He has a point, but it breaks my heart to think someone wouldn’t want to get to know Ryan or his brother, especially their own mother. Ryan has such a good heart and is one of the most genuine people I've ever met. I haven’t known him long, but I know if I were a stranger on the side of the road, he would stop to help. No questions asked.
“Well, it’s her loss,” I say as we walk up to the staircase that leads to my apartment.
He smiles weakly at me and drops my hand from his grasp. “You’re coming over tomorrow, right?”
We planned to meet every day while in the beginning stages of my sobriety. I find that having him around makes it easier not to think about the alcohol and drugs. I know I can’t slip up because he’ll be waiting on me every day. I wouldn’t be able to take the disappointment on his face if I let myself give in to one minute of weakness.
“Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow at noon.”
Tomorrow is Saturday, so Ryan talked me into meeting him earlier in the day. He said I should focus my energy on something productive instead of laying around my apartment like I have been.
“Alright, see you then.” He walks away, heading for his door, and I do the same.
Whatever he has planned is bound to be better than being trapped in my apartment all day.
SEVEN
Banging sounds at my front door, and when I throw it open, Ryan is standing on the other side dressed in gym shorts and a t-shirt. I had no idea where we were going, so I’m glad I didn’t change out of my pajamas because I would have been overdressed in jeans and a flowy blouse.
“Get changed. We’ve got somewhere to be,” he says, leaning against the frame of the door without a care in the world.
I quickly change into black yoga pants and a light green t-shirt with my blue tennis shoes that hide my fluorescent pink socks. I guess I’m going for the colorful look today, which is out of the norm for me. But, I’m going to roll with it.
“Let’s get the show on the road,” I say, placing my sunglasses on my head and walking out the door.
“What are we doing anyway?” I ask him as we hop in the car.
“We’ll be outside, but that’s all I’m saying. Except, you might hate me after today.”
“I don’t think I could hate you,” I say, while buckling my seatbelt.
“I bet you won’t think that later.” He starts the car and backs out of the parking spot, driving us to the unknown.
We drive with the windows down letting in the fresh air as the sun beats down on us. I stick my hand out the car window and fell the pressure of the wind pushing my hand back. I notice the car behind us has a dog sticking its head out one of the back windows. The dog runs back and forth between both of the back windows as if it can’t make up its mind which one it likes better. I can’t help but laugh at the simplicity of the dog’s life. Such a dilemma to have to choose which window to stick its head out of to enjoy the cool breeze.
“What’s in the bag?” I ask, pointing at the backpack resting between my feet.
“Supplies that will make you hate me less,” he says on a laugh. “Food and water. Trust me, we’ll need it.”
He parks the car at a hiking trail, but calling it a hiking trail isn’t even close to accurate. It’s a mountain. He expects me to hike up a damn mountain.
“You’re not serious, are you?” I ask anxiously as we step out of the car.
He walks around the car the stand in front of me. “Come on. You’ll be fine, and it’s not that bad.” Ryan holds out his hand for me to take, but I just stare at it and the mountain looming in front of us.
“I’m not really outdoorsy…or in to exercising.” I begin to chew on my lip and inch away from him.
“You are today. It’ll be worth it. I promise.” He grabs my hand and pulls me toward the trail. I relent and follow behind him because I know it's useless to argue with him.
The hike is five miles to the top, and I know before we even finish the first mile, I'll be huffing and puffing like a crazy woman and drenched in sweat. It’s by no means a blistering hot day, but even with the wind in the air, the sun will be beating down on us. Ryan will be lucky if he doesn’t have to carry me on his back. I’d rather he had a magical transporter than a backpack of food and water, so I could be at the top of this stupid mountain without breaking a sweat.
“Why are we doing this anyway? Couldn’t we have gone to the coffee shop or to a movie?” I whine.
“We need to mix it up. Since the day I met you, all we've been doing is going to meetings and getting coffee. Plus, I never see you do anything on your own. You’re holed up in your apartment unless you're at work.” He stops just before our feet hit the trail that will lead to my death. “That’s no way to live, Avery. I know you’ve been struggling with withdrawals, but you’re past the worst of it. If you sit around at home all the time, your addiction will eat away at you. And soon, you won’t be able to fight the cravings. You need to focus your energy on other things, that way you won’t be constantly thinking about drinking or drugs.”
His words paralyze me. I had no idea he was paying that close attention my actions. But, he’s right. All I do is sit at home. I’ve never led a life where what I was doing wasn’t centered on drinking and partying. Every time I went out, I got wasted, and in the comfort of my own home, I got high. I never developed any other hobbies. Working and partying became the only things I knew how to do.
“I don’t promise to like it, but I’ll try not to complain.” I smile weakly and take the first step onto the dirt trail that is sure to give me hell the whole way.
“That’s the spirit.” Ryan places both of his hands on my shoulders as he follows behind me.
Halfway through and I’m dying. Why do people think this is fun? Breathing is becoming increasingly difficult, and my legs are on fire. Right now, all I want to do is fall on my ass and not get up …ever. Sweat drips down my face and causes my clothes to stick to my body. I’m also emitting an unattractive odor. Yay me...not.
