Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  "Why not?" he asked, stroking my hair again.

  "Because there was no point. You were leaving." His room was quiet. No music, no ambient noise from the street. Just breathing; his, mine. "I never got over you. Ever. I still love you."

  I looked up, into his eyes. I loved him so much my chest felt like it was cracking open. He had me now. Maybe, in a way, he always had.

  When he touched his lips to mine, it felt like a promise. No urgency, no desperation. I could have kissed him all night like that, losing myself in his arms.

  It was different now. Because it was love now.

  Crush

  Skyler shifted impatiently next to me. He'd come over for dinner, but now we were in my room, doing homework. Well, I was doing homework. He sat beside me on the bed, staring, while I worked through my pre-calc. The bedroom door was open, though, so there wasn't much we could get into.

  "What?" I asked, smiling as I jotted down the answer to number twelve.

  "How many more do you have?" he asked, craning his neck to see my notebook.

  "Like...ten more."

  He yanked my book and pencil away.

  "This is all I have left to do," I protested, trying to get my stuff back. “C'mon, Skyler.”

  Angling away, he hunched over, writing something down.

  "What're you doing?" Kneeling, I peered over his shoulder. He'd already answered the next problem. "Hey, I know how to solve these."

  "I know you do, but this'll be quicker."

  I tried to reach around him, but he held me off, still writing with his free hand.

  "I told you I had homework tonight." I stretched, satisfied at the cracking sounds my joints made. “You should've listened.”

  Skyler scribbled away, ignoring me. Just five problems to go, in a fraction of the time it would have taken me. "Show off."

  He grinned, eyes glued to the paper as the pencil flew across. I flopped back onto my bed and watched him, luxuriating in the still-new closeness and ease we shared. It had been just one week since he'd told me he'd loved me. Since I told him I loved him.

  One more week of texts and phone calls after dark, quiet conversations rambling from one thing to another. One more week of him sporadically dropping by the bookstore, staying just long enough so I knew he was thinking about me.

  The weekend had come and gone in a flurry of togetherness. Suddenly, I was right back at where we'd started, years before, feeling like it was never enough. I always wanted to kiss a little more, hang out a little longer, be a little more alone.

  Even so, it was fun being around friends. Our friends. I'd told Niki and Teig about what we'd said to each other, but everyone else seemed to take Skyler and me in stride too, as if our being together was no big surprise. On Friday, when we hung out at Kai's, no one even blinked when Skyler held my hand, or when we chose couch canoodling over playing pool.

  It was amazing how quickly things could change in a week.

  "Earth to Rory," Skyler said.

  I rolled to my side and grabbed my notebook. Each problem had been neatly, and knowing Skyler, correctly, completed. Kissing his cheek, I tucked everything into my backpack. "Thanks."

  He tossed my pencil on to my desk. "No more, right?"

  "No more."

  "Let's do something."

  I nearly argued that it was a school night, and that my parents probably wouldn't let me go, when I realized they hadn't pulled that in forever. "What did you have in mind?"

  "Let's just take a drive."

  I loved being in the car with him. It still had that new car smell, and windows so dark I felt protected and hidden from the world. It was so private.

  "Let me ask my mom," I said, freeing my hair from its ponytail.

  My mother was turning out the kitchen lights when I found her. "Hey Mom," I said, hesitating in the doorway.

  "Hey, honey,” she said through a yawn.

  "I'm just gonna go for a drive with Skyler, if that's okay?"

  She raised an eyebrow, looking pointedly at the stove clock. "Now? At 9:00?"

  "Yeah." I could have explained, but I didn't feel like it. I simply wanted to be alone with my boyfriend, even if just for a while.

  My mother wasn't stupid, anyway. She'd seen Skyler around a little more, lingering on the curb after dropping me home. I was pretty sure she sometimes by mistake/on purpose overheard bits of my phone calls to Niki or Teigan, too. We'd talked about it a little, but she knew to sort of leave things alone, and I appreciated that.

  She frowned, and I could almost see the wheels turning. "All right," she said eventually. "But not too late. It's—”

  "A school night. I know, Mom."

  "Homework's done, right?"

  Oh, it's done all right. "Yup."

  "Fine. Tell Skyler to drive safely, please."

  "He always does," I said, turning to go.

  "Right," she huffed. "In that car?"

  I returned to my bedroom to find Skyler nosing around the dresser. "Ready?"

  "Yeah.” But he picked up a bottle of lotion, smelling it. Seeing him do that brought back memories, for both of us apparently, because he said, "You smell different. Than before."

  I knew what he meant. “I stopped wearing that other stuff."

  "I liked it."

  "More than you like the new stuff?"

  "I don't know,” he said thoughtfully, sniffing away.

  "Did you know that the sense of smell is one of the strongest memory triggers?" I asked.

  "Hadn't really thought about it, but it definitely makes sense."

  "The other stuff reminded me of you. I didn't wear it for a while, and then one day I took it out to put it on, and it was like a punch in the stomach."

  He looked both fascinated and troubled by this information. "Wow."

  "It was crazy. I gave it to Leyla."

  "Remind me not to go sniffing around Leyla."

  I punched his arm lightly. "That was a really long time ago."

  "Yeah, I guess it was." His eyes searched mine. "Doesn't always feel like it, though."

  That was true. It hadn't felt like it at the time, but now it was hard to believe how quickly the time had passed.

