by S M Mala
‘But do I know you? Do I really know you?’
‘You do,’ she said, starting to cry. ‘You do know me and I know you. I love you. Won’t you listen to me?’
‘What if I go to the police and tell them what happened?’ he said, knowing he was pushing her. ‘Then what happens?’
‘He killed my children and their grandfather, drove my ex to his grave. Any other person would have shot him in the head but that’s not me. I wouldn’t do that!’ she shouted angrily. ‘That’s not what I wanted. All I needed to know is if he set it up and if-.’ She inhaled deeply. ‘He was the one that said he was sorry when I was out of my head on medication. Because someone told me they never intended to hurt me, Florence or Mylo but they did. I knew it was him but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t believe he’d do such a thing.’
Sasha had hurriedly got dressed, flinging his t-shirt to the floor and was still holding the envelope in her hand. Slowly she walked closer to him and stopped.
‘I could say the same to you, Kit. That you used me for sex and money, but I don’t think that at all. I know you’re not like that. I trust you and thought we had something. I know we have something. Don’t throw it all away because of this.’ The tears dripped down her face as she searched his eyes. ‘I came here to be with you. That’s what I want more than anything. Don’t you realise?’
He didn’t know what to say.
His mind was buzzing and he was at a loss on how to react.
‘You don’t want me in your life, do you?’ she whispered. ‘You don’t trust me at all. I thought I’d shown you that I’m the one you could trust, believe in and-.’
‘How can I trust you?’ he asked, watching her face crease in pain. ‘How do I know if we have a quarrel you won’t get someone to do the same thing to me?’
‘You watch too many gangster movies, do you know that?’ she said, starting to sob, shaking her head furiously. ‘It’s not like television or film, people don’t go killing people.’
The look on her face was the same Kristin used to give him when he couldn’t get it up.
Full of disappointment and frustration.
It triggered an old reaction in his body which he tried his hardest to hold on to.
Anger.
‘You know what?’ he said, standing up. ‘Can you go? Leave my home.’
‘Pardon?’ she said, her face confused. ‘Now?’
‘My family might be safe from Cameron but they won’t be if I’m involved with you.’
‘You really don’t love me,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘Was it all a lie? Is that it?’ Sasha let out a large sob and put her hand over her mouth. ‘I could tell. I saw it in your eyes when we made love, the uncertainty.’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ turning away, knowing he’d been caught.
‘It did cross my mind you had doubts but I thought you wouldn’t have, not with me.’
‘And I thought you’d be the last person in the world that would be a murderer.’
‘I’m not a murderer!’ she shouted out loudly, shaking her head quickly from side to side. ‘And shame on you for thinking that. I was protecting you since this all happened, can’t you see? I was scared Cameron might hurt you like he did to other people I loved. I was trying to protect our future.’ Sasha’s shoulders slumped and the expression she worn when he first met her reappeared. ‘I’ve made a mistake, haven’t I?’
‘I still can’t get my head around this,’ he said calmly, though he was shaking violently inside, both from what he was saying and also the thought he was throwing her away.
‘It shouldn’t really matter if you truly care and trust me,’ she said, putting on her large hoodie. ‘I thought we could start a life together, be a couple. I really wanted that to happen, have a future with you. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to focus on, to get me through this mess.’
It was very powerful, the tears that sprung to his eyes and the twist in his chest.
‘I won’t come back,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t this time.’
‘Is that some sort of emotional blackmail?’
‘I’m told you before if you told me to go, I would. I won’t return.’
‘That’s your decision.’
‘You’ll find, it’s yours.’
She stood still and stared at him.
Kit didn’t know what to think, what to do.
‘Who was I trying to kid?’ Sasha whispered. ‘I can’t have some sort of happiness, even with you. I can never have that again but…’ Looking at the envelope she half smiled. ‘I have other things.’
‘What’s in there?’ he asked, holding onto his tears. A panic started to build in his gut. ‘What did you want to show me?’
