Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  “Stop bitching about it and hold your squat,” Tim shouted from his side of the Chicken Hut. “They'll be back any minute. Believe me, you've never had a wipe like this before.”

  “Fire in the hole!” Officer Williams called out before lobbing a roll toward Vaeryn's side of the building. He tossed a second one over the building to Tim's side. It unraveled, leaving a long section clinging from the roof.

  Dave smiled to himself, remembering the time Tim and Cooper had rolled his house in high school. It wasn't a particularly happy memory, considering that Dave's dad had gotten pissed at him for hanging out with those two delinquents and made him clean up the mess. But those were simpler times, before those same delinquent friends pissed off a magic-wielding psychopath, before he turned into a dwarf, before he turned into an evil rat-monster, before he assisted in taking a cop hostage.

  “My word!” said Vaeryn, stepping out from her side of the building with her gun in her hand and a smile on her face. “That was a good wipe.”

  “Didn't I tell you?” said Tim, equally armed and satisfied-looking. “I swear, you don't know what you miss until it's gone.” He spotted the rest of the pack in Officer Williams's hands and his lip quivered like he might cry tears of joy. “Make sure you hold on to that, Officer. We're totally bringing that back with us.”

  “We?” said Dave and Officer Williams simultaneously.

  Tim sighed. “I gave it some thought while I was taking a shit. We can't leave him behind. He knows too much.” He raised his hands defensively at Officer Williams. “Now, I know that's partially my fault. I kind of spilled the beans about the Chicken Hut. So I'm really sorry to have to inconvenience you, but... Well honestly, I don't give a shit. You're coming along.”

  “What are you talking about?” said Dave. “What could he possibly do to us when we're about to skip town to another fucking dimension?”

  “It's not about what he can do to us there. Think of the bigger picture, Dave. We're trying to get back in our real bodies, right? Back to our real lives. What's the point if we're going to spend the rest of it in the slammer?”

  “Based on what evidence?” said Dave. “None of what's going on right now is admissible. You think he's going to stand before a judge and testify that he got kidnapped by an elf, a dwarf, and a halfling?” He turned to Officer Williams. “You understand we're in an extremely unusual situation, right? You're not going to try and pursue this after we're gone, right?”

  Officer Williams opened his mouth to speak, but the only sound Dave heard was police sirens. Lots of them.

  “Jesus, Dave!” said Tim. “You were supposed to be watching him!”

  “I was!”

  “Did you let him stop and make a phone call?”

  “No, I just... Mrs. Gardner!”

  “What about her?”

  “She must have gotten spooked by all the blood on Officer Williams's clothes. That's why she was acting all weird and staring at his ID so long. She was committing his name to memory so she could report it to the cops.”

  “Shit,” said Tim. “We're losing track of what's normal. You walk around in a fantasy game world or pull up in a Taco Bell drive-thru covered in blood, and nobody bats an eye. But yeah, I can see how that would raise a red flag at Gardner's. What time is it?”

  Officer Williams checked his watch. “Twelve fifteen.”

  Tim cracked open a beer. “Good. Let's hope those boots have reset themselves. Otherwise, we're going to have to hole up inside and take Officer Williams hostage for realsies.” He chugged back his first beer as fast as he could, then tossed the can and grabbed a second one. “You guys drink up. I thought we'd have more time, but Dave won't be able to carry all three of us and the beer too.”

  “I can't carry all three of you,” said Dave. “I could barely carry two!”

  “Come on, Dave. You just need to not be a pussy long enough to use the boots.”

  “I'm telling you I can't do it.” Dave grabbed two beers and offered one to Vaeryn, who turned her nose up and accepted one from Officer Williams instead. “It's physically impossible. We're just going to have to leave Officer Williams behind.”

  Tim gulped back the rest of his second beer. “And I'm telling you the only way I'm leaving him behind is with a fucking bullet in his head.”

  The sirens were blaring now. Blue lights swarmed toward them like a horde of angry bees. They'd be surrounded by cops in a matter of seconds. Tim looked like he was itching for Dave to treat his threat like a bluff, just so he'd have an excuse to shoot someone again, prove himself as someone who is not to be challenged.

