I wandered over towards an expectant Amber and Mitch.
‘There’ll only be the three of us,’ I said to the waitress as she filled our glasses with wine. ‘Looks like Charlie’s not coming.’
‘He’s not coming?’ Amber said.
I shook my head as I sipped my wine. I could feel her eyes on me as I crossed my legs under the table.
‘So how’s work, anyway?’ I asked. ‘All things on track with the business?’
‘Not really,’ she said, in an unexpected U-turn to the conversation. ‘I just came here from the bank, actually…’
‘How was it?’
‘Not good, Jess. It seems that the business isn’t really taking off as I expected. There are a lot more overheads than I had planned that, long story short, my incomings aren’t funding.’
Mitch reached his arm around her.
‘Can’t you get investors to help you?’ I said.
‘No. That’s the reason I went to the bank, but until I show at least twelve months’ profit, no one is going to look twice at me. It’s all gone a bit tits up really.’
‘They will, Amber,’ I said, trying to lift her spirits. ‘Just give it time. I scrolled through the website the other day, it looks amazing. I even bought a make-up bag.’
She smiled at me from across the table and rested her head on her hand.
‘But there is a silver lining in all of this,’ Mitch said, pulling up the sleeves of his black jumper.
His behaviour implied that he was on the cusp of announcing some big news.
‘Mitch has asked me to move in with him,’ Amber said. ‘And I said yes.’
‘In Ruislip?’ I said, knowing full well she hated it there.
‘God no,’ she said, as Mitch watched us exchange glances. ‘I said I would like to live with him… but not in Ruislip. So we’re moving somewhere south of the river, near Sean actually.’
‘That’s great news,’ I said, still having to remind myself that Amber was in a serious relationship.
‘And it’ll give you the chance to save some funds until the business gets itself going again,’ Mitch said, reassuring her.
‘Do you mind?’ Amber asked, scrunching her nose.
‘Not at all!’ I said, knowing that at this stage it would be a bit rich of me to feign disappointment in her.
After Mitch had left to use the gents, Amber was finally given her opportunity to interrogate me with the questions she’d been sat on for the past half hour.
‘So Charlie’s a no-show,’ she said, rolling her eyes.
‘Yeah,’ I said, too tired to reel off excuses. ‘Go on, let rip. Just say what you have to say…’
‘He’s unreliable,’ she said, bluntly.
‘Amber, I have to tell you something.’
She lowered her wine glass. She wasn’t the only one with some big news.
‘Charlie’s asked me to move to New York with him.’
I watched her reaction as her eyes sharpened, trying to come to terms with the news I had just delivered.
‘What? When? How?’ she said, confused.
‘He’s been offered a job out there and, well, he wants me to go with him. Just keep it to yourself as I haven’t made up my mind yet. And, as you know, I’m not good with too many opinions clouding my head.’
‘New York, Jess, what the hell?’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know it’s a big decision.’
‘Well, what are you going to do when this happens in New York? Sit and have dinner by yourself?’
‘I don’t know, Amber, don’t start.’
‘Sorry to interrupt,’ Mitch said, sitting back down at the table. ‘What have I missed?’
‘Charlie’s got a new job,’ Amber said, as I looked at her, praying she would end the news there.
‘That’s great!’ he said. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, it’s great. So when are you guys moving to the river?’ I said.
‘We’re thinking sometime in June.’ Mitch’s eyes suddenly diverted to the restaurant door. ‘Here he is!’ he said, getting to his feet. ‘Thought you couldn’t make it?’
I turned around to see Charlie, shirt open at the collar, hair flopped to the side.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, smiling. ‘Meeting ran over…’
He slid under the table and leaned in to kiss me.
‘Well done on the new job, mate,’ Mitch said. ‘I’m chuffed for you.’
‘Thanks, mate. I didn’t want to be a complete let down,’ he said quietly in my ear.
‘You’re not a let down…’ I said. ‘You’re not a let down at all.’
His hand over mine sitting in the centre of my lap, drew my attention to what he represented; my elbow, followed my wrist, which followed my hand to join his fingers – all laying half a foot away from a quietly beating heart.
‘Put your hand in my pocket,’ Charlie said, smiling.
‘Not a chance!’ I said, hitting his arm.
‘I’m being serious, Jess, put your hand in my pocket.’
I slipped my hand into his jacket pocket and could feel a set of cold, metal keys.
‘I picked them up today. We’re almost there, my darling.’
I watched across the table as Amber talked to Mitch about their new home, the girl who was once my home. Sliding from purgatory and on towards the future, I had somehow found my answer.
Chapter Twenty-Three – Seeds of Change
There is a certain safety in waiting for the right time, the right circumstances, the right number in your bank account, the right dress size. But in a decision caught between the ambiguity of a dream and the purpose of what is real, it is important to look to who is actually there, what is actually there and how you’re going to strive for that destination called happiness. Sometimes our present inadvertently becomes our future and I had chosen to focus on what was right there in front of me rather than the concept of what might be. I had chosen what was real.
