Without a good way to respond, I simply nod and head into the house. The house is quiet. Mom isn’t home yet and Dad is sleeping. Not wanting to wake him, I sneak up the stairs and immediately flop down onto the bed. My head is pounding and I need someone to talk to. Picking up my phone, I dial Alyssa.
“Hey,” she answers on the first ring. “What took so long to get home?”
It actually has the opposite effect, leaving me thinking about everything that Travis said earlier and all of the implications of it. Seona is at the front of my brain and I have no idea what that means. What the hell is wrong with my life?
“Sorry. My car died, so Travis and I had to wait for Mark to pick us up. Then there was some trouble with Seona’s dad, Paul while we were there.”
“Oh my god, what happened?”
“I’m not sure. Looks like she got a good couple hits in, but he had her pinned to the ground when we arrived.”
“He didn’t hit you, did he?” She sounds upset. It’s nice to know that someone cares.
“Not a bad one. There’s a small cut above my eye.”
“Shit. Do you want me to come over?”
The concern in her voice is overwhelming, especially since in the back of my mind, I’m wishing it was Seona saying these things to me. At this point, I think it will be a bad idea if she comes over. Someway, somehow she’ll be able to read exactly what I’m feeling. So I do something I’ve never done to Alyssa in all of the years I’ve known her. I lie.
“Nah. I think I’m coming down with whatever my dad has and I don’t want to get you sick.”
It’s silent for a moment and I wonder if she sees through my lie. Is there something in my voice giving me away? Holding my breath, I wait for her to answer. I don’t want to say anything else, if she hasn’t figured it out already.
“Okay. If you need anything, let me know and I’ll grab your work from school.”
Her easy acceptance makes my head pound and my stomach churn. It’s official, I’m an asshole. Alyssa is the one person that stood by me no matter what, and here I am lying to her because of more shit with Seona. A girl who has put me on the roller coaster from hell, yet lately I find myself wondering if I should go back for more. Whatever is going on with me, I need to get my shit straight. A day home, away from everything and everyone, might be just what I need.
“Thanks. I’m gonna go lay down. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Night, Jayceon.”
After I hang up with Alyssa, I pull out my guitar. The case is a bit dusty and I’m sure it’s out of tune; I haven’t touched it since that night in the hotel. Playing it reminded me of the night everything fell apart. Then again, I feel like I’ve come full circle and everything is falling apart again. Travis’ words are slamming around in my head and I start to wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed and listened the night she came to talk to me. What if I listened to Seona when she came to the door, would things be different?
My fingers run over the strings, getting the feel of the instrument. Thoughts of Seona run through my head. When did life get so difficult? Travis is right, I’ve never been able to keep Seona out of my thoughts for long. No matter what she’s put me through, and as hard as I’ve tried to bury it, my feelings for her haven’t diminished. I’ve been able to hide them, but that doesn’t mean that they are gone.
The question now, is what the hell am I supposed to do about all of it? Prom is in a little more than a week and no matter my feelings for Seona, I just can’t do that to Alyssa.
Without realizing it, my fingers continue to work their magic, forming a beautiful song that reminds me of Seona. It’s like nothing I’ve ever written or played, but the words run through my head.
The night passes and I continue to play the song over and over again while I think. Eventually, Mom gets home and stops by my room to check on me and see if I’ve eaten. I’m not hungry; there’s too much on my mind. However, I do notice her surprise at the guitar in my hands. She doesn’t say anything as she closes the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again.
Sleep evades me that night. How do I explain all of this to Alyssa? Should I explain all of this to her? Seona almost broke me the last time. Am I ready for that again? The day passes in a blur, with me in my room still trying to process everything. Mom and Dad don’t question why I want to stay home from school. The peace of the day hasn’t given me any of the answers I need and before I know it, it’s almost midnight. Not once does my phone go off. No texts from Alyssa, which seems odd. She’s always been the one that could read me better than anyone else.
Even though I’m exhausted, I still struggle to sleep without seeing both of them in my dreams. The alarm goes off before I’m ready and I force myself out of bed and into school.
Alyssa’s greeting is more reserved than usual. Besides the turmoil in my head, it’s one of the only things that is different about the day. We have lunch together and I find my attention straying to Seona across the room. It’s the same thing I’ve been doing for weeks, I think I’m just now paying attention to it. Whether or not Alyssa notices it, I’m not sure. If she does, she ignores it. Not that it makes me feel better about any of this.
Over the next few days, things fall into the same pattern. School, workouts, and nights with my guitar in my hand. Travis doesn’t mention our conversation again, and I’m grateful. Once was enough to make my head spin.
At night, I play my song for Seona over and over again, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do. One day flows into the next and before I realize what’s happened, it’s the day of the prom and I still haven’t figured anything out.
The day passes in a blur. Who knew there was so much to do to get ready for the prom? I thought the girls would need the whole day to get ready, yet by the time I pick up my tux and the flowers, plus stop for haircut, it’s time to get dressed so I can be to Alyssa’s on time. Mom’s determined to take a billion photos before I walk out the door and I’m grateful that my parents care so much. Seona didn’t have what I have. For that I feel sorry for her; she’s never seen what real love looks like.
