Heartbreaker

by J. Dorothy

  I scrunch up my nose. I hate those things, they give me the heebee geebees. Gerry’s shop has a whole section dedicated to voodoo. Some of the dolls are so life like, it creeps me out. Gerry knows this of course, she’s deliberately using that as a weapon against me so I won’t ask about her and Bennett.

  “Voodoo dolls are voodoo. Or is it taboo, either way, we are banning talk of them tonight,” I say and grin.

  “You’re such an idiot.”

  I grin wider. “I know, but you still love me.”

  “Well, you brought chocolate chip cookies, what’s not to love.”

  I laugh and follow her upstairs to her room. She’s dressed in a multi colored tight stretch skirt with black tights underneath and a plain black sweater. I notice she hasn’t dyed her hair, it’s almost its natural strawberry blonde color. I wonder if Bennett commented on her hair and that’s why she hasn’t changed it.

  We reach her room and take up residence on her bed, in our usual positions, this time with the cookie box set down between both of us, in easy reach.

  I grin. “So … Bennett?”

  She grins back. “So … Cam?”

  “Yep.”

  “Everything good?”

  “Everything good with you?” I ask and take a bite of a cookie.

  She picks up a cookie and takes a bite as well. “Mmhmm.”

  “You’re just a fountain of information tonight.”

  “Well, you’re not exactly giving me a road map.”

  I laugh. “What did you get up to in Chicago?”

  Gerry twists her lips and puts down the cookie. “I um … visited the university.”

  Wow, that’s a surprise, I had no idea Gerry wanted to go to university. “You did?”

  “Yeah, I’m thinking of going back to school. Maybe get a degree in visual arts.”

  “Wow, I had no idea you wanted to do that. Good for you.”

  “I haven’t applied or anything, but Bennett thinks I’ve got a good chance. I got good grades in High School, but after mom got sick I wanted to help with the shop and be around for her, so I never even tried.”

  Gerry’s mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease back in High School and she’s been dedicated to her mom ever since. She’s deteriorated a lot and lives in a nursing home now. I went to visit her with Gerry last week, and she didn’t know me or Gerry, it was really sad.

  “What about your mom?”

  “I talked to Tahlia and surprisingly she thinks I should go if I want. She said she could get Sally to help out at the shop and I’ll only be a bus ride away so I can still come home and visit. Mom does still have the odd day when she remembers, so I don’t want to miss those days.”

  I bite my lip. Gerry doesn’t talk about her mom’s illness much. She’s so upbeat and keeps positive about it all. She’s so cool. I love her to death.

  “I could go visit her when you’re not here. I love your mom.” And it’s true, I do. She is the most gorgeous lovely lady ever. She was so kind to me when my mom died. I’ll never forget that.

  Gerry smiles and squeezes my hand, and I swallow the lump in my throat. “Thanks, Bales, that means a lot.”

  I decide to change the topic. I don’t want to cry again, I’ve shed enough tears lately.

  “So, you moving to Chicago. Bennett lives in Chicago, so does that mean what I think it means.”

  Gerry sighs. “He’s so hot, Bales, and so sweet.”

  “Yeah, he’s okay I guess.”

  Gerry chuckles. “You two are so funny.”

  “He’s been a good friend, I don’t know what I would have done without him, but don’t tell him I said that.”

  “Oh, he knows. Never shuts up about how much you love him.”

  “He’s such an ass.”

  “Yeah, but what a sweet ass it is.”

  I crack up and let out a full belly laugh. Gerry joins in and we laugh and joke around a bit while munching on the cookies. It’s so nice; I’m going to miss her, if, and when, she goes.

  Gerry packs the box of cookies away and tilts her head, folding her arms. Uh oh. Looks like the funs over.

  “So, we haven’t had a Dr Phil session in a while. I gather you’ve had quite a weekend.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek. “Yeah, it’s been a bit of a whirl wind. I’m really happy Cam and I are starting to sort things out, but there’s still a lot of baggage.”

  “Care to shed some of it.”

