The Night Olivia Fell

by Christina McDonald

  His words were casual, teasing, but there was a weird look in his eyes I’d never seen before. It was time to tell him the truth, I decided.

  I swallowed hard, working out the right words to say. I’d never broken up with someone before. I didn’t want to hurt Tyler’s feelings, especially with all he’d been through lately.

  Tyler dropped onto the couch and reached for me. “Come here. I haven’t seen you in weeks, and we’ve barely even spoken lately. Why are you so far away?”

  I scooted a few inches closer, a sickening lump pulsing in my stomach. It felt like I was betraying Derek, even though technically I was betraying Tyler by being with Derek. God, I’d made such a mess of things!

  “How’s your dad?” I asked, hoping to distract him from holding me. “And Seattle? Do you like living there?”

  Tyler scowled and shook his head. He pressed his knuckles against his knees until they cracked loudly. I cringed.

  “I hate it. I’d stay at my mom’s, but I can’t stand being around her. She’s sucking up so hard-core, like that’ll make it any better. She bought me some golf clubs and said she’s taking me to Barbados for Christmas this year, but I hate her. She’s the one who cheated, fucking bitch.” His eyes blazed with anger. I’d never heard him speak that way about his mom and I pulled away, feeling uncomfortable.

  “Every day I just sit in my dad’s apartment,” he complained. “I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to talk to. And when my dad comes home, he goes straight to his computer, so it’s not like we even talk.”

  He sagged against the couch, the anger seeping out of him. “I’m alone all the time. I don’t have anybody to hang out with. It’s fucking boring.” And to my utter horror and embarrassment, Tyler suddenly started crying.

  I’d never seen Tyler cry before. Hugging him seemed like the only option, so I put my arms around his shoulders and patted his back.

  I laid my head on his shoulder and turned my face so he wouldn’t see me. He smelled of mint and evergreen trees, the Axe body wash I knew he used. It was simultaneously familiar and also super annoying. A pocket of irritation gathered in my belly.

  “You’re the only person I want to be with, Liv.” Tyler dashed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Everything’s so shitty right now. Being with you again when school starts is the only thing getting me through. I don’t think I’d be able to live if I didn’t have you.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I murmured, squeezing my eyes shut. He didn’t know how much.

  A secret surge of selfishness churned in me. I couldn’t break up with him now.

  × × ×

  Tyler left after a while to go golfing with his mom.

  I worked in the garden the rest of the morning, weeding and planting new vegetables, until my mom called at noon, then I headed over to Derek’s. I sneaked in the back way—through the gate and into the backyard—and was about to tap on his door when I felt the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand up. The hot, prickly sensation of somebody’s eyes blistered against my back. I looked over my shoulder, but there was nobody there. The yard was completely empty. Just behind the fence a forest of evergreens waved lazily in the breeze.

  I tried to shake off the feeling. I peered around the edge of the house at the gate. It was open about three inches. I couldn’t remember if I’d shut it when I came in. My heart leapt to a gallop in my chest.

  A text message pinged loudly from my back pocket, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

  When I opened it, it was a picture of my face, bloody intestines vomiting from my mouth. My eyes had been whited out.

  Fuck you! was scrawled across it.

  Goose bumps prickled along my skin, and my mouth went dry and dusty, terror clawing at the back of my throat. I looked behind me, suddenly terrified that someone was watching me.

  I crept up the yard’s slight incline, breathing heavily. I stuffed my phone in my pocket and pressed my back against the bushes that lined the fence, letting the shadows swallow me as I moved toward the gate.

  Once there, I counted in my head, wiggling my fingers tensely against the smooth wooden handle: One, two, THREE! I threw open the gate and looked around, out the front yard, up and down the road.

  There was nobody there. The suburban neighborhood was as quiet as you’d expect in the middle of a weekday. A lawnmower buzzed somewhere down the street; a sprinkler threw staccato arcs on the neighbor’s front yard; the sound of children laughing came from across the street. A bird called from somewhere above me.

