by T. M. Smith
~ Chapter 5 | Words have meaning ~
Andrew couldn’t reconcile his thoughts after watching Ricardo with Matthew. He felt, jealous almost, but that did not make any sense. He loved Victor with every fiber of his being, so there was no way he was developing feelings for the much younger man they had taken into their home. Still, he caught himself a couple of times after that, watching Matthew prance around the house with his iPod, ear buds in, he was oblivious and absolutely fucking adorable. He would dance around the kitchen singing songs from the eighties and nineties, not a care in the world. If Andrew had to state a reason why this was when he was most attracted to Matthew it would be the absolute carefree nature the young man exhibited during these moments.
Whatever happened in Matthew’s past was seemingly forgotten during these moments. Matthew would dance and sing along with whatever tune shuffled through his iPod at the time. There was always a genuine smile on his face, the dull, lifeless brown eyes would sparkle and shine. A few times Matthew caught Andrew watching him and the most adorable blush would slowly enflame his cheeks. That with the brown eyes and long blonde hair cascading over those flushed cheeks would stir something inside Andrew that previously only ignited under Victor’s gaze.
After he and Victor made love the way they used to that night, after the confusing shoot at the studio, Andrew buried his stray thoughts in the back of his mind and concentrated on work. For a few weeks everything went back to normal. They spent time at the house as a family and Matthew occasionally went to the batting cages with Jordan while Victor fucked Andrew into the countertop in the kitchen. Something he actually missed doing now that they had a permanent house guest.
Sex between Victor and Andrew had never been awkward, but one night Matthew came home earlier than expected and walked in on them. Victor had Andrew butt ass naked, spread out on the kitchen island, devouring his cock like a starving man when they heard an audible gasp from across the room.
Victor jumped back before moving to stand in front of Andrew’s naked body, shielding him. Matthew stared at them for a long while before ducking his head and sprinting upstairs to his room. Matthew slammed his bedroom door, sinking to the floor and burying his face in his hands. He actually thought, after the way he caught Andrew watching him a few days prior while he was cleaning the kitchen, dancing around like an idiot, that there was something there; a spark of attraction clouding Andrew’s beautiful blue eyes. Thank God he hadn’t acted on his first impulse, which was to walk over to Andrew and kiss him. How pathetic and stupid could he be to think a man as gorgeous as Andrew would ever want someone as broken as he was?
Andrew had planned on talking to Matthew about it the next morning, but then Matthew came down for breakfast, acting like everything was hunky dory, so Andrew dropped it. And then the request came across his desk from Jordan. Matthew wanted his first full on scene. Andrew ran his eyes down the form until he came to the section where models could request other models with whom to shoot their scenes. Please don’t let it be Ricardo. Andrew thought to himself, sagging down into his chair in relief when he saw Jordan’s name written down.
The day of the shoot, Matthew was his normal nervous self where shooting anything for the site was concerned. He was glad Victor had made the decision to shoot the scene at the house so he would be at the place he felt most at ease, the place he now thought of as his home. Jordan had come out to the house early and the four of them ate breakfast while Andrew went over what he wanted from them during the shoot.
“I really want to concentrate on Matthew’s raw beauty and innocence for this scene. I thought we’d start with the two of you lying in bed, two lovers waking up in the morning. There is a slight breeze off the Sound today, so that should set the mood with the bay doors open, the wind gently floating into the room.” Andrew paused briefly to take a drink of his coffee. He stood and went to refill his mug, staring out the kitchen window, refusing to look at Matthew while he finished telling him and Jordan what he wanted them to do for the scene.
When Jordan finished his breakfast he cleared his dishes and sat them in the sink, heading upstairs to get ready. Matthew followed him but when he walked past Victor, who stood hovering in the doorway, he grabbed Matthew by the arm, holding him in front of him.
“Matthew, you sure you want to do this?” The words fell from Victor’s lips more as a plea than a question. Matthew had to tilt his head back to look up into the taller man’s black eyes. As he stood there with Victor’s hand on his arm warming him to the core, eyeing his plump lips, the first thought that sprinted across Matthew’s mind was, Yeah, with you! but he shook it off and smiled up at him instead, nodding before twisting out of Victors grasp and jogging upstairs.
Matthew did his best to clear his mind and concentrate only on the task at hand. He was a bundle of nervous energy in spite of his attempts at remaining calm. “It’s just a scene Matthew, nothing more. It won’t change anything. We will still be friends after, okay?” Jordan had mistaken Matthew’s jitters for concern, which was better than the truth behind the shakes. Matthew just smiled and nodded, trying to convince Jordan as much as himself that he understood.
At first Matthew did not understand why none of the usual people were there to help Andrew with the filming. But then he thought about how protective both Andrew and Victor were when it came to him, and shrugged it off. With Andrew’s direction and Victor as the second camera operator, the shoot started rolling with Matthew and Jordan already naked and in the bed, seemingly waking up with the dawn.
They started off slow, kissing and making out, gradually moving on to groping each other. In some ways it was strange for Matthew to be shooting a scene with his best friend. But the other side of the coin was how absolutely safe he felt with Jordan. He knew Jordan would never hurt him and regardless of the fact they were friends and Jordan was a straight, gay for pay only model, Matthew found himself hard and needy as Jordan gently fondled and caressed him.
