‘I’m really happy for you, Sean,’ I said, smiling.
‘So what about you? Are you getting promoted? Preggers?’
I shook my head.
‘Well, spit it out, Jess. If we’re both engaged you can’t just leave me here hanging.’
‘Engaged?’ I said, smirking. ‘Why on earth would you think I was engaged?’
‘Because you said you had some big news. Obviously my first thought was that you had split up but you came in smiling so…’
‘Christ no, I’m not engaged. Charlie’s been offered a job in New York.’
Sean looked at me before taking a deep breath. ‘And…’
‘I’m going with him.’
He put down his wine and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. ‘You’re sure this is what you want?’
I nodded.
‘Then I think it’s a fantastic idea. Honestly, Jess, I’m thrilled for you.’
He topped up our wine glasses that were already full and held mine out for me to take from him.
‘Thank you, Seany,’ I said, quietly. ‘That means a lot to me.’
‘So you’ll come back for the wedding, right?’ he said, taking a sip. ‘You’re not going to be one of those Brits that moves and develops an American twang.’
‘Of course not,’ I said, grinning. ‘Sean,’ I hesitated, ‘you’re not doubtful or bothered that I’m going with him, are you? You’re honestly happy?’
‘Babes, I’m an incredibly selfish person and of course I want you to stay, but trust me, you’ll regret it if you don’t spend the next few years with the person you love. Just make sure you come back for the wedding, okay.’
‘I will. I’ll have to if I’m maid of honour. Now, I know Amber will want to be centre-stage but you have to be honest with yourself, I think I’d be better at the job.’
‘I’ll hold a casting,’ Sean said, reaching around my shoulder. ‘Now pass me that bottle of wine.’
I arrived home just as Amber was putting the kettle on and sat down at the kitchen table, slowly massaging my neck before breaking into a yawn.
‘You look knackered,’ she said, bluntly. ‘Go and get in the shower and I’ll make us a cuppa.’
I went into the bathroom and ran a hot shower. I could feel the water beating down on me, pummelling my back as I stood beneath it. My bright red hands tingled as I reached for a towel, wrapping it around me as I took a moment to breath, perched on the edge of the bath. After forcing myself to open the door and brave the cold outside, I towel-dried my hair and walked into the living room wearing Amber’s large cream woollen jumper. It was the jumper that had seen us through illness and break-ups, long days and short ones. It had seen us both through lost jobs, heartbreaks and hangovers.
‘So you heard from Sean?’ she said, tucking her legs beneath her against the edge of the sofa.
‘Yeah, can you believe it?’ I said, sitting down at the other end, like two bookends propping the sides up.
‘Jess. About the move, are you sure you don’t mind?’
‘Of course not – I don’t think I’m in a position to mind.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re going with him…’
‘I am, yes,’ I said defiantly. ‘Please don’t start…’
‘Jess, you can’t. What about your job?’
‘It’s a job, Amber, it’s just a job.’
‘But how? Jess, you can’t give up your life for him.’
‘Who said anything about giving up my life?’
‘Oh, come on, it will be just the same old stuff but in a new location. Him at the office and you eating dinner on your own…’
‘Well, I’ve thought of it more as starting something new: I’ll get a new job and live in a new home.’
‘Oh, you’ll just stroll into a photography job in New York, will you?’
‘Okay, now you’re starting to doubt me, Amber, and, believe me, I do that enough myself already so please, right now, just be a friend.’
‘You mean this, don’t you?’
‘Of course I do.’
‘This is crazy!’ she said, half laughing, half lost for words. ‘Give me one reason why this is such a good idea.’
‘No,’ I said, calmly. ‘I don’t need to. Why must I offer an explanation for every single little thing that I do. I would like you to support me, Amber… but I don’t need you to.’
We sat there in the weight of what had been said.
‘I’m sorry, Jess,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t have flown off the handle. Obviously, I’m happy for you and obviously I want you to stay. But you love him. And he loves you too because, believe me, Jess, neither of you would still be putting yourselves through this if you didn’t. It seems to be the only thing that makes you both stick.’