  I look up at her and nod. “Yeah. I really would.”

  Three and a bit months before I came home ...

  I can do this, I really can. I’m going to do this. My mantra that I’ve being saying over and over on my way to work this morning. I’m ending things with Andy. It’s been two months and I’m done. I can’t keep pretending to be happy with our relationship. If you can even call it that. I mean we’ve been out on a dozen dates, haven’t told anyone in the office, or told any of our friends and family. Except Bennett. He’s the only one who knows. I would have kept it from him too, but I can’t keep secrets from Bennett, he takes one look at me and knows what’s going on.

  I open the glass door and march to the elevator smiling at the Jake the security guard. It’s really early, only seven thirty, but I know Andy will be here. I’ve had my cell on silent all weekend, because I had to clear my head after Friday night.

  I got drunk again. This time on wine. I thought I needed it for dutch courage. I am so stupid. I let it happen again. I slept with Andy. I didn’t really want to, but couldn’t seem to find the words, or the actions to stop it. It was a bit of a sloppy mess and not stuff you’d choose to write about. I caught a cab home straight after. There was no falling asleep and doing the walk of shame the next morning. I’m glad I had enough of my mental facilities still intact to do that.

  I haven’t seen or spoken to Andy since. Now I’m heading straight for his office and I’m going to end it. I can’t stand another minute of trying to be someone I’m not. Or trying to fall for someone I’m not the slightest bit interested in. I mean I should be interested in him. He’s handsome, successful and well off. Ticks all the boxes, right? Wrong. He doesn’t tick the biggest box, he’s not Cam.

  The elevator dings and I get in and ride to the fifth floor. I stop and take a breath, then repeating my mantra, step out of the elevator and walk down the carpeted hall. I see Andy’s office straight ahead and I duck into my cubicle for a minute to put my purse away and take one last deep breath. I bend over and put my head between my knees, sucking in the air, like it’s my last breath on this earth. That’s when I hear a giggle.

  What the heck?

  Sounds like the new young girl who started a couple of weeks ago. She's so annoying, giggles all the time and at anything and everything. Well, everything Andy says. I wonder what he’s saying now. Probably telling her to fax something and winking at her, in that flirty way of his.

  Ugh, I want to throw up. Well after today, he’s all hers. I’m about to put my head up to say good morning to her, when I hear her giggle again, and this time she pants out, “Oh, yes, don't stop. That feels so good.”

  Hold up. What feels good?

  Ew… I don’t want to hear this, not if it’s what I think it is.

  I’m such a glutton for punishment, I have to look. I know I’ll want to burn out my eyes afterwards, but that doesn’t stop me. I look, and yes I definitely want to take that action back or burn the image from my brain.

  Andy and Miss Giggles are up against the photocopier and he’s kissing her neck, his hands roaming over her ass. The same hands that were roaming over my ass, only two nights ago.

  I duck back down, I’ve seen enough, or too much. Either way I really want to throw up. My stomach is churning, and my head is pounding. I wonder if this is the first time, or if this has been going on since she started working here. Which means, Andy has been cheating on me. The thought of him being with me and being with her at the same time, blasts the ceiling on the Yuk factor. My skin is cr
awling and I just want to go home and shower, even though I’ve had several over the weekend.

  The giggling and panting finally stops and I hear the light sound of footsteps go in two different directions. I continue to keep my head down until I hear the elevator ding and the sound of a few different footsteps. I open my drawer and take out my purse. I can’t stay here another second. I just hope I don’t run into Bennett on my way out. He’ll know straight away, and I really don’t want to talk about it, not today. I need to process and work out what I’m going to do. All my plans for talking to Andy this morning have gone out the window. I couldn’t face him right now.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to face him again.

  Two and a bit months before I came home ..

  .

  I have my final exam today. I’ve taken the day off work to do some cram studying before the big test tonight. School has been my only reason for living and breathing at the moment. After the disaster of a relationship with Andy I’ve been finding it really difficult to find reasons to stay in Chicago. My mom’s words about getting out there and living life are like muffled unintelligible voices now. They aren’t screaming at me anymore. I don’t let them.