“Mom,” I complain, when she repositions me in front of the fireplace for another shot.
“Don’t ‘Mom’ me. This is a once in a lifetime event. Trust me when I tell you, you’ll be glad I took these pictures.” She smirks at me.
With great effort, I resist rolling my eyes at her. “Okay. One more and then I have to leave to get Alyssa, otherwise I’m going to be late.”
“Fine, but we’re following you over there.”
I look to my dad for help, but he stands there laughing and shaking his head. It tells me all I need to know; Mom’s not going to stop and it’s just better to go along with her, before we get run over in the aftermath.
Finally, my mom lets me leave the house, in her car too. In her opinion, a truck is not the way to arrive at the prom. Pulling up out front in her Mercedes, it’s fun to watch her try and maneuver my truck into the driveway.
“How do you drive that every day?” she asks, jumping out of the car. My dad’s right behind her, laughing.
“Hey, at least my ass doesn’t feel like it’s running across the cement.”
“Language.”
Laughing, I walk up to the porch to get Alyssa. Before I have a chance to knock, the door opens and she steps out looking absolutely stunning. Her hair is pulled up, with loose curls hanging around her face and the pale yellow dress flows around her perfectly.
“Hey,” I say with a smile. “You look beautiful.”
Her cheeks turn a light shade of pink with the compliment. “Thanks.”
Offering her my arm, I ask, “Ready?”
She smiles and I know that tonight will be fun. I don’t have to worry about anything when I’m with Alyssa. Breathing becomes easier with that one thought.
“I am.”
“Not without pictures,” my mom pipes up behind me.
Laughing, I hand the bouquet of flowers
I brought to Alyssa with a smile. “Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady. Just a warning, Mom’s being her own version of the paparazzi.”
“I heard that Jayceon.”
“Probably better if we go along with it.” She winks.
“I think you’re right.”
For the next twenty minutes, we stand and let my mom take a million pictures, then Alyssa’s mom comes out of the house to join the insanity. My jaw is sore from smiling. Thankfully, they give up and let us get into the car and leave. The ride over is made in comfortable silence; not exactly what I was expecting, but it just goes to prove how strong our friendship truly is.
While I haven’t been very excited about the prom, the minute we pull up in front of the hotel, it’s a whirlwind of activity. At least until I see Seona and Brendan walk up the red carpet. There are no words to describe how beautiful she looks in the pink ball gown. The sight of her stops me dead in my tracks, unable to mutter a word.
“She looks beautiful,” Alyssa whispers, when she notices where my gaze has landed.
“She does.”
“Ready?” she asks, holding out her hand.
Seona’s eyes connect with mine for a moment and just as quickly, she looks away. Memories of how she used to look at me flood my memory. With a quick glance back, I take Alyssa’s hand and nod. “Let’s go.”
Even though she avoids looking at me throughout the night, I find my gaze constantly straying to Seona. During dinner, while we’re dancing I can’t keep my eyes off of her. She looks happy, for the most part. There’s something in the way she carries herself that tells me that she’s not as happy as she pretends to be.
“Jayceon,” Alyssa says softly. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?”
Her eyes fill with tears and I’m worried about what could have her so upset.
“I...I…”
Wrapping her in my arms, I pull her against my chest. With her so upset, I can’t worry about Seona right now. Obviously, something is going on and I need to find out what. “Alyssa, what is it?”
“I’ve done a lot of terrible things over the last few weeks and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“What could you have possibly done that was so terrible? You’ve been there for me every time I needed someone to talk to.”
The tears start falling in earnest from her eyes “I just thought…” she sniffles. I lift my hand to wipe the moisture from her face. “I just thought, you would eventually look at me the way you look at her.”
Huh? “Alyssa, what are you talking about?”
“I’m the one that told everyone you and Seona had broken up and I kissed you in the hallway because she was watching.”
“You did what?” My heart starts to pound. Alyssa, the person I thought was looking out for me, actually manipulated the situation to get what she wanted, which was me.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” the principal says into the microphone on the stage, pulling me out of my thoughts. “We’d like to take a moment to announce the prom king and queen.”
A few years ago, after an incident at the prom, the school no longer gets to vote on the king and queen. Instead, the teachers pick as we walk in at the beginning of the night.
“Why?” It’s the only word that I can get past my lips. The principal is talking but I can’t focus on one word that she says. All this time, I thought the worst of Seona. Dropping my hands, I take a quick step back from Alyssa, unable to look at her any longer.
“I’m so sorry. So very sorry. I wanted you to love me the way you love her, but you never will.” She grabs the sleeve of my tux. “You need to go find her and apologize. Blame me, whatever you need to do, but the two of you belong together.”
I’m so focused on what Alyssa is saying that I don’t immediately recognize that my name’s been called. All the while, I’m scanning the crowd for Seona. I need to talk to her.
