“I agree,” he said. I looked up at him but he had turned back to his measurements.
We worked well together. In my own element, I was relaxed and competent. I didn’t blurt out ridiculous comments or do stupid things. I worked and he worked with me.
He wasn’t quite a colleague, due to lack of practical knowledge and experience, but he was a competent, diligent, and bright assistant. And he seemed to enjoy the work.
We chatted about many things and at times worked in a companionable silence. He did, from time to time, look at me with that same expression, some combination of bemusement and happiness. It wasn’t until he yawned that I realized how late it had gotten.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I tend to stay in here until I fall asleep on the floor. I didn’t realize it was so late.”
“Don’t apologize,” he smiled, “I’m having fun. I hadn’t realized how late it was. Though the yawns I’ve been fighting for the last hour ought to have given me a clue,” he said, his face wry. “I think I’d better go, though. I have an early day tomorrow.”
“This is a good place to stop anyway.”
“Thank you for letting me join you tonight, Mr. Dawes. I had fun.”
“Me too. Come whenever you want.”
He was smiling when he left.
-
“Happy birthday, by the way,” I said one evening almost a week later as he accompanied me from the dining hall to the lab.
“Thank you,” he replied. “To you as well.”
“How did you know it was my birthday?”
“Oh, there’s not much I don’t know if I choose to,” he said with a smile.
“OK, I should have known that. I suppose I mean, why do you know?”
“In my position, I’ve found curiosity to be an asset. I don’t believe there is such a thing as knowing too much.”
That wasn’t a comfortable thought. How much he could know. How much he knew.
“I’m older,” he added after a long silence. I raised my eyebrows. “Only about six hours, but it counts.”
I had to laugh. “You’re one of the most powerful men in the galaxy and it matters to you whether or not you’re older than me?”
He shrugged. “Wouldn’t it matter to you?”
“That’s not the same thing. There’s a huge power differential between us. At least age would be something I’d have over you.”
“I get the feeling that power doesn’t mean that much to you.”
“Unless you mean as a function of energy.” I grinned at him. “No. I have no need for it. It would get in the way of my work.”
“What did you do for your birthday?” he said after a pause.
“Radiation measurements.”
He laughed. “No party?”
“With whom?”
“Haven’t you made any friends aboard ship? I know it’s only been three weeks, but you don’t seem to be the kind of person who would have trouble making friends.”
“Maybe you don’t know me very well. In my experience, there aren’t many people who are interested in being friends with me.”
“Maybe it’s they who don’t know you very well.”
I frowned, puzzled. When I looked at him again he was watching me. “And what have you concluded?” he asked.
“About what?”
“You look like you’re trying to decide something. My guess is you’re trying to figure me out.”
I thought about that before I replied. “You’re confusing,” I conceded.
He grinned. Reaching into his pocket, he produced something and handed it to me. “Here. Happy birthday.”
He’d given me a small box. I looked at him, surprised, but when he said nothing further I opened it. Inside was a pair of platinum cuff links with a raised imperial crest on them. “I thought they might be less objectionable than a ring.”
I frowned. “I didn’t get you anything.”
“I assure you, I don’t need anything.”
“Neither do I. That’s not the point.”
He shrugged. “It’s the thought that counts. We’ll just say you gave me something.”
“I’m sure you can say whatever you want, but I never thought of giving you anything.”
He stared at me in shock and then started laughing so hard he had to stop walking. We stood in the middle of the hallway and I watched both directions as I waited for him to get control of himself. If someone came along and saw him like this, it wouldn’t go well for me. When he caught his breath he said, “You never thought of giving me anything.” He repeated it as if it was the punch line to a good joke. “Not even just now, when I gave you something?”
“No,” I said. “I can’t imagine what I would get you.”
“Well, whether you realize it or not, you’ve been giving me a gift for the last ten minutes,” he said.
I grimaced. “You’re not going to say something weird like ‘the gift of your company,’ are you?”
He doubled over with laughter again. “No,” he answered when he’d composed himself. “No, I was going to say that we’ve been talking for more than ten minutes and you haven’t called me ‘Excellence’ once.”
I startled. “I’m sorry.” It occurred to me that I should have said “Excellence” just then.
He was grinning. “Don’t be. Isn’t that what I just said? No one’s ever done that to me before. It’s very disrespectful. I like it. Tell me, what do you see when you look at me?”
“The emperor.”
He shook his head. “I don’t believe that.”
I pursed my lips, considering. I nodded, “You may be right. Maybe I don’t think of you that way. Not once we start talking, at least. You don’t act much like an emperor.”
“Known many of those, have you?”
“All right, you don’t act like I expected an emperor to act.”
He smiled. “Well, you may have something there. I’ve only known one other emperor, but I know I don’t act anything like he did.”
There was a surprising bitterness in his voice.
“Is that why you act the way you do? So you’ll be nothing like him?” I’d already blurted it out before I realized it was stupid to have asked. He didn’t answer, but he looked pensive.
