The Vlogger Diaries

by T. Collins

  Emma soon came back from makeup and we watched as the clipboard woman came in and took people to the studio. There was a woman with grey hair who was an expert on climate change and a bald man who didn’t believe in it. They were really friendly to each other in the green room, but had a massive row as soon as they went in front of the cameras.

  Next a middle-aged man in a suit and a woman in a purple dress were taken out to talk about house prices or something. I saw them on the screen above the green room door, but I didn’t listen. I was too busy rehearsing my question over and over in my head.

  Eventually the clipboard woman came in for us. She led us down a long corridor to a black curtain, pulled it back and told Emma to sit on the stool opposite Seema. Then she pointed out a gap in the front row of the audience where I had to sit.

  I wished Emma luck and darted over to my seat. The studio looked smaller than it does on screen, but there was still room for ten rows of audience behind me.

  Emma perched on her stool, arranged her hair and placed her hands on her lap. She went into Destiny mode as soon as the interview began. All the questions Seema asked were ones we’d prepared for, and Emma reeled off her answers perfectly.

  It was all going so well. I should have guessed disaster was on the way. I was concentrating on Emma so much I barely even noticed the weird smell wafting over from behind me.

  After a few minutes of chat with Emma, Seema picked up a large wireless microphone and stepped over to the audience. She asked if any of the fans had a question and I shot my hand up.

  This was it. The moment I’d been preparing for all day.

  A cameraman rushed over to me and shoved his lens in my face. I could see my huge face on a screen high above us. I thought I looked nervous and that made me feel nervous.

  My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty and my mouth was dry.

  Seema held the microphone in front of me. Over her shoulder I could see Emma smiling at me. She’d done her bit, now it was my turn.

  Above me I could still see my own face. It didn’t seem to be speaking. And what was that smell? It was driving me mad.

  All morning I’d been running through my question. I had every word of it fixed in my mind. The perfume, the word association game, the phone call. These words were all floating around in my mind, but I had no idea how to string them together.

  I think I managed to say the word ‘perfume’ before Seema said she’d come back to me and asked who else had a question.

  ‘I do,’ said a voice from the back of the audience. As I was wondering where I’d heard it before I suddenly worked out what the smell was.

  It was cheesy puffs.

  I whipped my head round and saw Sebastian. He was standing on the back row and holding his hand out for the microphone. He was wearing a black Call of Duty t-shirt that was tucked into his crumpled blue jeans.

  No doubt he’d seen the call for fans I’d put out and got in touch with the researcher. But why had he come? I really hoped he wasn’t trying to promote his own stupid vlog.

  ‘I’ve got a question,’ he said, snatching the mic from Seema. ‘Why do you pretend to be called “Destiny” when really you’re an actress called Emma Wilson? Why do you pretend Callum Smith is your boyfriend and that his name is Gale? Don’t you feel you’re being dishonest to your fans?’

  Sebastian turned to look at me and grinned. His braces glinted under the studio lights.

  I felt myself sinking down in my chair. I tried to think of something I could say that would make it better. But the only things that came into my head were perfume, word association and phone call.

  Sebastian handed the mic back to Seema and sat down again.

  Emma’s smile dropped and her cheeks went red. She was silent for a few seconds, then she pointed at me.

  ‘It was all Olivia’s idea,’ she said. ‘She told me what to do.’

  Seema paced back down the stairs and thrust her mic at me. The cameraman ran back over and crouched down in front of me. ‘Are these allegations true?’ asked Seema.

  I felt like I’d plunged down a steep drop. I hadn’t even managed to repeat a question I’d been preparing all day. What chance did I have of justifying the whole Destiny thing on the spot?

  I felt a bead of sweat trickling down my forehead. This was going to look soooooo attractive in HD.

  ‘Kind of,’ I said. ‘But I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It just got out of hand.’

  I heard a sob next to me and turned to see a young girl wearing a thin jumper and green dress, just like the ones Destiny had recommended in the last haul video.

  Seema strode over to her. ‘You’re one of Destiny’s army of superfans,’ she said. ‘How does it feel to know you’ve been lied to?’

  ‘Awful,’ said the girl, wiping her eye on her sleeve. ‘I thought I could trust her.’

  Now I thought of something I could say. I could explain that we hadn’t hurt anyone, stolen any money or even lied about anything major. We’d just created a character people felt they knew, the same as the writer of a soap opera might. I wanted to say I was sorry we’d got carried away, but what we’d done wasn’t really that bad. But I didn’t get the chance to say anything else.

  Seema returned to her desk at the front and said they were out of time. Emma was still in shot, but she was slumping down on her stool and covering her face. Her second TV appearance had been even more embarrassing than the health milkshake ad.

  The clipboard woman announced the show had gone off air and a wide door at the side of the studio opened. The audience around me began shuffling out. Emma followed them without even speaking to me.

  Sebastian sauntered down from his seat on the back row and stopped in front of me on his way out.

  ‘If only Destiny had taken on an agent,’ he said. ‘None of this would have happened.’

  I was still too stunned to say anything more than, ‘Shut up, Cheese Breath.’