  My hands shook and my heart banged painfully in my chest. I sucked in deep breaths of soupy summer air and bent over, pushing my head between my knees. It took me a few minutes to stop trembling. This was ridiculous. Of course I wasn’t being watched.

  Get a grip, Olivia.

  These stupid fucking picture messages. They were really freaking me out. I didn’t have enemies. Not that I knew of, anyway. The only person who disliked me was Tyler’s friend Dan. But sending anonymous messages wasn’t Dan’s style. If he had anything on me, he’d confront me in front of Tyler just to humiliate me as much as possible.

  I stood straight and rolled my shoulders, my body tingly with adrenaline. I pulled the gate closed, making sure it was latched this time, and retraced my steps down the yard to Derek’s door.

  Once I was safely inside Derek’s room and sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, I felt better. I decided I’d blown the weird, creepy feeling of being followed out of proportion.

  Derek grabbed two Cokes from his mini fridge, handing me one as he sat next to me on the edge of his bed.

  “I saw Tyler this morning,” I said. Our feet were entwined, and I could feel the warmth of his body stretching along the side of my leg.

  Derek froze, the hand that held his Coke halfway to his mouth. “Really? Where?”

  “He showed up at my house. He woke me up. It was weird. He’s never done that before.”

  “Did you break up with him?” he asked.

  “Well . . .” I slid my fingers back and forth along the slippery metal of my bracelet, fumbling over the truth.

  Derek set his Coke down on his bedside table. “You didn’t.” It was a statement, not a question.

  “I’m sorry!” I defended myself. “He started crying and I didn’t know what to do! I just thought I should wait until he’s a little . . . better.”

  “Shit, Liv.” Derek ran a hand through his dark curls, pulled away from me, and stood. I felt cold where his body had been. “We can’t keep hiding this. I don’t even like hiding it from Madison, but at least I get it. Why are you having such a hard time breaking up with him?”

  “He’s fragile right now. Besides, he made it sound like the only reason he isn’t throwing himself off a bridge is because of me. I don’t want him to hurt himself.”

  “He’s not going to hurt himself, Liv. He’s manipulating you!”

  Derek crossed the room to stare out the window. He was silent for a long moment, his back to me.

  “I can’t be with someone who’s embarrassed to be with me. I get enough of that from my family.”

  I stared at him, feeling lost. He was less than an arm’s length away, but it might as well have been miles. The sadness in his voice made me ache.

  “Derek—” I began, but just then the door upstairs crashed shut.

  Derek’s and my eyes collided.

  Madison was home.

  25

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  july

  “Hello?” Madison shouted from upstairs.

  Shit, shit, shit! How would I explain my presence in Derek’s bedroom?

  What do we do? Derek mouthed.

  I lifted my hands, palms up. I don’t know.

  I heard Madison’s footsteps in the kitchen above us and held perfectly still, hoping she wouldn’t hear us. My heart smashed wildly into the walls of my chest cavity. Maybe I could sneak out the back. But just then my phone beeped loudly. There was no way she hadn
’t heard that.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket just as Madison barreled down the stairs. It was another picture message. This time in front of Madison’s house. I was wearing the same clothes I had on now. My mouth went suddenly, sickeningly dry.

  I was right. Someone had been following me.

  In the picture a knife was drawn sticking out of my heart, blood dripping down my chest. The words U die! were written on it.

  “What are you doing down here?” Madison’s dark eyes met mine, hot with suspicion and anger. Her eyebrows were bunched into tight knots above her eyes, her cotton-candy-pink lips pursed.

  “Oh, hey, Mad.” I forced a breezy laugh. “I was just showing Derek this crazy picture message.”

  I held the phone out to her and she grabbed it, her face crinkling with shock. “Oh my God! Who sent that?”

  I shrugged, twin emotions of relief and terror surging through me.

  “It must be a really mean joke,” Madison said, handing the phone back to me.

  “Yeah, probably,” I agreed.

