Playing the Enemy: The Trouble With Tomboys #1

by Dallen, Maggie

  Man, I hated myself sometimes.

  But still… I clenched and unclenched my hands at my sides. I wasn’t going to handle this like my dad. Throwing things in anger? That was his thing, not mine. I played it cool. Up until that fight with Caleb in the parking lot, I’d never once lost my temper like that. I’d prided myself on keeping my emotions under control, and now…?

  Well, now I didn’t even recognize myself. What I saw when I looked in the mirror, I hated. It scared me, truth be told.

  Maybe I’d always known that if I got involved with a girl I’d lose my handle on my temper. Maybe deep down I’d guessed that if anyone ever got past the barriers and the strict rules that guided my life, I’d be done for.

  I let out a long exhale and forced myself to relax. If that was the case, then I’d been right all along. Maybe some people could handle messy, some people could deal with this overpowering feeling of need and…and love.

  Crap. Why try to deny it? That’s what this was, wasn’t it? It’s what this had always been. I wasn’t sure exactly at what point I’d gone and fallen for Hannah, but there was no denying that I was a goner.

  “And I lost you again.” Tristan clapped a hand on my shoulder. “You gonna be okay, man?”

  I nodded. Of course. I’d be fine…just as soon as I could scrub all memories of Hannah from my mind and get back to focusing on my game. I gave my head a little shake. “I’ll be great. I just don’t see why you’d skip hanging out with the team tonight.”

  There was another party planned, even though this one was to commiserate on our loss. It was another backyard gathering, and probably the last one for a while since the weather was starting to turn.

  “Yeah, well…” Tristan shifted, looking away from me with a weirdly guilty look. “I, uh…I have plans.”

  I frowned at my best friend. He’d been acting cagey all day, especially when I brought up tonight’s party. His weirdness was doing nothing for my mood.

  “Whatever,” I muttered.

  My mom opened the garage door that led to the house and poked her head out. “Paxton’s on the phone. Do you want to talk to him?”

  Not really, actually. This week I’d been avoiding his calls, and the guilt that came with being a bad brother was another thing that only added to my bad mood. But I just knew he’d ask me about my love life—he always did. Why? Don’t ask me. I don’t recall him being all that into girls when he lived at home, but somehow the conversation always came back to that when he was grilling me on my life.

  At some point over the past few years, my big bad bro had become the freakin’ Dr. Ruth of the armed forces.

  My mom held out her phone, and I saw his face on the screen for a videocall. I took it from her hands, and she gave me a smile before disappearing inside, most likely to go back to a crossword puzzle or her latest Netflix obsession. Maybe both at the same time.

  My mom was a pro at escaping reality.

  “Hey, man, how’s things?” Paxton asked, his voice annoyingly upbeat as I set the phone down on a work bench so we could see each other.

  “Fine,” I muttered.

  Tristan poked his head over my shoulder so he could see Paxton. “He’s not fine.”

  I smacked the top of his head and shifted away. “I’m fine.”

  “Yeah, really fine.” Tristan snorted, still shouting at Paxton even as I walked away. “Did he tell you he got into a fight?”

  “Dad told me,” Paxton said, his voice even, holding no judgment. “What was that all about?”

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “A girl.” Tristan spoke at the same time as me, and when I whipped around to glare at him he arched his brows and widened his eyes, all innocence.

  “Nothing,” I said again.

  “A girl, huh?” Paxton said.

  I sighed. Apparently, no one could hear me in the bad acoustics of this dirty old garage.

  “Who’s the girl?” Paxton asked. “Wait, is this the new girl on the team? The one you used to have a crush on when you were a kid?”

  I barely held back a growl as my brother and best friend snickered at my expense.

  Yeah, ha ha, very funny. I still have a thing for my childhood crush. Hilarious.

  Paxton seemed to realize that I was not laughing. “So,” he said with feigned casualness. “Not going well then, huh?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Is that what the fight was about?” he asked. “Dad said you lost your cool over a soccer rival.”