  “Turn into rats,” said Officer Williams.

  Tim squinted at him. “What?”

  “All three of you are these wererats, aren't you?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “So if you and the lady turn yourselves into rats, this one should be able to carry all three of us with no problem, for whatever reason it is that you want him to carry us.”

  Dave sighed with relief. “There you go. Problem solved.” He wasn't thrilled about having to hold two giant rats up by their tails, but it was a great alternative to watching Tim murder a cop in cold blood.

  “No good,” said Tim. “To take our rat forms, we'd have to let go of our guns.”

  “Maybe that's better, considering you keep threatening to shoot each other with them anyway.” Dave turned to Vaeryn.

  She sneered at him, then shrugged. “I am willing to put down my weapon if Tim puts down his.”

  Tim held up his gun. “This is the only thing keeping Officer Williams in line, Dave. Of course he wants me to put it down.”

  “Listen to me, little man,” said Officer Williams. “I saw your friend turn into some kind of giant rat monster, and it scared the shit out of me. With all these cops about to swarm the place to rescue me, it wouldn't make sense for me to risk getting torn apart by the three of you.”

  “You make a good point.”

  Dave sighed again. “Phew. For a second there, I thought –”

  “Unfortunately,” Tim continued. “I don't give a shit. I'm the one with the gun, so I make the rules. That's how this works. So either Dave carries us all as we are, or I tie up this loose end before we leave.” He smiled at Dave. “What's it going to be, buddy?”

  The little prick was actually enjoying this. Killing Officer Williams was just the icing on the cake. The real game was forcing Dave into an impossible spot and watching him squirm. Maybe he needed a reminder that he wasn't the only one packing leverage.

  “If you shoot Officer Williams, I'm going to leave you here.” Dave's voice quivered when he spoke the words, and he almost felt like he was vomiting them out instead of speaking them. It was like when he'd quit his job at the golf course. He'd gone into work full of piss and vinegar, ready to lay into his boss with a kiss-my-ass speech he'd rehearsed a thousand times in his head. But when it came time to deliver, he barely managed to resign as politely as possible without throwing up, and even agreed to stay on three more weeks to train his replacement.

  But that was his boss. They had an established hierarchical relationship. Tim wasn't in any position of authority over Dave. They were equals. Hell, the way Tim ran his life, even calling them equals was generous. So why was he having such a hard time standing up to him?

  “You're a pussy, Dave,” said Tim, as if reading his mind. “You think you're being brave, but you're really just showing how much of a coward you are. When the shit hits the fan, you can't make the hard decisions.”

  “Fuck you and your fucked-up armchair psychiatry bullshit. I've made my decision.”

  “And because you're such a pussy, I believe you.” Tim slowly lowered his gun to the ground, prompting Vaeryn to follow his example. “I have every confidence that you would ditch me here with the cops to save your own fat ass, just like you tried to ditch us at Denny's.”

  “What are you talking about?” asked Dave.

  “On our way back from dropping the Horsemen off
in Atlanta. The rest of us wanted to go back for Stacy, but you decided you'd had enough. You couldn't roll that die fast enough.”

  Dave couldn't believe he had the nerve to bring that up, considering all the shit Tim had done since then.

  “I'm not having this argument with you right now. Officer Williams, get on my back, please.”

  Officer Williams nodded, then hugged Dave from behind and picked his feet up. “So what, exactly, are we doing right now?”

  “Hopefully, teleporting our asses out of here,” said Dave. He looked at Tim and Vaeryn, both unarmed but eyeing each other warily. “If you two want to come along, I recommend you turn into rats.

  Officer Williams's hug tightened around Dave's neck when Tim and Varyn shrunk down to giant rats, then even tighter still when they squealed and shrieked at being picked up by the tails.

  As police cars screeched to a halt in front of him, it occurred to Dave that they hadn't discussed a destination. Was he supposed to take them back to the other world? Or somewhere safer in this one? Officer Williams would be much more of a liability here, but probably wouldn't cause them too much trouble over there.