  The studio emptied out until there was just me and the TV crew left. Seema was standing over by her desk and gathering her papers.

  ‘Thanks so much for that,’ she said. ‘That was a great piece.’

  I’m glad someone enjoyed it, because it was the worst moment of my life.

  MONDAY MAY 29TH

  Mum and Dad didn’t see the show, unsurprisingly. This means I won’t have to put up with any lectures, but it also means I have to keep up my normal routine so they don’t realize anything’s wrong.

  So I went into school today, even though I felt like staying in bed and sleeping until next year.

  It wasn’t that bad at first. No one mentioned the TV disaster, and why would they? Who would be watching a discussion show on a local station anyway?

  But word soon spread. By the time I walked down the corridor to the lunch hall, three different people turned their phones round to show they were watching the clip of our appearance.

  Someone must have been sharing it. And you can bet that someone has braces stuffed with bright orange crumbs.

  I took my place at the back of the queue, but a boy from the year below me turned round and shouted ‘perfume’. I decided I wasn’t that hungry.

  I trudged away to the library, hid behind the shelf at the back and ate my bag of M&M’s as quietly as I could.

  My life in this school is over now. I’ve deleted the Destiny account and I’ll never get any more ad revenue from it. But even if I did I wouldn’t go on the New York trip. Anyone I tried to make friends with would just ask me about the TV disaster.

  I’ll just have to stick it out for a couple more years and then I can go to college where no one has seen the clip of my appearance and no one thinks it’s hilarious to shout ‘perfume’ at me.

  TUESDAY MAY 30TH

  I couldn’t stop myself. I checked online for the clip tonight. I was worried someone might have uploaded it so Destiny’s fans could find out why her channel has suddenly gone missing.

  Someone had. And no prizes for guessing who.


  The clip was right at the top of Sebastian’s channel, just above ‘Halo 5 Full Walkthrough With Expert Commentary’. He’d named it ‘The Truth About Destiny the Vlogger – You Won’t Believe What She Reveals’. Nice clickbait title, Cheese Breath.

  None of his other videos had more than 1000 views, but the Destiny clip was already over 10,000.

  I tried to ignore the comments, but it was no use:

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  I feel like I’m actually going to be sick why would someone do this to us?

  Sebastian Gamer King

  So sorry about what has happened to you. Please check out my other videos and subscribe to my channel.

  Ella D

  I was never in the Destiny fandom but I have just learned of this and I am destroyed for you all.

  Sebastian Gamer King

  So sorry about what has happened to you. Please check out my other videos and subscribe to my channel.

  Chloe C

  Literally I am crying.

  Sebastian Gamer King

  So sorry about what has happened to you. Please check out my other videos and subscribe to my channel.

  Evil Liam 13

  All the time I was trolling the Destiny channel, it turns out I was the one being trolled. Fair play, ladies, fair play.

  Sebastian Gamer King

  So sorry about what has happened to you. Please check out my other videos and subscribe to my channel.

  Koharu99

  I have plane tickets to come and visit Destiny’s house, now what will I do?

  Sebastian Gamer King

  So sorry about what has happened to you. Please check out my other videos and subscribe to my channel.

  Yeah right, Sebastian. I’m sure pasting the same reply to every comment will work. Because the ideal thing to replace Destiny’s vlog is two hours of a nerd explaining why a sniper rifle is better than a rocket launcher for killing zombies. Idiot.

  WEDNESDAY MAY 31ST

  I brought in a packed lunch today and ate it at the back of the lunch hall with my headphones on.

  I was chewing some Doritos in time with my music when I felt someone nudging my arm. I looked up, preparing for someone to make yet another hilarious comment about perfume. But it was Emma.

  She told me she’d been officially thrown out of the Swans. Too many people were teasing her about the TV show and Jasmine was worried the shame might rub off on them. They’ve let a girl called Bethany join instead, and she’s been waiting to become a member for years.

  I apologized to Emma for getting her into such a mess, but she said it didn’t matter and she was sure everyone would forget about it all soon. But by then there was a crowd of students pointing and laughing at us, so we had to leave.

  THURSDAY JUNE 1ST

  Sebastian’s video of our TV disaster has topped 50,000 views. It’s even earned another reaction video.

  THE TRUTH ABOUT DESTINY THE VLOGGER – YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE REVEALS | RUBY REACTS

  Okay, I’ve watched the Destiny Channel before. It got deleted a few days ago and everyone wants to know what happened. Apparently this video explains it. Let’s watch.

  [As with the last video, Ruby was staring at the screen while the footage from the TV show played in a small window in the top right.]

  She’s on a local TV show talking about her vlog. What am I missing here? How does this explain why she deleted her channel?

  [Ruby stared at the screen in confusion. The TV footage got to the bit where I was meant to ask my question. I didn’t want to watch it, so I covered up the top right of the frame.]

  Perfume? What does this girl mean about perfume? I don’t understand, guys. Can someone tell me what I’m looking at? Okay, a guy with braces is asking a question now …

  [Ruby stared at the screen with her mouth hanging open as Sebastian made his pathetic little speech.]

