Turning Point

by Georgia Hamilton

  I knew there was more to the story, I always knew she was keeping something from me, I don’t understand why she protected him. The man means nothing to me, he was never there as a father, he has always been a stranger. I couldn’t care less about him, curiosity is why I met him. He can rot in hell for all I care

  “Why not just tell me? It’s not as if it was ever going to make a difference in my life whether he was in Cuba or in prison.”

  I am not upset, I am not angry. I am numb. Emotionless. I don’t think I even care where he has been. What is he to me? A name and some eyes, that’s all. I have a father. I don’t need him. I have never needed him.

  “I didn’t tell you because I am the reason he was sent to prison, I informed the police of his activities, I told them what he was doing. At the time he blamed someone else for it, he refused to believe it was me, he could not believe I had betrayed him so badly. But he betrayed me first. He took our sanctity of marriage and exploited it in every city he visited. He is father to another child Rayne, a son. He fathered a son whilst he was ‘touring’ he never thought I would find out, but Trent told me. You see, I have known Trent for many more years than you know, we didn’t meet at work, he got me the job because we had been friends for 15 years before.

  He played in the band with your father, they were good, very good. People paid money to watch them perform. Mack had many affairs when they were on the road, one time he was not so lucky, and his carelessness resulted in the birth of a child. I threw him out the moment I found out. I divorced him. He tried to fight it, told me he had the woman put the child up for adoption. I didn’t think about it again until your brother came into your life recently.”

  OH MY GOD! The emotionless state I was in 2 minutes ago is now full on fear and anxiety. Shit no, this cannot be happening. I am going to throw up, I can feel the bile rising in my mouth

  “Are you telling me Connor is my brother, you sat back and allowed me to fall in love with my own brother – what kind of sick.”

  Trent interrupts Ma. He is clearly agitated by all of this. He looks sheepishly at me

  “No Rayne, not Connor. Although he is linked to this too”

  My heart eases a little. I don’t understand why Trent looks so worried, too worried, it is now worrying me. I anxiously ask

  “How does this relate to Connor then?”

  It’s Ma’s turn to speak, she seems to have composed herself. I notice how red her eyes are, how the delicate skin under them is sagging slightly. Her mouth is free of lipstick, her cheeks no blush. It is the saddest I have ever seen her.

  “Connor was associated with your father, Connor was at Mack’s house the day it was raided by the police. He wasn’t supposed to be there. Trent knew people in the Police force, they had been watching Mack for a long time, Trent did not want that young boy to be caught up in this, he managed to help keep him out of prison in return for my full testimony. I gave them everything they needed. Mack was a stupid man, he thought bragging to me about his riches, his gains would win me back. Idiota”

  I pull away from Ma, leaning back on the bed. “Well that is certainly different from he’s in Cuba! No wonder you didn’t tell me, Did Connor know this? Is that why he’s not coming back to me? You know what? Don’t answer that, you’ll tell me he has gone away and he’ll probably be back in jail” I feel like a bitch as I spit it out, but I can’t help it. I am now angry. How dare everyone be keeping things from me, thinking they know what’s best!

  “Rayne, you need to calm down and let your mother speak. I know you’re frustrated but this is not helping”

  I snort, I want to think of something to say, but nothing is sharp enough so I snort again.

  “It’s OK Trent”

  Ma gives him a reassuring nod and carries on with my bedtime story.

  “Connor did not know about your father, not initially. It seems Mack came back into your life to cause me harm, when he found out that you had a relationship with Connor, he targeted him. Connor came to Trent the moment he found out about Mack’s plans, he was scared you would get hurt, it was at that point we had to tell him the truth that the man he referred to as M was your father. He was as surprised as you are, if not more. He asked me how someone as pure and beautiful as you came from that evil monster. Once he knew who Mack was Connor agreed to work with the Police and get him locked up for good, he wanted him out of your life and mine, no matter the risk. Mack was still dealing in drugs even when his was inside prison. he never stopped. The man is guilty of many crimes, murders, inciting prostitution, weapons. Everything. He wanted to use you to hurt me, to get me back for sending him away. When he was unable to get you to meet with last night, he sent Leo to you. Leo was paid £20,000 to give Mack information on Connor and to deliver you to him. Rayne if Aaron had not shown up”

  Ma stops mid-sentence. The tears have a choke hold on her throat, and she silently sobs next to me, I want to reach out to comfort her, but my head hurts. I hurt.

