by T. M. Smith
It was a battle to get Mattie to eat, and even then it wasn’t much. Andrew finally got him into the bed by lying behind him and wrapping Mattie in his arms, promising he wouldn’t leave, that they would keep him safe. A festering wound had been torn open that night, one that had previously only been bandaged, and Andrew was certain it would take a while to syphon out all the infection that still remained under the skin.
Exhausted, Victor decided he needed to sleep. He could think clearer after a good night of rest, so he kissed Andrew then kissed Mattie’s sweat soaked head and turned to leave the room when Mattie’s small hand shot up, gripping Victor’s tight. “Please, don’t leave. Stay with us?” Mattie’s voice sounded like the soft cry of a dying animal and it tugged on Victor’s heart strings. He stood staring down into the eyes of the man he’d loved since the night they first met, getting a smile and a nod from Andrew, so he kicked off his shoes and stretched his long body out in front of Mattie.
Within minutes Mattie’s breathing evened out and he began snoring softly, Victor thought it sounded like a cat purring. He lay there for what seemed like hours just watching Mattie sleep. His eyes darted back and forth underneath the closed lids and occasionally he would jerk or tighten his hold on Victor’s arm. He looked up and met Andrew’s piercing blue stare over Mattie’s shoulder and for a brief moment, felt ashamed. What was he doing watching this young man so intently? Not only had Mattie been put through the wringer that night, but Victor was committed to his relationship with Andrew; the way he was watching Mattie spoke of things a man who already had a partner should not be thinking, or feeling.
“I know, I feel it too Vic.” Andrew said softly. He reached for Victor’s hand, entwining their fingers together then resting them on Mattie’s hip. “I can’t put a name to it yet, but there is something here, something more.” His eyes strayed from Victor’s down to where Mattie lay between them sleeping. “God Vic, you know I love you more than life itself, but I’m having feelings for him that I’ve tried so hard to bury and ignore. I don’t know what to do or where we go from here, but I also don’t know how much longer I can bury these feelings.” Andrew almost seemed sad as he spoke.
“And you should not have to Andy. I am not knowing what we are going to do either, but we must talk more and Matthew must talk too, no breaking and yelling. But that is conversation for tomorrow, now, we sleep.” Victor’s voice remained quiet and calm and in that moment Andrew knew that Victor had been experiencing the same pull to the young man that lay between them. He also knew that Victor was right. They all needed sleep. The elephant in the room would rest in the corner until the sun rose the next day.
~ Chapter 7 | Nightmares of the past ~
Mattie stood, staring at himself in his bathroom mirror. He was going on his first official date, and with a guy no less. He had been walking on air since Josh had asked him three days ago at school if he wanted to go to a movie with him that weekend. Mattie had been crushing on Josh since third grade, and after he came out a few weeks back, Mattie decided to stop hiding those feelings.
Coming out of the closet is what people referred to it as. And while Mattie did love his closet, for shoes and clothes and more shoes, he did not want to live in it. But anyone that knew him already knew he was gay before he ever admitted it out loud.
“Mattie.” His mother called from the top of the stairs.
“Yeah!” he hollered back in response.
“Your, well, your friend is here.” She added an improper lilt to the word ‘friend’ and Mattie knew why. His parents were not exactly thrilled when their only child sat them down at the breakfast table one Saturday and told them he was gay. Matthew had just finished reading one of the steamy gay romance novels he loved so much on his kindle the night before, and after the character’s mother just shrugged and said, “I know.” when he told her he was gay, Mattie figured, what the hell. Boy was he ever wrong.
His dad hadn’t spoken to him since or eaten a meal at the dinner table. If Mattie walked into a room, his father walked out. His mother wasn’t ignoring or avoiding her child, she just didn’t miss any opportunity to make an asinine remark about the life he was choosing to lead. He shook off those worrisome thoughts and ran his fingers through his hair once more before heading out into the hall and meeting his mom at the top of the stairs.
She glowered at him. “Honestly Mattie, what will the neighbors say? A young man showing up here to pick you up, with flowers no less, like you are the girl in the relationship or something.” She huffed and turned, stomping back down the stairs. Mattie just rolled his eyes at her back and followed her down.
It took everything he had not to puddle at the bottom of the stairs when he saw Josh standing in the entry way, smiling at him and holding a small bouquet of tulips. He met Mattie half way, handing him the tulips and smiling. “They’re beautiful Josh, thank you.” Mattie whispered. “I’ll just go…” he didn’t get to finish his sentence before his mother snatched the bouquet out of his hand saying she’d put them in water, then shoved them out the door, reminding Mattie of his twelve o’clock curfew.
Josh held Mattie’s hand as they walked down the sidewalk toward his truck, then opened the door for Mattie, the perfect gentleman. Mattie was on cloud nine, nothing could damper his mood, not even his mother’s rudeness or his father’s absence just then. There were a couple of bottles of water sitting in the console between the seats, Josh took one and handed the other to Mattie. He saw something on the white cap, a black spot, he rubbed at the spot with his thumb and it disappeared. He caught Josh watching him out of the corner of his eye and he smiled before opening the bottle and downing half of it in just a few gulps.