  I drew in a deep breath. I knew exactly what Dad thought. He’d made his thoughts very clear on how immature my behavior had been. In his eyes, that fight was just another example of how bad soccer was for me and how badly I needed the strict discipline of the Army. I’d thought about explaining to him that I hadn’t punched Caleb out of some soccer rivalry, but because I’d seen him grab Hannah and jerk her around and I’d…well, I’d lost it.

  There’d been no thought involved. For the first time in my life I understood what people meant when they said someone ‘saw red.’

  I’d seen it. I’d been blinded by it. I’d acted before I could think.

  Just like my dad.

  Oh crap, I was turning into our father. I groaned quietly as I rubbed my forehead. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought it, but right now I had no energy left to rationalize the difference between me and him.

  Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it was in my genes to be an angry jerk. Maybe—

  “Don’t go there.” Paxton’s voice was firmer than I’d ever heard it.

  My head snapped up, and I saw him glaring at me through the phone.

  “I mean it, kid.” He only ever called me ‘kid’ when he was annoyed. “Don’t go comparing yourself to him just because you had one slip-up. I’ve told you before, and I’ll say it again, everyone gets pissed. Everyone deals with jealousy and anger. That doesn’t make you him.”

  I clenched my jaw to keep from arguing the point with him. How did he know? It didn’t matter. We’d hashed this out many times, and I knew he not only had shared the same fears, he’d overcome them.

  Now he wanted me to do the same.

  But the thing was, he and I had never been similar. I wasn’t laid back. Oh sure, I’d learned how to stay cool and collected, but I was still described as ‘intense’ by the most loyal of friends. I was intense, but I’d channeled that intensity and seriousness into soccer. I’d turned it into focus and used it to get ahead, to become the best athlete I could be.

  But what I hadn’t realized was that I’d been fooling myself.

  Did I have my anger under control? Sure. But only as long as I didn’t lose my senses.

  Only as long as I didn’t do something completely insane like fall in love.

  “What happened with the girl?” Paxton’s voice was demanding, and I snapped.

  “Why do you care?”

  “Because I don’t want to see you making Dad’s mistakes.” His voice was just as harsh and I jerked back like he’d smacked me.

  Ouch.

  The silence was brutal. He thought I was like Dad. I knew it. Hurt ran through me and made my limbs feel like metal. “That’s exactly why I ended things with her,” I said. “I don’t want to make his mistakes either.”

  Paxton sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. “No, River, you don’t get it.” Impatience and frustration laced his voice. “Dad’s not an angry jerk because he’s out of control. He’s angry because he’s miserable.” Paxton rubbed a hand over his face, his tone weary. “All he’s ever cared about was his career, and now ours. That’s no way to live.”

  I stared at the screen in shock. Paxton rarely talked about this stuff, and I’d never once thought of it that way. Something frighteningly close to hope made me stiffen. “I-I lose control around her,” I said. “And if I lose control…”

  I could turn into him.

  It went unsaid, but I knew Paxton understood because he was shaking his head with a sad expression. “You’ve gotten it all turned
around, little bro. Caring about people isn’t going to turn you into him. Letting people in is only going to make you better. Stronger. It’s love that beats darkness, not solitude.”

  I stared at him in surprise. I mean, my brother was always a bit of a sap and he’d always leaned toward the philosophical, but this… “Dude, when did you become Yoda?”

  Tristan snorted with amusement behind me. “Personally, I’d say he’s more of an Obi Wan, but that’s just me.”

  My mind flashed back to Hannah and her lame joke about the Sith lords. I found myself fighting a smile at the memory. I scrubbed a hand over my face, confused and hopeful and…did I mention really freakin’ confused?

  My dad, his temper, my future career, my feelings for Hannah…

  Could being with her really be the right way forward or was I just trying to rationalize being with her because I was a selfish prick who wanted to be with Hannah?

  What if my temper got the best of me again? What if next time I hurt her?