I was about to apologize when he said, “You may be right about that too; though I don’t know if there’s much trying involved. My father wouldn’t have had a conversation like this because he never paid attention to people, and I can’t imagine being like that. His disease was his life, his family, and friend. Everything else was just an obligation to the Empire. Even me. I was just another thing that could be delegated when he wasn’t feeling well, which was always. His counselors saw more of him than I did.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Have I surprised you?” he asked. “I’m used to that being common knowledge. It is at the palace.” When I didn’t answer, he continued, “So, what about your family?”
“My father paid a lot of attention to me. When you’re hitting someone, you have to pay attention to them or you’ll miss.”
My breath caught in my throat. I never talked about my father, if I could help it. Everyone at the IIC knew that he’d been Resettled, but nothing more. Dr. Okoro and Chuck knew he’d been a drunk. Only Kirti knew about the beatings. And now I’d just volunteered that information to the emperor himself. I couldn’t look at him.
He was quiet. “I’m sorry,” he said finally.
“It was a long time ago.”
He changed the subject. I don’t remember what we talked about then, I was too preoccupied with the shock. Not just because I’d confided in him, but because I wasn’t sorry I’d done it.
fg13
A week later he came again.
I enjoyed his company. I hadn’t expected to, before that first evening. But he wasn’t at all pretentious or self-important. He was easy to talk to and the silences were never awkward. He was bright and quick and easily extrapolated additional informa
tion and skills from what I showed him. He was eager and willing and never shrank from work, even when what I asked of him was unimportant or monotonous. He never tried to take over or direct matters.
In other words, he was again nothing like I expected an emperor to be.
He asked me a great deal about myself. I could see that it was genuine interest and I thought that was a very good thing in a man who possessed such power over the lives of so many.
“What do you do with your time when you’re not in the lab?” he asked one night.
“Eat and sleep,” I answered with a grin.
“That’s all?”
I nodded. “Too much to do here.”
“I didn’t realize I had the reputation of being a slave driver. But you haven’t been shackled to the table, as far as I know.”
“I know. I like the work. I’d rather be doing this than anything else.”
“Do you know how much trouble was taken to make sure there were adequate facilities for the residents of this ship to enjoy themselves for an entire year’s journey? I think some engineers and designers would be wounded to hear that you don’t appreciate their work.”
I laughed. “I’m sure plenty of people appreciate it. I don’t think one person makes a difference.”
“Oh, you’d be surprised.” He chuckled. “Do you play any sports?”
“When I take the time to. My friend Chuck made sure I did. He dragged me out all the time. He didn’t approve of my obsession with the lab.” My smile was weak as I thought of my friend and how far away he was.
“Well, as Chuck is not here, I see that office falls to me. I play twice weekly with some of the noblemen. You should join us.”
I made a face. “Is that an Imperial order?”
“Never.” The worried wrinkle appeared between his eyes.
“Then I’ll come.”
He laughed. “I’ll hold you to that,” he said, and looked at me with a thoughtful grin. “I’d like it if you called me Peter.”
Emperor Rikhart wanted me to call him Peter?
“Oh, it’s buried in my list of names, I know,” he said, “but it’s what my family calls me.”
“Peter, then.” I smiled. “My friends call me Jake.”
“Jake,” he nodded solemnly, acting for all the world like I’d just given him a gift.
-
The next game was two days later. I showed up at the playing field Peter had indicated. There were several men there already, many of whom I recognized from the head table. As soon as I entered, one of them noticed me and approached.
“This field has been reserved for the emperor and his guests at this hour,” he said.
“Thank you,” I answered, and continued toward the field.
He caught up and moved in front of me, putting his hand on my chest. “Spectators are not invited; this is a private game.”
I chose to ignore his hand. It wouldn’t do to get in a fight here and I tagged him as someone who wouldn’t back down. “Good.” I tried to go around him.
“What that means, young man,” he said, moving to block me again, “is that you’re unwelcome here and need to leave.”
He had turned very red by the time Peter entered the room. “Mr. Dawes!” he called out. “I’m so glad you decided to come.”
The antagonistic lord dropped his hand.
“I told you I would be here,” I replied.
“You will address the emperor as ‘Your Excellence,’” my new friend commanded.
I looked over at Peter. He gave me an apologetic look when the lord wasn’t looking, and didn’t contradict what had been said.
“Forgive me, Your Excellence,” I said. “I’m still new here. I hope I haven’t given offense.”
“It’s of no consequence,” he said, but I got the message. There couldn’t be the informality in public that there was in private. “I see you’ve already met Duke Blaine.” A smile played at his mouth.
I gave the barest of nods in Duke Blaine’s direction. “Here, let me introduce you to the others,” Peter continued as he led me away. Duke Blaine gave me a scathing look, as if it was my fault he’d made a fool of himself. I smirked at him and followed Peter.