  But where specifically? The Whore's Head was definitely out of the question. They'd worn out their welcome at the sewer base as well. There was only one other place Dave could think of that he knew well enough to confidently teleport to, but he didn't expect too warm a reception there either.

  “Get on the ground and let go of the dogs!” shouted a young cop as he got out of his car.

  Five police cars were in the Chicken Hut parking lot now. Dave couldn't remember ever seeing that many cars here when it was open for business.

  “Doug! Are you okay?” asked another cop, this one a burly woman whom Dave would fantasize about later when he got a moment of privacy. She had her gun aimed right at Dave's heart. They all did.

  But they wouldn't shoot. Not at the risk of hitting one of their own.

  Tim clearly didn't share his confidence. He shrieked even louder now, and Dave enjoyed watching him squirm for a change.

  When he felt he'd hesitated long enough, he closed his eyes and focused on his destination. “I teleport we!”

  The next thing he knew, he was breathing in the delicious smell of curly fries.

  Chapter 28

  Katherine woke from a fitful sleep on the beach, gurgling howls still ringing in her ears. It was dark out. Even the light of the waxing moon and a gazillion stars weren't enough for her to be able to see Nightwind. It looked like most of the crew had made it to the beach while she slept, including Mordred, who was easily identifiable as the only one on the beach who was tied to a chair. Most of the others were sleeping.

  “Are you okay?” asked Tony the Elf from behind her.

  She jumped at the sound of his voice, then turned around to see if he looked like he'd been staring at her while she slept. That wasn't the impression she got when she saw him, though. He was scratching the back of his sheepdog's neck and idly poking a fire with the tip of his machete. It must be so boring being an elf at night.

  “I was just having a bad dream.” Katherine didn't elaborate about her dream being filled with people drowning in mines.

  “It wasn't your fault,” said Tony the Elf. Either he was making a confident guess at what she'd been dreaming, or she'd been talking in her sleep. “You didn't know.”

  “I might have guessed if I'd given it any thought. I was so focused on getting my shitty little brother resurrected that I didn't even consider how many innocent people might die because of my efforts.”

  “Their lives were forfeit anyway. They were slaves, and brainwashed into thinking that was a good thing.”

  “That doesn't make me feel any better about killing them.”

  “Then don't think about it like that. It's not like she was going to stop recruiting. Think instead about how many more lives you saved from getting pulled into her web.”

  After a good long yawn and stretch, Katherine forced a smile. “You sure know how to make a girl feel justified for mass murder.” She crawled closer to the fire, preferring the smell of smoke to rotting fish.

  Tony the Elf returned her forced smile with a genuine one. “Pity I don't get to use that talent very often.”

  “Did we get everyone off the ship?”

  “We left a skeleton crew, just in case... Well, we really didn't know. Just in case.”

  “Sounds good.” Katherine tried to think of a segue into her next question, then decided to just cut to the chase. “Do they know about …”

  Tony the Elf nodded. “They've been informed. Most of them didn't seem to give a shit.”

  “That seems kind of callous.”

  “They're tired, Katherine. Tired of being homeless in a world they don't belong in. Tired of living in fear and waiting for rescue. Since we arrived here, most of us have just hung out at the Whore's Head, keeping our heads down and hoping that Mordred would get bored with us and send us back home. This is the first time we've had any real hope of forcing that to happen.” Tony the Elf frowned. “I mean, aside from when your brother killed the Mordred we had at the Whore's Head. But still, I think they're happy to see someone being a little more proactive, even if it means killing a bunch of questionably innocent mine workers.”

  Katherine peered into the darkness beyond the sandy beach. “They'll be thirsty when they wake up. We don't know how long we're going to be here, and I'd rather save the rest of Captain Logan's booze until we have something to celebrate. Do you want to come with me to look for a source of fresh water while everyone's still asleep?”

  Tony the Elf gawked at her like she'd just asked him to the junior prom. “You and... I mean, sure.”

  Shit.

