Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  "He was upset, but he didn't seem all that surprised. I think he's felt it, too, in a way. He's in all these crazy classes, so he's always studying. He trains and competes, and now he's getting ready to go abroad..." I shook my head. Listing all of Tristan's current pursuits really put them in perspective. "I don't know how we thought we'd survive it."

  "You don't know till you're in the position," Teigan said sagely, exhaling. "I mean, how could you?"

  I shrugged, toeing a smear of red nail polish in the otherwise immaculate carpeting. "White carpet is really impractical.”

  "Everything beautiful is impractical," Teigan shot back. "Like relationships."

  I thought about that, and then realized how ridiculous what she'd just said was. "What?" I laughed.

  Teigan rolled on to her back, cackling. "You really think I'd say some shit like that?"

  I shook my head. "I don't know, but I need sun. Let's go swimming."

  By the time I got home, I was beyond tired. Skipping a shower was tempting, but I smelled like chlorine. It was bad for my hair and, it reminded me of Tristan.

  "Aurora?" My mother called out, hearing the front door close.

  “It's me," I called back, following her voice to the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, her laptop in front of her. "Hi."

  "Hi," she said, looking pointedly at the clock above the stove. "It's nearly eight. Is your phone turned off?"

  It wasn't, but it had been in my bag all day while I'd floated around the pool with Teigan.

  "Oh, sorry.” I said, pulling out my phone. Sure enough, it was blinking with several missed calls and texts.

  "You're supposed to call when you drive to see Tristan," she continued, but the reproach was gone from her voice. She narrowed her eyes, and for a second I feared she was noticing the red in mine. I'll just blame it on the pool water.

  "I know. I'm sorry," I said again, sitting down across from her. "It's been a weird day."

  "What happened?" she asked, returning her attention to the screen.

  "I broke up with Tristan.” I waited for the waves of sadness I'd been drowning in for a lot of the day, but they never came. Either I was still comatose from smoking with Teigan, or I was all cried out. Or maybe, and this is what I was afraid of, I was a heartless bitch.

  "Oh, honey," Mom said, looking sadly at me. "Did you two have a fight?"

  I shook my head. "I knew I was going to do it when I went down there."

  "Did this have anything to do with what we talked about?"

  “Yeah. It wasn't fair for me to have all these doubts and to tell you and my friends but never him. I knew if I didn't do it now it was just going to be worse when I did it later."

  She nodded. "How did he take it?"

  "He was upset, but he wasn't that surprised. I think we've both been dancing around it. He even said he'd considered asking me if I wanted to take a break while he was away."

  "You seem to be...okay," she said cautiously.

  “I'm...” I smiled a little, shaking my head. "I'm okay right now, but I wasn't earlier. I went to Teigan's when I got back...that's where I've been." I stood up, finally ready to be alone. "Sorry I worried you."

  "I understand. I really do."

  I went to her side of the table and bent down, giving her a quick hug. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

  "'Kay. I'll be here if you want to talk."

  Instagram was depressing. Snapchat was dead. I crept around Facebook, getting sucked into my cousin Clarissa's wedding pictures.

  I was tempted to call Tristan. I wanted to hear his voice, make sure he was okay, but for the first time, I couldn't. I couldn't call him. We were broken, and I'd dealt the final blow. If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't want him calling and confusing me. Or prolonging my discomfort. Or whatever.

  Teigan called around 9:00, asking if I wanted to go to the Stuart Sandbar the next day. I considered saying no, having already planned to watch movies and work on my journal, but that was dumb. I could be melancholy and introspective at the beach: sunshine was good for sadness.

  And anyway, according to the Weather Channel, we had just one more week of warmth before a series of cold fronts began rolling in. It was hard to resist the call of the beach, especially when the weather was sure to be gorgeous.

  "Sounds good...whose boat?" I asked.

  "You remember Jackson, right?"

  Teigan's step-brother wasn't exactly easy to forget. He'd grown up on Jupiter Island, easily one of the wealthiest communities in the country, and he was handsome, if you liked preppy, jovial frat boys. I couldn't take him seriously—he reminded me of Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Good thing, too, because he and Teig got along like oil and water.