  I intend to find another job. I can’t keep working with Andy, pretending like nothing happened. He can. Doesn’t seem to faze him at all. He even tried to flirt with me the other day, but soon stopped when I scowled at him. Didn’t bat an eyelid when I told him we were done. Just shrugged and told me to email the latest contract I was working on. I obviously meant a great deal to him. Just about as much as he meant to me. Let me just say, lesson learnt. I know now that I don’t do casual relationships and won’t make that mistake again.

  Bennett found out, of course. He has a new nickname for Andy now. Before it was just asshole, now it’s A grade Asshole or Double A for short. Andy just thinks it’s for his initials, but it makes me laugh every time Bennett shouts it out to him across the office. And he does it a lot. That’s about the only thing making me laugh these days. Bennett thinks I’m broken hearted, and I let him. He might think he knows me, but he doesn’t really. I don’t really want him to either. I am broken hearted, but it's not over Andy. Cam comes into my thoughts more and more these days. I wonder what he’s doing and who he’s seeing. I hope he’s not serious with anyone. I don’t think I could stand to hear he was engaged or involved in a serious relationship. That should be me. Not someone else. I wish with all my heart I had of said yes, the night he asked me to marry him. The night I broke his heart. And for what? For this.

  I throw some papers on the floor. I have papers and books everywhere. Bennett won’t study with me because he says I’m too messy. I love it. I love having piles of articles and notes scattered around, makes me feel like an academic. I’m sitting in my favorite Scooby doo pj’s, I haven’t showered, and I feel a bit nauseated. I haven’t felt like eating much, and I’ve lost a bit of weight. I tried having a piece of toast, but couldn’t stomach it, so I’m sipping on some orange juice.

  I check my calendar for the umpteenth time to make sure that I’ve got the date of my exam correct. That’s my worst fear, to do all this work, then miss the exam. I’ve scribbled the time on the calendar, six o’clock, it’s only ten, so I’ve got at least six hours before I have to leave. I’m about to divert my eyes away when I notice another little red x on the calendar. Its two weeks ago, that I put it there.

  Two weeks. That’s weird. I put my pen in my mouth and think back. I can’t remember. That’s also weird. I’m regular as clockwork with my cycle. I try to place the last time I had that bloated feeling. I always know when my periods are coming. And they haven’t come in over six weeks.

  Shit. Shit, and shit again.

  I must have had one of those things where you get stressed and it affects you. Yeah, that’s all it is. Surely. I mean it was only the two times and we used protection. Didn’t we? I’m sure we did. Hell, I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything. Crap.

  It can’t be. It really can’t be. My heart is racing, and I run to the bathroom and throw up.

  I sit on the cold floor and lean back against the basin.

  No. No. No. This is not happening. Don’t panic, Bailey, it’s just one of those things.

  It happens to all girls, doesn’t it? ... All girls who are pregnant.

  No. No. Don’t. I can’t think that.

  I bang my head back against the basin. I’m so stupid. I have to know. I can’t not know. I’ll get one of those test thingy’s and it will be negative, then I can go to the doctor and they’ll tell me it’s just one of those stress things. Yeah.

  Okay. Okay. Panic attack averted. For now. Until. Shhhh ... stop it brain. Stop thinking right now.

  I get off the floor and grab some track pants and a sweat shirt and run to the drug store. If I stop and let myself think I won’t do it, I’ll chicken out. I rush down the aisle and find five shelves full of pregnancy tests. Crap. I have no idea which one is the best one. Or if there is a best one. But I don’t want a faulty one. Or do I?

  Shit. Shit. I’ll just go. No. I can do this. Pick the most expensive that’s bound to be the best. So I do.

  I grab it and make it to the checkout counter. The girl serving gives me a big smile, like she thinks it’s the best thing in the world to be buying one of these. Maybe for some people. Maybe even for me one day, but not today. Never today.

