The Vlogger Diaries

by T. Collins

  But at least she’d pointed her phone the right way. She once came back from a day trip with fifty accidental selfies because she hadn’t realized her phone was on front camera.

  The first five minutes of the video showed Mum describing her day in mind-numbing detail. She said she’d loaded the dishwasher, driven to work, microwaved some soup and gone to her amateur dramatics class.

  Just as the video was sending me to sleep, she started singing ‘I Feel Pretty’ from West Side Story. Like any expert torturer, she’d lulled me into a false sense of security before unleashing the real pain.

  Mum asked me to upload her video. After a quick search I found an unpopular Chinese site called PowerVideoTube and put it on there instead. It really is the kindest thing to do. She has no idea how brutally honest people are online.

  I may have saved millions of people from experiencing my pain, but now I’m worried about any Chinese people who accidentally watch it. I hope this doesn’t lead to some sort of international crisis.

  TUESDAY MAY 9TH

  The last two videos are now up to 200,000 views. My plan to turn Destiny and Gale into a soap opera is working. But I need the next twist in their story.

  Hmm.

  Idea one – Gale dies in a tragic accident. He could be carrying a huge flammable love-heart teddy bear to her house when a stray firework hits him.

  No, that would be too much. I want the fans to be gripped, not traumatized.

  Idea two – Destiny dumps Gale. She changes her mind and gives in to the Gale-haters.

  No. Half the fans still really like Gale. I don’t want them to turn against Destiny and desert the vlog.

  Idea three – Destiny thinks Gale is trying to kill her. She finds some poison in his coat and asks the fans if she should go to the police.

  Definitely no. I stole that idea from a daytime soap opera I watched when I had the flu. I think it might have ended with the main character dying and coming back as a ghost, though that could have been a dream brought on by my high temperature.

  Idea four – Gale has another girlfriend he isn’t telling Destiny about.

  That’s the one! I can plant clues for Destiny to worry about, like perfume on Callum’s clothes or lipstick on his collar. The fans will watch the videos over and over again and argue in the comments section, boosting the view counts. Perfect.

  Emma’s coming round tomorrow, so I’ll get working on the script.

  WEDNESDAY MAY 10TH

  MOUTH FULL OF WATER CHALLENGE | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Hi guys! Guess who’s back … Guess who’s back … Galey’s back … Galey’s back. Ta-dah!

  And it’s a new challenge. Here’s how it goes. One of us fills their mouth with water while the other chooses a funny vid. If we can resist laughing, we get a point. But if we laugh and water goes everywhere, the other person gets a point. And if we laugh so much water goes all over the computer, it will break and that will be the end of this vlog. So let’s not do that.

  [At this point Callum took a sip of water, but looked at Emma and laughed it out straight away. I was lucky they were both in a giddy mood when we made this.]

  That’s a point to me! I’ve already got a point and we haven’t even started yet. Okay, here comes my first video: ‘Lizard Jumps on News Guy’.

  [As soon as Callum started watching the video, he got the giggles and spat water down the front of his hoodie. By the end of the video it looked like they’d had a water fight.]

  I uploaded this video and watched with Emma as the likes and comments came in.

  Aleksandra Love Heart

  <3 <3 <3 Destiny and Gale

  destinyisperfect

  Sooooooooooooooooooooo cute together.

  Koharu99

  It is my birthday today.

  Jodie Creates

  Check out my Destiny and Gale fanfic at bit.ly/29d1ZPc

  Evil Liam 13

  You need help.

  After about an hour, we went back on with a surprise live update:

  THE DESTINY CHANNEL LIVE STREAM

  Hi guys. Loving the comments, keep them coming. Sorry to put this on you, but I’m worried and I thought you might be able to help. Gale left his hoodie here after we made the video earlier and I was just hanging it up when I smelled perfume on it. It’s not one I’ve ever used, which makes me wonder how the smell got on there. Maybe he’s using a new sort of washing powder or something. But it really smells like perfume. Do you think I should ask him about it? Or will that make me seem crazy and jealous?

  Emma went on like this for about ten minutes, improvising but thankfully not including any ridiculous backstories. The comments came in so fast it was hard to read them:

  Pretty Much Just Me

  Call Gale right now and ask him what was the perfume. Don’t let him watch this and have time to come up with an excuse.

  My Life As Alex

  Actually this is a private matter and we should leave Destiny to work through it on her own.

  Pretty Much Just Me

  Wrong. This affects the whole of the fandom.

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  Gale is cheating on you like I said, get rid of him. Where else would perfume come from except his other girlfriend?

  My Name is Simone

  I know Gale would never do anything to hurt you there must be an explanation for this I need to think straight oh my god.

  Planet Kate

  Destiny pls read out my comments!!!

  Chloe C

  OMG this is worrying I don’t even

  Finn Funn

  … know how to finish sentences.