  But even as I thought it, I knew it was a baseless fear. I could never hurt Hannah. Never. I could never hurt anyone I loved.

  And I loved her. There was no doubt in my mind about that.

  “So what’s the holdup?” Paxton asked, as if he didn’t already know. “Why are you so afraid of telling this girl how you feel?”

  I clung to my old reasoning, trying to remember why it had seemed so necessary to keep my distance. “I lose control around her…I—”

  Tristan’s laugh cut me off. “Dude, no offense, but I’d say that’s a good thing.” I turned to stare at him, and he shrugged. “You’re better around her. I mean, sure, the punching part was a bit much. But I can speak for myself and everyone on your team when I say you’re a different man when you’re with her.”

  When I just kept staring, he grinned. “You might have gotten all overprotective that day in the parking lot, but you were also smiling a lot when she was around. And laughing—”

  “He was laughing?” Paxton interrupted, like this was the craziest news he’d ever heard.

  Tristan turned to the screen. “Oh, dude, he was laughing. In fact, there was one time there where I could have sworn I heard him giggle.”

  I smacked his arm hard even as I fought a laugh. “I did not giggle.”

  They were both laughing now, at my expense. “Whatever, dude,” Tristan said. “All I know is, if that was you losing control then I liked it. We all did.”

  So did I.

  I stood there gawking for a little while as I realized the truth of it. Aside from the fight with Caleb, I’d liked the guy I was around her, too. I’d felt like myself but without the restraints. I’d felt alive in a way I hadn’t for…I didn’t know how long. Not since I was a kid.

  The way I felt around her was nothing like my angry father. Sure, there’d been anger and jealousy when I was with her, but there was also love and laughter. She made me laugh at myself, which was a rarity for me.

  She made me better.

  It wasn’t like I’d lost the will to play soccer—if anything, being with her made me a better player. She challenged me, on the field and off.

  My heart was racing as my brain shifted its perspective like a train switching tracks. And this new view? It was freakin’ terrifying. And exciting.

  I found myself staring into a potential future—one that was filled with love and laughter and a feisty competitor who’d always challenge me to be better.

  A future that included Hannah.

  I didn’t know how long I stood there like a moron, frozen with shock as my brain caught up to the moment.

  “River,” Paxton said, cutting into my trance. “Why are you still standing there?”

  I blinked and gave my head a little shake. “I need to see her.”

  Tristan and Paxton were grinning at me like fools. “It’s about time you got your head on straight, little bro.”

  “Yeah, man,” Tristan added. “We couldn’t have put up with that bad mood much longer.”

  I ran a hand through my hair, my heart pounding against my ribcage as I thought through what I had to do. “I need to see her.”

  “You need to shower first,” Paxton said.

  I looked down at my sweat-stained T-shirt. “Right. Shower first, then I’ll go to her house and—”

  “Ehhh.” Tristan made an irritating buzzer sound. “Wrong. She won’t be at home tonight.”

  I stared at him until he shifted. Once again, I saw the guilt written all over him. “How do you know that?”

  “Uh…” He scratched the back of his head. “Because I have plans with her tonight.”

  I blinked a few times as Paxton tried and failed to stifle a laugh at this awkward scene. “You have plans with her?” I echoed stupidly.

  “Yeah, uh, you see…tonight’s the homecoming dance at Lakeview High?”

  He said it like a question and I felt myself stiffening. “And you’re her date?”

  “Sort of?”

  “Stop saying everything like a question,” I snapped. “And tell me what’s going on.”

  Tristan cleared his throat. “Okay, yes, I’m supposed to be Hannah’s date for tonight, but it’s not what you think.”

  I arched a brow and folded my arms, waiting not so patiently to find out why my best friend was taking the love of my life to her school dance.

  “Hey,” Tristan said, holding his hands up defensively. “You’re the moron who ended things with her.”

  Understanding dawned and guilt swept over me. “And she needed a date,” I said. “So she wouldn’t be embarrassed going alone when Caleb was bringing his girlfriend.”