Through all the frustration, I suddenly realised she was right.
‘Amber…’
‘What?’ she replied, pushing her cold feet under my legs to warm them.
‘You talk a lot of sense sometimes.’
She reached out gently to play with a loose thread on my jumper, twirling the cotton in between her fingers.
‘It’s all about to change, isn’t it?’ she said.
‘You know what, Amber, I think it already has.’
I looked over at my friend, my partner in crime, my comrade. And if I’d learned one thing about relationships, romantic or otherwise, it was that the evolution was exactly the same…
First you need to plant it, and then you watch it grow…
Chapter Twenty-Four – Seek Happy Nights to Happy Days
A pendulum was swinging straight through our world, measuring the passage of time before a new phase would take over. Endless anticipation: days that turned into nights, nights turned back into days. It was a sign that we had quite possibly succeeded in the unimaginable: we’d built a happy life together, just as friends.
After a morning of procrastinating, in a half-hearted attempt to gradually pack up some boxes, I had been left sprinting through the crossroads outside Euston Station. It was the launch of Sean’s first menswear collection as Jack Saunders’ head designer and we were all invited to witness his debut show for them. As I ran down the escalator towards the Victoria line, out of breath and overheated, I could feel my hair damp on the back of my neck just as the tube doors closed behind me. I had arranged to meet Amber outside the venue and although it was only a short walk from the station, my four-inch heels were beginning to test me.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ I shouted to Amber, who stood in a grey shift dress on the phone to a potential client. I waited for her to finish, fighting to close my clutch bag in a tangle of lip-gloss, hair ties, chewing gum and bankcards.
For a short time, the imminent finality of goodbye could be forgotten, pushed to the back of our hearts and minds because on this night, we were going to celebrate. It was the dawn of a new era for all of us and in this newly designed trajectory, we had given ourselves up to a night filled with love, denial and happiness: a wave of feeling that defied the day that was going to inevitably happen, where our hearts could take over heads and love could triumph sadness.
‘Here’s your pass,’ Amber said, putting her phone back in her bag. She handed me a plastic slip on a piece of rope: our backstage ticket to inside Sean’s world.
‘So did this place used to be a church?’ I said, as we walked through an old rose garden hemmed in by a black iron fence.
‘Isn’t it beautiful…’ she said, gazing up at the old stone architecture.
‘Have you spoken to Sean today? How’s he doing? Is he nervous?’
‘Nah, he’s fine,’ she said, gliding past the red rope, ‘he’s going to be absolutely fine.’
We stood in a huddle backstage, patiently waiting for the show to begin. Sandwiched between Amber and Henry I looked down through the sheer white curtain as the collective chatter of voices fell silent. The lights dimmed as I held my breath, chewing on a piece of gum that had long ago lost its flavour. I closed my eyes as a l
oud, heavy bass ripped through the open space.
As the first model took his first stride onto the walkway, I could feel my heart beating in my mouth, seemingly pulsating to the sound of the music. In a spectacular vision of what life looked like through Sean’s eyes, the models filed out one by one. I peeked through the curtain at the front row, a strip of young men, caught up in taking pictures for social media. Amber’s eyes glistened in the orange haze. A sudden surge of pride crossed both of our faces – he’d done it.
As the crowd dispersed, we made our way through the models, photographers and make-up artists to find Sean, buried within carnage of congratulations. After posing for photographs with the models against a lit beige wall he came over to us and took a large gulp of my champagne.
‘Needed that,’ he said, as I watched the beads of sweat drip across his brow.
‘That was incredible,’ Amber said, kissing him on the cheek.
‘Watch your lipstick…’ he said, as she rubbed it off. ‘I thought it went well, overall. Good press turnout too which is great.’
Sean was never one to overindulge in self-adulation. He kept things succinct and professional, at times, even with us.