  Why couldn’t she tell me. Why would she keep all of that from me? She put herself at risk for all these years.

  “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?” my intention was to ask, I thought it might come out as a whisper, but it doesn’t I yell it. I yell it so loudly Trent comes back into the room.

  I cannot look at him or Ma right now.

  “What happened? What happened to Connor??? Where is he? Has he been arrested too?”

  Trent steps forward to talk and I hold my hand up to stop him

  “Not you, no more protecting her!” I screech at him.

  “Rayne, this is not your mothers fault”

  I stand up now, my anger spilling over, my own tears are blinding me, clouding my vision. Frustration blinding me, anger the only emotion I can feel. Empathy is not in the building.

  “Like Fuck it’s not.”

  Ma is sobbing into Trent’s embrace, he is stroking her back, calming her, reassuring her.

  “RAYNE! This is a shock to you, I appreciate that, but in this house, you will show your mother nothing, but respect do you understand”

  I grit my teeth and repeat my question

  “Where is Connor?”

  “he’s gone away until this blows over, he worked with the police from the start. He is exempt from any charges or involvement.” Trent reals the information off like he’s telling me he nipped to the shop.

  “He’s gone”

  I want to see him, to speak to him. I need him.

  “Yes, I don’t know where exactly, he said he needed to get away from it all. It was too much for him to deal with. He was scared Rayne.”

  I need to get out of here, I need to leave. I cannot be here.

  “He was scared so he ran away? I thought he was more of a man than that, fucking coward”

  I don’t really mean those words, he’s not a coward. But he has gone.

  “Rayne”

  I hold my hand up again.

  “I can’t do this right now, I need to leave”

  I head out of the house, its stifling me, the hallways which are usually so large and grand are closing in on me as I run down the stairs. I can’t breathe. Its only when I get to the hall, I see Paige and Aaron waiting for me.

  “let’s get you home”

  Aaron drops Paige and I to my house, I head straight to the kitchen, I need a drink.

  I pour us both a glass of wine and drop into a stool at the breakfast bar. Paige throws her arm around me, the weight of the last 24 hours is so heavy on my shoulders, I have to rest my head on the cool surface. I am pulled back to last night to the bar, the feeling of helplessness, the missing pieces of the night still absent from my memory. Nothing makes sense any more.

  I didn’t know I was capable of anymore tears, but they are here. My soul is wrung out from exhaustion and confusion.

  “Let it out Rayne, let it all out”

  So, I do, I cry, I sob, I get angry, I cry some more. The cycle of pain seems never ending

  Paige is a rock, she is w
hat I need.

  When I finally stop crying, she starts to ask gentle questions, helping me talk through this minefield that has become my life. At some point, she has ordered food, we’re sitting on the sofas when the doorbell rings

  “I’ll get it” She is up and to the door before I can acknowledge her.

  “Rayne there is someone her to see you”

  My heart skips, Connor.

  “Sugar tits”

  Its Leilani. I have never been more disappointed to see her in my life

  She plonks down next to me and kicks her legs underneath her. It is the longest I have gone without seeing her. She looks different. Her usual feisty stare and glamourous appearance isn’t there. She is in what looks like a man’s jumper, probably one of her brothers and a pair of white jeans. Her hair is in a high ponytail, not scrap of make up to be seen, just her dark blue eyes and warm smile.

  I lean into her and she holds me.

  “I’m going to leave you guys to it” Paige starts to head out

  “No! Stay please. I want you to stay”

  Leilani gives her a wink and she sits back down.