They played and posed for the cameras, smiling and laughing in between kisses that grew more intense as time slowly moved. Matthew found himself enjoying the feel of a man’s lips and fingers on his skin as Jordan kissed his way further down Matthew’s body, following the wet trail his tongue left with his fingers, setting Matthew’s body ablaze. Matthew sighed, closing his eyes and laying his head back on the pillow. He intended to enjoy the sensations, but his heart rate sped up and his mind began to torture him, flashing unwanted images over his closed lids. Matthew’s eyes flew open and he jerked up.
Looking down he saw it was only Jordan settling into the open space between his legs, smiling up at him before he took the head of Matthew’s cock into his mouth. “Oh god!” Matthew cried out, throwing his head back, only to be assaulted again with unwanted images. He gasped and tried to squirm away from Jordan only to feel fingers digging into his hips. Jordan held him in place as he swallowed Matthew’s entire length in one suck. Matthew quickly figured out that as long as he kept his eyes on Jordan, the unwanted images no longer assaulted his thoughts. It was difficult at times, not to succumb to his body’s urge to just close his eyes, let go and enjoy the rush of sensation. Even a half closed lid would relay a split screen image of want and terror.
When Matthew felt Jordan’s tongue sliding up his crease, he lost all train of thought, until he felt Jordan’s finger circle his opening. Matthew froze, as images of Josh hovering over him, demanding entrance to his body without ever having asked first, flooded his field of vision. Matthew did not understand why he lay there on the bed, eyes wide open, but all he could see was Josh. He squirmed and jerked back, but Jordan took it in stride, not realizing Matthew was literally trying to get away from him.
Matthew closed his eyes tight and shook his head, wanting, no, needing to shake off the troubling images of Josh, of that night. When he opened his eyes again and dared a glance down his own body, he breathed a sigh of relief, watching as Jordan continued to run his hands over his hips, taking his cock in his mouth ag
ain. Matthew trembled under the bigger man’s body as Jordan slowly made his way back up, hovering above Matthew, smiling down at him for a long time before leaning in for a quick kiss.
Jordan used his knees to spread Matthew’s legs apart, not realizing that the trembling he felt radiating off Matthew’s smaller frame was sheer terror, thinking it was brought on by lust. Unable to support the weight of his limbs any longer, Matthew let his legs fall to the bed, and then the bottom fell out of Matthew’s world. The pieces that he had glued together over the past two years shattered into a pile of broken glass at the foot of the bed when Jordan smiled down at him and whispered, “That’s it baby, open up for me.”
~ Chapter 6 | Broken ~
Matthew was enraged. He was hysterical, embarrassed and pissed off at the world. He was a freak, what they’d done to him had broken him so badly, he was beyond repair. How could anyone ever want someone that freaked out whenever they tried to be intimate with them? But he was confused as well. It wasn’t the fact that Jordan was about to fuck him per se that sent him over the edge, it was what Jordan had said.
“That’s it baby, open up for me.” Matthew felt nauseous just thinking about the words; he didn’t even need to hear them spoken out loud to feel faint, he need only hear them in his mind. The exact same words Josh had said to him just before he forced his way into Matthew’s body. He ran his fingers through his long, blonde hair then jerked so hard, he pulled more than just a few strands out. He shrieked, partly the sharp sting to his scalp from pulling his own hair, and partly because he was so damn sick and tired of feeling helpless inside his own fucking body.
Turning, Matthew grabbed the first thing he could reach, the picture of him with Jordan at a baseball game, and flung it against the bedroom wall. He screamed as the glass shattered against the wall, a heartbreaking symphony of pain. Piece by piece, Matthew proceeded to annihilate the room he called home until Andrew ran into the room and grabbed him, holding his trembling body in his arms and rubbing his hand over Matthew’s hair. “Shhhh, it’s okay Mattie. I’m here, we’re here, you’re safe with us,” Andrew whispered, afraid to raise his voice and set Matthew off again.
Matthew grabbed two fists full of Andrew’s shirt and clung to him for dear life, soaking the shirt with his hot tears. “No one but my mom has ever called me Mattie. I miss that.” The words were muffled since Matthew had his head buried in Andrew’s chest, but Andrew heard him loud and clear.
“We can call you Mattie if you like.” Andrew whispered into his hair. Matthew nodded his head and wrapped his arms tight around Andrew’s waist, sniffling. “Okay Mattie,” Andrew said.
Mattie looked up into Andrew’s beautiful blue eyes and wanted so badly to close the distance and kiss him right then. And he may have thrown caution to the wind and done just that, if a snarl from the doorway hadn’t grabbed their attention.
“What the fuck?!” Victor snarled. Mattie tensed in Andrew’s arms. “Why you do this Matthew? You have problem, you talk to us, like adult. This,” Victor said making a circular motion with his finger in the air. “is ridiculous. You have voice, use it!” Victor shouted, completely pissed off that Mattie had thrown a hissy fit and torn apart his bedroom.