‘Sorry to interrupt...’ A tall man with a grey beard strode over to us and we three stood aside to let him through. ‘My name is John Warner and I’m the CEO of Grosvenor Menswear.’
‘I know who you are,’ Sean said, quickly. ‘Thanks so much for coming, I didn’t know you’d be here.’
Following the serious look on their faces, myself, Amber and Henry casually stepped away and distracted ourselves by perusing the rack of clothing hanging on the rail next to us; trying to be nonchalant while at the same time straining to listen.
‘I’d like to get you in for a meeting to discuss some options,’ John said. ‘I was really impressed with the collection.’
‘That would be perfect,’ Sean replied. ‘I would love to.’
‘Why don’t you give my office a call on Monday morning?’ he said as he handed Sean a business card. ‘And congratulations again, very strong work indeed.’
‘Wow,’ Sean said. ‘I wasn’t expecting that.’
‘That’s fucking epic,’ Henry said, kissing him. ‘I’m so pleased for you.’
‘Hold your horses,’ he said, shyly. ‘I’m not there yet. And, well, a lot of this is down to you too. You were the one who made sure I ate when I had to work late and you cleaned my flat so that I could sleep in on a weekend.’ He stopped for a moment. ‘I really couldn’t have done this without you.’
Henry lifted Sean’s hand that he was holding and kissed it.
‘That’s all very lovely, but what did he say exactly?’ Amber said, getting to the point.
‘I have to call him on Monday. Let’s just wait and see what happens then, shall we?’
Amber walked me outside to the rose garden where she could catch up on her emails and I could have a ten-minute respite with my shoes off.
‘It’s bloody perishing – I think spring? When did it get so windy?’ She turned her back on the wind to pull her hair from her lip-gloss.
Through the window I could see that Sean and Henry had found a moment alone and were laughing together at the pop-up bar.
‘I’m so glad they found each another,’ I said, smiling.
‘I’d stand back or they’ll see your nose pressed against the window.’
‘Well, what do you think?’ I said.
‘About what?’
‘How it’s all turned out for us.’
‘I don’t know…’ she said, taking a deep breath of the cold air before shuddering.
‘You do know,’ I rebuked, wagging my finger at her. ‘You always have an opinion.’
‘What do you want me to say, Jess? That Sean’s blissfully happy and you’re leaving us to set up home with a pretentious, knicker-dropping arsehole?’
I laughed from the shock. I couldn’t help it. ‘Don’t hold back on my account,’ I said.
‘I’m sorry. A pretentious, former knicker-dropping arsehole.’ She broke into a small grin, which in some way redeemed her.
‘Amber, just admit it, you don’t like him.’
‘I’m going to miss you, that’s all,’ she said, for the first time looking genuinely upset. ‘But in all seriousness, Jess, I wanted to thank you for how you handled me through the… difficult time I had earlier this year. You were a good friend, my only friend really…’
‘Amber, you’re welcome,’ I said with a warm smile. ‘Always welcome.’
‘No one puts up with me like you do,’ she said, with a grin.
‘You’re right. It’s been a tough job. First it was no carbs, then it was sugar-free… then it was only eating food harvested within a mile of here, when we live in Central London!’
‘That was a dietary experiment that went wrong…’
‘And clogging up our U-bend with your homemade yoghurt…’
‘All right – so the roads been a bit… rocky.’
I smiled at her. ‘Wouldn’t have had it any other way though.’
‘Wouldn’t have had it any other way,’ she agreed.
We made our way back inside where Amber went back to being the girl that didn’t care and I followed behind, pretending I wasn’t scared of leaving.
‘It’s been a pretty special night, Seany,’ I said, perching myself on the stool next to him, ‘and as for him…’ I said, pointing across the room to Henry, ‘he’s pretty special too.’
‘You know Grosvenor Fashion is a big deal,’ he said nervously. ‘I’m actually pretty petrified.’
‘I know,’ I said, ‘but don’t go in there feeling the need to prove that to them, just let them see it for themselves.’ I rested my head on his shoulder. ‘You need to go and mingle with all these people and I need to go home and pack.’