“I ne-need a bre-” I fail at finding words as I bend over at the waist with my hands on my hips, heaving for air.
“Let’s sit over here.” Ryan motions to a rock sitting off the path big enough for us both to sit on. “We don’t have too much further to go.” He takes out a bottle of water and hands it to me. I down half of it before he turns back to face me. He smiles and lightly shakes his head. “Eat this. I don’t want you to pass out on me.”
I greedily take the granola bar from him and finish it in record time. We sit in a comfortable silence enjoying the beauty of the day. I get lost in my own thoughts and start thinking about Emily’s wedding. It’s right around the corner. Their wedding is on the beach behind their house, and there will only be a handful of people attending. With neither of them having much of a family, they wanted to keep it low-key.
Bryan’s parents died six years ago from a robbery at a convenient store. The guy killed everyone in the store for a measly two hundred dollars. Emily doesn’t know either of her parents. She was in and out of foster care her whole childhood. Not one of the families stuck with her.
Then I think about how I'll be the only one there by myself. It’s depressing, but not in an, “am I ever going to find anyone” kind of way. I already had the person I wanted to be with, but he was taken from me. That's the cruelest form of punishment I can think of. To have the one person you love ripped from your life. Without any warning.
“Avery, are you okay?” Ryan places his hand on my knee to grab my attention.
“Oh, yeah.” I manage to smile. “I was thinking about my friend’s wedding.” That’s not a lie. Only half the truth.
“When is it?” he asks, taking a drink from his water bottle.
“Next week.”
“Is it around here?”
“It’s an hour away. She lives on the beach, so they're having it at their house. I’ll drive down there next Friday and head back Sunday afternoon.”
“That’ll be good for you.
I don’t want you to spend all of your time alone. I know you’ll have fun.”
I smile just thinking about it. I haven’t had a lot of alone time with Emily where we actually had fun. I know I can be a downer with all of my problems, but there’s no way I would ruin her day. I plan to be the outgoing Avery I used to be minus the alcohol. Well, I’m going to try anyway.
“I’m paying for us to stay in a hotel Friday night. I’m excited to spend time with her. I haven’t been able to lately.” I look up to see a couple hiking past us. They appear as the hike hasn’t affected them in the least bit. Damn fit people.
“Why haven’t you seen her?”
“I didn’t want to damper her mood with everything I’ve been going through. She has been there for me through a lot, but she deserves to be happy right now and not have to worry about me.”
“I bet she would have been happier if you had been around.” He shoves everything back into his bag.
I shrug, mostly to myself, not believing that I wouldn’t have brought her down with all my problems.
“Break’s over. I promise it’s not too much farther.” He stands from the rock and waits expectantly for me to join him back on the trail of hell.
I reluctantly get to my feet, and we continue our hike.
Thirty minutes later, we reach the top of the mountain. And, to say it’s breathtaking is an understatement. Just past the clearing of trees, there's a magnificent view. Blue water glistens in the sunlight miles below us and mountains span as far as my eyes can see. Trees cover the mountains closest to view, and the ones further out create a beautiful horizon I could get lost in for hours. A few white clouds in the sky slightly block out the blinding rays of the sun. I might have complained along the way and hated the hike, but the view makes it all worth it. I understand now why people do this. Even though Ryan is next to me, I feel alone up here. I’m standing on top of the world, and it feels as though nothing can touch me. With scenery this beautiful, I don’t know how anyone could regret the hike. If I could come up here all the time, I wouldn’t have any problems.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Ryan asks pulling my attention back to him.
“Yeah. It…it’s perfect,” I say while staring out at the landscape before me.
“I told you it would be worth it.” Ryan places his arm around my shoulder for a minute. He slides his hand away and walks closer to the edge of the mountain where he plants his ass firmly on the ground, dangling his legs over the edge.
Shouldn’t there be some sort of railing in case clumsy people like me take one wrong step? I cringe at the thought of falling to my death. I hesitantly sit next to him, trying not to think about the fact that I’m at the edge of a mountain I could easily tumble all the way down. I take several deep breaths before I calm down enough to relax.
“Lunch is served. My specialty peanut butter and jelly,” Ryan states, holding a sandwich out to me.
“Lunch?” I look down at my phone, and the time reads two o’clock. “It’s past lunchtime.”
“Trust me. If you don’t eat now, on the way down, you’re going to be starving. Don’t worry it won’t spoil your dinner.” He winks and takes a bite out his own sandwich.
“Do you do this often?” I wonder.
“What...eat sandwiches?” He smiles over at me.
What a smartass. I roll my eyes and say, “No. Hiking.”
“Ahh. Sometimes. When I need to get away from my own problems. But really, I love coming out here.”
“So you’re a hiking freak then?” I ask with a hint of a grin.
“Definitely not. I just enjoy it occasionally. I’m not out here every weekend or even everyday like some people.”
“I couldn’t fathom making this hike more than once a month. Just thinking about hiking again makes me want to hurl. I’ll never understand how people do it.”
Ryan looks at me curiously before eating the rest of his sandwich.
