I don’t know how to make it better.” I take a deep breath. “I love him, Leah, and he’s marrying someone else, someone who I actually really like.”
“Sage is really nice.”
I roll my eyes. “I know. She’s the best. It’s almost impossible to hate her.”
“How can you hate someone so sweet and kind?”
I throw my hands up in defeat. “You can’t, which makes this situation so much worse. At least if I hated his girlfriend, I could possibly throw him for a loop and tell him about my feelings, see if on some off chance he felt the same way . . . but I can’t do that to Sage.”
“You really can’t, and you can’t do that to Colby. He is in love with her, Ryan, and he wants to be married to her.”
“Yeah, thanks for the reminder.” I wipe away my tears and take a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do.”
Leah twists her lips to the side and stares at me, her eyes searching mine. The look. “There is really nothing you can do, sweetie.” I knew I wasn’t going to like what she had to say. “You don’t want to hurt either of them, so you’re going to have to get over him.”
“Get over him? Just like that? How is that even possible when he wants to hang out with me? Before he got engaged, when I realized the feelings I had for him, it was hard enough. I’ve never been in love with someone before, so trying to act like everything is normal . . . It was horrendous. But now”—I shake my head—“I just can’t.” I can’t pretend.
“So what are you going to do? Phase him out? Do you really think he’s going to let you do that?”
I shake my head, knowing that’s not an option.
“I don’t know, Leah. Maybe I find a new job, a new place to live and start fresh.” Again.
“But you haven’t even been here for a year. You should have a year at least under your belt before you move on.”
“So then how do you think I combat these feelings? I can’t go five minutes without wanting to cry. Life really isn’t fair, you know? Why couldn’t I have had him? I focused so hard on being perfect. I tried so hard to be worthy of love. Why did it take me so long to find the one? Why did it have to happen this way? With someone I can’t have?”
“Because life is fucked up and doesn’t work like the fairy tales we used to watch as little girls. Life is complicated, a roller coaster of emotions that strips us bare and exposes all of our insecurities. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.” I feel drained, what’s one more question at this point?
“Do you honestly, in your heart, think you can do something about this? Looking past your feelings and desires, is it realistic to say this could turn around? That Colby could be yours?”
Could he be mine? In a fantasy world where everything goes my way, sure. But in the real world . . .
Deflated, I shake my head. “I don’t see how.”
Leah squeezes my hand. “Then I think you need to take some time and try to accept it.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Love is never easy, sweetie.” She brings me into a hug, her arms wrapping around my shoulders. And even though I love and appreciate Leah, her comforting hug isn’t half as wonderful as Colby’s.
When she pulls away, she wipes a tear off my cheek and says, “Tyler’s friend is still single, and he would be perfect for you.”
“No, Leah.”
“Come on,” she presses. “He is so hot, has that whole dark-hair, dark-eyes vibe, kind of like Colby, but this man is something else. Real smooth. He would easily get you out of this rut.” If only it was just a rut.
“No. I don’t want to jump into a relationship because I’m heartbroken. That’s asking for trouble.” And it would probably hurt just as much. I need to harden my heart. That’s the only way to get through this. Go back to feeling . . . devoid of everything good. Empty.
“Who said anything about a relationship? Have a little fun. You deserve it, plus it will give you an excuse as to why you’re not hanging out with Colby as much.”
Ugh.
She’s the devil. Leah is the reincarnation of the devil, because that reasoning right there makes me want to say yes. The word is on the tip of my tongue, ready to jump head first into Tyler’s friend’s arms. It would be so easy. Have some fun, have some much-needed sex, and get lost in a man while trying to forget about the one who owns my heart. It would be so easy to revert back to old ways, to give into the temptation of getting lost in another crappy relationship. But I’m trying to be better, I’m trying to improve my self-love and going out with Tyler’s friend is not the way to do that.
And also, for some annoying reason, I think about Colby and what he might think. What he’s told me time and time again. I deserve more. I deserve someone who treats me right. Who knows, maybe Donovan is that person, but I don’t think I’m ready to take that chance, especially with how fragile I feel right now.
Coming to a decision, I shake my head. “No, I’m fine. I’ll think of something.”
“Are you sure?” No.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
Leah pats my leg and stands, clearing the dinner table. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
Chapter Ninety-One
RYAN
The metal table beneath my hand shakes, my coffee rocking ever so slightly as my leg bounces up and down out of pure nerves.
Three unanswered phone calls, countless texts, and one angry voicemail has led me to this point, where I’m sitting outside a little coffee shop waiting for Colby and Sage to show up for a little “catch-up.”
I still don’t know what I’m going to say to them. What does one really say to someone they’re in love with, someone they’ve been avoiding? Sorry, I can’t get you out of my mind, and my cold, black soul is splintering with every thought of you? Not so much.
