by S M Mala
Closing his eyes for a second, he felt mortally embarrassed.
To him it seemed like common knowledge and he hated it.
‘I lost my libido years ago,’ she hurriedly said. ‘I realised you flinched when Ingrid touched you the other day. That’s what I do. Not just with the opposite sex but with people I know who love me. My body can’t respond in a loving way. I ask people not to touch me. If I was a man, they’d probably say my impotency was incurable. I expect yours isn’t.’
‘Why are you telling me all this?’ he snapped, seeing Sean look at him through the window. ‘We’ve hardly said two words to each other for weeks and now you want to chat?’
‘I don’t know. Your bar looks really nice,’ Sasha shrugged. She put up her hood and her face turned back to the sullen one he was used to. ‘Sorry to have upset you.’
Then she turned and quickly walked away, her head held down before disappearing around the corner.
His rudeness was unacceptable and he knew it.
A wave of guilt hit him when he realised that’s why she was the way she was.
She’d suffered such a personal loss, it was still hard to come to terms with. Whereas he’d suffered something not so devastating but still enough to tip him over the edge.
‘Shit,’ he mumbled and walked in, going straight behind the bar.
‘Is she one of the women you’re wining and dining?’ his friend asked, laughing. ‘She’s hot.’
‘No,’ he flatly replied, taking off his jacket and looking around the bar.
‘What’s up? You didn’t have a nice lunch?’
‘What’s there to say? Angela wanted a hot session before she goes off on a business trip with her husband and what could I give her? A back massage? A bit of a touch up before it all goes horribly wrong.’
‘Kit? Are you alright?’ Sean asked, putting down the glasses and pulling him to one side. ‘You seem pretty vexed.’
‘It’s just…’ He was trying to think clearly. ‘Life can sometimes throw you a shitty hand and we’re supposed to come out of it unscathed, a better person, but how can we? When we’re damaged, we’re damaged. We can’t be fixed and no one and nothing can change that. We just have to get on with it. It’s fucking crap!’
‘A philosophical lunch,’ grinned Sean, putting a comforting arm around his shoulder. ‘So if that gorgeous bird wasn’t Angela, who was she?’
‘The worst tap dancer in the history of mankind, that’s who she is.’
‘It was a bad time,’
… said Justin. They were sat around the dining table at their mother’s flat on Sunday. ‘You were in rehab, Aloyna was heavily pregnant then we got the news that they were involved in a car crash.’ He glanced over at his son playing with Grace. ‘Can you imagine how she felt when she wakes up months later to find out that her children had been killed? I can’t imagine what she went through. And Paul takes his own life because he can’t cope.’
‘That’s why she’s the way she is?’ asked Kit, glancing at his own child and not being even to contemplate if anything happened to her. ‘I thought my life was a car crash.’
‘Hers was, sadly. We called our son Mylo because Sasha told us about the clinic and I wanted to give her something back, even if it is only very little. The school had been going for only a couple of years so we weren’t making that much money. Her ex was a really nice guy but he was a handful.’ Justin started to look upset and took a deep breath. ‘Florence came to the classes since the school opened and Mylo came to the baby dance. It was a shock to everyone when we found out. About eighteen months later, Sasha returns. Not the same woman, a shadow of her former self but she needed to focus on something. And that’s tap. Don’t give her a hard time if she can’t do it. As well losing her children, she sometimes loses her ability to dance.’
‘Are you talking about that poor girl?’ sighed Yvette, returning to the table with an oversized large Victorian sponge cake. ‘What an awful thing to happen to anyone.’
‘I know,’ agreed Justin. ‘Why the interest? You said Sasha spoke to you yesterday? That’s a first. She hardly says two words to anyone else other than me.’ He grinned at Kit. ‘She must recognise another lost soul.’
‘He’s not lost,’ scolded their mother, sitting next to Kit and grabbing his hand. ‘My baby son gave us a scare a long time ago. Now he’s back on track, looking gorgeous and healthy.’ Yvette leaned closer and whispered in his ear. ‘And hopefully with better taste in women. I blame the drugs.’