‘It doesn’t matter. It won’t make any difference now I know how you feel.’ She put it in her pocket and wiped her face. ‘It was good to see you again.’
‘Sasha, you have to see it from my point of view.’
She turned and walked towards the door, opening it.
‘You just don’t trust me. I now know you don’t even love me. I really wished you did, I thought for a moment…’ Sasha gulped hard and he could see the total look of devastation. ‘I got it wrong. I was never sure but I hoped,’ she said, over her shoulder. ‘I really hoped.’
Within seconds she had run out of his home and slammed the door.
‘Sasha, no!’ he shouted, following her down then flinging the door open, realising what he’d just done. ‘Come back!’
She was gone.
It felt like his life had ended.
‘The classes are growing!’
… laughed out Bernadette. ‘News must be spreading about your pert little bum.’
Kit smiled at the comment but his heart was heavy.
Four weeks earlier he had seen Sasha and couldn’t now trace her if he wanted to.
All he had been left with was a large amount of pain and remorse. Time and time again, he wished he hadn’t opened his mouth, been so judgemental.
She was crushed by his comments and accusations. If ever he regretted saying something, it was then.
All he wished for was to see her and listen to what she had to say. Not cast dispersions about her motives, if indeed she had any.
Even when he told Captain what happened his only comment was,
‘If it was your daughter, what would you do? Don’t judge her so harshly. She lost everything. That man took her future away and a big chunk of her life.’
That was the burning question.
What would he have done if he was her?
It was the threat to his child that got him involved in the first place.
He’d have pulled the trigger without any remorse.
The sick feeling started in his stomach again while he concentrated on the class. The sadness was something he’d not ever had to deal with before. It was how tearful he felt when alone. Constantly thinking about her. Wondering if she would keep her word and not see him again.
But Sasha hit the nail on head when she said he didn’t trust her.
Kit wondered if he trusted anyone. Maybe that was the problem.
It was hard. There were new students in the class as well as his old favourites.
Alexandra was there, being very open about her transvestite lover called ‘Gillian’ which amused Vanessa greatly and made Stuart grimace. Jane and Emma had joined the class, stay at home mothers who wanted to take up tap dancing again. Bernadette was busy gossiping to them and Estella still hadn’t returned.
He also noticed Glenda was exceptionally quiet, deep in thought.
From time to time, he’d catch her sympathetically look at him before quickly glancing away.
And then there was his mother who had decided to take centre stage.
‘The books are selling like hot potatoes on the internet,’ Yvette said loudly. ‘I’m not making a fortune but they pay for my classes.’
‘You don’t pay for them, Justin does,’ Kit mumbled and tried to turn up the mus
ic but was prevented by his mother stepping in front of him.
‘Why are you so miserable?’ she hissed. ‘Perk up will you?’ Then she grinned, looking down at his crotch before whispering. ‘I think everything else is.’
‘Leave me alone,’ he groaned, walking back to the front of the class, knowing she was trying to cheer him up.
Then he noticed his mother put on the tune that Sasha taught him the dance steps for.
He choked on hearing it when he remembered how he learned it, in between practicing and making love.
‘Turn it off!’ Kit said sharply and walked angrily to the player. ‘I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back in a minute.’
He ran out and locked himself in the small cubicle, knowing he was physically shaking.
Even if she had killed Cameron, Kit realised he still wanted to be with her.
But the thing that pained him the most was Sasha thought he didn’t love her. Something in him had prevented her from realising it was the exact opposite.
For once, he should have trusted someone and at the most important moment when they needed him.
But he couldn’t.
He knew that was down to his insecurity from the relationship with Kristin. It had damaged him more than he thought.
Kit couldn’t trust anyone.
Especially with his heart. Not even Sasha.
Wiping his angry tears away there was a knock on the door.
‘Are you okay?’ he heard Glenda ask. ‘Kit?’