  “Leilani, what am I going to do?”

  “About what Sugar? There is nothing you can do, it’s over now, done. Slowly you just need to come to terms with it all and I promise you, you can move on”

  Her words puncture me. Move on? As if it is that easy. How do you move on from this, I can’t just forget him? I love him.

  A second wind of realisation sweeps over me. I don’t do losing and I am not about to lose him. Not without a fight. I feel victorious, so I stand to try and punctuate my next statement

  “I don’t want to move on, I want him. I need him”

  Leilani looks at me in surprise. “You mean Connor?”

  Who the hell does she think I mean?

  “yes Connor, I need to find him.”

  Her eyes no longer meet mine

  “He doesn’t want to be found, we’ve tried already. Nobody know where he has gone”

  That knocks me straight back onto the sofa.

  “not even Beatriz?”

  “Beatriz?” Leilani asks, puzzled. If she hasn’t spoken to her, then I need to

  “I need your car keys, Bea will know where he is”

  “Rayne, you cannot go anywhere right now, and you sure as hell am not driving my car in this state. I will ask Guy to go and see Beatriz, I didn’t even think about her, when Aaron said Connor had resigned and left everything at the office, I didn’t think we knew anyone else who could help”

  He’s resigned? Left his job. He loved that job. I hoped he had loved me.

  “He really has left, hasn’t he?”

  Leilani nods, and the tears start again, “He needs to come back, to come home.”

  Leilani pulls me in tighter. “He means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”

  “State the fucking obvious Lani, he put himself out there to protect me and Ma, he’s left the only life he has ever known for us. If that’s not a man worthy of my love, then I don’t know who is”

  Her filthy laugh makes me shake, it’s like a rumble of thunder, instead of a downpour of rain, her laugh emits rainbows

  “You love him huh?”

  “Completely”

  Saying it out loud only makes it real. Connor is everything I want. Everything.

  “Well we better find the shmuck before you change your mind”

  No chance of that

  An hour later, Leilani’s phone rings

  “Hello… yes... hold on”

  “It’s Beatriz” She mouths

  Shakily I take the phone

  “Hello Beatriz, thank you for calling”

  “Rayne, you sound so sad. I won’t ask how you are, I can feel your pain from here, I do not have long, and I have made Connor many promises, he is safe. I will not say he is fine because he is hurting as much as you. He has asked me not to share his location with anyone, or his number, not until he is ready, and I must respect that.” She is throwing out the words so quickly, not because she believes what she is saying I fear it is to get me off the phone. Quickly.

  “Will you tell him we spoke, please tell him that I care, that I miss him, that I l...”

  She stops me short – that is happening a LOT today.

  “Oh no Rayne, you must tell him this yourself”

  “But how? He won’t speak to me, I don’t know where he is? He is such a complicated man. I had planned a special night for us, last night we were supposed to be together, he was supposed to be here now”

  Beatriz is silent, I can hear her brain ticking, deciding whether to give me his details or not. I have an idea, but I don’t know if Beatriz will go for it

  “I know it’s difficult for you Beatriz, I understand he needs space and I am willing to give him as much as he needs, but I want him to know I will be here for him when he gets back. If I send you something will you make sure he gets it?”

  Beatriz gives me a small laugh. “Yes, send it to me and I will send it on”

  “perfect! Thank you, Beatriz,”

  “My pleasure, and Rayne, call me Bea, my family all call me Bea”

  “Thanks Bea. I owe you”

  Leilani and Paige are practically in my mouth as I put the phone down.

  “So, what are you sending?” Paige is wide eyed in anticipation

  “A message that only he will understand”

  Leilani squeals in excitement and Paige is jumping up and down like a rabbit on speed.

  Before I do any of that, I know I have to apologise to Ma and Trent. Once that’s done operation Connor is in full effect and I know just the way to do it.