  Regardless, he was close to his father, so he spent a lot of time with him, especially during the holidays.

  "Don't tell me he has his own boat."

  "Got it for his twenty-first birthday," Teigan said.

  "You're kidding me!"

  "Nope. It's a sailboat, but it's got a motor or something. I don't know. Anyway, he's bringing it up in the morning, so I suggested we break it in by going to the Sandbar."

  I hadn't been to the Stuart Sandbar since junior high. It was impossible to access without a boat, and since none of us had boats, we stuck to the regular beaches. “Well, I'm totally down. What time?”

  "Want me to pick you up?"

  "And be waiting all day? No thanks,” I said. "I'll come over around ten or something."

  "As you wish, my queen."

  I paused, chewing my thumbnail. "Is, uh, anyone else coming?"

  "Rocco said he might; I'll know in the morning. He's still at school right now."

  "Okay. Call me if anything changes.”

  No sooner had we hung up, Teigan called back. "Would it be weird for you if Skyler came?"

  I thought back to Friday night, to our conversation at Denny's. We'd cleared the air some, made progress. It felt good, less awkward at least. It was beginning to feel right again, being around him.

  "I don't think so. Just...don't be mad if I'm a little stuck in my head, Teigan."

  "Don't worry about it; you'll be fine,” she said. “The fresh air will help, you'll see.”

  “I'm counting on it."

  At a little past 10:00 the next morning, I rolled into the Chandler's circular driveway. Teigan opened the door, rolling her eyes as Jackson's sonorous voice boomed across the house. "He's preparing margarita mix."

  I laughed, kicking my shoes off at the door. "Tasty. We're bringing regular drinks too, right?"

  "Pssh, yeah. I'm not about to get dehydrated over there," she said. "You can help me fill the cooler."

  The blender snarled on right as we walked into the kitchen. Skyler and Rocco sat one end of the breakfast bar, twin expressions of amusement on their faces. Jackson had stationed himself at the island, surrounded by alcohol and mixers. A leggy, well-endowed blonde I'd never seen stood at his side, reading the back of a can of Coco Lopez.

  I thought that was for piña coladas, but hey—what did I know?

  "Hey, Rory," Jackson roared over the high-pitched whir of the blender.

  I smiled and waved, moving across the room to sit at the bar.

  Rocco leaned over, giving me a hug. "You okay? Hanging in there?" he asked, just loud enough for me to hear.

  Stiffening, I glanced over at Teigan. Had she spilled? I knew she and Rocco were thick as thieves these days, but she'd be hearing it from me later.

  "I'm great," I said, forcing a smile. "How've you been?"

  The blender finally went off, making it possible to converse without yelling.

  "We're going to the beach; how bad could it be?” Rocco grinned, sliding off his bar stool.

  "I'm surprised you came," Skyler said quietly, watching me. "I thought you'd still be down south."

  I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the counter. "Came back early."

  "Cool."

  Jackson appeared beside me, stuffing me into a c
ologne-y hug. "What’cha been up to, baby girl?"

  "I've – "

  "This is Saskia," he interrupted, swinging the blonde around so that she was tucked into his side. "Babe, this is Rory."

  "Hi," Saskia said, offering a cool, limp hand.

  "Hi," I echoed, watching Jackson saunter off. "Do you guys...uh...go to college together?"

  Her gaze drifted. "No," she said, wandering back to where her hero was pouring batch after batch of his liquored-up margarita mix into a giant orange cooler with a spout.

  Baffled, I turned back to Skyler, but he just held up his hands. “I have no idea.”

  Rocco and Teigan packed snacks while Skyler and I made sandwiches to bring along. There was nothing worse than being stuck at the beach, especially one like the Sandbar, with nothing to eat or drink.

  We set out just before noon. The sun was at its highest; white-gold and blindingly bright. My sunglasses barely helped; I wished I'd thought to borrow one of Teigan's old hats. Sitting near the bow, I closed my eyes and leaned into the breeze like the boat's figurehead, relishing the way the wind whipped through my hair. I hadn't been sailing or boating that many times, but it was easy to understand the appeal. The water was wide open, so endlessly blue.