  THURSDAY MAY 11TH

  I sat next to Emma in chemistry today and she didn’t tell me to go away. In fact, we had such a good chat about the vlog that Mr Williams had to tell us to be quiet.

  Check me getting in trouble for talking. That’s the closest thing to social success I’ve had since starting at this school.

  Emma still ignores me when she’s with Jasmine and Grace, but when they’re not around she’s absolutely fine.

  So I’ve officially made a part-time friend. That’s better than nothing. I think.

  FRIDAY MAY 12TH

  Sebastian sat next to me at lunch today and boasted about his vlog again.

  Really? He tries to rip me off one minute and the next he thinks we can be best friends?

  But I let him drone on. If I get on the wrong side of him, I’m sure he’ll come up with a plan to blackmail us into paying him loads of money to keep the truth about the vlog secret. I need to keep him thinking we’re all still friends so his mind doesn’t turn to revenge.

  So I had to smile and nod. I just hope no one thought I was talking to him because we’re dating. There’d be no way back from that social shame.

  SATURDAY MAY 13TH

  THE DESTINY CHANNEL LIVE STREAM

  Just a quick update for everyone who watched the other night. Forget everything I said. I’ve checked with Gale and he lent his hoodie to his sister. That’s why it smelled of perfume. I feel kind of stupid for even mentioning it. But I didn’t make a big deal about it – I just said it in the middle of some other stuff. Anyway, I’ve put my mind at rest now. Thanks for all your comments, keep them coming in …

  As the live stream went on, massive arguments broke out in the comments section.

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  I don’t see why you would believe him. Who would wear their brother’s clothes anyway? Ew.

  Chloe C

  OMG she has just stopped worrying. Why would you even say this?

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  Destiny please read this call his sister and see if she borrowed his hoodie. Then you’ll know.

  My Life As Alex

  So happy you and Gale have worked it out.

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  You seriously think that’s happened???

  Sarah Sarcasm

  Seems Legit.

  destinyisperfect

  So so happy. Dest
iny and Gale together is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  Finn Funn

  In that case you can’t have seen that video where a cat dressed as a shark rides a vacuum cleaner.

  SUNDAY MAY 14TH

  Mum came into my room this evening and chucked her phone on to my desk. She said there was a new vlog on it, and I should take it off and put it on the internet. Then she went out, leaving me to ‘enjoy’ the video.

  I uploaded it to the same Chinese site as before and watched with my finger over the mute button. I needed to be ready to act in a split second if any more singing broke out.

  If possible, the video was even worse than the last. Mum spent the whole time moaning about how we never get together as a family anymore. She said her daughter spends too long on her computer and she wishes she’d come down and chat more often. Then she said she should at least tidy her room once in a while if she insists on spending so long in it.

  Yeah, Mum, I can see what you’re up to. You think that by putting your usual moans in a vlog, I’ll be more likely to pay attention to them. Well I won’t. I even threw a couple of extra socks on the floor to prove I hadn’t listened.

  Mum came back a few minutes later to collect her phone and asked me what the internet thought of the video. I told her the internet thought people should be allowed to stay in their rooms if they wanted to and if other people were so offended by the state of their rooms they should stop barging in all the time. Mum said the internet sounded like it had a lot of growing up to do.

  MONDAY MAY 15TH

  I heard someone approaching as I walked home today. I was worried it might be Sebastian, but it turned out to be Emma. She didn’t even look ashamed to be with me. We must have been well out of sight of the Swans.

  I suggested we go to the high street and pick out some clothes for the next haul video instead of heading straight home. I thought shopping for clothes might be less stressful with her there, but it didn’t turn out that way.

  We were looking through a rack of sale jumpers when I spotted a couple of girls pointing and giggling from the other side of the store.

  Maybe I’m paranoid, okay definitely I’m paranoid, but my first thought was that they were coming over to tease me about my clothes or my hair or something. I always felt out of place in those shops.

  But it wasn’t me they were interested in. They barged up to Emma and said, ‘Oh my god, you’re Destiny.’ Emma switched straight into bitchy face, as if Sebastian had approached her while she was with the Swans. She pushed past the fans and walked away without saying anything.

  I suppose I should have seen this coming, as the vlog is getting so popular. I keep thinking of the view count like a high score on a computer game, and forgetting there are real people behind it. Emma was bound to bump into some eventually.

  If I’d thought about it, I could have prepared her. I’d have told her to hug each fan and squeal, just as Destiny would. Now these poor fans would go straight on Facebook and Twitter and spread the word that Destiny was nasty in real life.

  I dashed over to Emma and told her we were going to do a drama exercise. She had to imagine the girls she’d just blanked were old friends she was meeting for the first time in months. She instantly switched into Destiny mode and went back over to them. I’ve got to hand it to her, she knows how to commit to a role.

