by T. Collins
I still don’t want to watch footage of myself back, but maybe I don’t need to. I could just record the videos and upload them without editing or checking them.
I might as well do it. I’ve got nothing to lose.
SATURDAY JUNE 10TH
THE TRUTHFUL VLOG | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
Hi! Welcome to my channel. This is going to be just like any other vlog. Except I’ll be totally honest about everything.
[I didn’t shine flattering lighting on my face and I definitely didn’t put makeup on. I looked like I’d got out of bed in the middle of the night to Skype a distant relative. And that’s how I wanted it. There was no point in boasting about how honest the vlog was if it looked fake.]
For example, want a room tour? Too bad, my floor’s covered in food wrappers, socks and books, so I can’t even get across it. There’s a clear path from my bed to the door and from my bed to this computer and that’s pretty much it.
I went on like this for ten minutes, boasting about how lazy I am and how much I hate tidying. I uploaded it as soon as I’d finished. It might be unwatchable, but I had fun ranting at the camera anyway.
So far the video has a total of zero views, zero likes and zero dislikes. Yay! Zero dislikes! I’m the joint most popular vlogger in the world going by the lowest amount of dislikes.
SUNDAY JUNE 11TH
THE TRUTH ABOUT MY NON-EXISTENT FANS | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
Hey everyone! Well I say ‘everyone’. The view count on my last video was zero, and this one might be zero too. Hello, nobody!
It’s weird, isn’t it? If I sit here talking to myself it means I’m crazy. But if I sit here talking to myself and upload it, and just one person watches, it means I’m a vlogger.
When you’re starting a new channel, you’re meant to post links to it on the comments of other, more popular vloggers. But I’m not even going to do that. I’m enjoying the tension too much. Am I a vlogger or am I mad?
[This went on for a few minutes before I got bored and uploaded it. Two hours later, I’d had one view. I was quite pleased, but then I thought it might be Sebastian cyber-stalking me and got creeped out.]
10PM
My new video has had its first comment. It was of course spam:
LOL Funvids LOL
That video was FUN!!! For more fun videos, check out funsite.fun
I replied with, ‘I must check that out. I’m looking for a fun new virus for my computer.’
I can’t believe I’m arguing with spambots now. It’s not like I’m ever going to think of something so sarcastic they rise up and overthrow their programmers.
11PM
Wait, wait, wait. Stop everything. There’s a real comment. Someone watched my actual video and wrote some actual words.
Natalie Tha Cupcake
I watched this! So you’re not mad. Well, you are. But in a good way.
MONDAY JUNE 12TH
I was sitting with Emma in the canteen this lunchtime when the Swans walked past. Emma smiled and said hi. Jasmine and Grace bit their lips and ignored her, but Bethany scowled and said, ‘We don’t talk to fakers.’ There’s someone who’s enjoying being a Swan way too much.
I don’t know how she can call us fakers. Their entire clique is about being fake. All the time Emma was a Swan she did bitchy resting face whenever girls were near and flicked her hair like she was back in her milkshake commercial whenever boys were near. But she’s not really like that at all. Everyone who ever joins the Swans has to pretend to be as awful as Jasmine, regardless of their true personality.
These are things I should have said to Bethany. But, like usual, all that came out was, ‘Shut up.’
I spent the rest of the day feeling annoyed I hadn’t said more. I was still angry when I got home, and at first I wasn’t going to do a video at all. Then I decided to make it the subject of my video instead. After all, I did promise to be totally honest about what was on my mind.
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE POPULAR GANG | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
Hey, guys. Today I’m going to talk about popular cliques. Every school has that one gang who think they’re better than everyone and we just accept it. Why? They just appoint themselves school royalty and the rest of us bow down like the good little servants we are.
Ooh, I can’t believe the popular gang spoke to me, I feel so special! Oh I can’t believe the popular gang sat next to me at lunch, it’s like I’m one of them! Oh I can’t believe the popular gang stole my lunch money and flushed my head down the toilet, I’m so lucky!
I went on and on until I ran out of breath. It felt great to get it all out of my system. Weirdly, I find it easier talking to a camera about this stuff than to actual people. I was worried about uploading the video in case I came across as too angry, but then I remembered no one watches anyway, so it didn’t matter.
TUESDAY JUNE 13TH
I checked the vlog this morning and noticed my latest video had 134 views. That’s a lot more than I was expecting. 134 more, in fact. It’s hardly Destiny levels of popularity, but it’s way ahead of anything Loki managed.
In your face, Loki! In your furry, whiskery face!
10PM
The view count on my vlog is at 1514 now. Not only am I more popular than my cat, I’m more popular than my mum. In the space of a day, I’ve risen from being the third most popular vlogger in the house to the number one spot.
