by S M Mala
‘I was a bit rude last time. I didn’t mean to walk off like that.’
‘Your dick’s flaccid, I understand,’ she whispered, making him squirm at the comment. ‘So is mine therefore we have something in common.’ Sasha grinned up at him. ‘I don’t know of any cures to be honest other than medication.’
‘Is it okay if I sit?’ Kit couldn’t help but smile at her cheek. ‘And I’m interested to know why you come here.’
‘It’s safe,’ she replied and put her tablet and headphones to the side. ‘Also they let me stay for a few hours to watch my films.’
‘Can’t you do that at home?’
‘I like to eat noodles or soup or soup noodles when I do. Sit down then.’
Kit took the seat opposite and noticed she was staring.
‘I know Angela has left so I hope you’re not looking for a replacement.’
‘Now you know I have a flaccid dick, you’ll realise I can’t facilitate.’
‘I’m sure it’ll perk up when you set eyes on the lovely Ingrid,’ she smiled
‘Yeah, well, we can only dream.’
‘Do you want to share some spring rolls? They’re very good and I’m really hungry today.’
‘Sure.’
They sat in comfortable silence as the food turned up. Kit really didn’t have anything to say for himself and neither did Sasha. She just focussed on putting noodles into her mouth.
The food was delicious and he had a warm glow inside, due to the fresh chilli and lime he added to his noodles. Sasha, he noticed, had left the broth.
‘It makes me pee lots,’ she said, pushing her bowl away.
They sat in silence, looking at each other.
‘I used to be a cocaine addict. Kicked the addiction about four years ago because it was killing me and I could have lost my daughter, Grace. Which in answer to your question last time, I didn’t need help in the fertility bit. Now, considering I poisoned my body, I might need to.’
He didn’t know why he told her this. It just came out.
‘A tap dancing ex coke head,’ she mumbled. ‘That’s very interesting. But you work in a bar. Don’t you get tempted? You know people are walking around with the stuff.’
‘I used to but now, I see I was harming myself,’ he whispered, wiping his mouth with the paper napkin. ‘Self-destruction.’
‘I know that feeling. I’ve been wanting to self-destruct for years but I keep being stopped.’
‘Who’s stopping you?’
‘My very large bonkers extended family who want me to walk on earth longer, therefore prolonging my pain about being alive.’
There was no expression when she said it as she stared straight into his eyes.
‘You don’t want to live?’ he asked, trying to hide his astonishment.
‘Most days, no. I suspect you asked Justin about me. Given I lost my children, would you?’ Sasha took a sip of water. Kit avoided eye contact, knowing he agreed with her comment. ‘I’m not a widow because I divorced Paul but nothing describes your children dying. I’ve read on websites what people have written. The explanation is so excruciatingly unbearable to comprehend, it doesn’t have a name. I stopped being a mother in a matter of seconds. Sure, I don’t want to live but unfortunately I’m not getting my own way. Paul did it and I was stopped from doing the same thing.’
‘You gladly tried to take your own life?’
‘I’ve tried many times. Somehow they pump it all out and send me off to clinics so I can talk, though it’s pretty apparent there’s nothing to say. When I got off life support, I was very angry. Firstly because I knew Florence and Mylo had died and secondly, given that information, my mother should have turned off my life support. That’s the first thing I said when I regained consciousness. She wasn’t too pleased with me being an ungrateful cow, her words not mine.’ Sasha smiled. ‘Am I making you uncomfortable?’
‘Your honesty…’ Kit took a deep breath. ‘Do you tell everyone this?’
‘They don’t want to listen, to hear what I have to say because it hurts them.’ She sipped her water. ‘I don’t know why I’m telling you.’
‘Justin says because you recognise a sorry soul.’
‘I recognise a hurt one,’ Sasha said quietly. ‘You’ve turned your life around but you don’t seem happy. I can see it when you give the lessons. Something’s making you very edgy and I’m not sure if it’s the class or my appalling dance moves.’