Once I got to my desk I saw that Vin had signed off the photographs from my last shoot and so I was able to begin planning the next one. I pulled open my notebook and started picking out possible locations. I searched the Internet for the next forty-five minutes, scouring everything from manor houses to private beaches along the coves of southern England but it all now felt like a distraction from something far bigger that was waiting in the wings for me. My mind struggled to focus, so I turned to procrastination instead, rearranging my pencil pot, trying to find my strawberry lip balm, then photocopying some papers with which to begin work on my storyboard. I drew six large boxes across the centre of the page and reached over to retrieve a black marker pen from inside my desk drawer.
‘How’s it going in here?’ Vin said, smiling. ‘Jess, I was thinking you could help me plan the editorials for Fashion Week? It’s not until September but I want to get a jump on a few end of year projects. What do you think?’
‘Sure,’ I said as he walked off. ‘Wait, Vin… no,’ I said, quickly standing up from my chair.
‘What’s the problem?’
‘Any chance I could talk to you at some point today?’
‘Yeah, ’course,’ he said, chirpily. ‘Is this a standing in my office type of chat or let’s sit down over lunch type of thing?’
‘The latter,’ I said.
‘Well, why don’t we meet downstairs at 1.30 p.m.? We can get some lunch.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, with a nervous smile. ‘I’ll see you down at reception.’
I sat back down at my desk and continued to fill in the boxes. As I drew out the different shapes in thick black lines, I remembered briefly the days I spent doing this for Cathy. Looking through her archives of pictures, I would arrange her work in a similar way. I had worked so hard to get here over the past twelve months, and still couldn’t quite believe that it would all soon be changing.
Vin met me at 1.30 p.m. prompt for a meeting I had been dreading all morning. As we passed from the reception area to the pavement outside I hasti
ly suggested a salad bar around the corner and led him to a small table for two by the window. As he read the menu I searched his face for any indication that he knew what I was about to do.
‘You’re acting weird,’ he said to me without looking up.
‘Sorry,’ I said, perusing the white card for a salad. But I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even look at the options.
‘I’ll just have the small Caesar salad,’ I said to the waitress.
‘Bread?’ she asked.
I shook my head. Vin followed by ordering a quinoa and avocado salad and we both watched as the waitress left us alone.
‘Okay,’ he said, ‘something’s wrong: just a salad? No bread? Jess, I’ve seen you eat three slices just for breakfast.’
‘Vin,’ I began, before fidgeting in my chair.
‘Jessica,’ he responded mockingly, his husky voice accentuated.
‘I don’t want this to come out the wrong way, and I don’t want it to seem in any way that I’m ungrateful…’
‘Oh I get it…’ he said, cutting me off.
I stopped talking immediately. Was it that obvious?
‘You want a pay rise? That’s what this is all about. Well, to be honest, Jess you didn’t have to take me out for lunch to ask that. We could have just spoken about it back in the office.’
‘It’s not a pay rise,’ I said. ‘Vin, I’m leaving.’
I looked at him for a reaction, feeling the sense of discomfort rise around my flushed throat.
‘You’re leaving?’ he said. ‘You got another job?’
‘No, not exactly, I’m moving to New York with Charlie.’
I couldn’t have felt like less of a disappointment. For the first time with Vin, I’d lost all words.
‘That’s a shame,’ he said, rubbing his short beard. ‘That’s a real shame, Jess. You know I was really pushing for you to make progress here…’
‘I know you were, Vin. And I’m sorry.’
He rubbed his hands across his face and exhaled deeply. ‘Okay, well, thanks for letting me know, I guess. If you want I’ve got a few contacts in the magazine world over there that I can look up? But you’ll need a working visa. Do you have one?’
I nodded. ‘Well, not yet but Charlie’s work are sorting it.’
‘Of course they are… golden boy, eh? Fuck me…’
We both grinned, which turned into shared laughter.
‘Thanks, Vin,’ I said, softly. ‘Thank you for giving me this opportunity.’
He looked down as our meals arrived: a selection of leaves, edible flowers and green herbs. His expression changed instantly.
‘No offence, Jess, but now we’ve got the convo out of the way, any chance I can go and get a full English or something? I can’t last the afternoon on grass clippings.’
I laughed and nodded. ‘Go!’ I said, ‘I’ll see you back upstairs.’
I sat there in the café as the waitress came back over. ‘Was everything okay?’ she said, noticing the two untouched plates.
‘Everything was fine,’ I said, collecting my belongings.
And it was fine. It wasn’t brilliant. But it wasn’t the worst either: it was fine. I spent the remainder of the afternoon pulling down images from the wall in preparation for the next project. I ran my hand across the cream, painted plaster dotted with stray Blu-Tack, and began measuring up for the new ones: mostly from Vin’s collection, some from the archives.
Later that afternoon I was given a black office chair on wheels from the resource department and created a makeshift bookshelf from a stack of crates pushed aside in the corner of the room. I stood in the doorway to take in my progress. It certainly didn’t have the grandeur of Vin’s office but it was definitely my own space, if only it wasn’t so temporary.
