Dweeb

by Aaron Starmer

  “Excuse me?”

  “Imagine a world where your peers are actually your peers, where everyone can interact at the same level. Where everyone is exceptional. That’s the world I wanted to live in as a little girl. That’s the world we can create.”

  “I don’t know what you’re saying,” Wendell said.

  “When I went to Snodgrass for help,” Bloom explained, “all he was thinking about was money. His greed will be his downfall. Bettering the world is what the noble concern themselves with.”

  Wendell looked at her burned wrists. He wondered if that was what chemical burns looked like. It was a good chance they did. Then he looked at her face. She smiled at him, and when she smiled she looked exactly as she always had—beautiful. But that didn’t matter anymore. He saw deeper than that.

  “I just want things back the way they were,” he said.

  “Really?” Nurse Bloom said. “Like when you were constantly teased? When you were in my office every day pretending to be sick? You don’t want that. That was painful.”

  “Pain is better than being numb.”

  “Your naivete is adorable,” Nurse Bloom said, brushing her hand across his cheek. She rubbed her knuckle against a zit that was flowering on his chin. “You know, a little medication could clear this right up.”

  “No, thank you,” he said, turning away from her. He couldn’t make eye contact.

  “They’ll be fine, you know,” she said. “It wears off in a day or two.”

  “What does?”

  “The DWEEB serum,” Bloom said. “When they go home for the weekend, they’ll go back to being boring old bullies and nobodies.”

  “They’ll go back to being real people,” Wendell said.

  “Sometimes real people need improvement.”

  “Do you think I need improvement?” Wendell said.

  “No, Wendell, you’re perfect. Together with the other guys, you’re everything a kid should be. Come with me. We’ll make this world just like you.”

  At that moment, Tyler Kelly came rocketing through the front doors of the school on his motorcycle. He rumbled down the front steps and onto the concrete, his head down, one hand up, the test questions rippling in the air.

  “You all suck sooo muuuuch!” he screamed gleefully.

  “Charming, isn’t he?” Bloom said.

  Wendell watched as Tyler raced by, and as a mob of kids sprang through the doors and filled the lot.

  “Now or never,” Bloom said, starting to push Wendell toward the bus.

  He planted his feet on the ground, putting on the brakes. “Was it always you?” he asked, heartbroken. “Was all of it you?”

  “You mean the DWEEB formula?” Kids were now circling Nurse Bloom, trying to get a fix on which way Tyler had gone. “Of course. I’ve been working on it for years. It’s simple in concept, a little harder in execution. Basically, it’s just making people’s DNA do impressions. Heck, we made Phipps act like a dog. But it doesn’t last forever. You have to keep taking it. But with a little work, we can make it last longer. Then it won’t be like impressions. People will become what we want.”

  “I thought it was just about the Idaho Tests,” Wendell whispered in confusion.

  “Oh, that was just an easy way to get Snodgrass to do the dirty work. His greed blinded him to my real plan.”

  “The real plan?”

  “Testing it. And testing you. You had fun, didn’t you? The loose cinder block. The Sudoku. The mystery. I set up quite an adventure for you. And we’ll keep that adventure going. ’Cause it’s going to be a rough road. People are resistant to new ideas. But with the help of my five little dweebs, we’ll be unstoppable.” Then she bent over and kissed Wendell on the cheek.

  He wasn’t sure if it was the kiss, or all the kids running around, or the fact that he was still stuck in a chair and all his blood was flowing down to his feet. But suddenly, Wendell felt dizzy.

  He closed his eyes for a moment. He told himself that he wouldn’t let his emotions get the best of him again. He needed to do something.

  When he opened his eyes, one face among the mob stood out: Sally Dibbs.

  Wendell channeled all the emotions building up inside him and focused it on the armrests of the chair. The metal bent like wet spaghetti, and he pulled himself to his feet.

  “Bus to the future,” Bloom said. “Leaving right now.”

  Wendell ignored her. He knew what he had to do. Fighting against the tide of kids, he made his way toward Sally. When he was standing in her path, he put his hand out.

  “Stop!” he shouted.

  She skidded to a halt. “Wendell?”

  Then he said something he never expected to say. “Be annoying. Please just ask me some stupid questions.”

  “Pardon?” Sally said. “I will do nothing of the sort. I have to get to those test questions before everyone else does.”

  “No,” Wendell said with confidence. “You have to be annoying. Because that’s who you are. You’re new, and goofy, and you talk too much, and you’re not a great student, and you’re a terrible singer and I used to ha—and that’s who you have to be.”

  Sally’s eyes narrowed. There was a doubtful look in her eye. She cocked her head to the side.

  Wendell could see he was getting to her. He smiled widely and stood firmly in her way, and kept smiling until he heard a voice. It was a voice that used to entrance him. Now it sounded shrill and frightening.

  “In here,” Nurse Bloom was saying as she pointed toward the bus. “The test questions are in the back.”