‘I know,’ he said, briefly stopping for a moment. ‘There’s an after-party in Knightsbridge if you fancy it, later?’ ‘One more party for the road, eh?’
I laughed at the familiar look in his eye, the twitch that said he needed a wingman. It was going end up in a landslide from the heights of success to the depths of debauchery – one messy, beautiful landslide.
‘I’ll go for you,’ George shouted to Marlowe from the shower. To our surprise, she had convinced him to join us at the after-party. Standing in their bedroom, in her tights and underwear, she studied her reflection in the full-length mirror. After losing herself for nine months in a depreciating whirlwind, she scooped her hair up into a high ponytail and brushed out the edges of her eyebrows. As she pulled on a red dress that she’d found in the back of the wardrobe, she closed her eyes to the soundtrack of George moaning from inside their en suite shower.
‘I mean, I don’t mind coming, I really don’t,’ he said, mid-shampoo, ‘but all they talk about are themselves… and then men… and then themselves again: it’s all so… unimportant. It’s just not really my scene, I suppose.’
Marlowe didn’t reply; instead she wiped her hand against the condensation of the mirror thinking about how her ‘unimportant friends’ were the only thing that had held her together this past year. She walked back into the bedroom and carefully placed her jacket on the bed next to the contents of her handbag.
‘Don’t you agree?’ George continued. ‘I honestly don’t know how you can enjoy standing in yet another pretentious club buying overpriced drinks while having the eyes of the room on you. Everyone just stares at each other. Quite frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable.’
Marlowe got up and walked around to her side of the bed. ‘You don’t have to come with us, darling, if you don’t want to.’
She smiled at him as he came into the bedroom, a smile that took all her energy to muster.
‘No, I’ll come,’ he said.
They sat side by side in the back of the taxi as Marlowe watched the lights of the city whizz by. She thought about George, the man sitting next to her, his affairs and her supposed blindness to it.
&nbs
p; ‘George,’ she said, boldly and without apology, ‘I want a divorce.’
He gave her a look of desperation. ‘Sorry, what did you just say?’
‘I’m leaving you. I actually made up my mind several weeks ago so I don’t know why I’ve only just got round to telling you. I know about Samantha,’ Marlowe said, calmly, ‘and how you two have been seeing each other and I’ve just reached the point of no return really. I’m not even angry, honestly. I genuinely think it’s for the best.’
The car jerked to a halt as it pulled up outside the bar. Without looking for his reaction and completely independent in her own train of thought, she got out of the car and slowly walked inside.
I stepped through the crowded bodies on my way back from the toilets and could see that Marlowe was yet to arrive.
‘How long shall we wait?’ Amber whispered from behind me.
I checked my watch. It was 10 p.m.
‘A bit longer, hopefully she’ll be here in a minute.’
Sean was talking to Henry on the dance floor and as Amber had cozied back up to Mitch on the sofas, I walked over to Charlie who was waiting for his drink at the bar.
‘What are you ordering?’ I said, my lips nestled into the back of his neck.
‘I thought I’d get a bottle to toast Sean and his engagement,’ he said, reaching around my waist.
‘I love you, you know that,’ I said, as I slowly made my way down his neck. ‘And thank you for loving my friends.’
He turned around and kissed me softy on the mouth.
‘Pipe down, guys,’ Sean said, interrupting us. ‘No heavy petting around here.’
‘Well, Sean, Henry, congratulations!’ Charlie said as he passed back two bottles of champagne and a handful of glasses.
‘With this toast, we would officially like to welcome Henry to the family,’ Amber said, holding up her glass.
At that point Marlowe ran over with George in tow following directly behind. ‘Sorry! Sorry we’re late,’ she cried. ‘Did we miss the speech?’
‘No, ’course not,’ I said, handing her a glass of champagne.
‘You didn’t say she was bringing him…’ Amber said to me under her breath.
Love, and Other Things to Live For Page 26