‘I’m fine,’ he said, splashing water on his face. ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’
‘I’ll tell the others. Can we dance to that tune? We know the moves and can teach the new people.’
‘Sure,’ he said, his voice breaking.
‘And after class, will you join us for coffee?’ she whispered. ‘I’d like to talk to you, if that’s okay.’
‘Yes.’
Kit looked at his face. The hurt expression. He knew he was hell on legs since he’d last seen Sasha, taking it out on everyone but not Grace.
That was his only comfort.
Her staying with him for the past three weekend’s alleviated the pain of Sasha.
He returned to the class.
Vanessa and Glenda were at the front. Kit was happy for them to take over as he stood in the place Sasha would always go.
‘Are you okay?’ Stuart whispered, moving closer. ‘You don’t seem yourself.’
‘Things on my mind,’ he said, tapping Stuart’s shoulder. ‘I need a break.’
‘Glenda wants to meet you for coffee just with Vanessa and myself. You don’t mind do you?’
‘I’m not really good company at the moment.’
‘We can see that,’ he sadly replied. ‘Let them take over. You know they love the limelight.’
‘Are you sure that’s right?’ questioned his mother, not getting the moves in order. ‘Seems complicated to me. Kit? Are you sure they’re doing it correctly?’
‘It was taught to me by someone and they know it,’ he shrugged, joining in, seeing the women laugh.
‘Who taught you?’ his mum asked.
‘Sasha,’ Glenda replied,
Kit stopped and couldn’t speak due to the surprise comment.
‘She said you were rubbish at picking it up,’ smiled Glenda. Kit gulped hard then continued. ‘But had a lot of fun teaching you.’
‘Oh?’ Yvette said, looking knowingly at her son. ‘Is she good at tap?’
‘She’s amazing,’ he said, feeling the dead weight of pain in his chest. ‘The best.’
‘You don’t mind not going to the usual place?’
… asked Glenda. They were huddled in a small coffee shop, just them in the back. ‘Alexandra is happy to take Bernadette and the new girls. I wanted to talk to you.’
‘When did Sasha tell you about teaching me the dance?’ he asked, unable to make eye contact.
‘Kit, we can tell you’re upset. It’s understandable after what you’ve been through,’ she replied softly. ‘We wanted to talk to you. It’s the least we could do.’
‘What about?’
‘Sasha,’ Glenda said. Stuart and Vanessa glanced at each other. ‘I think we need to clear the air so you understand. I realise you saw her weeks ago and …’ For a moment, she looked uncomfortable. ‘She realised that her feelings were one way.’
‘When did you see her?’ he asked, trying not to get agitated. ‘And why would she tell you? Where is she?’
‘One bit at a time,’ she said, leaning forward.
‘We’ve known her since she was little, actually a baby. That’s Glenda and me,’ said Vanessa, emptying three sugar sachets into her cup. ‘You tell him.’
‘I was married to Sasha’s father and I’m her step mother,’ Glenda said. Kit sat back in astonishment. ‘I know it’s not what you expected to hear but we needed to keep an eye on her, make sure she was safe.’
‘I-.’ He didn’t know what to say.
‘I know, I thought it was a little strange,’ said Stuart apologetically. ‘I only found out how they were all connected recently. Please listen to Glenda, she’ll explain.’
‘Listen,’ he said, standing up quickly. ‘I don’t know what sort of game this is to you but I’ve had enough.’
All he could feel was his heart thumping fast and didn’t know what to do.
‘I know this is a shock. I realise the past few months haven’t been easy. We knew about it, you see. Had an inkling you were taking the classes to find out which one she was,’ Vanessa said, taking his hand and guiding him to sit back down. ‘It’s also been very difficult for us and not to mention her mother. Estella has been fraught with worry, thinking something bad was going to happened to her child.’
‘I don’t understand what’s going on,’ he said, putting his face in his hands. ‘I’m not sure what anyone expects from me. I’m just so tired.’