‘Mum!’ laughed out Justin, taking a knife and slicing through the cake. ‘Leave him alone. When he’s ready, he’ll find someone.’
‘Or not,’ shrugged Kit, watching his brother cut a large piece of cake for himself. ‘How can you eat such a big portion?’
‘I exercise,’ he replied smugly. ‘Plus I’m naturally thin whereas you’re prone to putting on a few pounds now and again.’
‘He’s cuddly sometimes and I love it,’ Yvette said, wrapping her arms around Kit’s waist.
He froze and realised she noticed it too but didn’t release her grip.
‘One day when someone holds you, even me, you won’t do that,’ she said sadly. ‘And when they do, you’ll know whatever wall you have has crumbled.’
Closing his eyes, he wanted to tell her to let go but knew it would hurt his mother. Her tactile nature made him feel uncomfortable.
‘Leave him,’ Justin said gently, handing Kit a piece of cake. ‘You’ll put him off women for life.’
‘Maybe he might be interested to read what I’ve been doing,’ Yvette said cheerfully, walking off towards the study. ‘That might heat him up.’
‘You’re writing porn?’ asked Kit.
‘Erotic literature!’ his mother fired back.
‘I wish Aloyna was here, then at least she can pretend to look interested in her writing,’ whispered Justin. ‘Don’t criticise it. I did and only just managed to keep my ball sacks in the process.’
‘You think she thinks if I read it, it will help me?’ asked Kit, now aghast at his mother’s logic.
‘When you get a moment it might alight some passion in you,’ his mother said, briskly walking back towards them. ‘Read this. I think you will find your old mother is a talented writer. I’m thinking of putting some of the stories up on a blog to share with others. Also I can self-publish and get a wider audience.’
‘Okay?’ Kit replied and took the orange plastic folder out of her hand. ‘And why am I reading this?’
‘It’s about finding your feet in love and relationships.’
‘Porn?’ interjected Justin, trying not to laugh.
‘Erotic writing, like I said,’ came the terse reply. Kit immediately threw it on the table and tried not to grimace. ‘And love, never forgetting that key ingredient, which comes with trusting someone again.’
‘Mum, I really don’t think I want to-.’
The buzzer was being pressed. Kit watched his mother walk off towards the door.
‘You’re going to have to read it and then give her a critique. She made me do it and you have to suffer. Just tell her you really like it. That’s all you have to do,’ whispered Justin. ‘And it made you feel a little horny.’ Kit grimaced. ‘Oh, plus you understand the need for love and trust. Then you’ll be free from the tyranny of her creativity.’
It was Peter Tooley at the door to pick up Grace.
He noticed his mother pull a face as Peter walked in.
‘Hello,’ Peter said, going a little red on seeing them sitting at the table. ‘I didn’t mean to interrupt.’
‘That’s fine,’ Kit said, glancing at Justin who seemed to be focused on his cake. ‘Are they waiting in the car?’
‘No I dropped them off and came to get Grace. Are you ready darlin’?’
His daughter turned and smiled before tickling a screaming Mylo.
‘I’ll get her coat,’ replied Kit walking to his daughter.
‘Stop it!’ laughed Mylo, who looked like Gr
ace when he was little. ‘I’m going to be sick!’
‘Now that’s a good point to stop tickling him,’ said Yvette, grabbing her granddaughter and hugging her fiercely. ‘I love you very much.’ She pulled away and stroked Grace’s hair. ‘And I’ll see you after school for another tap lesson tomorrow.’
‘Yes grandma,’ she said, giving her a quick squeeze.
‘Does she have to go?’ moaned Mylo, standing up to hug his cousin. ‘Can’t she stay?’
‘Look soldier,’ said Justin, scooping his son into his arms. ‘We have to head off soon. Kiss Gracie goodbye.’
The little boy leaned out and kissed Grace on the cheek before laughing again. She managed to tickle under his arm pits.
‘Come on,’ said Kit, holding out her coat. ‘Put this on and I’ll walk you out.’
The young girl kissed everyone goodbye and held her dad’s hand. They walked out of the flat, towards the front door. Peter followed behind.