The kids around me start pushing me towards the stairs of the stage. Slowly, I make my way forward, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. In a fog, I climb them, thinking of all of the things I want to say to her. Maybe I can see better from above. Not in a million years, did I expect to be up on this stage. The principal places the cheesy crown on my head, offering her congratulations and turns to announce the prom queen. It’s at that moment that I realize what I want. And I pray her name is called.
“And our prom queen is…Claire Morgan.”
A screech and a glance into the audience and I see Claire jumping up and down where she’s standing. It’s disappointing that Seona’s name isn’t called, but I know that prom king and queen get to say thank you to everyone. I’m going to use my time for so much more.
Looking closely at the rest of the students, I find Brendan, but Seona’s gone. The need to know where she is, is overwhelming. Catching Brendan’s eye, I mouth ‘where is she?’
He shrugs and mouths back, ‘she left.’
For the first time in months, I know exactly what I want to tell her and she’s not here to hear it. Life could be so unfair sometimes. By that time, Claire has made it onto the stage, smiling while the principal crowns her.
“Jayceon,” she squeals, whipping out her phone to take a selfie of the two of us.
When she lowers her phone, I ask the most important question at the moment. “Where did she go?”
Her smile falters, but she doesn’t let her gaze stray from the crowd. “Home. She said she didn’t have it in her anymore to watch you with Alyssa.”
“Shit.”
That gets her attention. “What?”
“Alyssa and I aren’t together and she lied about a ton of stuff to keep Seona and me apart.”
“Shit is right.”
“Jayceon, Claire, are you ready?” the principal asks, ignoring the fact that we are cursing.
“Do you mind if I go first?” I ask.
She gestures to the mic. “Go ahead.” Whatever her reasoning for letting me go first, I’m going to take full advantage, even if she’s not here to see it.
“Hey, everyone.” The sweat at my brow begins to run down my face. Public speaking isn’t my thing, but this is something that I have to say. “I know I’m supposed to use this time to say thanks for this honor, but there is something else I need to say. Sometimes in life people hurt us. They may not mean to and it may be hard to look past the things they’ve done. The thing is, if you really care about them, and as long as they regret their actions, you need to forgive them. We can’t go through life with regrets. We’re young and that’s a long time to worry about what might have happened. So, while this has been an awesome night,” I look to Alyssa to see her reaction, and it only boosts my confidence when I see her nodding enthusiastically and gesturing towards the door, “I need to go and make sure that I haven’t ruined anything. That it’s not too late.”
There’s no time like the present, and before anyone has a chance to say anything or stop me, I’m out the door, running for my car. I know exactly what I’m going to do. The only thing I have to do is hope that she listens.
The drive to my house is quick, probably because I break some speeding laws on the way there. Running into the house, I head right for the stairs and my room. I don’t want to waste anytime answering questions about why I’m home so early. When it comes to Seona, I’ve wasted enough time. Grabbing my guitar, I head back down the stairs, deciding to take my mom’s car to Seona’s house, because it’s faster. I open the front door and stop dead in my tracks, my heart pounding a million miles an hour in my chest.
Seona’s standing on my front porch.
Chapter 32
Seona
Brendan: I can’t wait to see you soon
Me: Thank you for being my bff and helping me forget about all of this. I’m not sure how I would have gotten through it without you
Brendan: Always here for you =)
Setting down my phone, I sit down on the ledge by my bedroom window, looking outside,
wondering what Jayceon's doing. He's been on my mind lately, ever since the incident with Paul. He never texted me back and after leaving him a voicemail on his cell phone, he didn't call me back or acknowledge it. I know his guard's up and he's being careful around me. I've swallowed my pride so many times. All the times I've put myself on the line to get his attention and I get nothing back. If I could turn back time, I would go back to when I lied to him. There are so many things I would have done differently.
I haven't slept in so long. Every time I close my eyes, I see his smile and I remember his laugh and how we'd spend time together, just us, and we were happy. I don't know why I still love him and care about him. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for him. I want him to know that I still love him and I want him back. It sucks because I know he's with Alyssa and they're so fucking in love. What about our love? How could he have moved on so fast?
I pick up my phone again and pull up his contact information.
Me: It would mean a lot to me if you could let me know that you got my text messages and voicemail. I know we haven't really talked in a while, but you don't have to be rude. I know that you're with Alyssa and I get it, but I wanted us to try and be friends. I appreciate what you did for me and how you were there when Paul hurt me. I don't know why you can't talk to me. Jayceon, please talk to me.
My finger hovers over the send key, but instead of pressing send I close out of the text and toss my phone on my bed. Resting my head against the wall I close my eyes and for one second shut down from the world and go to the place in my head where Jayceon is mine and we're together.
"I love you, Seona Fisher."
"I love you too, Jayceon Ashworth and I will always love you. Can you feel that?"
He smiles. "Feel what baby?"
"Feel my love for you."
He kisses my forehead. "No matter where I am I'll always feel your love."
Claire comes barreling through my bedroom door with a smile on her face. “Are you ready?” I look at my bed with my dress and other accessories I’m going to need for tonight.
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