There are actual comments too, from actual human non-robots, non-spammers, non-self-promoters:
MorganaEatsChocolate
<3 <3 <3 This video. Wish you were at my school then we could sit together and laugh at the so-called ‘Gorgeous Gang’. That’s what the popular clique in my school are called, by the way. Sad.
Kaylee B
There is a group just like this at our school the ringleader is Karen and she is a cow she thinks just shes so popular and can just take my stuff.
Clara Tha Smart Cookieee
OMG please make more I love this video. Pleeeease! Anyway byeeee.
Evil Liam 13
I’ll be honest. I came here with the intention of trolling you. But it looks like life has already trolled you enough.
MorganaEatsChocolate
We don’t care what you talk about here #Oliviafandom
It’s strange to read comments about me rather than an imaginary character called Destiny. I thought the trolling might be upsetting now it’s about me, but I still don’t really care. Those trolls are unhappy people taking out their frustrations on others. They’re the outsiders at their schools – just like I am.
If anything, I feel sorry for them. Plus, when you’ve had a cheese-breathing goblin take revenge live on TV, a few random comments aren’t going to hurt you. Positive comments, on the other hand. Now THEY’RE weird.
I get really embarrassed whenever someone says something nice in real life, even if it’s just a teacher telling me they liked my essay or a relative telling me I’ve grown. But a stranger saying they wished I went to their school so I could be their friend is just wrong.
I feel like I might stop reading the comments on my videos soon. And if I do, it will be to avoid reading the words of the fans, not the haters. Maybe I am crazy after all.
WEDNESDAY JUNE 14TH
Charlie was watching his usual videos tonight when I tried to record my next vlog. I was worried the noise of his laugher would be in the background, and some animal-protection officers would call round to see if we’d imprisoned a seal. I went to his room to complain, but he just turned his speakers up and laughed even louder. It doesn’t even sound like real laughter anymore, he’s just shouting ‘ha ha ha’ loud enough for my computer to pick up.
I decided the best thing would be to channel my anger into a video again:
THE TRUTH ABOUT MY BROTHER | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
Listen to that. That’s my brother pretending to laugh because I just complained about the noise. Every day he watches the same five videos over and over again and giggles like he’s
seeing them for the first time. I asked if he could turn the sound down, so he turned it up and now he’s putting on a fake laugh.
[I paused so my fans could hear the start of ‘Ultimate Fail Compilation’. There was the sound of someone falling off a skateboard and screaming in pain followed by my brother shouting ‘ha ha ha’.]
Why can’t I have a normal brother like everyone else? Other vloggers have siblings they can do tag videos with. If I tried making a video with Charlie, he’d prod my arm and make high-pitched noises until I went into meltdown, like he does on car journeys.
[I stopped to let the noise from Charlie’s room come through again. He’d forgotten all about trying to annoy me now and gone back to genuine laughter.]
That’s not a seal being crammed into a blender, by the way. That’s what my brother sounds like when he’s laughing for real. Yes, it’s unbearable living in the same house as him, thanks for asking.
I uploaded the video while I was still angry. I was a little worried the viewers might think I was mean and take pity on Charlie. But they were all on my side:
Clara Tha Smart Cookieee
I had just come in from shouting at my idiot brother when I saw this and it cheered me up sooooo much. Anyway byeeeeeee!
Princess Amber
ROFL
Pedantic Penguin
… yet somehow still managing to type. I put it to you, Princess Amber, that you are not really rolling on the floor at all.
Tangfastics Rock
Mine doesn’t just laugh in an annoying way. He claps at the same time. He literally can’t laugh without clapping. He’s even more like a seal than yours.
MorganaEatsChocolate
That’s what my brother is like too. A word of warning – if he asks you to pull his finger, don’t.
Oh, Hi Jade
LOLivia
Hey Its Alicia
*Why can’t I have a normal brother like everyone else?* Er you totally do. That’s what they’re like. #sad #true
THURSDAY JUNE 15TH
THE TRUTH ABOUT MY MAKEUP ROUTINE | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
I see a lot of vloggers talking about their makeup routine. Mine won’t take long to describe because I don’t have one. Me and makeup just don’t get on.
You watch the tutorials and they make it sound easy and then you try it and you end up sticking a mascara brush in your eye and giving yourself that attractive bloodshot look.
You make mistakes and put more on to cover them up and then make some more mistakes and you end up looking like this.
[I held up a poster of a zombie from Charlie’s wall. He likes to cover his room with pictures of disgusting things just in case you’re not already grossed out enough just from being there.]
So don’t follow my makeup advice – ever. Unless the dead have risen from their graves and you want to disguise yourself as one and walk among them. If you want my real morning routine it’s five more minutes in bed, followed by another five minutes in bed, followed by a final five minutes, followed by the real final five minutes, followed by Dad shouting.
[I switched to describing my morning snack routine after this. The video ended up being the longest one yet.]
10PM
My video about the Swans is over 4000 views, my Charlie one has topped 1000, and the makeup one isn’t far behind, even though it’s only been up for a couple of hours.
