Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  Tony the Elf reached inside the bag. “Carbon Dioxide.” He carried it toward her. “What do you need it for?”

  Since he was doing as he was instructed, Katherine gave him the benefit of the doubt in assuming the question came more from curiosity than insubordination.

  “I'm going after an exploded fish. I don't want to touch that shit.”

  Tony the Elf rolled up the bag and put it in her hand, but didn't let go. “Mordred's only got ten minutes' worth of air. Are you sure you can make it to the fish and back in less than that amount of time?”

  Katherine frowned. “No.”

  “He already knows he's on a boat,” said Rhonda. “If we put him down in the cargo hold, he shouldn't be any more dangerous down there than he is in the bag.”

  “That would be fantastic,” said one of the other elves. “Keeping up with his air supply every ten minutes is really mentally taxing. I don't think I can handle another night of that.”

  Katherine nodded, then addressed the rest of the crew. “Any objections?”

  Most everyone shrugged or shook their heads, but they all seemed uneasy about the decision.

  Katherine led Tanner, Frank, Rhonda, Tony the Elf, and the strong dwarf and half-orc whose names she hadn't yet learned down into the cargo hold. She reached into the bag of holding and said –

  “Wait!” said Tanner.

  “What?”

  “What are you going to say?”

  Katherine removed her hand from the bag. “I was going to say Mordred.”

  “Don't forget what happened back at the harbor. What if you only pull out Mordred, without the rope and chair and shitbag?”

  Katherine thought about the people she'd pulled out of the bag, and the times she'd been pulled out of it. Except for a few special circumstances, they'd always had clothes on. But Tanner was right to be wary.

  “What should I say?”

  “Tied-up Mordred?” suggested Tony the Elf.

  Katherine frowned. “I don't like it. That might only give us the rope, and not the chair.”

  “I've got it,” said Tanner. “Mordred and everything within two feet of him.” He looked around, and everyone nodded their approval.

  “Chances are he won't be conscious,” said the half-orc. “And if worse comes to worst, Eddie and I can restrain him until we get the ropes back on him.”

  Katherine made a mental note to remember the dwarf's name was Eddie. She opened the bag and put her hand inside it.

  “Mordred and everything within two feet of him.”

  Mordred spilled out of the bag, still tied to the chair, and landed on his side. Eddie and the half-orc righted him, then Katherine checked his pulse. She felt his wrist because his neck was caked with shit.

  “Should we take the bag off?” asked the half-orc. “Let him breathe a little easier while he's down here below deck?”

  “No,” said Frank. For someone who had only a few minutes before pleaded so passionately about not cutting another person's arm off, he sounded pretty absolute about letting that person breathe Cooper's ass fumes indefinitely. “This Mordred is a powerful wizard. The shitbag is one of the measures we have to protect us from his magic. If he doesn't want to breathe shit, he has the choice to stay in one of his other bodies.”

  Katherine didn't give a shit about the quality of the air Mordred was breathing. She had fish guts to retrieve. When she returned to the deck, the top of the sun was peeking over the eastern horizon, and the sky was much brighter. The fish guts should be easier to spot when she swam close enough.

  “Be careful,” said Tanner. “The sea appears calm on the surface, but dangerous creatures lurk beneath it.”

  “I'm not going to be in that long, and it's not like I've never swum in the sea before.” Katherine removed her hat and placed it on Tanner's head. “You're captain until I return.” She leaned in close to whisper. “Don't let Frank steal my ship.” She folded the Bag of Holding in half, rolled it as tight as she could, then shoved it down the back of her jeans. Launching herself from the rear deck, she hit the water fingertips-first.

  The water was clear and cool. She would have preferred to be in more appropriate swimming attire, but it felt good to be swimming again. As close as she'd lived to the Gulf of Mexico, she almost never went to the beach. There always seemed to be something more important she had to do. But now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember having done anything particularly important in her entire life on Earth.

  She freestyled hard until she needed to rest. Looking back, she'd swum farther from the ship than she thought. Maybe fifty yards or so. She waved to the few people who were watching over her from the rear deck, then scanned the water around her for the floating fish guts.