There was silence as he opened his eyes and stared at the ground.
‘Have I been set up?’ he asked, looking up at all three of them. ‘Was this whole thing a sham and I was being used to get her to make someone mad?’
‘That ‘someone’ being Cameron?’ asked Glenda, getting upset. ‘If that’s what you think, fine. No one realised you were going to get on. Not even Sasha. She’d lost all hope of ever finding someone again.’
‘We’re not together,’ he bluntly replied, feeling a surge of anger in his chest. ‘It wasn’t going to work.’
‘She said.’
Closing his eyes, he wanted to scream at the three elderly people sat around him. People who knew more about her that he ever did.
‘I can’t listen to any more,’ he said, the emotion bubbling in his chest. ‘We’re not in contact and-.’
‘You don’t want her, that’s what she said,’ Vanessa replied, quite loudly. ‘But we thought you needed to know the truth. You deserve that much.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘Like I said,’ Glenda interrupted, flashing her sister a disgruntled look. ‘I met her father and married him when she was a baby. We were a little family and I looked after her like she was my own. To me, Sasha is my daughter. But Estella was always around. Cyril and I knew the importance of her being involved. The woman couldn’t have coped with a child, not then.’
‘Tell him the truth! You had no choice!’ exclaimed Vanessa. ‘She was completely incompetent then she said her family would disapprove!’
‘Stop it! She’s a kind woman, a little lost when it comes to certain things but she has her heart in the right place,’ hissed Glenda.
‘Please ladies, don’t quarrel,’ sighed Stuart. ‘It’s been a nightmare with all the squabbling. Listen Kit, they knew something was going on with Sasha.
‘Whether it was the two mothers’instinct, we knew something was wrong but Sasha never said a word. Kept to the story he was a friend. Oh, Estella found out some things about that man which would make your stomach turn. It was when Sasha tried to take her own life a
second time, she believed someone apologised to her for murdering the children.’ Vanessa gasped, as if shocking herself by making the statement. ‘Then Sasha thought she was confused but Estella didn’t think so. That’s when it all started, the digging around.
‘You see, Estella knew Cameron so well. Always said he was a shifty bastard and wanted everything Paul had. She suspected one of the things on the list was Sasha.’ The older woman shook her head. ‘When the accident happened it was Estella who said it didn’t make sense. We put that down to the grief of losing her grandchildren and Sasha being in intensive care.’
‘She wasn’t the only one that lost the children,’ added Glenda, looking upset. ‘It broke our hearts watching Sasha recover then get angry at everyone for trying to keep her alive. It was painful. Then the attempted suicides. That girl couldn’t cope. I don’t think I would have if anything happened to her.’ She started to cry. Stuart put a comforting arm around her shoulder. ‘Don’t think badly of her, please.’
‘I’m sorry for hurting you,’ Vanessa said, looking at her sister and welling up. ‘It was us three that got into the house and took her back. I was a bit over zealous with the bat I had in my hand. I think that was down to seeing you in your underwear.’
‘You three?’ he said, now really alarmed. ‘Why’d you take her away? Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?’
‘Because when Cameron visited you, he had an inkling you knew where she was. We couldn’t risk that and had to remove her. They only got me involved as they can’t drive a van,’ shrugged Stuart. ‘I wanted them to tell you ages ago but, with what happened in recent weeks, they thought it was best left alone.’
Kit rubbed his finger across his top lip, closed his eyes and shook his head, hoping it would make some sense.
‘We went to the tap classes as we knew Estella wanted to see Sasha. Cameron would have been very angry and might have tried to stop Sasha from going, saying she was being manipulated by her mother. That was never the case but it’s only recently that we realised she suspected Cameron of being involved. He let something slip and knew it.’ Glenda took a large gulp of her coffee.
‘Were they together?’ he asked, immediately thinking she had lied about that.