  Kids were pouring onto the bus. Oh, this isn’t good, Wendell thought. He turned away from Sally and started toward Nurse Bloom.

  As more kids boarded the bus, the crowd began to thin out. And Wendell saw that there was someone holding Nurse Bloom’s hand. It was Bijay

  Chapter 29

  BIJAY

  Nurse Bloom tightened her grip on Bijay’s hand. He looked up at her.

  “The world, Bijay,” she said. “At our fingertips.”

  Bijay smiled back.

  “You know what?” she went on. “Snodgrass didn’t think you were exceptional, didn’t want you to be one of the five. I knew differently. You know why I chose you? Not because of test scores. Because you can deal with loss. You can abandon things. You know that if you play pretend long enough, you can accept whatever life throws at you.”

  Bijay nodded to her.

  “Let him go,” Wendell said, stepping toward her.

  Nurse Bloom feigned a look of surprise and let go of Bijay’s hand. “He’s free to do whatever he likes,” she said. “Right, Bijay?”

  Bijay shrugged. Only one thing mattered. “I’m hungry.”

  “Hunger is good,” Bloom said. “It keeps you alert. There’s Mackers in the bus if you want it.”

  “Bijay,” Wendell cried. “It was her the whole time. She’s the one who set us up.”

  “I’m the one who is giving the world what it wants,” Bloom said plainly. “And I’m giving Bijay what he wants. He’s new and improved.”

  “Bijay?” Wendell said. “You didn’t eat the Mackers, did you?”

  Bijay shook his head, though it was hard to remember anything. All his brain kept telling him was “feed me.” Memories only got in the way of the task at hand.

  “It’s not in the Mackers!” someone shouted.

  Bijay turned. Descending the front steps were Elijah, Denton, and Eddie, who was hopping on one foot.

  “It’s in the water!” Denton shouted. “He must have drunk the water.”

  “Very perceptive,” Bloom said, pointing a finger at Denton. “You guys are always one step ahead of the curve. If you all get on the bus, we can use that ingenuity to make the best strain of DWEEB possible.”

  “Bijay,” Eddie shouted. “We caught Snodgrass. We found Phipps.”

  “And thanks to you, we’ve got everything on DVD,” Elijah said. “Snodgrass’s whole confession. It’s over.”

  “It�
��s in the water,” Denton said again. “Everyone’s obsessed with Mackers because Bijay is obsessed with Mackers. But if they stop drinking the water, they’ll be okay.”

  “Don’t go, Bijay,” Wendell said. “She’s tricking you.”

  Bijay understood what the four of them were saying, but it didn’t matter to him. It didn’t solve his hunger.

  “Come on, Bijay,” Bloom said, reaching out her hand. “Say goodbye.”

  Bijay grabbed her hand and took a step onto the bus. He looked back over his shoulder. “Good—”

  “Remember something,” Elijah shouted, cutting him off. “Something meaningful. Something about who you were … who you are. Something real.”

  “Say goodbye,” Bloom told him again.

  That was when Bijay stopped. A memory had fought its way to the surface of his mind.

  He remembered walking through a tree-lined campus where his parents worked as professors. He remembered being between the two of them, holding both their hands as they waved and smiled and said thank you to everyone they saw.

  He didn’t realize until years later that what they were really saying was goodbye to their colleagues and students. And he didn’t realize until just now, standing on the steps of the bus, that they were also helping him say goodbye. They were giving him one last look at their lives before he got on that plane to America.

  His father died a few weeks later. His mother, the following week. And the day after his mother’s funeral, he was eating Mackers in the airport.

  • • •

  From Bijay’s perch on the steps of the bus, he saw a banner that hung above the entrance of the school. It read:

  Mackers is here!

  His hunger receded until it was replaced by a feeling of deep loneliness. He let go of Bloom’s hand.

  “Bijay,” she said. “The time is now. I’m going.”

  “I think I want to go with them,” he said politely.

  “That would be a mistake,” Bloom cooed. “You’ll see. This is just the start of so many wonderful things. Just think. Someday, everyone will be smart. Everyone will be polite. Everyone will eat what they want. Everyone will be exceptional.”

  “And everyone will be alone,” Bijay said plainly. He stepped down and away from the bus.

  Nurse Bloom scowled. Anger, something Bijay had never seen in her, now consumed her face. She threw the door to the bus closed. A few second later, the engine coughed to life.

  As Bijay walked toward his friends, he concentrated hard, trying to sift through his scrambled memories.

  As the bus pulled away, Eddie started after it.

  “We can’t let her get away,” he shouted, but his limp was slowing him too much. He stopped after just a few yards.

  It didn’t matter.

  Because that was when Bijay saw an eruption of light at the edge of the parking lot, and heard a chorus of sirens as a line of police cars, fire engines, and ambulances came into view.

  All the escape routes were blocked. All the students were frozen in their tracks. The bus stopped.

