Creed's Expectations

by J. D. Hollyfield

  By the way his shoulders are tensing up, I can tell he’s getting annoyed with me. He also thinks it’s because it has to do with his brother. He shuts his laptop and gets up from the bed to grab a shirt from his dresser. “Kasey, why do you care? It’s an investment my brother wants. I owed him a favor, which was locking down the Wheatland property. End of story.”

  He just admitted that he hasn’t even looked at the stats, which is a good thing. Maybe if I explain to him about the community center, he would have a different view on buying it and allowing his brother to tear it down and build condos. “Okay, so I get it, but hear me out. The warehouse right now is owned by the state. It funds, well barely funds, a school program for underprivileged kids. The city is willing to part with it because they’re sick of losing money on it, and I understand, but if it’s sold, then the community loses the center.” I pause while I grab my phone to pull up the center’s website. “Look, read some of these blogs. Families who solely depend on the center for childcare. Assistance. Some even go to help feed their kids.” The list goes on and on, what this center does for the community. “It would be a terrible thing for these people to lose it.” I watch as Creed scrolls through the site. I watch him, waiting to see any sign of agreeance. But after another few seconds of scrolling, he hands me back my phone.

  “It’s not really my deal. And even if I stopped the sale, where does that leave the center? They’re still lacking funds and the city will just find another buyer who will do exactly what Steven is about to.” I take my phone as he offers me his back, throwing a clean shirt over his head.

  “Again, I get it, I do, but maybe you can talk to Steven. Maybe if he knew what was at stake for them, he—”

  “I’m not talking to my brother. You need to drop this.”

  “But why not? If you just look at the contract, I bet you can convince the—”

  “Kasey, I said drop it!” he snaps, causing me to quickly pull back. “What is it with you and him? It seems like every opportunity you can, you’re bringing him up. I’m getting fucking tired of it. Now, unless you want to admit something, are we done talking about my brother?”

  God, he is being so stubborn and childish. This has nothing to do with his brother in that sense. It has to do with saving an important kids program. I want to try and have him understand, but now he’s begun to work me up into a fit of anger. And I refuse to back down.

  “No, actually I’m not done. And since we are on the topic of your brother, I think we need to tell him about us.” Creed’s body goes rigid. His hands land on his dresser, the whiteness in his knuckles apparent. I’ve struck another nerve, but I’m not backing down, so I go on. “I don’t care anymore what he will say, but he needs to know.” I pause, but when I open my mouth to go on, he raises his hand to silence me.

  “We’re not telling him.” His words are barely above a whisper, I almost miss them.

  “Well, I think we should. And if you don’t, then I—”

  Creed takes his fists and slams them onto the wooden surface, startling me into almost falling backward. Turning to me, his eyes are solid black. “We are NOT telling him. Do you hear me. Drop it. Unless you are fucking me to get to him, then I am sick of hearing his name. Got me? Or are you?” He takes a menacing step toward me. “You still wanna fuck my brother, Kase? Is that it? Now that you know just how you like it, you wanna use your expertise on him? Suck his fucking—”

  “Creed, I wasn’t—”

  “ENOUGH!”

  My mouth parts slightly, shocked at his outburst.

  “Am I right, then? Cat got your tongue? What IS IT!?”

  I can’t believe he’s talking to me this way. He wants me to move in, but he can’t even have a simple conversation with me without losing his temper. I want to be brave and battle him on this because he’s wrong. Steven isn’t, and hasn’t been, on my radar since the moment Creed walked into my life. But if he was truly paying attention, he would know that. Suddenly I’m not feeling so tough anymore. My lower lip begins to quiver, and I know if I don’t walk away, I’ll allow him to see a side of me I refuse to show him.

  “What it is, is that you are a total asshole.” And I turn and leave.

  He doesn’t try and stop me as I grab for my clothes, or come after me when I exit his condo. It isn’t until I’m outside in the chilled night that I allow my first tear to fall. How could I be so foolish to think that Creed was different. That he cared about me. The way he spoke to me up there, that’s not who I thought I was getting involved with. Creed might be something I want physically, but emotionally, he’s checked out. Or should I say, never checked in. Todd was right. He is, and probably will always be, unattached.