‘I’ve got a lot on my mind.’
‘Something you’re not supposed to tell me?’
‘Yes.’
As they left, he walked away without saying goodbye and headed off down the road. Then he stopped to see what she’d do.
Once again, she walked down the road and went to the coffee shop, pouring half the contents away as a black car came and whisked her off.
Kit wasn’t sure what to think but he was interested to find out more about her.
He hated to admit it but there was something about Sasha he liked.
‘So here you are again,’
… Sasha smiled a few days later, sat in the Vietnamese. ‘A glutton for punishment or is it soup?’
‘Both,’ he replied, sitting at their regular table.
‘And you managed to get out of coffee quickly?’
‘I noticed you knocked back your drink at high speed and then left,’ Kit smiled.
And then it hit him.
The warm feeling he had in his gut every time he was with her.
At today’s tap lesson, he could all but take his eyes off her and knew he was being watched. Kit couldn’t help it. He was drawn to her more and more.
All Sasha did in response was smile and that would throw his attention.
He wasn’t quite sure what was going on but all he knew, he really liked spending time with her.
‘It’s getting cold,’ she said, slightly shivering. ‘It won’t snow before Christmas.’
‘That’s a few weeks away.’
‘I always used to hope it would when I was a kid. Florence and Mylo used to literally beg Santa for snow on Christmas day,’ Sasha sighed, her smile fading. ‘I miss them so much.’
He watched the pained expression before she looked at him.
‘Are you okay?’ Kit asked, seeing her pick up the menu.
‘I think I’m having a sad day,’ she whispered.
He got up and sat next to her as she glanced at him.
Their eyes locked and it seemed as if he was lost in the deep dark pools of her pupils. It was then he noticed she used her little finger and touched his hand. Both of them looked down at the small light brown digit stroking his skin.
Sasha looked up at him again and this time he took her hand and placed it in his.
Still neither one spoke.
‘Is this okay?’ he asked quietly.
‘Are you alright with it?’ she replied. ‘I don’t want you to flinch then find myself catapulted across the other side of the restaurant.’
‘It feels nice.’ Kit smiled and there was a little bit of a stunned emotional silence from him. ‘It feels really very nice.’
Kit knew she was sad like him and, somehow, needed the reassurance that there was a better life for her. He recognised the look of despair and knew he had the same one for a long time.
But everything was starting to change when he glanced at her smile.
Slowly but surely, every time they met in the following weeks, be it at tap lessons or for their lunch rendezvous, they’d talk and touch more.
At first it was a fleeting meeting of the hands but as they sat at the table, it would be Sasha touching his face, stroking his arm and squeezing his fingers.
All very gentle and safe.
Kit pushed her hair out of her eyes and ran his finger along her cheek. Her response would be to smile and nod.
It felt comfortable and he wanted to touch her more, spend time with the strange little woman who loved to eat noodles and tap dance.
Not once did he flinch.
There was something happening to him.
It got the point, one night, he lay in bed and thought about her, smiling when he recalled she laughed at something he said or a comment she made.
He was starting to fall for Sasha in an unexpected and wonderful way.
‘Can’t you just keep still?’
… Justin asked as Kit danced away behind the bar. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘I’m happy!’ he laughed out, rocking his hips and moving to the fast beat of the music.
‘And customers like this?’ he grimaced, noticing some women eye him up. ‘Stupid question really.’
‘What are you doing here?’ Kit asked, filling his brother’s glass with gin and tonic. ‘It’s a week night and I thought you didn’t drink.’
‘I wanted to have a chat with my allusive little brother who seems to keep sprinting out of the classes to avoid talking to me.’
‘You know I have to do coffee with the class.’
‘Just coffee?’ Justin asked. Kit ignored him, closed his eyes and danced away. ‘Sean! Is he always like this?’
‘Recently he just won’t stop grooving,’ sighed the man, filling the fridge with bottles. ‘Looks like the man’s in love.’
Kit suddenly stopped and glared at Sean only to hear Justin laugh.