They stopped at Mattie’s favorite burger place in town before going to the theater. He was feeling a little dizzy and light headed, but chalked it up to nerves. When they were done eating, Mattie stood to dump their trays and stumbled, leaning on the table for support. The room started to spin and he couldn’t focus his eyes on anything.
“You okay?” Josh jumped up and grabbed Mattie’s elbow to stop him from falling.
“Yeah, just a little dizzy,” Mattie responded.
Josh grabbed the tray and flung it back down on the table, “Just leave it, they can dump it,” he said, wrapping an arm around Mattie’s waist and all but carrying him out to the truck. “Here, finish this, maybe it will help.” He handed Mattie the half full bottle of water form earlier and Mattie downed the rest in a couple swigs.
Everything was spinning still, worse so even, so Mattie laid his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Josh; I think you should take me home. I must be coming down with something.” He could hear Josh respond, but could not make out the words. He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, Josh was opening his door and pulling him out of the truck. There was this ‘whoosh, whoosh’ sound surrounding them, it sounded like waves crashing on the beach.
Mattie would have fallen face first into the sand, “Wait, sand?” if Josh hadn’t caught him. He felt his feet leave the ground as Josh tossed him over his shoulder, turning and walking down the beach. “Where are we going Josh? Josh?! JOSH?! Why won’t you answer me???” Mattie was screaming the words in his mind, but in reality, they never crossed his lips. And then Mattie lost consciousness again until he felt his body land hard on the dry sand. Opening his eyes he could see the light from a fire and shadows of bodies, but when he tried to turn his head, it wouldn’t budge.
“Oh my god, Josh, where are we? What’s going on?” that’s when Mattie heard a familiar voice, a voice that had taunted him since fifth grade. Brad Salway, captain of the football team. “Why isn’t he out cold, you said the stuff would knock him out?!”
“Oh Jesus, help! Somebody help me!!” Mattie was screaming but the words wouldn’t form, his mouth wouldn’t give birth to them.
“Stop your bitching Brad, he’s had enough to make him almost comatose, and besides, who would ever believe this fucking faggot
anyway if he told. That is if he even remembers anything tomorrow.” Josh’s voice had taken on a cold, condescending tone. Nothing like the kind, gentle voice he used with Mattie just… wait, how long had he been here? Mattie wondered.
Mattie did not know for sure how many of them there were, he only knew that if his heart stopped beating right then, it would be a blessing. He wasn’t sure how he would survive this. One by one, they took a little piece of Mattie’s innocence, a little piece of his soul, taunting him and egging each other on. He blacked out off and on, that’s why he lost count of exactly how many guys raped him that night. But the one that hurt the most, the one that would stick with him forever, was Josh.
The last thing Mattie remembered before the blessed darkness took him again was Josh climbing on top of him and leaning down, whispering in his ear, “That’s it baby, open up for me.”
***
Victor woke with a start. Mattie was flailing and shouting in his sleep. The next thing Victor knew there was a knee to his groin and when he jerked back in pain he wound up in the fetal position on Mattie’s bedroom floor, cradling his now swollen nuts in his hands.
“NO! Stop, Stop, Stop, Stop!” Mattie was screaming out, kicking and slapping at an invisible assailant.
“Mattie! Hey, shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Victor could hear Andrew’s voice calling out to Mattie, but just barely through the ringing in his ears.
“It was just a dream Mattie. It’s okay. You’re safe here with us.” Andrew spoke softly, holding Mattie close and rocking them back and forth.
It took Mattie a minute or two to catch his breath and calm down. When he did his wide brown eyes grew impossibly wider when he saw Victor on the floor next to the bed, doubled over and groaning in pain. “Oh god! Victor, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He cried out.
Victor waved a hand weakly at him, “Is okay.” He managed to grumble.
“Mattie, were you dreaming about that night?” Andrew asked and Mattie gave him a jerky nod. “You know you are safe here with us, right?” another jerky nod, this time with the hint of a smile. “Good, we are going to talk more about this but first, we need coffee, food and showers.”
Victor managed to pull himself up off the floor and headed downstairs to start the coffee. “I’ll go shower now then.” Mattie whispered, but stopped when Andrew reached for his arm.
“Shower now, but when you’re done you are going to tell us everything that happened that night Mattie. Because after today, if you don’t want to, we aren’t going to talk about it again, but Victor and I need to know what happened. You’ve held the poison from that night inside for so long that it is festering,” Andrew reached over and placed his hand over Mattie’s heart, “deep inside you. You will never be able to move on, get past it or come to terms with that night if you don’t release the pain and anger that you are holding onto.”
“Whatever happens next, Victor and I will be here to support you. We can find you a therapist or perhaps, entertain Victor’s idea of hiring a hitman.” Andrew said, smiling. It did the trick, the scowl that marred Mattie’s beautiful face morphed into a wide smile and he laughed out loud. It was music to Andrew’s ears.