After we eat, we take pictures of the stunning scenery and take turns taking pictures of each other. We even snap a few goofy pictures together. We stay there for another thirty minutes talking about nothing important until I get curious. I think about all the meetings Ryan has attended. He has been to so many with me, but Rachel said he’s been going to them for two years. I wonder why when he doesn’t have a problem.
I lean back on my hands and glance over at Ryan, “Can I ask you something?”
“Always,” he says as he gives me a heart-stopping smile.
I wish he would stop smiling at me like that. It’s starting to do something to me that I’m not ready for. “Why did you start going to meetings?”
“I wanted hope.” He pauses and exhales loudly. “When I was living with my dad, his drinking continued to get out of hand. I read about the meetings online. I went one night by myself, and I heard so many stories. While some were tragic, others gave me hope that my dad could get better if he just tried. After the first meeting, I kept going back. I eventually talked my dad into going, and I sat by his side at every meeting. He changed his ways for a while, but when he stopped attending the meetings, he slipped back into his old habits. When I saw him getting trashed every night again, I moved out. I couldn’t be around him anymore. The meetings still give me hope, but I don’t have as much of it as I used to. Even though I can’t fix my dad, I love helping the people there. If I can make a difference in one person’s life, it’s worth hearing the devastating stories.”
I’ve never met someone so selfless. He gives up his own time to help other people with their problems. Not many people in this world would do that. And then, it dawns on me. Why isn’t he being paid for this?
“Ryan.” I lean forward and wipe the dirt from my hands on my yoga pants and turn my body to him. “What have you been doing the last three weeks for work?”
He gives me a inquisitive look. “Construction. Why?”
“Why aren’t you a counselor? You have so much to offer other people. You would be amazing. You’re pretty much a counselor, but one who doesn’t get any recognition or compensation.”
“I would have to go to school, and I don’t have time for that. Being in construction works for me. The hours are flexible, and that’s what I need.”
I study his face trying to figure him out. “Are you happy?” I ask carefully.
“I’m not unhappy.” He glances towards me, not looking me directly in the eye.
“But, you’re not happy. What happened to the guy who didn’t want to waste his life at a dead-end job? What would it take to make you happy, Ryan?”
I hope I’m not overstepping. I don’t know a lot about him, granted he doesn’t know much more about me either, but I know if I don’t press him, I’ll never get anything of depth out of him. I, on the other hand, will spill my whole life story without any prompting from him when the desire to drink and get high becomes too much.
He faces me and appears defeated. “Too much, Avery.” He looks off into the horizon but closes his eyes, not seeing any of it. “Too much.”
EIGHT
“I’ll be there tomorrow evening,” I tell Emily as I pack a bag for the weekend.
“I can’t wait. I haven’t seen you in far too long,” she complains.
“I know, and I’m sorry.” I never flat out told her the reason I stayed away from her. She knows I went through withdrawals. Surely, she knows I didn’t want to subject her to my moodiness any more than I did. If I had seen her in person, I know my actions would have been far worse.
“Katie won’t be here with Luke until Saturday morning. She said they couldn’t get out of work, so it’ll just be you and me.” She shuffles papers in the background, and something hard hits the ground with a thump. “Shit. Sorry, I dropped the phone.”
Katie’s a friend of ours that Emily met at work. She has shoulder-length strawberry blond hair with green eyes. Freckles cover her face that make her appear childlike. Emily introduced me to her, and we all instantly hit it off. It worked out that Bryan ha
d a friend, Luke, who was set up on a date with Katie, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. I haven’t spent much time with Katie or Luke since that night almost two months ago. I feel bad about it, but I haven’t been up for seeing the looks of pity on their faces. Seeing it on Emily’s face is enough. To her credit, she hides it as much as she can, but Katie wouldn’t be able to do the same. She wears her emotions on her sleeve.
“It’s fine, but I should let you go so I can finish packing before Ryan gets here.” I shove some clothes in my bag along with my toiletries and call it good.
“You know you can bring someone with you, right?”
That’s laughable. Who the hell would I bring to her wedding? “I don’t have anyone to invite. Everyone I care about is already going to be there.” When I stepped down at work, I cut myself off from everyone there. It’s not that they are bad people, but the only thing I had in common with them was drinking and partying.
“What about Ryan?”
“Ryan? My sponsor, Ryan?” I question, confused.
“Well, yeah. You guys seem to spend a lot of time together.” She lets out a sigh. “I don’t want you to feel left out, Avery. I know it will be a hard weekend for you. If you bring him, it’ll help keep your mind off other stuff.” I know she’s eluding to Grayson not being there and the drinking that will be happening all around me. “It doesn’t hurt to ask.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I sink down on my couch and pick at my nails.
“Think about it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
We hang up the phone, and I sit on the couch pondering what Emily said. Does she think I can’t handle myself? Or does she think I need a babysitter to watch over me? Either way I know in the back of my mind, even if it’s hard for me to admit it, she’s right. She only has my best interest at heart, and I know eventually I’ll be longing after a drink when thoughts of Grayson flow through my head at her wedding.
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