Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  I swallowed, looking away again. What he said was true, but I wasn't so sure that was a good sign.

  "It's like, we're together even when we're not together," he continued.

  Even though I'd thought those exact words more than I cared to admit, it put a dull ache in my chest because that wasn't true for me anymore. When he was gone, I had my own life. It felt separate.

  Tristan sat up, studying me. "What are you thinking about?"

  "That it's been good for a long time. We're lucky."

  He nodded, looking intently into my eyes. "Is it still good?"

  I swallowed back the lump in my throat. "I want it to be."

  "Then, it will be," he said. "Next semester is just another chapter, Rory. It's going to come and go.”

  "I guess," I said. But this was the closest I'd ever come to bringing up this stuff, and I needed to just get it out. "But I think things will change."

  I waited for him to counter my words with his usual confidence, but he didn't. He just wrapped his hand around mine. Maybe we were closer to things unraveling than I'd thought. It wasn't an awkward or a hurt sort of quiet, but it cut deep, the inevitability of change.

  Even if things could stay the same, would I want them to? Would he?

  The sun went down. It wasn't quite night yet, and the world was leached of color. The ocean grew dark, shadows of waves cresting. Tristan leaned close, sliding his arm around my waist. "What are you afraid of?"

  "We used to be so excited to see each other," I admitted, looking into his eyes. “Sometimes I feel like we're losing that, and I think it's because we spend so much time apart.”

  Tristan rested his chin on my shoulder. “I know I love you.”

  I closed my eyes. “I love you, too.”

  “And I know I want to come home to you when all of this is over.”

  I nodded, running my fingertips over the lines in his hand.

  "I know the dynamic's changed," he said. “But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Let's just take it day by day.”

  I let him wrap his arms around me, relieved I'd been honest. The following weekend he was back, surprising me at work the way he used to when we were both in high school.

  Naming the emotions we'd been dancing around for months must've shaken us out of our complacency, because Tristan started putting lots of effort into being present. For a while, it was like old times: days spent at the beach or taking long drives, watching movies in his room. I both loved and hated this stage of Tristan-and-me. It was easy to pretend like nothing had changed, but the fact that we had to try only highlighted that our relationship was not as solid as it had once been.

  When Tristan was in town, we kept to ourselves, which I liked. It lessened the chances of ending up in the same place as Skyler. Thinking that way made me feel disloyal, but I was at wit's end. I couldn't exactly control my feelings—not the waning ones for Tristan or the inconvenient ones for Skyler.

  After a couple of weeks, Tristan's schedule ramped up, and he started staying on campus during the weekends again. Besides a full course load, he swam for the university, and several meets were coming up. Half the time we spoke, he was falling asleep as a result of having been up since dawn, training.

  I was concerned for him, because he had a tendency to over-do it, but I didn't mind him staying in Miami. I needed space, because the more I thought about it, the more I realized we'd have a big decision to make before he left for England.

  With the boyfriend gone, I fell back in to my old weekend routines with Niki and Teigan. This meant hanging with the old crew, which meant seeing Skyler, like, all the time. I'd like to say that bugged me, but it didn't. Being around him reminded me of how much I'd cared about him once, and how much I still did. He kept the vibe friendly, respectful, but there was a distance between us. There had to be...because the way he looked at me was anything but platonic.

  He didn't smoke anymore. Maybe that was a direct result of military school, maybe he'd just outgrown it. He still drank, though, and he was a happy drunk. I secretly liked when he got going, because he lightened up then, and I'd see glints of the old Skyler. The immature, mischievous smart-ass who'd say one thing but mean another. “It's just the liquor talking, baby,” he'd say to Rocco or Kai or whoever else he was needling. “Relax.”

  By the time the girls and I got to Kai's one night, that liquor was definitely talking. Rocco and a bunch of college buddies crowded around a crusty, old table in the corner, playing Asshole. Beer cans and a half-full bottle of Patron wobbled between them. Skyler and Kai didn't look too much better, bickering loudly over a game of pool.

  "Ugh," Niki said, turning up her nose at the scene. "If they're drinking this early, we might have to go."