Once Andrew heard the water in the bathroom turn on, he shot out of the tiny twin bed and raced to his and Victor’s bedroom to shower and get downstairs before Mattie. He and Victor needed to talk as well, but dealing with Mattie’s demons was far more important right then.
Andrew and Victor were both showered and dressed in shorts and T-shirts when Mattie made his way into the kitchen a while later. Andrew patted the stool next to him and Mattie obliged, plopping down and smiling when Victor shoved a plate full of eggs, bacon and toast along with a steaming cup of coffee in front of him. Victor then grabbed his own plate and cup of coffee and took the stool on the other side of Mattie. None of them knew it at the time, but this would become a ritual for them from that day on, the three of them always together, weathering any storm.
Victor and Andrew had spoken briefly while Mattie was still in the shower, deciding to concentrate on getting Mattie’s head clear first, then have a conversation just the two of them about their ever growing feelings for Mattie, and only then would they move forward if in agreement and talk to Mattie about their future.
They were just finishing breakfast and settling onto one of the large couches in the den when they heard the back door slam shut and a voice calling out. “Hey guys, where is everyone?”
“Shit! I forget I tell Jordan to come out today to grill. And he want to check on you after yesterday. I will get rid of him.” Victor stood but Mattie stopped him.
“It’s okay Victor, he can stay. He needs to hear this as well.” Mattie said.
“Are you sure?” Andrew asked.
“Sure about what?” Jordan had found them, standing in the door smiling until he took in the grim looks of the three men in the room. “What’s wrong? What happened? Is this about yesterday?” he could not only see, but feel the tension in the room.
“Hey Jordan, come in and have a seat.” Mattie motioned to the couch across from the one he, Victor and Andrew were occupying. “I, well, I had a rough night last night. And after what happened yesterday…” Jordan jumped up, cutting Mattie off mid-sentence.
“Fuck, Matthew. I don’t know what I did to make you react that way. But please, tell me, I would never hurt you, you have to know that!” Jordan had taken a seat on the coffee table and taken Mattie’s hands in his, his hazel eyes rimmed with pain.
“It wasn’t you Jordan, really, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Matthew tried to reassure his friend.
“I was between your legs Matthew and you freaked the fuck out. You curled up in a little ball and screamed bloody murder. And all I’m hearing from you right now is the word wrong. You’re going to have to be a bit clearer than that to set my mind at ease.” Jordan sat perched on the edge of the coffee table, refusing to move.
“Please, have a seat Jordan.” Mattie whispered, but it wasn’t until Victor stood again and grabbed Jordan’s arm, dragging him over to the other couch and sitting down with him that finally got Jordan moving.
“Does anyone need a refill?” Andrew asked, holding his cup in the air. “Or anything from the kitchen before we begin the first annual All Cocks therapy session?” Victor and Mattie just chuckled.
“Just a bottle of water.” Jordan said.
Both Victor and Andrew shouted in unison, “No water!”
Jordan knotted his brow in confusion while Mattie laughed at his two protectors. “Guys, seriously, are you never going to drink a bottle of water in my presence again? Going to stop the manufacturing of all bottled water in the Tri-State area? Get the man a bottle of water Andy.”
“Andy? What the…” Jordan mumbled but quieted when Victor touched his arm and shook his head.
Minutes ticked by and soon turned to one hour, then two as Mattie relayed the events of that night. Jordan and Victor could have set off a nuclear bomb from where they sat, they were both seething and all but in a blind rage the further into the story Mattie got. Andrew held them all together and kept them all calm. He held Mattie’s trembling body, whispering words of protection and encouragement when Mattie would get choked up. He smiled reassuringly at both men that sat across from them when he saw the little veins in their foreheads and necks begin to protrude.
Mattie told them everything. Knowing he was gay as soon as he knew what attraction was and realizing he was attracted to the same sex. His first real crush on an older, cute boy named Josh who had always been fairly nice to him until that night. His parent’s disgust over having a gay son; and their huge lapse in judgement upon learning that their only child had not only been raped, but gang raped by at least six other peers, and turning a blind eye to it. Telling Mattie that it was his depraved choices that caused those young men to lash out, if he wasn’t the way he was then it wouldn’t have happened.
“It took me a couple of days t
o pull myself out of bed and work up the nerve to pack a bag and walk out the front door. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move, both physically and emotionally. I didn’t say goodbye and I never looked back. I know I just continued to make one bad choice after another, but I didn’t really have a lot of choices living on the streets.” Mattie went silent after that. Waiting for what, he did not know. He just couldn’t talk anymore right then. His head and his heart ached and his throat was raw.
“So it was what I said. Jesus! What the fuck are the odds that I would say the exact same words to you that that fucking filthy animal said to you?!” Jordan was beyond pissed now. The thick corded muscles in his arms and neck were bulging, his face was red and his eyes blazed with anger.
“No Jordan, don’t blame yourself, you couldn’t have known. Hell, I didn’t even realize it still had such a hold over me until yesterday. I think it’s safe to say, I won’t be putting myself in that position again.” Mattie shook his head before lifting his now cold coffee to his lips and taking a drink. “Ugh, that’s nasty.”