  I’m sorry … What is this? It was fake? The whole thing was fake? Why would you do this to your fandom? Sorry, I can’t do this. I just can’t …

  [Ruby pulled out a tissue and dabbed the corner of her eye. It’s no wonder she was so upset. She’d spent a whole five minutes of her life watching Destiny’s videos, after all.]

  This time I felt like recording a reaction-video reaction. Ruby Reacts has worked herself into tears over a fake vlog and the really annoying thing is HER VIDEOS ARE JUST AS FAKE. I looked through her channel and loads of them end with her crying and saying ‘I can’t do this’ because she’s overcome with emotion. Like she feels that way every time she watches a video. Yeah right.

  But I didn’t record any response, of course. That would mean filming myself and watching it back, so it wouldn’t be worth the pain.

  FRIDAY JUNE 2ND

  So what do I do with my evenings now? Emma and Callum won’t be coming round anymore. I can’t watch other vloggers as it will just remind me of my failure. I should get another hobby, but I can’t think of anything else I want to do. Maybe I can think up some good ways to kill Sebastian.

  SATURDAY JUNE 3RD

  I’ve decided to put the whole Destiny episode behind me and start again with a new vlog. And this time I won’t be misleading anyone because the star will be Loki. No one can say I’m tricking them into thinking the vlog is real, because cats don’t have laptops or phones and even if they did they wouldn’t be able to record videos because they don’t have opposable thumbs.

  I’ve already planned Loki’s first vlog and now I’m going into the garden to gather some props.

  SUNDAY JUNE 4TH

  WELCOME TO MY VLOG | LOKI

  Hey everyone, my name’s Loki! Welcome to my first ever vlog. I’m starting off with my summer haul. I’ve just been into the garden and as you can see I’ve brought in a leaf, a chocolate-bar wrapper and a dead spider.

  When you’ve gathered your haul, be sure to drop it at the feet of your owner and look up at them like they should be impressed.

  [I used a high, silly voice for Loki. I know he wouldn’t approve of this because he thinks of himself as a tough hunter, but it fitted with the footage.]

  Next, I’m going to take you through my morning routine. I like to start off at around 4am, running up and down the stairs for no reason. Then at about 6am I like to wake everyone up one at a time by jumping on them.

  After my morning nap, I like to scratch the back door like I want to go out, but stay inside when someone opens it. After that it’s time to find a convenient place to settle, so I’ll hunt around for a laptop someone is using.

  This is what Loki actually does, by the way. Once, I was writing an essay and he managed to walk across my keyboard and press select all and delete. I’d like to think this was an accident, but it happened straight after I’d refused to give him some of my sandwich.

  I’ve uploaded the video now and I’m waiting for the views to mount up. There’s only been three so far, but I need to be patient. I’m sure Loki’s fans are out there somewhere.

  MONDAY JUNE 5TH

  Emma sat next to me at lunch again today. No one teased us about the show, which was a relief.

  There’s a boy a few years younger called Eamonn who’s been suspended for drawing on people’s foreheads in permanent marker, so everyone’s talking about him instead now.

  I told Emma about my Loki vlog and she thought it was a good idea. She said she misses recording videos, but she’s trying out for the role of Sandy in her drama group’s production of Grease, so she’ll be busy in the evenings again soon.

  Over on the other side of the canteen, I spotted Sebastian eating an even bigger bag of cheesy puffs than usual. He better not have bought those with the profits from uploading our TV appearance. That’s our misery he’s crunching noisily on.

  TUESDAY JUNE 6TH

  Hmm. Only 20 views for Loki’s vlog. Not great when you’re used to view counts in the hundreds of thousands. And the only comment he’s got so far is a spam link inviting him to earn over two hundred dollars a day. That’s not goin
g to happen, unless dead spiders are more valuable than everyone realizes.

  WEDNESDAY JUNE 7TH

  Great news for Emma. She got the role of Sandy in Grease, and Callum got the role of Danny. The director said they had fantastic chemistry together, and I’m taking all the credit. I’m glad Emma got something out of the vlog other than a catastrophic TV appearance and Callum got something out of it other than a French fry thrown at him by some angry girls.

  THURSDAY JUNE 8TH

  The Loki video has still got just 28 views and no genuine comments. I’m starting to think his vlog might not be such an amazing idea after all.

  Oh well. I guess he just doesn’t have the star power of Grumpy Cat, Keyboard Cat or Weird Meow Cat. It’s a shame, because the only payment he’d have demanded would have been extra cat biscuits.

  So what now? I can’t bring Destiny back. But I’d like to continue vlogging somehow. I don’t care about the money really, I just enjoy doing it.

  FRIDAY JUNE 9TH

  Today I looked back at my very first attempt at vlogging, from before I came up with the idea of Destiny. And it was just as awful as I remember. But it was only awful because I was trying to be the sort of character I thought a vlogger should be. What if I tried it again, but this time as myself? If I can be as honest in a vlog as I am here in my secret diary, people might like it. I could even call it ‘The Olivia Tells The Truth Vlog’.