‘Not I’m not!’ Kit defensively replied.
‘I was only joking and you don’t need to bite my head off!’ laughed Sean before flicking a glance at Justin. ‘He’s a bit defensive, isn’t he?’
‘He’s also hard to pin down based on his jiggling hips,’ Justin sighed. ‘Aren’t you going to talk to me?’
‘It’s a busy time, seven o’clock, you know,’ replied Kit, trying to hide his blush when automatically thinking about Sasha. ‘Anyway, what do you want to talk about?’
‘I was wondering how the classes were going? Everyone seems pretty happy.’
‘They’re good,’ he replied, sensing his brother was staring. ‘Nice mix of people.’
‘I get the impression you like one of them a lot more than the rest?’
‘Who?’ Kit replied, stopping in mid flow of his rocking hips and standing still.
‘Ingrid?’ smiled Justin, who then narrowed his eyes. ‘Or was it Angela?’
‘Yeah,’ he laughed, feeling relieved. ‘They’re very attractive.’
‘You’re not supposed to be cavorting with the students,’ sniffed Justin. ‘It’s unprofessional.’
‘What if it was Vanessa? What would you say?’
‘Good luck,’ grinned Justin then leaned closer. ‘No one else you like?’
‘Estella’s alright, a bit scary sometimes how she looks at you. Glenda’s too stuck up. Bernadette’s really sweet and Alexandra… well, she’s a bit like mum, all theatrical. Stuart is certainly not my type so that’s all.’
‘What about Sasha?’
‘Who?’ he innocently asked, watching his brother start to laugh before shaking his head from side to side. ‘Oh her! I’ve not really noticed.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really,’ he said, turning to serve a customer and looking over his shoulder at Justin.
When he finished he walked back.
‘I know you,’ whispered Justin. ‘You can’t tell me you’ve not noticed her.’
‘She’s alright. A little odd,’ shrugged Kit, leaning closer. ‘Have you come to tell me off?’
‘I’ve been watching you when you teach class.’
‘Why?’
‘To make sure you’re doing it properly. I noticed, unless I’m very much mistaken, that you’re forever looking at Sasha. I’d even say eyeing her up constantly.’
‘No I don’t,’ he replied, standing up straight immediately guilty at being caught. ‘She’s rubbish at dancing and I find it quite intriguing.’
‘Sasha’s bad tap dancing intriguing? That’s a first. So you don’t fancy her then?’
‘Look, are you telling me off or aren’t you?’
‘Be careful with Sasha, even if you’re not trying to get into her knickers. She’s very fragile and respect that.’
‘Why do you care?’
‘Because I know two lost souls when I see them, believe me.’
‘So you’ll all come?’
… Kit asked the class who stood there, open mouthed. ‘This Saturday for a Christmas party at my bar?’
‘This Saturday! It doesn’t give me long to get an outfit and it’s the weekend before Christmas,’ said Vanessa, looking flummoxed. ‘What do we wear?’
‘Whatever you want. I’m asking some of my regulars and friends. You said you wanted to come to my place and the food’s good.’
‘You want us oldies?’ asked Estella, shaking her head. ‘Are you sure you have sauvignon blanc?’
‘Cases of the stuff,’ he laughed, looking forward to the bash.
‘Is everyone going?’ Glenda asked and looked at Sasha.
‘Are you coming Sasha?’ Estella asked. ‘It might be fun.’
‘I’m not sure,’ she scowled. ‘I’ll see.’
‘I’ll be there,’ said Ingrid, smiling brightly at Kit.
He’d spent the past few weeks making an effort with Ingrid but he was distracted. Kit knew he could then cross over the road afterwards and spend time with Sasha. She realised he was meeting Ingrid but never asked any questions.
He was itching to see Sasha today.
Ingrid had to go off to a beauty treatment and he just wanted to have lunch at the Vietnamese.
After coffee, Sasha left at her usual time and Kit followed, fifteen minutes later.
And her tap dancing had improved considerably even though he knew she was still holding back.