  Jab, jab, jab.

  I take another swing at the punching bag, knowing my knuckles are screaming to stop. But I can’t. I can’t stop until the anger subsides. Every time she mentions my brother, I feel murderous. How can she even speak of him after what he did to her? Every time his name falls from her lips, I can’t stop the image of him with her. Touching her, taking advantage of her. Getting to taste the beauty that is all mine.

  Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab.

  I punch the bag five more times until my fists give in. I toss my gloves off; no shocker the tape is already soaked in blood. I unwrap my hands and walk into the bathroom, running them under the cold water.

  Why did she have to push? Why does she have to mention him? He never deserved her. He should have never married her. I dip my head low, fighting the image of her wounded eyes when I yelled at her. I’m a fucking asshole. She just wanted to tell me something and I had to flip out because I can’t handle her speaking his name. The jealousy, the anger, it all comes floating to the top of my brain when she says his name. It makes me want to bend her over my knee and spank her until her ass is raw and she’s begging. Promising me she will never bring him up again.

  It still doesn’t numb the guilt of why she can’t tell him. Why he can’t know. Why, if he finds out, the truth will come out. It won’t be as Kasey sees it. Us running into each other by luck. Steven will see right through that. He will know what I’ve done. And she will hate me.

  I’m sick to my stomach at the thought, the fear of her not forgiving me. But maybe this is all karma coming back to bite me in my ass. All the times I brushed off women, fought against getting myself attached again after what Steven had done, and then she comes along. Another sign of weakness that, when I finally wave my flag and fall for a woman, she ends up taking me down in the end.

  And that’s what she would do. Because I’ve done exactly what I didn’t want to do. I fell for her. Hard. Was it lust? No doubt. Was it love? I wasn’t sure. I was fighting against it, but the thought of not having her in my life, causes a sharp jab in my chest.

  I shake my head furiously. This is not happening again. I won’t let Kasey walk away from me. She’s pissed. And I know it’s going to take a lot for her to forgive me. But she has to because I’m not giving up that easily. I bandage my hand and make my way over to my laptop. I type in Wheatland Community Center and begin doing my own research on exactly what my brother is up to.

  I CALL OUT OF WORK.

  Like a chicken.

  I even called early enough that I could leave a message on Virginia’s voicemail instead of having to talk to her in person. But there was no way I could face Creed. And feeling so vulnerable right now, there was no way I could handle the backlash of Todd. So I feigned sick.

  It wasn’t the worst idea since I could use the time off cleaning up my apartment. Sorting through boxes yet to be unpacked. Being with Creed so much, I’ve barely spent any time here. Plus, I needed to keep myself busy so my mind wouldn’t take over doing all the heavy lifting. I wanted to put last night, and the many nights before that, behind me.

  The more and more I replayed Creed’s hurtful words, the more I realized that he couldn’t have the same feelings for me as I do him. I just couldn’t fathom someone being so hurtful if they were in love. And dam
mit, I’m admitting it. I wanted to pretend I was playing it cool with my feelings, but there’s no way the things Creed said to me last night would hurt as bad as they did if I wasn’t in love.

  I thought he was changing. He was the one who pushed the idea of dating and being exclusive. He actually demanded it. He seemed happier, less uptight and moody. Except for having one trigger button: his brother. Something was not right there, and it kills me with curiosity to know what happened between those two. But then again, it’s too late for that. I won’t allow someone to treat me the way Creed did and be okay with it. It’s just a bad reminder of how I allowed Steven to walk all over me for the years we were together. And I refuse to be that person ever again.

  I spend my morning staring at the TV, eating bowl after bowl of cereal. I miss home. I miss Amy. I miss our late night chats and our laughter. I miss her craziness and my long-fulfilled days of just me and my fluffy comforter. I didn’t realize just how homesick I was until I actually had time to be alone and think about it. Creed has just taken so much time out of my life that I never really stopped to think about home. I guess it was because I was actually starting to feel like this was home.