As they got to the pavement, Kit kissed his daughter then she went into the car.
‘Is everything sorted?’ asked Peter, avoiding eye contact. ‘With Mr Wilton?’
‘What has someone got on you?’ asked Kit, looking down at the pink cheeked man. ‘Or are you doing it for the money?’
‘What money?’ he asked, looking confused. ‘I’m not getting a penny. I owe someone a favour and they want payback.’
‘Which was what?’
‘Getting Mr Wilton to speak to you. You have sorted it?’ he asked anxiously. Kit could see the man was genuinely worried. ‘I was asked and didn’t know.’
‘The less you know the better,’ he replied then looked over at the car. ‘Peter, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. If anything, I mean anything happens to my daughter, I will kill you, you do know that don’t you?’
Kit stared at him and noticed the man looked straight back.
‘When you spent years, fucked out of your brains on coke, I made sure Kristin and your child were well looked after. You don’t have to tell me to protect the people I love as I will, including Grace. I love that kid as if she was my own. Are we clear?’
‘Crystal,’ replied Kit, feeling his stomach squeeze in shame and annoyance regarding his comment. ‘I never wanted to get involved in something dodgy. I’m not happy about it but, well, it’s a pretty strange set up. Do you know who wants this to be arranged?’
‘All I know is that they’re very high up in the business.’
‘You mean, your business?’
‘You don’t mess with these people,’ he whispered. ‘You do what they say because they have eyes and ears all over the place. Once you’ve done them a favour then it’s sorted. These guys just want you to do what’s asked, nothing more or less.’
‘They said after I do this then they’ll leave well alone.’
‘They will Kit. Just make sure you don’t fuck it all up or all our necks will be on the block.’
‘Are we going to get started?’
… asked Stuart, looking agitatedly at the clock. ‘I’m looking forward to coffee and cake.’
It was nearly ten past eleven and the class had greatly reduced.
Angela had gone abroad and Ingrid called to say she had flu.
This meant Kit didn’t have a rendezvous at lunchtime.
He was secretly relieved.
And Sasha hadn’t arrived.
‘Sure, let’s do the warm up. Circle the ankles and…’
He progressed through the usual routine and noticed the older ladies were anxiously looking at each other and then at the large clock.
‘Right, tap, tap, tap, tap,’ said Kit, as they bounced their toes off against the floor.
The door was flung open and Sasha ran into the class, her tap shoes already on.
‘Sorry,’ she said, taking off her coat and throwing it down.
He didn’t know what happened but Kit felt happy seeing her then remembered he’d been rude the last time they spoke.
Her red hooded top was zipped all the way up and her head was covered. She went to her usual place and followed the warm up routine. This time, instead of her standing there and just doing as little as possible, she was doing it properly. Kit could see the surprise on Stuart’s face as he looked over.
‘Have you been practising or aren’t you the real Sasha?’ the old man asked, starting to laugh.
‘Whatever,’ she replied and smiled.
Kit tried not to grin then realised Estella was looking at Sasha with great concern.
‘Why were you late?’ the woman asked. Sasha frowned. ‘I mean, you’re usually on time.’
‘Delayed,’ replied Sasha, concentrating on the warm up.
‘It’s quite annoying for Kit when we’re waiting on you, without even a call to tell us where you are,’ Estella continued in a friendly tone. ‘We thought something might have happened.’
‘Like what?’ Sasha stopped dancing and looked at the woman challengingly.
‘She’s talkative today,’ grinned Stuart. ‘Are you sure you’re Sasha?’
‘Unfortunately I am.’
The three older women discreetly looked at each other.
They went to the bar and did their tap and shuffle exercises, Sasha at the end. Kit watched all of them and noted it was quiet in the room, as if the older ladies had something on their mind. Bernadette and Alexandra were talking and laughing so was Stuart.
Sasha was ignoring the three ladies continuously glancing at her.