“Vic, baby… “ Andrew was cut off by Mattie’s very angry voice that he was now using quite well.
“Talk to you?!” Mattie shouted. “Talk is overrated Victor. I tried that.” Mattie began pacing the small space between his bed and the doorway where Victor lingered, his massive arms crossed over his chest, still glaring down at Mattie. He understood that Mattie was young and troubled and carried around some pretty angry demons. But this was the house that he and Andrew had spent the last several years building, together. Mattie had torn his room apart in a matter of minutes, what would the angry sprite do if unleashed on the rest of the house in the mood he was in?
Mattie continued to pace, snatching a throw pillow from the foot of the bed and squeezing the shit out of it within his hands. Perhaps it was his already volatile mood, maybe it was the way Victor was chastising him like a child, but Mattie was pissed. The door to that night had been swung open earlier during the fiasco of a scene, and the day had only gotten worse since then. Mattie’s mind was flooded with the memories of sand and water, of hearing himself screaming for them to stop, but they were silent screams that no one could hear. No, he was the broken thing. They broke him that night on the beach when they took his innocence without even asking, without a care in the world.
He spun around, glaring back at Victor. “I tried talking once, I screamed and yelled and begged and it didn’t do any fucking good! No one could hear me, my voice was trapped inside my head,” Mattie pulled at his hair with the hand that wasn’t holding the pillow. “And my body wasn’t my own.” Mattie yelled, tears welling up in his eyes. He had torn a hole in the pillow and was now tearing little pieces off as he paced back and forth and finally, finally let it all out. “I begged them to stop but they wouldn’t. I cried, I kicked and screamed and fought back, at least in my mind I did. But in reality I was paralyzed, drugged and raped repeatedly because that voice you want me to use Victor, it doesn’t fucking matter!! It didn’t then and it doesn’t now!”
Andrew sucked in a sharp breath and Victor’s eyes went wide, he dropped his hands to his sides. “They?” Victor shot Andrew a confused look, before turning his gaze back to Mattie. “They who Matthew?” Victor’s voice was much calmer now. But Mattie did not answer him, he began mumbling incoherently to himself, still pacing and tearing the pillow to shreds with his bare hands.
“Mattie, please, look at me,” Andrew begged. Mattie stopped and turned on his heels, looking at Andrew. “Please Mattie; tell us what you’re talking about. Who hurt you?” he pleaded.
Mattie sucked in a breath, choking on a sob before looking away. “These guys at school, they lied to me to get me out to the beach and they…” Mattie looked down at his feet, unable to say the words with Andrew’s beautiful blue eyes staring at him. “They raped me; they took turns, all of them.” Mattie’s voice was low, barely audible, for the first time that evening.
“Jesus Christ.” Andrew gasped. He turned to look at Victor, tears already welling up in his blue eyes. He moved toward Mattie, wanting to wrap him in his arms and keep him safe, but Mattie stepped back and held his hand up, shaking his head.
“Don’t touch me right now Andy, okay.” Mattie’s voice was broken and despondent and it crushed Andrew. So he used Mattie’s own words against him to try and inch closer without being pushed away again.
“No one but my mom and grandma call me Andy, well, and Vic.” He said, smiling, hoping and praying it would ease some of the tension. But it was Victor’s next words that caused Mattie to double over in a fit of laugher and finally lightened the mood in the house that night.
“Who do this to you? You tell me, I have them killed!” Mattie just stared at the bigger man, eyes wide, mouth agape, before doubling over and resting his hands on his knees to stop from falling over he was laughing so hard. Andrew just glared at Victor and gave his arm a shove as he stepped past Victor and jerked Mattie into his arms.
“I am being serious.” Victor mumbled.
“I realize that.” Andrew admonished.
“Oh god, you have to stop, I’m going to piss myself.” Mattie snorted.
***
After Mattie’s meltdown and subsequent confession of the horrible act of violence he had to suffer through, the two older men began to look at him differently. It wasn’t pity, shame or disgust over what Mattie had endured. No, it was something much stronger and more concrete; the mechanics of their relationship shifted. They both admired him for surviving such an ordeal and thought that if any one human being deserved to be loved, cherished and protected, it was their Mattie.
Andrew sat on the floor, leaning back against the bed, holding a still wrecked Mattie in his arms while the young man teetered back and forth between laughter and hysterical sobbing. Andrew was starting to think M
attie may have had a breakdown, he just kept saying “Broken, I’m broken.” And Andrew kept telling him no, he wasn’t, he was beautiful and strong. Mattie wouldn’t tell them the entire story from that dreaded night until the next day, but he told them enough that they could piece together the horrific ordeal Mattie had endured at the hands of his peers, pretending to be his friends.
Victor set about cleaning up the mess Mattie created in his almost psychotic state before disappearing downstairs for a while, then reappearing with a tray full of sandwiches and fruit with three glasses of milk. Everything Mattie had told them played on a constant repetitive loop in Victor’s sharp mind, so when he initially grabbed three bottles of water, he remembered that was the weapon chosen to incapacitate Mattie that night, and quickly shoved them back into the fridge.