I picked up my bag and turned off the light bulb, which still hung bare in the centre of the room. Usually my exit had a hint of relief, the ending of another working day – a chance to relax before the start of a new one. But today it was tinged with sadness. I decided to take the stairs down to the ground floor, pausing to sit on the top step to change my work shoes into trainers. I looked down through the gap in the railings to the floors below, cascading metal in a cold, hollow stairwell. I felt empty.
I had arranged to meet Marlowe after work under the street sign on Carnaby Street. Unusually for an activity after working, I arrived on time and could see her white blonde hair bouncing above the shoppers in the distance.
‘Sorry!’ she said, catching her breath. ‘Tube was a bloody nightmare. I’ve come from my parents’ in Chelsea, which is a nightmare to get to on public transport, but never mind… here now!’
‘Fancy a coffee?’ I said.
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘but can we get it to go? I want to have a quick look at the make-up counter in Selfridge’s and it always gets busy late afternoon…’
Armed with two double shot, tall, skinny cappuccinos, we walked down the wide pavement together, navigating our way through the people. It was busy on both sides of the pavement, filled with suits in a rush, dawdling tourists and teenagers, lingering on their way home from school.
‘Thank you for coming all this way to meet me,’ I said, linking my arm through hers.
‘You’re welcome. Any excuse to get out of the house. How is everything? You said you wanted to talk.’
‘Things are good,’ I said. ‘More importantly, how are you?’
‘Oh, I’m getting there,’ she said, looking out at the pavement ahead. ‘I don’t know, after everything that happened, I’m just sort of cruising through normality now. Know what I mean?’
I nodded heavily. ‘Yep, normality’s pretty good sometimes.’
‘As for George, he thinks that everything should be fine now, pleads that it’s over, begs me to forgive him…’
‘And have you?’
‘In all honesty, Jess, I don’t think I care enough to stay mad at him. That’s pretty sad, isn’t it: my husband had an affair and I don’t care enough to even be angry. Can I tell you something that makes me sound like a completely bad person?’
‘Fire away…’
‘I’m just a lot happier without him. Is that terrible?’
‘No, Mars, that’s not terrible,’ I said. ‘In light of what’s happened, I’d say that’s actually pretty reasonable. But listen, I have some news too. Charlie has been offered a job in New York and I’m going to be moving there with him for, well, the foreseeable future really.’
She stopped walking and turned to face me.
‘Wow,’ she said. ‘That’s some pretty big news.’
‘But before I sort the specifics, I need to know that you’ll be okay if I go, because if you need me here I can stay. I can even delay going out there and join him a bit later. That would be no problem.’
‘Jess,’ she said as she put her arm around me. ‘Don’t worry about me. For the first time in a long while, I feel like things are making progress. So please, don’t delay your life just for me. Go with him and be happy.’
‘I just need to know that you’ll be all right, that’s all.’
‘And I will be. I am.’
‘Looks like I’ve run out of excuses then…’ I said, laughing.
‘Jess, I’m sorry I let you down.’
‘No Mars, I’m sorry I let you down,’ I said as I hugged her tightly.
I put my arm through hers as we continued our walk through Oxford Street. Side-by-side, with our heads down against the wind, in a desperate search of a make-up counter where we could fix the mascara that had fallen down our faces.
Still wearing my work clothes and carrying a bottle of Côtes du Rhône, I arrived at Sean’s studio at seven-thirty. I knocked three times on the wooden door and stood back, waiting for some sign of life. A few minutes later, a sharp buzz signalled my entrance. A beautiful, blonde girl, who I hadn’t seen before, smiled as I walked through to reception. She took off her headset and laid it down on the pad of paper in front of her.
‘Can I h
elp you?’ she said, politely.
‘I’m here to see Sean. I think he’s still in the studio.’
‘Yes, that’s right – studio four,’ she said, pointing to the lift.
As the doors to the lift opened I could see him through the glass wall, alone at a desk, surrounded by several ring binders and three mannequins. He was deep in concentration, lost in his own world. I pushed the door lightly and crept in trying not to disturb him.
‘Jess…’ he said. ‘Thanks for coming all this way to see me.’
‘Fancy a glass of red?’ I said, tiptoeing in. ‘Before you get too excited, it was £4.99 from the off-licence, I’m sorry, I’m a terrible friend.’
He looked up from the desk and smiled. I reached in my coat pocket to retrieve the bottle opener I’d borrowed from work’s kitchen and sliced the foil top cleanly open.
‘Jess, I have some news,’ he said. ‘Only I need to tell you before it spills out and I don’t think I can keep it in any longer.’
‘Me too,’ I said, smiling.
‘You go first,’ he said, sharply.
‘No, you…’ I said, sitting down.
‘It’s really not a big deal, but me and Henry, well, we’re engaged.’
I stood there open-mouthed as he took the wine bottle from me.
‘Are you serious?’ I said. ‘When? How?’
‘Henry proposed to me this morning when we were getting ready for work. And I said yes.’
‘I can’t believe it, Sean. That’s fantastic news, Sean, I’m so pleased!’ I reached out to pull him into me.
‘Now, don’t go making a big deal out of it. It’s just some news that we want to keep low-key. That’s all.’
Love, and Other Things to Live For Page 25