It’s why I’ve tried to avoid this gathering, but there were only so many times I could miss a text or phone call before Colby came charging to my apartment looking for me.
And it’s why I’m sitting at this table, waiting for them, a freaking engagement present at my side, and the fakest smile I can muster plastered on my face.
I’m happy for them.
They are perfect for each other.
You don’t love him.
I repeat my new mantra over and over in my head, trying to convince myself that yes, I do believe everything I’m saying.
But when I look up, my mantra is thrown out the window the moment my eyes land on Colby, walking toward me in a pair of perfectly fit jeans, a tight white T-shirt that clings to every corded muscle in his chest and stomach, and a pair of aviators that cover those deep mysterious eyes of his, the eyes I used to be able to stare into without crying.
His stride is purposeful as he makes his way toward me, his shoulders tight and crisp with his walk, a watch on his left wrist, chunky and thick, adding to his breathtaking fighter-pilot appeal. Everything about him screams alpha, from the freshly shaven, carved jaw, to the rugged air surrounding
him. One look at him and people know not to mess with him, and yet, he is gentle, sweet, and thoughtful. A lethal combination that has consumed my entire soul.
When he reaches the table, he removes his sunglasses and casts those dark eyes on me, angry and relieved.
“Are you just going to sit there? Give me a fucking hug.”
Abruptly, I stand and circle my arms around Colby, taking in his masculine scent and the way his arms protectively shield me from everything around us. I shouldn’t take such pleasure in this hug, or the way being near him again ignites a fire deep within me, but being the sadist I am, I spend a few extra seconds pressing my cheek to his chest and soaking in every single second in his arms.
His large hand cups the back of my head as he presses a sweet kiss to the top of my hair, mumbling, “I’ve missed you, Ryan.” I’ve missed you more than you’ll ever know.
I squeeze my eyes shut and will back the tears. Not here. Not now.
Deep breaths.
You can do this.
Letting the air flow through my lungs, allowing a few breaths to pass, I finally say, “I’ve missed you too.”
When he pulls back, my heart seizes, constricts. At the loss of his arms, it almost feels like I’m having a heart attack, short breaths, sharp pains . . . the wish for one more second. He takes a seat and I do as well, straightening my oversize, off-the-shoulder shirt, trying to gather my strength before looking at him again. When I’m finally brave enough, I’m hit with his penetrating gaze.
“You’ve lost weight.” It isn’t a question, it’s a statement. I tried to wear something a little looser so he wouldn’t notice, but apparently I didn’t do a good enough job.
“Really?” I ask, stupidly. It’s obvious I’ve lost weight, and no matter how much I’ve tried to feed myself, I haven’t been hungry. My stomach has felt too sick to take any food. It’s like I am having the post-breakup blues without experiencing the breakup. Although to my heart . . . it’s the worst breakup I’ve ever endured.
“Yeah, you have. What’s going on, Ryan? Why are you avoiding me?”
Because I’m desperately in love with you, and I can’t stand that you’re going to marry someone else.
Not answering him, because honestly, I don’t know what to say, I look around and say, “Where’s Sage? I thought she was coming too.”
“She’s running a little late. Now answer my question. Why are you avoiding me?” His glare is so serious I can feel myself melting in my seat.
I have to lie, but I don’t know what to use as an excuse other than . . .
“I, uh, took the engagement hard.” His face softens. “As you know, I don’t have the best of luck when it comes to men. Rory recently married and now you, so it was just hard on me.” The lie falls off my tongue a little easier than expected. Possibly because a lot of that is true. “It makes me a shitty friend, and I’m sorry.”
“I thought that’s what it might have been.” Oh Colby, if you only knew. “I’m sorry. I should have realized that before including you with everything. I know it can’t be easy on you.”
“No, I’m glad I was a part of it. I just had to be a grown-up about it, that’s all. Sorry it took me so long.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m just glad you’re back.” He pauses. “You’re back, right? No more avoiding me?”
I swallow hard, keeping my eyes trained on him. “No more avoiding you.”
A sense of relief washes over him as he takes my hand in his. “Good, because I’ve missed your sassy mouth and our burrito lunches.” I’ve missed everything. Seeing you, knowing you were available for me, knowing you were my best friend.
“You’re not mad at me?”
“Mad? Maybe for a while, but not now though. Now I know why you weren’t talking to me. You have to be honest with me, Ryan.” He looks me up and down. “And you have to fucking eat.”
Self-consciously I pull on my shirt. “Yeah, don’t worry about that. I’ll go eat a donut after this.”