  No sign of them to the right, or the left. She looked back to align herself with the ship before she started swimming farther out, then turned around. Thirty yards in front of her, a huge grey shark head erupted out of the water, then disappeared back under. It was at least as big as the shark from Jaws.

  She tread water, trembling and breathing fast. “I guess you beat me to the fish guts.”

  “Katherine!” Tanner called out from the ship. He sounded like he was a million miles away. “Swim back!”

  Swim back.

  Katherine nodded, then started swimming backwards. She knew in her head that the shark could be anywhere, but the fear in her heart wouldn't let her pull her eyes away from the spot where it had surfaced.

  When the fin emerged and started slicing through the water after her, her heart deferred to her head, and she started swimming like a motherfucker.

  SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

  No. She had to use her thoughts more productively. There was no way she was going to outswim a shark, and the ship was much too far away for her to close the gap in time. She mentally flipped through the spells she had prepared.

  Cure Light Wounds? No.

  Spider Climb? No.

  Purify Food and Water? No.

  Then it hit her. She stopped swimming and turned back to the shark.

  “Reduce Animal!” she cried, pointing at the advancing fin. She'd meant to use that spell on Tony the Elf's dog, so that he'd learn his place in the pecking order compared to Butterbean while he was aboard her ship.

  The shark thrashed and splashed as its body shrank down to the size of... Well, a normal-sized shark that could still very easily kill her.

  Katherine hoped that the shark might have gotten freaked out by the experience and swim away, but it reorientated itself and swam straight for Katherine again.

  Her last effort was a long shot, but what the hell. “Speak with Animals!” She let herself sink below the surface and shouted at the shark. “STOP!”

  The shark didn't stop, but it did change course, swimming in a circle around her rather than right at her. “Why?” Its whiny voice was surprisingly clear for coming through the water.

  “Because you don't want to eat me.”

  “Yes, I really do. But please continue talking first. I've never experienced an exchange of thoughts like this before.”

  One of the drawbacks of underwater conversation was that she needed to pause in order to breathe. “Hold that thought. I'll be right back.” She surfaced, then gave everyone screaming aboard Nightwind what she hoped was an encouraging thumbs up.

  Thankful that the shark hadn't taken this opportunity to bite her legs off, she ducked back under the water. “I'm all skin and bones. There's hardly any meat on me.” Thinking that sounded more like self-flattery than criticism, she added, “And I'm crawling with gonorrhea.” She pulled out her Bag of Holding and held it open. “But you should see what I've got in my bag.” She tried to think of things which would appeal to a shark. “Walruses, manatees, fat kids.”

  “Sounds delicious.”

  “Much more so than me. Just a second.” She surfaced, gave a quick wave as she took a deep breath, then re-submerged. She had this thing on the ropes. Now she just needed to apply a little pressure.
“If you want the good stuff, you'd better swim in here before that Reduce Animal spell times out and you can't fit through the opening.” She was totally bluffing. The spell's duration was actually several hours.

  “Oh dear!” said the shark.

  Katherine was alarmed when the shark turned her way, but she trusted in its inherent stupidity and smiled as she held the bag open. She had never been more terrified and exhilarated in her life as she was when it brushed her with a fin on its way into the bag. When the tail disappeared inside, she exhaled what felt like enough relief bubbles to fill ten Bags of Holding.

  The immediate danger was gone, but Katherine had a new appreciation for what else lurked beneath the surface of the water. She swam hard for Nightwind. Tanner and Tony the Elf grabbed her by the arms when she'd climbed high enough up the ladder for them to reach her.

  “What happened?” asked Tanner.

  Katherine took her hat from him and placed it back on her head. “I captained up. The food issue has been resolved.”

  Chapter 13

  Vaeryn shrieked at the gun blast and clapped her hands over her long ears. Tim lunged at her and thrust his hand into her weighted robe pocket. By the time he managed to pull his gun out and point it at Vaeryn, she had recovered enough to point Officer Williams's gun at him. A Mexican standoff.