  Tristan’s brows drew together in confusion. “No, that’s not it. She was planning on going with her friend Rose. She didn’t care whether she had a proper date or not.”

  I blinked in incomprehension. “She told you that? When were you guys talking?”

  Tristan folded his arms, too. “Look, man, Hannah and I both agreed that just because you were an idiot didn’t mean she and I couldn’t be friends. I like her and—”

  Something in my expression had him stopping midsentence. “No, no, no. Not like that. I don’t like her-like her.” He let out an exasperated huff. “You can stop glaring at me like that, Romeo. I only like her as a friend, and she’s very clearly hung up on you.”

  She is? I bit back the pathetically eager question and nodded for him to continue.

  “See, the thing is, Allison really wanted to go to homecoming this year,” he said. “And since our school cut the dance because of budget issues…” He cleared his throat. “Taking her to a dance seemed like the sort of grand gesture that I needed to make her see how I felt.”

  “I see,” I said slowly. I would have been blind not to notice that Tristan had a thing for Allison, I just hadn’t realized he’d been planning a grand gesture while I was moping. “So how does this involve you being Hannah’s date?”

  He grinned. “It was Hannah’s idea, actually. I’ll go as her ‘date,’” he used air quotes to make his point. “And Allison will go as Rose’s ‘date.’ We each get a ticket to a dance, and once we’re there…”

  “You two will be each other’s dates,” I finished.

  “Exactly.” Tristan’s smile was smug. “Smart, right? Allison is so stoked.”

  “Yeah, that’s…” I trailed off as my mind took a different tact. “So Hannah will be dateless?”

  Tristan shrugged. “Well, Rose will be there. And I swear, she didn’t seem to care about the date thing.” When I didn’t speak, he kept justifying himself. “I promise, this was her idea. She said she doesn’t need a date so—”

  “Well, too bad,” I said, a smug smile of my own spreading across my face as excitement had adrenaline flooding through me giving me new confidence. “Because a date is exactly what she’s going to get.”

  Chapter 18

  Hannah

  Rose hovered beside me as the twinkling lights strung along the sides of the auditorium cast us b
oth in a cozy orange glow.

  “Are you sure about this?” she asked for the tenth time.

  I eyed Caleb and his girlfriend, who looked wary as they approached. I gave them both a friendly grin as I talked to Rose. “Like I told Caleb, if we stand any chance of being friends going forward, then Val and I should figure out how to be civil.”

  Val’s wariness turned to a hesitant smile in return, and she flashed Caleb a questioning look as he gripped her hand. Tall and thin and blonde, she looked glamorous in a slinky black dress that made me tug hesitantly at the wide, swirly skirt of my little red dress.

  I eyed their linked hands without so much as a flicker of jealousy. I wished I could say I was really that mature, but I was pretty sure the truth of the matter was, I’d never really had those feelings for Caleb. We’d had affection and friendship and loyalty…but no great passion.

  I supposed neither of us knew what we’d been missing until we’d found it.

  Well, he’d found it. I personally didn’t believe in one-sided love, so whatever this was I was feeling for River, I must have been mistaken…again. It was probably infatuation, that was all. Which meant it would pass…right?

  I mean, it had to. I swallowed down my own misery and forced my smile even wider as Rose groaned. “I trust you know what you’re doing, but I want no part of this.”

  She gave the happy new couple an utterly fake smile—she’d informed me before the dance that while I might be big enough to forgive and forget, she was more than happy to hold on to that grudge for me, thank you very much. When they got a little closer she whispered “good luck” before slipping away to join some of her friends from the drama department out on the dance floor.

  “Hi!” It was entirely possible that my greeting was too chipper when they showed up. It was definite that my hug was overkill judging by the way Val stiffened in my arms. But after a heartbeat, she relaxed a bit, and she eased up a hand to pat my back awkwardly.

  “Nice to meet you,” she said in a quiet voice when I pulled back.