My makeup video must be the only one I’ve ever uploaded that’s had no negative comments at all. I don’t know if that means the trolls have finally lost interest, or if I’ve done their job for them by being mean about myself. Comments so far have been great:
MorganaEatsChocolate
Love these vids! Please keep making them.
Princess Amber
<3 <3 <3 Olivia
Nala Rules
I love you Olivia!!! Never stop being real!!!
People its Sarah LOL
2:32 LOL 2 THA MAX
Oh, Hi Jade
Olivia is killin it.
Melissa Knows
You don’t need makeup anyway hon. You look fab.
Kelly D
I wish I was as confident as you then I wouldn’t have to wear makeup.
Nala Rules
You don’t have to wear makeup, you can do what you want. #BeMoreOlivia
FRIDAY JUNE 16TH
Dad came to my room tonight to ask if I could download him a new phone. He’s asked this before and I know what he actually wants is to update the phone’s software to a newer version. All you have to do is go to ‘settings’ and then ‘check for updates’, but apparently that’s too much for him, because he always gets me to do it.
At least it gave me an idea for a video, which I recorded as soon as he’d gone:
THE TRUTH ABOUT MY DAD | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
Okay, so Dad just came into my room and asked me to download him a new phone. Is that because he’s going to use a 3D printer to produce the different parts? No, it’s because that’s what he thinks installing an update is called.
How bad with technology is he? Here’s one example – I once texted him to ask if he’d be home in time for dinner. He called me, said ‘Yes’ and hung up.
He’s also convinced that LOL stands for ‘Lots Of Love’ instead of ‘Laughing Out Loud’. I’ve told him a hundred times but he still can’t remember. It wasn’t a great way to end that text telling me my hamster had died.
Worse was the time I took him to the shops to choose a new laptop. He promised to let me do the talking, then just as we’re about to pay he says, ‘I think we should check if that one has Google on it.’
[I shook my head and buried it in my hands. The video went on like this, ending with the time Dad asked me to wipe the files from his monitor.]
I’m now feeling a little guilty about mocking Dad. I know he could make more effort with technology, but it’s not his fault he doesn’t get it. When he was growing up, computers were just for nerds. Whoever was the equivalent of Sebastian in his class would have been the only person who even had one. By the time they were everywhere, it was too late for him to catch up.
It was fun to make that video, but I don’t think I’ll upload it. It’s not like Dad will ever see it, but I’d still feel bad putting it out there. Unlike Charlie, he hasn’t really done anything to deserve it.
SATURDAY JUNE 17TH
I got a product placement offer this morning:
Hi Olivia
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Crystal Montague from Emojearings Ltd.
Let me tell you a little bit about us, in case you haven’t caught the buzz. Emojearings are high-quality earrings shaped as classic emoji such as smiley face with sunglasses and smiley pile of poo.
We’re looking for up-and-coming vloggers to work with us and we think you’d be perfect. If you think so too, perhaps we could reach an agreement that works for both of us.
Crystal Montague
Managing Director and Social Media Manager
Emojearings Ltd
I wrote straight back and said I wasn’t interested. I can hardly call my channel the Olivia Tells the Truth vlog and take money to push products I’d never dream of buying. The thought of just one of my viewers walking around with a golden turd on their ear would drive me mad.
I was angry they’d even contacted me. And I’ve learned that when I get angry, it’s time to start recording.
THE TRUTH ABOUT ENDORSEMENTS | OLIVIA TELLS THE TRUTH
Hi guys. I promised to tell you the truth on this channel, so today I want to talk about a side of vlogging you don’t always hear about. Because so many vloggers talk about the sort of clothes and makeup they like, they get approached by companies who pay them to mention their products. It happened to me yesterday.
[I then read out Crystal Montague’s email, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. Originally I wanted to rant about what a stupid idea emoji earrings were, but then I thought Crystal might sue me, so I settled for reading the email sarcastical
ly.]
I turned down the offer because I wouldn’t wear these earrings and I don’t see why you should. If you hear me endorsing anything it’s because I actually like it and bought it with my own money. And seeing as though Ben & Jerry’s are unlikely to approach me anytime soon, I can guarantee you won’t see any product placements here.
If you’re watching Ben or Jerry, my favourite flavour is chocolate fudge brownie. No? Oh well, it was worth a try.
I wish I hadn’t mentioned Ben & Jerry’s. I’m really craving some, but I need to wait until it goes half price again.
I wasn’t sure if this glimpse behind the scenes of the vlogging world would be interesting for my fans, but they seemed to like it. The view count quickly went over 5000, and lots of comments came in:
MorganaEatsChocolate
<3 <3 <3 Loving your honesty. This is why I trust your channel.
Melissa Knows
No one smart enough to watch your channel would buy that rubbish anyway. What are they thinking?