  Dave stared down at Officer Williams lying on the street, eyes shut tight and breathing fast. His uniform was slick with blood pouring out from the wound in his belly.

  “He's hurt fucking bad, man,” said Dave. “What are we going to do?”

  Tim didn't take his eyes off Vaeryn. “I'm in the middle of something, Dave.” He grinned at Vaeryn. “Weren't expecting that blast, were you? That gun hasn't been silenced.”

  “You got lucky that time,” said Vaeryn. “Do you trust your luck to save you next time?”

  “I trust my weapon. That piece of shit in your hand is a standard police-issue Smith and Remington P45. I'll easily fire off three shots to your every one.”

  Dave was fairly certain that Tim didn't know dick about guns and was making shit up to sell his Bluff check.

  A light flicked on inside one of the houses on the cul-de-sac. Dave noticed that two other houses had their lights on as well, which he was pretty sure wasn't the case a few minutes ago.

  “You two need to put the guns down. People are calling the cops, and we are standing here like assholes, waving guns around while there's a dying cop at our feet.”

  Tim rolled his eyes. “Well gee, Dave. If only there were someone here who could stop the cop from dying. Maybe a cleric?”

  “Shit, that's right!” Dave knelt next to Officer Williams and placed a hand on his sweaty brow. “I heal thee!”

  Officer Williams shuddered and stopped breathing for a moment. Dave looked at his hand, wondering if he'd somehow screwed up. Then Officer Williams exhaled, opened his eyes, and stared up at Dave.

  “What happened? What did you do to me?”

  “I hope I healed you. How do you feel?”

  The officer untucked his shirt and felt his abdomen. “I feel fantastic. But what did you... How did you do that?”

  Dave considered claiming to be a faith healer, but religion already had a tight enough stranglehold on this part of the country. Instead, he opted for the ridiculous truth.

  “Magic.”

  Officer Williams sat up and narrowed his eyes at Dave. “Don't you bullshit me, boy.” He glared at Tim and Vaeryn, still pointing guns at each other. “You two better put those guns down before someone else gets hurt, and tell me what's going on here for real. Are you in one of those satanic fantasy cults?”

  “I don't think those are a thing,” said Dave. “I'm being straight with you. I healed you with –”

  A police car siren blared from off in the distance, but sounded like it was getting closer.

  “Tim! The cops are going to show up any second. We have to get the hell out of here. Now!”

  Tim shook his head. “We'll never make it. We won't get far in a cop car, and you're too slow to get away on foot.”

  “Then what the hell are we supposed to do?”

  “I'm going to lower my gun,” Tim said to Vaeryn. “And you're going to lower yours. Then you're going to give Dave your Ring of... my Ring of Invisibility.”

  Vaeryn smiled. “And why am I going to do that?”

  “Because he's the only one strong enough to carry us. And because if the cops take us in, you'll never see those boots again. You'll be stuck in this world forever.” Tim lowered his gun.

  Vaeryn took a couple of seconds to consider it as the sirens grew louder and louder. Finally, she lowered her gun, reached into her pocket, then tossed the Ring of Invisibility to Dave.

  Despite his trembling hands, Dave caught the ring. It expanded to fit his finger, which was considerably fatter than Vaeryn's. Then his hands, along with the rest of him, disappeared.

  “Well I'll be damned,” said Officer Williams. “That's some impressive shit.”

  “Dave, you idiot!” said Tim. “Take the ring off!”

  Dave took it off and became visible again. “Then what the hell did you give it to me for?” He put the ring in his bathrobe pocket.

  “You need to be holding us before you turn invisible.”

  Vaeryn climbed on Dave's back, and he held her up by her silky smooth legs. He concentrated on not getting an erection while Tim climbed up his front side.

  “Okay, now,” said Tim.

  “I can't,” said Dave. “My hands are full.”

  Tim, whose face was close enough to kiss, rolled his eyes at Dave, then turned to a befuddled Officer Williams. “Hey, would you mind reaching into Dave's pocket and putting that ring on his finger?” He held up the gun to suggest the question form of the request was merely a courtesy.