‘I needed some new tap shoes as these are scruffy and went to pick them up from West Ealing. They were late opening the shop so I had to wait then got the bus here. That’s why I’m late,’ said Sasha quite loudly, startling the whole class. ‘Nothing untoward happened and I’m sorry I held up the class. I’ll buy you all coffee as an apology afterwards.’
‘Goodness Sasha, I’ve never heard you say such a long sentence,’ said Alexandra, stopping her exercise to look at her.
‘Why aren’t you wearing them?’ Glenda asked, looking at Sasha’s feet.
‘Because I didn’t have enough time to lace them up. Now can we just concentrate on the lesson and less on me?’
Kit wanted to laugh. The older women nodded and carried on with their exercises, Estella staring at Sasha.
The class then began to pick up its usual amount of laughter and gossiping but Kit was discreetly watching Sasha, seeing she was concentrating.
She could tap but he noticed she wasn’t trying that hard but made the accomplished Bernadette look amateur. He knew she was holding back and wondered why.
They sat in their usual space, all huddled together in the coffee shop.
‘I’m telling you, she hasn’t gone for her husband,’ hissed Glenda, looking around. ‘She’s got a man out there. One of his colleagues.’
‘And how do you know this?’ asked Vanessa, shaking her head. ‘Did she tell you?’
‘No but I overheard her telling Ingrid. She’s no angel!’
‘Ladies, do you have to speculate?’ sighed Stuart, drinking a large hot chocolate laden with whipped cream. ‘It’s none of our business.’
‘But it’s fun!’ laughed Vanessa, winking at the man. He simply frowned. ‘We could have some fun if you want.’
‘Leave him alone,’ sighed Estella, glancing at Sasha who was sitting next to the window, looking at something outside.
Kit was also watching Sasha who was lost in her own little world, sipping a bottle of water. Suddenly she got to her feet, making Bernadette jump.
‘I’ll see you on Friday,’ she said and looked at them all. ‘Have a good week!’
She picked up a plastic bag containing her new tap shoes and walked out of the coffee bar.
‘It’s remarkable,’ said Alexandra, looking at Sasha stroll away through the glass windows. ‘She hardly says anything and now she’s talking. I wonder what happened.’
‘Something must have,’ grimaced Glenda, flashing a glance at Estella.
‘Sometimes K
it, when Sasha comes in it looks like she’s been through the wars,’ whispered Bernadette, putting her flapjack down. ‘It’s as if she hasn’t slept all night and then walks around like a zombie.’
‘Does she work?’ he asked, seeing the three older ladies look straight up at him.
‘Oh well, I can tell you,’ Alexandra said, leaning closer. ‘She used to be a sound engineer for a large production house in Soho. She was very good, worked on music videos, television programmes, isn’t that so?’
‘She’s very talented,’ Vanessa said and he realised her, Estella and Glenda looked tight lipped.
‘After the accident, well, she stopped for obvious reasons.’
‘When her kids were killed in a car crash,’ he quietly added.
‘How do you know?’ asked Estella, sitting up and putting her cup down. ‘Did Justin tell you?’
‘Sasha did,’ he replied and noticed all their shocked faces. ‘I bumped into her and we spoke. It was a little weird and she seemed in high spirits but she wasn’t drunk or on drugs. That last one she pointed out to me.’
‘She spoke to you?’ Estella seemed momentarily confused. ‘And she told you this? She never talks about it to strangers.’
‘That’s a good thing,’ said Vanessa, breaking out into a wide smile. ‘What else did she say?’
‘Nothing much other than how her ex died,’ Kit mumbled. ‘Quick chat and that was it.’
‘It must be you,’ said Stuart, licking the whipped cream off his lips. ‘She must see something in you that makes her want to talk and tap.’
‘I wonder what it is,’ Estella said out loud, sipping her coffee.
Kit thought the same thing.
‘Can I join you?’
… he asked, seeing Sasha was sat at her normal table watching ‘Singing in the rain’. She looked surprised. ‘I wanted to talk to you about your total transformation in class today and how it has left your fellow students in shock.’ She pulled off her headphones. ‘I said-.’
‘I heard you,’ she replied, scowling. ‘Why do you want to talk to me again?’