  "Don't be so dramatic," said Teigan, brushing past as she made a bee-line for Rocco. "At least give it a half hour."

  "We can play darts or something," I said.

  Skyler made a point to give me the once-over, trailing me from head to toe. I folded my arms, feeling naked under his stare, until Kai poked him with his cue,

  "Hey, girls," Rocco slurred, weaving his way over with Teigan trapped beneath his arm. "Wanna play?"

  "I don't like tequila," I said, remembering the one and only time I'd tried it. That night had ended with me puking in the parking lot of Niki's apartment building.

  "Come on," he whined, already wandering back to the card game and leaving Teigan behind.

  "Okay, maybe you were right," she said, wrinkling her nose. "He's trashed. They all are."

  Kai joined us, grinning. He didn't seem too gone, but he was good at holding his liquor. "You just gonna stand there all night? Come play a game."

  "I'm down," Teigan said with a nod. "Teams, right?"

  I wanted to beg out, but Kai thrust a cue into my hand. "You can partner with Skyler. He's already losing, anyway."

  "Thanks a lot," I said. Everyone knew I sucked at pool.

  "I'm going to call Finn before it gets late," Niki whispered.

  "Are you sure? You can play for me," I said. Skyler was on his way over to us, and I didn't want to deal with my topsy-turvy feelings tonight.

  "No, go ahead and play. I'll take over later if you need me to,” she said, already on her phone as she escaped the garage.

  "Hey, babe," Skyler said as I joined him at the pool table.

  Babe? "Hey, you.”

  He pulled me into a bear hug, lifting me off the ground a little.

  "You've been hitting the Patron, haven't you?" I wheezed, patting his back.

  "Hell no," he said, putting me down. "Jaeger all the way."

  I shuddered; bad memories of that one, too.

  He winked, but he was out of it, and it just made him look like he had something in his eye.

  Coughing back a laugh, I turned toward the table, where Teigan had just finished racking the balls.

  "We always did make a good team," Skyler commented, coming closer and winking again.

  This time, I laughed out loud.

  "What?"

  I rubbed chalk onto my cue. "You look like a dirty old man when you wink like that.”

  "Maybe I am a dirty old man."

  "Oh yeah?"

  He came closer. "Speaking of dirty old men, where's yours tonight?"

  "Tristan?"

  "Whatever."

  Teigan made the first shot, her striped ball sailing right in. Kai went, made his shot, and turned it back over to Teig.

  "He's in Miami.” Rocco whistled loudly from his side of the room, leering appreciatively at Teigan's ass. She ignored him, but she missed her shot.

  Skyler sidled up to the table and leaned over, sliding the cue stick between his fingers. Even drunk, he was coordinated enough to sink his ball. "You're up," he said, jerking his chin toward the pool table.

  I shook my head. "Go ahead."

  He yanked me over by the belt loop. "I'll help you."

  Memories of standing with him that way when I was fifteen flooded my mind, giving me a wick
ed sense of déjà vu. "You don't have to,” I said, pulling away. I lined up my shot the way Teigan had taught me, but I missed.

  "Sorry," I said, moving back as Kai came over to take his shot.

  “Don't worry about it.” Skyler leaned closer, his arm brushing mine. “So, do you miss him?”

  "I'm used to it, I guess." I'd meant to dismiss his pretend-concern, but I probably should have said nothing.

  "Well, that's no good.”

  I faced him, fed up with his insinuations. "What?"

  "That he doesn't have time."

  "He comes down when he can, but he's got a lot going on."

  "I can see that,” he said, returning to the table to shoot.

  This felt less like Skyler's drunken silliness and more like he wanted to get under my skin. Was it the liquor talking? Or Skyler?

  "Your turn," he called over his shoulder.

  I sank a shot. Finally. “Yes!” squealed Teigan, shooting her fist in the air and cheering until Kai complained she was rooting for the wrong team.

  "Nice." Skyler's hand lingered on the small of my back. "You didn't even need me."

  "Nope," I said, moving away from his touch.