  Teigan eased down beside me, handing over a plastic, red cup. With her long hair and strappy, purposely-faded one piece, she looked like a sexpot from the seventies. She poked at my cup. “Come on, drink with me.”

  I sniffed it, giving her a look. "Is this Jackson's concoction?"

  "Yes, but it's good. Really good,” she said, somewhat begrudgingly. “I figure if we drink early, we'll be sober by the time we get back."

  That made sense. Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to get a little tipsy. I took a timid sip, bracing myself for nastiness, but Teigan was right. It was yummy.

  "Is it..." I paused, squinting into the cup. "Strawberry?"

  "I think so." She giggled.

  I took another, longer, sip. “Maybe ol' boy knows what he's doing.”

  "So, are you feeling okay?" she asked, shading her eyes from the sun.

  I nodded, looking out over the water. The boat cut cleanly through it, leaving foamy white swells on either side.

  "You can talk to me if you need to," she said, poking me.

  "You sound like my mom," I teased. "Really, I'm fine. I think it's good we're doing this today. I need to do things that don't revolve around him."

  "You've always been good about that," Teigan said. "You've always done your own thing. It'll come in handy now."

  "I guess," I said, taking another sip. "Hey, what did you tell Rocco?"

  Teigan chewed sheepishly on the rim of her cup. "Just that you and Tristan were done. For good. I told him not to say anything to his brother!”

  I sighed, annoyed. “Why?”

  She cocked an eyebrow. "I thought you'd want to tell Skyler yourself."

  "No, why'd you tell Rocco?"

  "Um, I guess I was just trying to explain why you might be sorta out of it today?"

  "Teigan." I looked around, not wanting anyone to overhear. "What happened between me and Tristan is like...really personal. I love you, but please don't tell anyone else.”

  She nodded quickly. “I'm sorry!”

  “Seriously. It's way too fresh."

  "Okay.” She pouted a little. “Sorry.”

  "It's okay.”

  "No, it's not,” said Teigan. “You're mad.”

  "I'm over it,” I said, trying not to smile at the dumb face she was making. "By the way, the pouting works better on boys."

  She grinned, gulping down her margarita. "Yeah, yeah. You ready for another one?"

  "I'm not even halfway through this one."

  "Well, I need another."

  "Eat a sandwich first," I called, but she was already walking back toward the cooler.

  Nursing my drink, I glanced around the boat. Jackson was steering, while Saskia clung to his bronzed bicep. They reminded me of He-Man and She-Ra. Rocco was harassing Teigan, as usual, and Skyler was stretched out along the opposite end of the boat, headphones stuck into his ears.

  I turned back around and closed my eyes, grateful for the wind and the sun and the probability that it was going to be a great day.

  The Stuart Sandbar was packed.

  I'd gone there a lot as a kid. My dad loved to fish, and he'd had a little boat for a couple of years. Sometimes, instead of fishing, he took Mom and me to the Sandbar, where we'd spend hours. My main objectives had been swimming with friends and eating the snacks our mothers had provided. That was still the scene—I saw plenty of toddlers in floaties—but there was another vibe, too, one involving alcohol and skimpy swimwear. Half the boats anchored had sound systems.

  "This is reminds me of those cheesy Spring Break movies," Teigan muttered, adjusting her swimsuit so her butt wasn't hanging out.

  "Good call, Teigster," Jackson crowed. He'd cut the engine, and we were floating along, looking for a place to anchor.

  I got up from my spot and followed “Teigster” to the stern so I could put my cutoffs into my backpack. Skyler looked up, yanking his headphones from his ears.

  "We there?"

  "Yeah, we're here.” My heart tugged. He looked like a little boy who'd just woken up.

  "Did you bring sunblock?" Teigan asked, tugging my bikini ties. "I thought I did, but it's tanning oil."

  I snickered. "I'm sure Jackson would love some of that.”

  "Shut up, I know!" she whisper-giggled.

  I gave her the sunblock. "I need it when you're done."

  Skyler sat up, yawning and stretching.

  "Why are you so tired?" I asked. "Late night?"