  Before he could figure out what was happening, men in uniforms were hurrying at Bijay. Their arms were outstretched. He couldn’t understand what they were saying at first. When they were lifting him up, he heard them loud and clear.

  “You’re the ones. Are you okay? Get inside,” they were saying.

  Chapter 30

  DWEEB

  “You have got to be kidding me,” a police officer said, pacing through the tiny basement room. “The entire week?”

  The boys, who were standing in a line against the wall, nodded back. Another officer looked at the hole. He stuck his head in, then pulled it back quickly. “Um, is that a dog back there?”

  “You could call it that,” Eddie said.

  “That’s Xerxes!” Snodgrass protested, his hands behind his back tugging at his underwear. On his wrists hung a shiny new pair of handcuffs, the perfect piece of jewelry for the soon-to-be-former vice principal.

  “I’ve heard about enough from you,” the first police officer said, guiding Snodgrass out of the room.

  “It’s amazing what these boys accomplished,” Coach McKenzie said. “And I’m sorry for the trouble I caused.” Then he held his wrists out to the other police officer.

  “What are you doing?” Denton protested.

  “What’s right,” McKenzie said.

  “I hate to do this, Coach,” the officer said, attaching the handcuffs. “But we’re glad you called.”

  “It’s nice to know your students remember you and believe you,” McKenzie said.

  “Coach!” Denton called as the officer led McKenzie to the door.

  “Kensington?”

  “Don’t worry,” Denton said firmly. “You’ll get to see the green ones.”

  McKenzie smiled. “And you’ll come to love New Jersey,” the coach said as he exited.

  A fireman stepped into the room. “Mr. Phipps is on his way to the hospital. Your parents are on the way here,” he said. “There’s a lot to explain. I just know they’ll be glad to see you. I’ll walk you to the parking lot to meet them. If you need our help telling them what happened, you have it.”

  As they followed the fireman back outside, they saw the parking lot was already empty. It was as if nothing had happened.

  “Did you find all the kids?” Eddie asked him.

  “Most of them,” he said. “We’ve got a lot of people on it. We’ll round ’em all up.”

  “And Nurse Bloom?” Wendell asked.

  “Nurse who?”

  “On the bus,” Elijah clarified.

  The fireman nodded. “Hold on a sec.”

  He walked down the steps and approached a young police officer who was standing guard at the edge of the lot. They talked for a minute or two, and then the police officer approached them, grinning.

  “You were asking about that nurse?” the officer asked.

  They all nodded.

  “She was something else, wasn’t she,” he said, shaking his head. “Gorgeous, and so helpful.”

  “Did you arrest her?” Denton asked.

  “Arrest her?” The officer laughed. “I wanted to marry her! No, she was nice enough to drive a few of the kids home in the bus. With all the craziness going on, we could use all the help we could get.”

  “You let her go?” Elijah gasped. “How many kids were with her?”

  “I don’t know. Four or five. They drove away and they were all singing like angels,” the officer mused. “It was quite a sight. But not as extraordinary a sight as you guys. What are you, a bunch of superheroes or something?”

  They stood five abreast on the steps. Eddie, wrapped in his sheet. Wendell, standing tall, his bald head shining in the sun. Denton, his hands on his hips, with the Marines cap perched on his head proclaiming Semper Fi. Elijah, dusty and bruised, decked out in the school colors … and a cheerleading skirt. And Bijay, just being Bijay.

  “No,” they said in unison. “We’re DWEEB.”

  About the Author

  AARON STARMER studied English at Drew University, earned his master’s degree in cinema studies from New York University, and received an entirely different kind of education working for ten years as a bookseller and an African safari specialist. His writing has appeared in guidebooks and a variety of humor publications, including the McSweeney’s anthology Mountain Dance Moves. DWEEB is his first novel. He lives with his wife in Hoboken, New Jersey.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either

  are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales

  is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2009 by Aaron Starmer

  Illustration © 2009 Andy Rash

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Delacorte Press, an imprint of

  Random House Children’s Books, a division of Random House, Inc
., New York.

  Delacorte Press is a registered trademark and the colophon is a trademark of

  Random House, Inc.

  Visit us on the Web! www.randomhouse.com/kids

  Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at

  www.randomhouse.com/teachers

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Starmer, Aaron.

  Dweeb : burgers, beasts and brainwashed bullies / Aaron Starmer.–1st ed.

  p. cm.

  Summary: After being framed for stealing bake sale money, the five smartest

  boys in the eighth grade are imprisoned in a small room beneath their junior high

  school in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey, and must use their nerdish powers to expose

  a conspiracy involving fast food, standardized testing, and a school full of

  overachieving zombies.

  eISBN: 978-0-375-89344-5

  [1. Junior high schools–Fiction. 2. Schools–Fiction. 3. Conspiracies–Fiction.] I. Title.

  PZ7. S7972Dw 2009

  [Fic]–dc22

  2009000500

  Random House Children’s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.

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