  "Is it really that bad between us?" he asked, pulling me back toward him again. Teigan and Kai glanced over.

  Peeling Skyler's fingers from my belt loop, I met his bloodshot gaze. "Things are fine between us when you're not being touchy and trying to start shit with your questions!”

  He frowned, pushing his hand through his hair. It was growing back now, but it was still much darker than it used to be. "Start shit?"

  "Yes!"

  Kai spoke up. "Um, you guys still playing, or...?"

  "Go ahead," I called back.

  "How is asking you about that guy starting shit?" he asked. "Maybe you're just sensitive."

  "Or you're insensitive."

  "Or you're pissed off because your boyfriend"—he held his fingers up in air quotes—"leaves you alone all the time.” Skyler's motives were questionable, but his words hit where it hurt.

  Irritation burned through me, making my eyes water. “Fuck you,” I whispered, shoving my cue at his chest. “At least he calls!” Yanking the side door open, I flew outside, nearly colliding with Niki on the lawn.

  "Hey, what's up?" she asked, holding my arms. "You okay?"

  "Skyler's a drunken asshole."

  "Most people are assholes when they're drunk," she quipped, pulling me into the house. "What'd he do?"

  "He was being really touchy and flirty...”

  “Uh oh.”

  “Right. So, there was that, but then he started asking all these questions about Tristan.” I grimaced, remembering. “But he was being a jerk about it. Being mean."

  Niki pushed her hair over her shoulder. "Hmm. I feel like people get pretty honest when they're drunk."

  "Honest and mean."

  We wandered into the kitchen where Kai's sister, Nova, was making a sandwich. She glanced up, smiling when she saw us. "Hey, girlies."

  "Hey, Nova,” I said. “How've you been?"

  "Good, good.” She brandished a small butter knife, smoothing mayo over her bread. "Anybody want a sandwich?"

  "We're good, thanks,” said Niki, glancing at me.

  "So, who's honest and mean?" Nova asked, arching an eyebrow. "Voices carry, just saying."

  "Skyler," Niki said.

  “That kid...” She cackled, grinning. "What'd he do now?”

  "He was just being a jerk about my boyfriend.” It sounded so petty when I explained it, but damn, he'd pissed me off!

  "Aw." Nova brushed off her hands. "He's just jealous. Maybe he'll get a girl of his own soon.”

  My heart lurched at her words. Here I was, committed to one guy but harboring feelings for another, so much so that it would hurt to see him with another girl.

  She looked up suddenly, realization dawning across her face. "You still like him, don't you?"

  “It's complicated.” No matter how old I got, Nova Fox had the uncanny ability to make me feel like a little girl.

  "Can't say I miss those days." She grimaced, picking up her sandwich. "Um, turn off the lights when you guys are done in here."

  Niki and I looked at each other. The rage I'd felt downstairs had dissipated by now; maybe I needed to snap at Skyler more often. “Beer?” I suggested, opening the fridge.

  There was only Coors Light. We each took a bottle and returned to the garage. Skyler was on the couch, by himself. He sat up when we made eye contact, motioning me over. I hesitated, but eventually joined him, leaving a suitable amount of distance between us. "What's up?"

  He seemed contrite. "I'm sorry."

  I folded my arms, careful not to spill the beer. "Okay."

  "Can we talk?" he asked, standing beside me.

  Outside, the streetlights had come on. Skyler sat on the porch steps, patting the spot beside him. "I talk shit when I've been drinking." He sighed, ruffling his hair.

  "Really? Because I hear people are more honest when they drink.”

  "Yeah, that's probably true." He chuckled, leaning back. His shoulders were so broad now; he'd filled out a lot.

  "So..."

  "So I want to be friends."

  "We are friends."

  "Are we?"

  I smiled, shaking my head. "I don't know, Skyler."

  "I'm just going to throw this out there, then." He paused until I looked up at him. "I don't really want to be your friend."

  I tucked my hair behind my ears, waiting for the catch. "Why not?"

  "I think it's safe to say there's something here," he said, gesturing between the two of us.