  "You could say that.”

  Like I needed another thing to marinate over. I loosened my hair and looked over the side of the boat. The water beckoned.

  "Going in?" Skyler said, but I was already climbing over.

  And then it was just me, free falling, and cool, salty water.

  For a second, anyway. Rocco followed right after, holding on to a very squirmy Teigan, who was covered in white cream.

  "I wasn't finished, jackass," she screeched, clawing at him.

  I swam away from them, wanting a minute to myself. Not that I could have one. There were boats and people as far as the eye could see. We'd managed to get fairly close to the sandbar itself, so I swam ashore. A group of kids I knew from school had set up right nearby, and I sat for a while, chatting with them.

  "Ooh, you're getting pink, Rory," my friend Paige said eventually, pressing her finger to my shoulder.

  "Crap," I mumbled. I'd forgotten to put on sunblock and the sun was relentless. "I'd better get back on the boat."

  I said my goodbyes and waded back into the water, wondering what Teigan and the others were up to. Skyler probably thought I was a spaz, leaping from deck the way I had. More boats showed up by the minute, dumping people and floats everywhere. I even passed a floating bar.

  Back on board, things were serene. "Where'd you go?" Teigan asked, rolling onto her stomach. "You're starting to burn."

  "I know," I said, feeling dumb. "Where's the sunblock?"

  "I put it back in your bag."

  Skyler was right where I'd left him, only now he was eating a sandwich. And he was shirtless.

  Man, he looked good. His eyes went straight to my arms and shoulders. “Ouch.”

  "I know, I know," I huffed, slathering gobs of goo onto my body.

  Skyler watched, trying not to smile. "Need help?"

  "You have mustard on your chin," I said instead.

  "Let me at least get your back," he insisted, wiping his face.

  "You just want to touch me up."

  "For sure."

  I rolled my eyes, trying not to smile. "I used to think you were so smooth."

  His eyes met mine. "I am smooth. You're just..."

  "Used to it.” That was partly a lie, though. He still affected me plenty. I was just better at pretending nowadays.
r />   Still, he shut up. I tossed the sunblock back into my bag. "Want a margarita?"

  "Sure, why not?"

  I grabbed a sandwich for myself, eating as I filled two cups to the brim.

  Time had passed, and the sun's light hit the deck differently. We were in the shade now, thankfully. Too much more sun and I'd look like a tourist, red and peeling.

  Skyler sipped from his cup and watched me polish off my turkey-and-cheese. I was too hungry to care.

  "So, how'd your trip go?" he asked finally.

  "What trip?"

  "Yesterday.” He blinked. “You went to Miami, right?”

  My heart sank. "Oh. It was okay I guess."

  "Okay?" he smirked. "Okay."

  His reaction was no surprise, but it bugged me. He'd always been biased toward my relationship with Tristan, and why wouldn't he be?

  It didn't matter anymore, though. It was a moot point.

  "We broke up, actually."

  His smile died. I looked away, anywhere but at him.

  "Shit," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

  "No, you're not," I said, tracing my finger around the rim of my cup.

  "You're right," he agreed quietly. “I'm not.”

  We sat in silence awhile. Well, relative silence; all around us, people were splashing, laughing and yelling. Music wafted from different directions, creating a random mash-up.

  I wondered what Skyler really thought of me and Tristan breaking up, what it meant for him and me? Was everything just a game to him? Was the challenge gone now that the other guy had been removed? I didn't think that was the case. Skyler wasn't that big of a dick.

  And even if it was none of those things, if Skyler just wanted a chance, I doubted we were on the same page. Not yet.

  “So how come you haven't gone swimming yet?" I asked.

  "I'll go in," he said, shrugging. "So what happened with Tristan?"

  So much for changing the subject. "It's been a long time coming." I shifted so I could lean against the back of the boat. "But I really don't feel like talking about it." With you, I added silently.

  "I get it," he said, leaning back too. His stomach was harder than it had been back in the day. He'd always been lean, but now he was built—he'd grown up.

  I poked my own stomach. Nope, no washboard abs there. “What was that song you played?" I asked. "The other night?"