  Officer Williams peered up the dark street like he was considering gambling on the cavalry to arrive before Tim could shoot him. But after a second, he did as Tim instructed, then backed away like a frightened rabbit when Dave, Tim, and Vaeryn disappeared.

  “I've still got the gun on you,” Tim shouted over the quickly approaching siren. “Get rid of them.”

  Dave felt Vaeryn tense as a police car sped toward them, then screeched to a halt, bathing the cul-de-sac in flashing blue light.

  Officer Williams's younger partner from Walmart hopped out of the car, gun in hand and searching for a target. “Williams! What happened? Are you okay? We got a call about a bunch of people out here and a shot being fired.”

  “Easy, Joe,” said Officer Williams. “I'm fine. Everything's fine.”

  “What are you talking about? Look at you. You're covered in blood!”

  “This isn't my blood. It's... um... dog blood. Poor thing jumped out right in front of my car. I held it in my arms, trying to save its life, but I couldn't stop the bleeding. I did what needed to be done.”

  Joe holstered his gun and stared at Officer Williams with teary eyes. “Like Old Yeller?”

  Officer Williams nodded. “That's right, Joe. Like Old Yeller.”

  Dave had to admit, the officer had just pulled a pretty good story out of his ass. He hoped it would get rid of Joe soon. Neither Vaeryn nor Tim were particularly heavy, but Dave was starting to feel the fatigue of holding them in his legs and arms.

  Joe sniffled, wiped away a tear, then scanned the street. “Where's the dog?”

  Dave's heart skipped a beat, and he felt Vaeryn's leg muscles tense in his hands as her thighs squeezed him. In spite of the danger they were all in, and the fact that his dick was pressing against Tim, he was unable to contain his arousal. The next thing he felt was Tim's gun barrel against his head. That sorted out the erection problem real quick.

  “Where do you think it is?” snapped Officer Williams. “The family took it with them. What did you think? They were going to leave their dead dog out here in the street for the flies and buzzards?”

  Joe lowered his head. “Sorry, man. I didn't realize the family
was out here. That's horrible.”

  “Why don't you run on back to Walmart, Joe? I'm going to go home and wash all this blood off me.”

  “Sure thing, Williams.” Joe got back in his car and drove off.

  Dave felt a hard slap on his right cheek and let go of Varyn's legs. He turned around to find her visible and glaring at him. Thankfully, at least she was holding Officer Williams's gun down by her side.

  “What was that for?” Dave asked, rubbing the soreness out of his cheek.

  “That was for the way you touched me.”

  “I had to hold your legs.”

  “You think I can't feel the difference between holding and fondling? You're disgusting.”

  Dave felt a hard slap on his left cheek, then Tim became visible as he dropped to the street.

  He likewise glared up at Dave. “You know what that was for.”

  Screw all this. Dave was invisible, barely dressed, and his balls felt like they were about to burst. What was the point of having a Ring of Invisibility if you weren't going to use it to jack off in public?

  “What time is it?” asked Tim as Dave pulled his robe wide open.

  The feeling of knowing he could do this without anyone knowing was as arousing as the memory of Vaeryn's soft elf legs wrapped around him, tensing in his meaty dwarf hands. He stared her up and down while he went to town on his thick dwarf dong. She could deny it all she wanted, but he knew she wanted it inside her, penetrating deep into her tunnel in search of precious sparkling gems. It seemed strange that his sexual fantasy involved so many mining metaphors. Must be a dwarf thing.

  As he got into his rhythm, he concentrated on breathing as silently as possible, tuning out all the inane conversation happening around him, focusing on those legs, those tits he'd seen glistening as she bathed, that firm little ass as she bent over to –

  “Dave?” said Tim.

  “WHAT?”

  “What do you think? Waffle House or Denny's?”

  “Yeah sure,” Dave responded, trying to recapture his momentum.

  “Dude. Are you having a stroke right now?”

  Shit! Can he see me? Dave continued stroking. If he'd been caught, stopping now wasn't going to make any difference. Oh, wait. Different kind of stroke.