“What about pancakes? I don’t have anything—”
“Ugh, I’m so sorry,” Sage says, jogging up to us in black heels, her hair in a high ponytail swishing back and forth in such a cute Sage-like way. Damn her. She quickly greets Colby with a press to his arm and a kiss to his cheek before turning toward me and pulling me into a giant hug. “Ah, I’m so happy to finally see you. We’ve missed you, Ryan.” We’ve missed you, Ryan. They’re totally a we now.
I circle her little body and hug her back, wanting to hate her, but I physically can’t. God, she’s so nice.
Once she lets go of me, she takes a seat and gestures for me to sit as well. Setting her purse on the ground, she folds her hands and looks me in the eyes. “How have you been?” There is just plain, genuine curiosity coming from her. Of course, if she were a condescending woman, she would have asked that with pity in her voice.
But not Sage.
She’s the real deal, and I know that’s why Colby loves her so much.
“I’ve been all right. You know, working and such. Just caught up with Colby a little bit.”
“She’s done avoiding us.” He winks at me jokingly, and even though I know he’s bringing humor to the situation, I can’t help but feel embarrassed that they talked about me together. I know that’s what couples do, but it makes me feel self-conscious. What else have they talked about when it comes to me?
Sage, the nicest person ever, nudges Colby in the side with her elbow, reprimanding him. “Don’t make her feel like a dick. If she wanted some time away from us, mainly you, that’s her choice.” She conspiratorially leans toward me and says, “Believe me, I wish I could take a break from this guy on occasion too.”
Hell, if that doesn’t make me want to punch her square in the nose. Does she not realize how lucky she is? How much I would immediately trade places with her?
Okay, maybe Sage has one check in the bad column. Just one . . . for now.
“I’m just teasing her. We’re cool, right, Ryan?”
I nod. “Yup.” I look between the two of them, feeling awkward, so I reach down and grab the little present I got them. “Here, I got you guys an engagement present.”
Colby’s eyebrows lift, the corner of his lips tilting up once the shock wears off, a sweet smile caressing his lips. “You got us a gift?”
“It’s nothing too special. Just a little congratulations,” I reply, feeling beyond shy right now, especially with the way Colby is looking at me.
“You’re so sweet.” Sage takes the gift and starts to open it. I watch her, the entire time feeling Colby’s eyes on me, my body heating up from his stare. “Oh my God, I love it. Look, Colby, it’s little Mrs. and Mr. pint glasses. They’re so cute. Thank you, Ryan.”
“You’re welcome. Figured since I couldn’t make it to the engagement party, I’d make it up to you guys somehow. I am also offering coupons for free counseling when planning gets tough.”
Why the hell did I just say that?
Oh God, I’m overcompensating for feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I need to keep my mouth shut, because the last thing I want to do is help with planning this wedding. That would be an absolute nightmare. Not only am I in love with the groom, but helping the bride plan the damn wedding? There is something completely wrong with that.
No, thank you.
I’m staying as far away from that shit as possible.
“That means so much to us,” Sage says, taking my hand on hers. “Which reminds me, I have something to ask you.” Her eyes shine bright, a nervous smile plays at her lips.
Uh-oh, I don’t like that look.
I take a quick glance toward Colby, who seems to have the same hopeful look. I really don’t like the look on his face either.
“I was talking with Colby and I asked his permission. I didn’t want to steal his best friend from him, but since I really don’t have any girlfriends here, I was hoping you’d possibly be my maid of honor?”
Fuuuuuuck.
Yup, I knew I
wasn’t going to like where this is going.
Before I can answer, Colby cuts in. “With me going on TDY soon for three months and Sage having no one but Balboa, who couldn’t give a shit about planning a wedding, we were kind of hoping you would be her right-hand man. That’s if you’re comfortable with it. I know you were feeling a little—”
“I’m fine,” I tell him quickly before he can elaborate, not wanting to get into my “feelings” with Sage right here. “I’ll be fine.”
“So you’ll do it?” Sage asks, looking so excited that it about kills me.
Be her maid of honor? Sit there and watch her try on dresses? Throw her a bachelorette party? Stand next to her at the altar and watch someone so precious to me give his heart to another woman?
I don’t think I’m strong enough to get through that, to make it through the entire process unscathed with a happy and healthy heart.
No, it’s bound to destroy me.
But when I glance at Colby, see pleading in his expression, I know right then and there that even though getting through this will be soul-destroying, I’ll do it, because it’s what he wants.
I’ll do it for him.
Taking a deep breath, I turn back to Sage and nod my head. “I would be honored,” I choke out before she pulls me into a hug.
“Ryan, you seriously just made my day. Thank you so, so much. And I promise I won’t be that annoying bride. I want to keep this small-ish, and we’re going to make it happen quickly, so I won’t be dragging you along with all my plans. We plan on getting married this winter.
“This winter?” I just about choke on my own saliva. “You mean in like a few months?”
The Duets Page 73