  Derek reached for my phone. His mouth contorted, twisted around words he couldn’t quite say. I tried to catch his eye, to apologize for not telling him.

  “But who? And why?” Madison said, her eyebrows scrunched up. “I can’t imagine anyone hating you. You’re so, you know . . . nice.” She smirked. “But, like, in a good way, of course.”

  “Of course,” I replied drily.

  It was so like her to wrap up a compliment in a cutting remark. But at least I’d completely distracted her from the fact I was in Derek’s bedroom. She’d kill us both if she found out about us. Once when we were kids we were playing capture the flag and I chose Derek for my team. She bit her arm until it bled and told her dad Derek did it.

  “You should tell the police,” she said.

  If I told the police, they’d tell my mom. And I couldn’t have that. I’d lose every drop of freedom she’d finally given me. Besides, maybe it was Dan or some weirdo at school pulling a sick prank.

  I laughed. “And tell them what? Somebody’s sending me mean pictures?”

  Madison laughed too.

  I changed the subject. “Do you want to go into town and get lunch?”

  She shook her head. “Sorry, can’t. Have to get back to rehearsal. I only came home to grab a sandwich.”

  I pretended to be disappointed as I followed her up the stairs. “Bummer. Okay, soon, though, right?” I threw a look at Derek over my shoulder, begging him with my eyes to understand. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.

  I walked with Madison down the driveway. I waved as she turned to go into town, then I ducked down a side street and circled back. Derek opened the door without a word, his mouth in a thin, grim line.

  I followed him meekly inside, ready to apologize, say whatever he wanted so he would stop being mad at me. I couldn’t bear that I’d upset him.

  “Derek,” I began.

  “Please.” He held up a hand. “Can I go first?”

  I nodded.

  “I get that you don’t want to hurt Tyler’s feelings, and I get that you don’t want to upset Madison by letting her know we’re together. I even get that you don’t want your mom finding out you’re looking for your dad. But don’t you think lying to everybody will just make it worse?”

  I stared at him, shocked. “I’m not lying,” I denied emphatically. “I’m protecting the people I love.”

  Derek shook his head. “You’re not protecting anybody, Olivia. You want to know the truth, but you’re not willing to be honest. Like with me. You didn’t even tell me you’ve been getting those messages.”

  “I thought they would stop. And then I was going to tell you but, I don’t know, I just didn’t want to worry you!”

  “But I love you!” he exclaimed, throwing his arms up in frustration. “I want to worry about you.”

  “You love me?” I stepped closer to him. A smile played across my lips.

  “Of course I do.” He stroked a finger down my jaw. “I promised never to lie to you, and I hope you’ll promise me the same.”

  I leaned against him, nuzzled my neck into the soft, warm spot where his throat met his chest.

  “I will,” I promised. “I’ll tell everybody the truth. I’ll break up with Tyler and I’ll tell Madison about us. I’ll even tell my mom I’m trying to find my dad. I just need some time, okay? This is the first time in my life I’ve been able to do things on my own, without my mom telling me what to do. I need to do this my way. Please.”

  I searched his eyes, begging him to understand.

  Derek leaned down and kissed me. His chest warmed mine, and I felt his pulse thrumming through me. I opened my mouth to him, pressed my body along his. I felt his resistance melt as he folded me in his kiss.

  “Promise me,” he murmured against my lips.

  “I promise.”

  His hands slid under my shirt, and as he traced each nipple with his fingers I gasped at the unexpected pleasure. We’d messed around a bit, but there was always this unspoken line we didn’t cross.

  I ran my hands over his back, his hips, down his belly. He moaned, a deep thrum in the base of his throat. His hands dove into my hair and under my clothes, and my breath became his.

  “Olivia,” he whispered urgently.

  “Please,” I murmured. “Don’t stop.”

  That was all it took to break his last barriers. He lifted me up, hitching me against him, and carried me to his bed, laying me down ever so gently. I trembled as he undid the button on my jeans, pulled my zipper low. I’d never felt this way before, as if my skin would burst into flames.