  Katherine didn't want him thinking that she was inviting him on some romantic moonlit stroll, or even worse, to sneak away from the others for a quickie, or anything beyond what she'd explicitly said her objective was. She didn't expect he'd try anything, and she was confident that she and Butterbean could take him and his sheepdog if they had to, but she wished there were some way to take her inkling of doubt out of the equation.

  “Where are you two going?” asked Tanner, stepping out from the shadow of a still-standing tree, almost completely invisible in the darkness.

  “You are so black!” said Katherine before she could stop herself. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean that in a racist way.”

  Tanner eyed her curiously. “You have used that word before. I am still unclear as to its meaning.”

  “You just surprised me. I didn't see you until you were right in front of me.”

  “He's a rogue,” said Tony the Elf with a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Sneaking around unseen is what they do best.”

  Katherine was relieved to see him. “Tony the Elf and I were going to search for a source of fresh water. Do you want to join us?”

  Tanner squinted doubtfully into the dark interior of the island. “In the middle of the night?”

  “Get some rest,” suggested Tony the Elf. “You must be exhausted after all that rowing.”

  “Not at all.” Tanner wagged his arms up and down like a chicken. “There is a bit of soreness in the shoulders, but I only made one trip. After we took Mordred ashore, one of the half-orcs volunteered to take over ferrying duty, so I turned in early. I've gotten all the sleep I'm going to get tonight.”

  “But shouldn't someone stay behind to watch over the others on the beach while they sleep?”

  Tanner looked back toward the crew. “There are a few more of you elves about, plus one or two nocturnal familiars. I believe some of the wizards may have also set up Alarm spells. They'll be much safer here than the two of you will be roaming this cannibal-infested island alone.”

  “We're not –”

  “That's an excellent point,” said Katherine before Tony the Elf could bring up Butterbean and whatever the hell his dog's name was. “Better safe than sorry.” She felt lame for dropping that tired cliché, but she hoped it would
put a pin in the argument.

  “Great,” said Tony the Elf. “Let's get moving then.”

  As they headed inland, Katherine found herself able to walk briskly without stepping on a single sprout. Tony the Elf hurried to keep up, managing to only step on a few. Tanner almost seemed to be intentionally stomping on them like they'd killed his mother.

  When she finally couldn't take it anymore, she whirled around and glowered at him. “This island is recovering from total devastation!”

  Tanner stopped in his tracks, bewildered. “Yes?”

  Katherine took a deep breath to calm herself. “Must you trample every fucking sprout you see?”

  Tanner looked down at his feet, then quickly moved one from a sprout he was standing on. “I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention.”

  “Don't be so hard on him,” said Tony the Elf, his uncharacteristically sympathetic tone arousing suspicion in Katherine. “You're a druid. I'm a ranger. It's in our nature to care for our natural surroundings. Tanner is a fish out of water here. His natural habitats are the back alleys and gutters of the city.”

  Suspicions confirmed. He was intentionally being a dick.

  Katherine remembered that as a druid she possessed an almost supernatural ability to move through nature without disturbing it, and considered that she might have been overreacting to Tanner's disregard for the young plants.

  “I'm sorry, Tanner. Being a druid kind of fucks with my head sometimes. I shouldn't have snapped at you.”

  “That is quite all right,” said Tanner. “I'm sure I understand.”

  “But try to watch where you're stepping.”

  As they continued, Katherine found herself having to stop and wait every fifty yards or so as both Tanner and Tony the Elf were extremely mindful of each step. She was torn between running ahead without them and telling them to just step on the goddamn sprouts when she spotted something strange ahead. Moving a bit closer, she saw it was a man-made structure, like the framework for what would be an extremely sturdy gazebo. Thick tree-trunk columns were secured together at the top by a ring of beams and braces, forming a large circle. It struck her as strange because every other structure she'd previously seen on this island, aside from the ruins of buildings from before the Ice Queen's reign, were made entirely of ice. Whatever this thing was didn't appear to be in a state of ruin. But even from where she stood, she could see the sawed-off edges of the wood were weathered and worn down, suggesting that this hadn't been an under-construction project when she brought down the Ice Queen.