  I flip the channel to another talk show, shoving a huge bite of Lucky Charms in my mouth. I’m chewing, savoring the crunchy marshmallows, when the banging starts at my door. At the sudden intrusion, I choke on a marshmallow, jolting and spilling half my bowl in my lap.

  “Shit,” I choke, trying to give myself the Heimlich. The banging starts again, and I look towards the clock. Who in the hell is banging on my door like a madman? And what good is a doorman when they don’t stop people at the door?

  I get up, wiping the cereal off my lap. My yoga pants are soaked, and I may have chewed up cereal on my chin. I make it to my door and take a look through my peephole.

  Then suddenly pull back.

  Shit.

  How did he even get up here?

  Creed is standing on the other side of my doorway, suited up in a pair of casual jeans and a fitted shirt, that intense look on his face. Shit, do I let him in? Pretend I’m not home?

  “I know you’re there, Kasey. I can hear you arguing with yourself.”

  Or not. Shit!

  I look down at myself. I’m a complete mess. Debating on running to my room to change, Creed’s voice halts me.

  “Please. Please let me in.” So sincere, yet so sad. My heart aches to hear him sound that way. A man always in control. I unlock my bolt and open the door. Creed lifts his eyes straight to mine and I melt. No matter how hurt I am, those eyes still capture my heart.

  “What do you want?” I try and act tough, sticking my chin out. But he walks into my apartment and with each step, my body begins to feel that ache whenever he is close. I take a step back, but as he’s taking a step forward, I continue. “I asked you a question. And how did you get past my doorman?” Another step back.

  He clearly has no boundaries for personal space, because he doesn’t stop until my back is against the wall. He is so close, I can feel his breath hit my face.

  “I’m the co-signer on your lease,” he says, and my mouth drops.

  “You’re what!?”

  “When I got you the job, I set up your housing. I wanted to make sure you were in a safe place and in case you needed anything, I was there to help you.”

  I’m… I’m… “That’s breaking rules, Creed! You can’t just run me!”

  “You’re right. And I’m sorry. I did it to make sure you were well taken care of here. That’s all. I also brought you this.” He takes the heat off his intrusion of my living space when he hands me a thick file.

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s the Wheatland File.”

  My eyes widen. I open the file and look at article after article about the Community Center. Financial statements, court documents from when the center tried to fight the sale, the list goes on and on until I pull my eyes away, placing them back on Creed. “I… I don’t get it.”

  “I took what you said and did my own research. I pulled the file. You were right. This shouldn’t be a flip. It has so much positive force within the community.”

  My eyes light up with hope. Appreciation. “Really?”

  “I put a hold on the sale. It’s what I can do for now. I meant it when I said that if I release my bid, someone else will just come and scoop it up. I’m willing to hold it until we can do more research on just how badly in debt the center is. And what we can do for them.”

  I barely wait until Creed is done speaking when I jump into his arms. I drop the file just as he catches me, wrapping my legs around his waist. “Thank you,” I whisper as I squeeze his neck. I can’t believe he researched it. I feel his arms embrace me, his nose nuzzling into my neckline. A few more seconds pass when I remember the other reason for our initial fight. I release my hold on him and he allows my feet to fall to the ground. I take a step back.

  “Well, thank you. It means a lot to me that you actually looked into it. I’m sure it means a lot more to the cent—”

  “I don’t care about them. I care about you.”

  God, and I care for him. But I’m just not sure we’re a good idea together, not anymore.

  “Creed, I—”

  “Wait. Before you give up on me, please let me explain.” He takes a step away from me, allowing me my space. “I was wrong for what I said to you last night. Everything. But I need to explain why.” He quickly runs his hands through his hair, then places them into his jeans pockets. His mouth opens to begin, then shuts. He does that twice before turning from me and pacing my living room. “I fucked up.” He turns back to me, then turns away. “I should never have spoken to you like that.”