Kit didn’t understand why.
He got to the café and she was sitting in her usual place but not watching a film. Kit sat down opposite and she smiled.
This threw him when he had an involuntarily spasm in his gut.
‘Hello,’ she said. He grinned back. ‘I could do you a compilation of music for your party, if you like. I’m not a DJ but I can edit sound so I know it’s not that difficult.’
‘I was going to DJ,’ Kit replied, feeling his heart start to pump hard in his chest.
He was trying to catch his breath.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked, leaning forward. ‘You seem a little uncomfortable.’
‘It’s nothing,’ he gulped. ‘One more lesson then it’s Christmas break. What are you doing?’
‘I’m spending it with family and friends,’ Sasha said, forcing a smile. ‘I hate this time of year.’
‘Why?’
‘Do you have to ask?’
‘Me too,’ he sighed. ‘I can’t be with Grace which is what I want.’
‘My daughter would have been the same age as her,’ she blurted out. ‘She was five and Mylo was three when they died.’
It looked like it took a big effort for her to say it.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why?’ she asked, smiling sadly. ‘People tell me that again and again but I don’t know why. Why apologise? Then I got it. They feel sorry for me which I wish they wouldn’t. What are you doing?’
‘I spend the day with mum, Justin and his family. Grace comes over on Boxing Day and we do Christmas again. It’s not perfect but-.’
‘At least she’s living and breathing and you can hold her anytime. I’d give anything just to do that again.’ A tear fell to her cheek. He moved forward and wiped it away, caressing the smooth skin as she closed her eyes. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. You’re suffering too.’
‘Suffering? Is that what we are?’
‘Not so much when I’m talking to you,’ she said, wiping her stray tears away. ‘There’s something that makes me feel calm and safe. I think it’s because I trust you.’
‘Thank you.’
Kit didn’t know what was going on in his head and chest. He had an overwhelming desire to kiss her but w
orried it would ruin their friendship.
He had taken heed what Justin said about her being delicate and didn’t want to rock the boat.
Not one day had he forgotten what he was there to do.
But he was thankful he got to meet her.
Sasha.
This was a bad sign but he wasn’t going to pursue it, yet.
He’d do the job in hand with Ingrid and see what happened next.
For the first time he worried that it might backfire and he’d end up losing Sasha’s friendship.
That’s something he didn’t even want to contemplate.
‘They’re going for it!’
… laughed out Sean, watching Estella, Vanessa and Glenda bop away on the small makeshift dance floor. ‘They’re from your tap class?’
‘Sure are,’ he laughed then scoured the room to see if Sasha had arrived.
Ingrid was there with a friend as well as the rest of the class. Then he did a double take when he noticed Ryan walk in with Captain, both looking very smart. They casually went up to the bar.
‘Which one’s Ingrid?’ asked Ryan, looking around. ‘Let me guess. The redhead.’
‘What are you two doing here?’ he whispered, suddenly feeling anxious. ‘Do you think it’s a good idea?’
‘We have to make out we’re friends of yours especially if we’re to convince your mate,’ Ryan replied, glancing over at Sean who was looking over with a false smile. ‘Does he think we’re dealers?’
‘He worries that new people might be trying to get me back to my old ways.’
‘Oh yeah, the drugs,’ he replied, shrugging his shoulders. ‘Looks like a nice crowd.’
‘Very nice,’ Captain said and Kit noticed he was eyeing up Alexandra.
‘Seriously?’ Kit said, seeing the woman smile flirtatiously back. ‘She’s one of the class.’
‘I know,’ he replied, grinning. ‘I’ve see pictures of all of them. Is she Alexandra?’
‘Captain?’ said Ryan, shaking his head. ‘I thought you were going to steer clear of the opposite sex.’
‘She’s all woman that one,’ he sighed, turning to Kit. ‘Couple of pints please. He’ll have anything weak and give me a pint of your finest ale.’
Once again, Kit glanced around and there was still no Sasha. His heart sunk.