He introduced me to the assembled lords on the field, and later to others as they came in. It was comical, really, how they all made every effort to appear welcoming—as much as was necessary, but no more—when Peter was watching, and shunned me when he wasn’t. I was no stranger to being the unwelcome outsider, and with these people, I cared even less than usual.
I ignored them as thoroughly as they ignored me; more, really, because I made no attempt to be friendlier when Peter was looking.
In spite of this, the game was enjoyable, both for the sport and for the time spent with Peter. It was amusing and gratifying the way he was able to make me feel as though we were alone together even though we were surrounded by a hostile crowd. I didn’t miss the fact that he kept me at a distance, that he spoke to me no more, really much less, than to any of the others.
In spite of this, the quick, almost imperceptible looks he would throw me, the quirk of a smile in my direction, made it feel like we carried on a constant, furtive conversation. His reactions to certain things, while they could be perceived the polite, responsible way, I knew from things he had said, really meant something else, and I could see behind his careful mask the hints of the real reactions.
In many ways I came to know him better from seeing this public side of him. He didn’t act at all like he did in the lab. He was still the same person, but the public face was a very locked-down, well camouflaged version of the private one. He didn’t say or do anything in the presence of others that he wouldn’t say or do in the lab, but the reverse wasn’t true. Here, most of what I’d come to know as the real man was hidden away.
Even if I was beneath the notice of my teammates when the game was over, I enjoyed the games. The players were competent and some even talented. The type of game rotated around so that no one game ever got old. I was glad Peter had invited me and even began to look forward to them as the weeks passed.
-
He came to the lab at predictable intervals after that. I was always happy to see him and found over time that I thought of him between his visits.
“The captain’s in a snit because I asked him to orbit in the wrong direction,” he said as he strolled in one evening.
“Why would you do that?”
“So you could see the planet from your window. I told you I’d make sure you didn’t miss the orange skies of Orellia.”
It was something I’d always remember: The tangerine haze of the atmosphere that made the continents a coppery color and the seas purple. And the realization that the emperor had moved spaceships in orbit, just so I could see it.
On one occasion, as we were working up a new experiment—I’d saved this project for several days so that he could be a part of it from the very beginning—we were joking and laughing and I called him “Pete.” His whole face lit up and I stopped calling him Peter after that.
-
Through all this, I tried to keep in regular contact with Kirti. She sent me vid and text mails often, but I was less interested in who Cynthia was dating this month, and Dr. Gunnarsen being promoted in Dr. Aitken’s place, than I meant to be. I was surprised by how much of an effort that was. I’d expected to think of her all the time, for our separation to be painful. I’d expected to talk to her or send messages to her every day.
Not only was it nothing like that, but as the weeks rolled by, I thought of her less and less. Every time I sat down to send a mail, I resolved to do so more often, but it never worked.
fg14
About a month later, he came to the lab with news. The ship’s course to the next stop would take us within four days of a planetary nebula. He’d given orders to detour and spend a week stopped in proximity; he’d cleared his schedule so that he and I could study it.
I didn’t think of anything else for te
n days. It was all I talked about. Jonathan stopped asking me anything and just started to make all my mundane choices for me. At dinner my neighbors stopped talking to me at all. It took me a few days to notice. When I stopped Pete in the middle of a game of rugby to tell him about a new idea for an experiment, he laughed.
“Honestly, Jake,” he said, “I’m starting to think this is too much for you. Maybe we shouldn’t make the stop, to preserve your sanity.”
Then he laughed again when my mouth fell open, and I realized he was joking.
-
There is nothing more beautiful in all the universe than a nebula. Standing at the lab’s window and watching our approach was like running toward an explosion in slow motion. A galactic paint-spill, color and light splashed across the backdrop of stars.
We spent a feverish seven days in the lab, almost non-stop. A few nights, we took turns napping on the couch rather than return to our beds and lose any of our limited observation time. The only exception was dinner each night. Pete insisted that we both go. I didn’t see what difference it made for me. He said I needed to get out of the lab for at least an hour every day. I suspected he didn’t want me to be there if he couldn’t be.
But for the most part, we dedicated all our time and energies to studying the nebula. It was thrilling, and it gave rise to some of my most celebrated later work.
As all-consuming as the work was, there was a notable distraction: Pete. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say, me. The concentrated time together made obvious something that had been only teasing my attention before.
I found myself standing closer to him than was necessary. And then I’d want to be closer still. I realized I was looking for excuses to touch him; a hand on his arm, a playful shove.
We had always joked and goofed around, but I found myself doing so even more just to initiate physical contact.
His reactions, too, had me in a muddle. When I made myself stand farther away than I wanted, he closed the distance. I wasn’t the only one initiating contact.
It couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be attracted to Pete. There was no way he was attracted to me. Even if we were, how could that be anything but awful? We were already doing the impossible—a friendship between someone like him and someone like me. Trying to have anything more would be a disaster. It would ruin everything we did have.
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