  She greeted them, chatted and even posed for selfies, which is great because the fans will share them online and spread the word about the vlog. What could have been a PR disaster became a triumph. I’m so glad I was there.

  I wish I could act. I’d get myself into character as a confident, friendly, popular girl and stay in it forever.

  TUESDAY MAY 16TH

  Callum was out of breath when he arrived to record the new video tonight. He said he’d been outside Starbucks with his girlfriend when a group of angry girls ran over from the other side of the street and started yelling. They’d called him a cheater and one of them had thrown fries at him. Callum and his girlfriend Megan had to escape by jumping on a bus.

  I really hope that was nothing to do with the vlog. You sometimes see gangs of girls in the town centre, so it could have been a random attack. A girl from school got her phone stolen by some a couple of weeks ago. But the stuff about cheating makes me think they’re Destiny fans.

  I feel sort of guilty, especially as the video we’ve just made stirs thing up even more …

  WORD CHALLENGE | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Hey guys! Welcome back. It’s word association challenge time! Yay! It’s very simple. I say a word, then Gale says a related word, then I say another related word. We keep going until one of us pauses or repeats a word or says one that has nothing to do with the last.

  I used to play this with my friend Steph. It would always end in an argument about which words were related to which. She once refused to speak to me for a week because I wouldn’t let her follow ‘plastic bag’ with ‘motorbike’ because ‘they were both things she’d seen in the street’.

  Sometimes the best videos happen by mistake. My original idea for this one was for lipstick to fall out of Gale’s pocket on to the floor. Destiny would fail to spot it, so the fans could point it out to her in the comments. But what happened was much more convincing.

  I got Emma and Callum to play the challenge for real, as I thought it would be easier than writing a script. After a couple of minutes, Callum got to the word ‘friend’ and Emma said ‘girlfriend’. By this time, they were both genuinely saying the first things that came into their minds. So Callum said ‘Megan’ – the name of his actual girlfriend.

  Instead of continuing, Emma asked Callum why he hadn’t said her name instead. Callum said it was a mistake, and Emma looked really confused. I’m so glad they both managed to stay in character.

  They continued with the game and Emma made no mention of Gale’s slip when she did her usual wrap-up asking the fans to comment and subscribe.

  I uploaded the video an hour ago and already even the most loyal Gale fans are turning against him:

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  And finally the truth comes out. Let me say this to you as a friend – Gale is cheating on you with a girl called Megan, now you have your proof, END IT.

  Queen Ashley III

  Gale’s face at 3:14 check out the guilt.

  Chloe C

  So what? It doesn’t prove anything, that could be the name of his ex.

  Just Being Courtney H

  And that’s the first name in his mind? Still not cool.

  Aleksandra Love Heart

  I’m sorry to say I voted to keep U with Gale. I admit I was wrong, now you must admit it too.

  Jaydenisonfire

  I was just about to go to bed when this came through now I will not sleep *sigh*

  ThatztottalyCate

  what is this cannot be write if hes says her name then cant be good fr you just feels wrong

  Finn Funn

  I’m fluent in moron. Please allow me to translate. “I believe your boyfriend is untrustworthy.”

  WEDNESDAY MAY 17TH

  It’s here! An email with a link to my new ad revenue payment. Not sure I want to know. Okay … I’m going to look …

  £463.46

  That’s okay, I think. If it stays the same next month, I should have just enough to cover the New York trip once I’ve given Emma her share. Mission accomplished. Then I can delete the channel and all of Destiny’s social media accounts and move on.

  THURSDAY MAY 18TH

  Oops. This message has just come through to Destiny’s account:

  Hi Destiny, we saw your so-called boyfriend Gale with ANOTHER GIRL yesterday. We wanted to get a picture to prove it, but he ran away. My friend Tracey hit him with a French fry tho LOL.

  It looks like the girls who chased Callum were Destiny fans. What kind of a rabid mob have I created? If they track Callum down and kill him, will I have to go to prison too?

  It’s fine. I’ll be deleting
the vlog as soon as I get enough for the New York trip. I just hope for Callum’s sake he doesn’t run into these girls again before then. They sound scary.

  FRIDAY MAY 19TH

  Emma sat with me instead of the Swans at lunch today. I told her about the ad money and she seemed happy. Then she went through some of her ideas for the vlog, one of which was to build up the character of Gale’s secret girlfriend Megan following Callum’s accidental mention of her.

  She even wanted Megan herself to appear in one of the videos, but I managed to talk her out of it. I’m already worried enough for her safety after the French fry incident. The fans would destroy her if they recognized her in the street.

  Instead, I’m going to call Callum’s phone and pretend to be Megan during the next video they do together. This way we can keep the cheating storyline going without putting Megan herself in any more danger.