  And there it was. The evening was warm and humid, but I shivered, wrapping my arms around my knees.

  "We weren't really friends before, either," I said eventually, unable to look him in the face. "I mean it was always so physical between us."

  "Come on, it was more than that."

  He was right. But it was funny he chose now to quantify things. "Maybe, but...I don't know. It was so intense."

  "What's wrong with intense?"

  I smiled into my lap. Who was I kidding, I loved intense. I craved it. "Intense is good, but it's not all there is, Skyler. You –”

  "What?"

  "You never wanted anything but the intense parts. I feel like I held my breath the entire time."

  "So now you go for the boring guys." He said it like he was teasing, but I knew he meant it.

  I gave him a dirty look. "Oh, so Tristan's boring because he doesn't smoke weed and party like a rock star?"

  "I don't smoke weed anymore."

  "You know what I mean."

  "Well, yeah. No. He's just boring."

  “You don't even know him.”

  “I know he's boring,” he said, cocking an eyebrow.

  "Maybe I like boring."

  "Maybe you like me."

  I covered my face, trying not to laugh. "You're still so full of yourself."

  He poked my side. "Okay, so he's not boring."

  I sat up. "No, he's not. He's great, and we have a good thing."

  "You trying to convince yourself or me?"

  "I don't like this side of you, just saying." I sighed. "Why do you even care?"

  "I don't know."

  My frustration started to boil over again. Skyler acted like he was better for me, but he was too stuck in his head to show me.

  "You told me not to wait for you," I said, unable to hold it in anymore. "And I know you didn't wait for me, so stop with this. It's just making things difficult."

  A group of Nova's friends walked inside. I wondered how we looked to them, if the energy between us seemed tense or intimate. Blowing my bangs from my face, I knotted my hair into a bun, but Skyler tugged it loose. "It's so much longer than it used to be."

  I nodded.

  "I like it."

  My stomach wobbled. "I'm glad."

  "I guess maybe we should be friends," Skyler said.

&nbs
p; Startled, I looked at him again. He was acting crazy with all this back and forth bs.

  But he wound his hand deeper into my hair, his eyes meeting mine. "I want you in any capacity."

  The Walk

  The front door opened behind us, and Niki stepped out. She came down the steps, fingertips grazing my shoulder. “You okay?”

  She was probably keeping tabs on us, but she didn't have to worry. I'd never cheated on Tristan and never would. And even if I was available, Skyler made me as crazy as he ever had. Things would have to be a lot different if I ever went down that road with him.

  Even though part of me was beginning to want him in any capacity, too.

  "Yeah. I'm okay." Skyler's hand loosened from my hair. "How's Finn?"

  Niki's eyes narrowed at my attempts to divert attention from the obvious. "He's fine. Coming back for Thanksgiving.” She looked out at the street. "I might go see him before then, though. "

  "Thanksgiving's in three weeks," I teased, but I knew just how she felt. As much as Finn and Niki road-tripped it to see one another, it was never enough. I'd felt that way about Tristan, once, too.

  "Long distance sucks," Skyler said, standing. "That's cool you're making it work, though. What are you gonna do next year?"

  Niki shrugged, studying her nails. The streetlights made her already dark hair look blue-black. "The University of Georgia's got a really good dance program." She looked at me, almost shyly. "I've already applied."

  I wasn't surprised; she'd been looking into schools with dance programs all over the southeast. Niki was as passionate about Finn as she was about dance, and I admired her for finding a way to have both. I wouldn't choose if I didn't have to, either.

  "That's great, Nik," I said, climbing to my feet. "And, you'll still be close to me. Sort of."

  Kai, Rocco, and Teigan spilled out the front door, arguing about their pool game. “You guys ready to go?” Teig asked loudly. “Because I'm over this.”

  “Don't be a sore loser,” sang Rocco.

  We drifted to the driveway, Skyler and I straggling toward the back of the group. He tugged at my back pocket, slowing me down. "I wish you'd talk to me."

  My heart fluttered, conflicted. "I want to talk to you."

  "Can I come over later?"