  She takes her time, and I want to kick her ass or jump over the counter and do it myself. Finally she hands me the receipt and the thing in a little brown bag. God, I hope I don’t run into anyone I know.

  The gods of mercy smile on me today, because I make it back to my apartment without seeing a soul. I rip open the box and pull out the small bit of white paper with the instructions. Must be simple seeing as it only has a little instruction sheet. Then I unfold it, and keep unfolding it, to find that it’s got reams of information on it. Shit. I don’t have time to read all that. Then I see a simple diagram explaining it all. Ew… I’ve got to pee on that, and then hold it for two minutes. Ew … I don’t want to do that. That’s gross.

  I pull out the tester from the plastic packaging and stare at it, like it’s my enemy. “You have to give me one strip, one strip only, do you hear?” I yell at it.

  I suck in one big breath and take it to the toilet. I sit and hold the tester. Terrific I can’t go. I get up and take a huge gulp of water from the faucet and sit again. I sit for a good while. Then I’m ready. I do what I have to do, and then hold onto the tester thingy. I close my eyes, and pray like I’ve never prayed before. I don’t want to think about what this could mean for me and my life. I can’t go there just yet. I won’t have to.

  I’ll be fine.

  I am fine.

  I am so not pregnant.

  I look at the tester.

  Shit.

  I so am.

  I’m sitting in the waiting room. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for the confirmation that my life is over. Well, the life I thought I’d have. My mind won’t stop ticking with everything. I can’t imagine how I'm ever going to make this work. I can’t imagine walking into Andy’s office and telling him. I can’t imagine telling Bennett or telling my Dad. I can’t imagine never getting the chance to try with Cam. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  “Ms Bailey Ryan,” the receptionist calls in her polite voice. I rise from my chair and walk on unsteady legs to the doctor’s room.

  “The doctor will be in shortly,” she says and shuts the door.

  I swallow hard. My hands are shaking. They rang earlier to say they had the results for me, but wouldn’t tell me over the phone.

  The door opens, and I gulp down the sudden urge to cry. My heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty.

  “Ah, Miss Ryan, so nice to see you again.”

  I give a small smile. No it isn’t, I want to say.

  The doctor takes a seat and opens a blue folder on her desk. “So, we have your test results. You’re about five weeks preg
nant.”

  Five weeks. Pregnant. Five weeks. Pregnant.

  Those words keep on replaying over and over.

  “We won’t need to give you a scan until closer to twelve weeks, but you can have one beforehand if you like.”

  “No. No scan.” I don't want a scan. I can’t breathe. I just want out of here.

  “Okay. So we’ll book you an appointment for…” she goes on and on about vitamins and scans and not smoking and blah blah. But I can’t think of all that. All I can think about is … five weeks and pregnant.

  “Bailey ...”

  “Um … yeah, um sorry.”

  The doctor takes off her square rimmed glasses and looks at me intently. I don’t like that look. Reminds me of being in trouble at school.

  “Do you have someone to share this news with?”

  “Um … yeah. I do.”

  I don’t.

  I’m not telling her that though, the next thing she’ll do is offer me some sort of counselling.

  “What about the father, will he be involved?”

  Good question. And father. Wow, just hearing that nearly knocks me off my chair.

  “He doesn’t know yet. I wanted to be positive before I told him.”

  “Right. Okay then, if you have any other questions or concerns, please make another appointment. Your first pregnancy can be a bit daunting, there’s a lot of horror stories out there, but make sure you get the correct information, and never be afraid to ask, no matter what.”

  “Okay. Thanks. I will.” Can I go now? I really want out of here.

  I get up to leave and the doctor shoves a whole bagful of pamphlets and samples of, goodness knows what, in my hands. “Here, there is some good information in there, and some good, reliable websites that will help.”

  I thank her once more and leave, clutching my little bag of goodies. I’m tempted to put it in the trash on the way out, but that wouldn’t be very grown up behavior. Not mother material at all. Oh god, that thought nearly makes me trip over as I rush out the door into the dull windy day. I make my way to the nearest alleyway and I put my head on the cold bricks taking in deep breaths.