  “No, you shouldn’t have,” I throw in there. He whips around, his eyes on fire.

  “But I won’t deny that you make me fucking crazy.” He comes at me, backing me against the wall. “Everything about you drives me mad. The way you laugh, the way you chew on your bottom lip when you’re deep in thought. The way you sigh in your sleep, and I know it’s because you’re content in my fucking arms.” His arms lift, each hand pressing flat against the wall, barricading me in. “And I can’t control the anger that threatens to break me every time my brother’s name is mentioned.” He drops his head, resting his forehead against mine. “Every day, I think about the things he did to you and it makes me murderous. Having you, seeing what a goddamn prize you are… I want to tear his throat out for how he treated you. And I can’t stand that you even give him the time of day, to mention his name.”

  Why is he so wrapped up in my past? This isn’t his battle. It’s mine. And it’s also a battle I walked away from. Yeah, I had some wounds, but those were healing. And the moment Creed came into my life, those wounds disappeared. “Creed, I don’t mention him because I have feelings for him. Steven is my past. Yes, he hurt me, but if I keep dwelling on it, then he would still be winning. He tricked me, yes. He lied to me, yes. He took advantage of me, yes! But he didn’t win me. Have you not been paying attention the last month?” I plea, looking into his eyes, needing him to know who really has me.

  “You’re all I’ve been paying attention to. I can’t fucking manage without knowing you’re mine.”

  A small smile creeps onto my face. I lift my hand to caress his cheek. “Well, then you should know where my heart lies. It’s with you. It’s been with you. I just think you’re too stubborn to let yourself feel loved.”

  His hands grab for my face and he presses his lips to mine. He doesn’t take the kiss any further. Only wanting to allow our lips to touch. Pulling away, he speaks. “I’m too stubborn to acknowledge I deserve someone like you.”

  I hate that he feels unworthy of me. If only he knew that I felt he was the most amazing man I’ve ever met, that no one has ever made me feel so wanted and cared for. “Well then, that makes two of us. Two people fighting to feel worthy of the other.” I gently smile, watching his face ease of some worry. “Don’t degrade yourself of the man
you are. You are worthy in every aspect. And I ask that you cherish what you have as well. I’ve given you my heart, please don’t take advantage of that. Know that it’s only you I want. Only you I choose.”

  His lips are back on mine, kissing me intensely. His palm is on my butt cheek, lifting me up, while my legs circle him. “Tell me you forgive me.” He bites my bottom lip, working his way down my chin, down my neckline, sucking on the bare skin of my neck. “Tell me that you’re mine. All fucking mine.”

  I moan just as his teeth graze my skin, sucking hard on my flesh. My hands glide up his neck and lock into his hair. I love the way it feels wrapped around my fingers. “I forgive you,” I whisper, just as he bites down, causing me to whimper. But it’s not one of pain. It’s one of need.

  Creed pulls me off the wall and carries me to my bedroom. He climbs onto the bed, laying my back against the mattress, his body hovering over mine. He doesn’t attack me as he normally would. He lifts his head and stares so deep into my eyes.

  “Creed,” I whisper, needing to know what he’s thinking right now. It takes him a few more seconds before he pulls himself back. He bends down, kissing me, this time gently. His mouth doesn’t fight to part mine, but enjoys the feel of my lips.

  This side of Creed is new. Softer. His patience is telling. He’s trying to tell me something. Show me in a way he knows how. He pulls back and gazes at me again. His hands softly run through my hair, brushing away any strays blocking my face. His eyes roam my mouth, my neck… every piece of me, as if he’s memorizing me. “Creed, I forgive you. You don’t have to be gentle with me.” I tell him because I know the look in his eyes; he’s afraid of me running. Denying him. I want to tell him that’s impossible. I’m in too deep to let go. But his worried eyes start to unsettle me. “What’s wrong?”

  His head dips, his eyes closed, forehead pressing against mine. “You scare me.”