  “Derek,” I breathed. My skin was hot where his hands touched me.

  He lowered his mouth to rain kisses from my ear to my jaw, down to the hollow of my throat.

  The fire between my legs spread throughout my body. He moved his hands slowly down my stomach. His fingers caressed me, stroked inside of me, memorizing my body until I felt I would scream from the ecstasy. I curled my fingers into his back and thrust my hips up, wanting more of him.

  He slipped my jeans off my ankles, then kicked his off, and we were side by side, naked as our need for each other. I felt vulnerable suddenly, laid bare by this need.

  But Derek knew my thoughts before I did.

  He bent over me and covered my face in butterfly-soft kisses, every one of them showing me how much he loved me, how vast that love was.

  “You,” he whispered. “I love you.”

  With him, I knew I would always find my way home. For the first time in a long time, I was clean, stripped of all the lies I was weaving, the lies that tangled me in a web of my own making.

  “I love you too.”

  × × ×

  We lay pressed together for a long time after that, his hand stroking my hair until I fell into that warm, velvety place between sleeping and awake.

  My phone beeped the arrival of a text from my jeans on the floor, jolting me back to consciousness.

  I slid off the bed and reached for my phone. If my mom messaged or called and I didn’t answer, she’d freak.

  But the text wasn’t from my mom. It was from Kendall, saying that her dad was working at home, and did I want to meet him?

  I showed Derek the text and looked at the time. One o’clock.

  “Do you think we could get there and back before your mom gets home from work?” he asked doubtfully.

  “Yeah, let’s go. I want to find out what he’s like. I can always tell her I’m having dinner with Madison.”

  He held my gaze for a second, his face looking unhinged. I saw right there what I’d done: my blasé disregard for lying was now obvious to both of us. I turned away from him and dressed quickly.

  It was fine. It was just a tiny white lie. It almost didn’t count. And if it took lying to get the truth, that’s what I’d do.

  26

  * * *

  ABI

  november

  I woke with a jolt, my bedroom stuf
fy and dark, the sheets soaked with sweat. A hangover thudded in my brain, a gift from the fifth of whiskey Sarah and I had finished at our mother’s grave last night.

  A graveyard was an odd place to start living again, but I’d found healing in Sarah’s words. And when you start to heal you can start living again. Not just existing, but actually living in the present moment, looking toward the future rather than looking back, wishing you could change what couldn’t be changed.

  The tones on my phone chimed, reminding me I had a meeting at the hospital at noon today. A handful of administrators, ob-gyns, and surgeons were meeting to discuss Olivia’s case.

  My stomach knotted into a bitter lump and emotion corded my chest. My health insurance had refused to pay any more and the cost of Olivia’s care was mounting at an incredible pace. Added to that, I was coming up to the end of my leave of absence and my boss was now sending me daily e-mails, oh-so-politely asking me to come back to work. And with only twelve weeks until the baby was born, I was running out of time to find the truth.

  I stumbled out of bed and changed into my running clothes. A few minutes later I pounded along the boardwalk. Fresh air hissed in and out of my lungs.

  On the way home I saw Sadie, Lizzie’s dog, nipping at the waves. Impulsively I jogged down the sloping dunes along the rock-studded beach toward Lizzie, who was huddled in a polka-dotted raincoat near the water. She picked up a bit of driftwood and tossed it; Sadie ran after it, splashing into the water, tongue lolling.

  “Hi, Abi!” Lizzie called as I approached.

  “Hi, Lizzie.” I had to raise my voice to be heard over the roar of the waves. “I just wanted to say thank you. For the orchid. And the note.”

  She pushed a wet lock of hair under her hood, water dripping into her eyes. “Oh, Abi. I wish I could do more than just send flowers. It must be dreadful.”

  “It is,” I replied honestly. “But the flowers mean a lot.”

  I turned to go, but Lizzie stopped me. “You want to get a coffee one of these days?” She looked down, blinking fast.

  “I’d like that,” I said, surprising myself.