  Connor

  When Bea suggested I come to lie low for a while, I didn’t know what to expect.

  Her apartment is beautiful. It is about 5 minutes from the beach with panoramic views across this side of the island. I am sitting in the terrace, watching the world go by. The terrace is huge, fully tiled wrapped around the whole apartment. The doors from the master bedroom lead out to the hot tub, I laughed when I saw it, my instant thought was Bea was a bit of a freak having easy access from the tub to the bed. I then quickly realised it was the widest part of the terrace and had the outside tap. No kink just convenience. I buried my thoughts in to the bottle of vodka shortly after as my head filled with images of Rayne. I wanted her here so badly. She would love it here. The days are filled with sun, the ocean a stone throw away, it’s a surfer’s paradise. The old town is small and quaint with restaurants, a few shops and a handful of bars. The surfers that come here are as much a part of the town as the residents.

  I keep visualising her here. I swear I have seen her a thousand times - she the last thing I think of every night and she is there when I wake up, the image of her. I want to call her, I want to hold her. I regret not speaking to her before I left. Fitz asked me not to, he wanted to speak to her first to tell her everything. If I kept that from her she would never forgive me – not that I think she will forgive me now anyway.

  My laptop dings with an email it must be from Bea – she is the only one who has my new email address

  Hi Connor,

  I hope you are well my son.

  For years, I have tried to do the best by you, to show you the way forward. Sometimes you listen to me, and at other times you don’t. I want you to listen now.

  When I met Guilherme, people were against us, his father said I was from the wrong side of the ‘tracks’ my parents had no money, I had no education, according to his father. Guilherme decided he thought I was worth the fight. He didn’t stop until I agreed to go on one date. We were never apart from that day forward, the first night we spent apart was the day he died. We defied the odds, because of our love, anything was possible.

  I want you to know that I have spoken to Rayne, she has asked me to send you the email below. Once you have read it, defy the odds for me son.

  Speak to you soon

  Bea x

  I lift my lapto
p off the dining table and head outside to the seating area. The sun is setting to right, I can hear the ocean lapping in the distance. I hover around the bottom of Beas email. Rayne has been on my mind continually since I got in here, I have tried to keep my mind occupied but she consumes my thoughts. She’s everywhere I don’t want her to be and not where I need her to be. Here with me that’s where she needs to be.

  I inhale my first beer whilst procrastinating over whether to read Raynes email or not. By the time I grab myself a third one, I am ready to see what she has got to say

  Connor... I am no good as this writing thing.

  That’s it? That’s what she has to say. I am about to close the email when I notice a web ink at the bottom. It’s a Soundcloud link.

  I crank up the speakers, throw myself back in the lounger and wait

  The voiceover is one I know well – sexytime

  DJ Milktray starts the show off

  “Good evening, Good evening it’s your boys Sweet Boy Entertainment in the house – it’s a full house in here tonight; D Warner, DJAYR, T21 we are all here. What’s the occasion you ask? D Warner wanna fill them in?”

  “Yeah so, I got a message on Social Media from someone who wanted our help, now we don’t proclaim to be love doctors but we’ll give anything a try, once. So basically, let’s call her Sunshine, Sunshine wants to get a message to her man, they’re having a few communication issues and she’s asked nicely if we can help. Its not something we have done before but its good to talk – so the first half an hour belongs to her – DJAYR you ready?”

  “Always”

  “T21 give us the intro”

  “and I quote... “This first song you played me when you first introduced me to this very radio show – you said the lyrics were as though usher wrote it for you about me”

  Usher – Seduction I know that intro anywhere... For the first time in 7 days I smile.

  The next few songs, are ones that we have listened to together or played to each other

  Janet Jackson – That’s the way love goes, I played this to her in the car on the way to Bea’s, I told Rayne her hair reminded me of Janet’s in this video. She laughed then sang every day word. How I drove in a straight line with her singing oh baby don’t stop, don’t stop, go deeper baby deeper. I still don’t know…