  "So is your mom cool with you leaving?"

  "Yeah. She said to drive safely."

  Skyler grabbed his keys. "I always drive safely."

  "Ha, that's what I said. She didn't believe me."

  He walked out ahead of me, looking around. "Where is she?"

  "Um, probably her room..."

  "Good night, Mrs. Shepherd," he said through my parent's bedroom door. "Thanks for dinner."

  Mom poked her head out, smiling at the two of us. "Anytime, Skyler."

  "Bye, Mom."

  "Don't stay out too late.” Her eyes slid back to Skyler. “Take care of my daughter."

  “I will.”

  Not ten minutes later, we pulled into Skyler's driveway. "You said you wanted to go for a drive!”

  "We did go for a drive," he said, eyes dancing. "And now we're here."

  Not counting car rides, we hadn't been this alone since the week before. Anticipation and nerves bubbled through me. I followed him inside, dropping my bag on the counter.

  "I just wanted to be alone with you," he said, running his hand over my back.

  "I know; I miss being alone with you, too.” I slipped off my shoes, leaving them next to his.

  "What do you want to drink?"

  "What do you have?"

  Skyler leaned into the fridge. "Water, beer and strawberry Fanta."

  "You still drink Fanta?" I laughed. "Wow. Memories."

  He held a familiar can out. "Want one?"

  "I'd love one."

  Normally I wasn't into such sugary sweet stuff, but tonight I just couldn't resist. He motioned for me to follow him, and we went in to his room, where he pressed a couple of buttons on his laptop. Music. Of course.

  I set my soda down and settled on the bed, wondering if we were going to talk or skip straight
to making out.

  Skyler sat beside me, touching the sleeve of my sweater. “I like this. I've been wanting to touch you all night.”

  "I know." Amused, I glanced down at the blue cashmere V-neck I'd gotten for my last birthday. "I love the material."

  Leaning forward, he kissed my throat. I wound my fingers through his hair, noticing new light streaks. "Dinner went well. I'm glad you could make it."

  "I had to do it sooner or later," he joked, earning a hair tugging from me. "Seriously, though, it was fine. Reminded me of last time. Your mom's a straight shooter, but your dad's the scary one."

  "He behaved tonight, though."

  "Yeah, he was cool. Does he know about me?" He left my throat and gazed straight at me. I loved those eyes, always had.

  "About what happened before?"

  He nodded.

  "He knows you were in military school, but he doesn't know the details behind why. " I shrugged. "My mom didn't find it necessary to indulge all that at the time. He was never really in the loop the way my mom was, you know?"

  Skyler tipped forward and kissed my chest again, his breath tickling my cleavage. "You're close to her. That's cool."

  "I'm close to both of them; it's just different. My mom's definitely easier to talk to. I don't know if it's because she's a middle school teacher or what, but she just gets it. My dad's affectionate and all that, but he's hardcore about certain things. I mean, he's pretty much in law enforcement.”

  "Makes sense."

  "But he likes you.” I ran his strands through my fingers, separating the sun-kissed blond from the brown. “It's fine."

  "Good." His eyes met mine and he sat up, kissing my mouth. I lay back, taking him with me, wanting his weight, his wholeness. All our kisses had been cut short lately, due to other people or curfews or whatever, and I wanted to just lose myself in him, in us.

  He relaxed, easing on top of me as we kissed. His hand slid under my sweater, flat against my stomach, tracing my ribs. Tickled and turned on, I shivered, wrapping my legs around him. He moaned, deepening his kiss, and when he shifted his weight on to me, I felt why.

  "Can I take it off?" he asked, fingertips grazing my breasts

  "The sweater or the bra?"

  "Both."

  I hesitated, and Skyler slid his hand out. “Or not.”

  "I want to,” I whispered, kissing him. I wanted to build it right this time, but I'd also wanted him for so long that going slow felt counter-intuitive.

  And besides, we'd been here before. Maybe we were different now, a little older, but once upon a time we'd known each other just like this. Skyler helped me sit up, pulling my sweater up over my head. I unhooked my bra and he slid it off, tossing it aside.

  I'd changed since I was fifteen; I'd filled out. I eased back down and he came with me, his fingers drawing circles around my nipples, tracing the underside of my breasts. I felt a little self-conscious at the way he was staring, but I liked it, too. He looked...fascinated.

  I wanted to fascinate him. I wanted him to look at me this way, always. Lowering down, he kissed my nipples until I was squirming and then he sucked one in to his mouth. Inhaling sharply, I dug my hands in to his hair. His tongue felt so good, and my body curved on its own, seeking closeness.

  "C'mere," I whispered, more than a little turned on.

  "I love your body.”

  "It loves you too." I tugged at his hoodie until he took it off, peeling his t-shirt along with it.

  Skin to skin, warm, we tumbled and rolled around his bed. His body felt so good against mine. How had I handled this bone-deep longing before? Skyler had been my whole world once. Maybe we'd been young and thoughtless and naive, but what we'd had was golden.

  I ran my hands over the landscape of his back, the curves of his muscles and the angles of his bones. He cradled my face between his hands, holding me still as his mouth re-learned mine.

  We kissed that way for a while, tongues and lips and necks and ears, soft and wet and deep and good. He snaked his hand down, maneuvering it so that it was just beneath my jeans.

  “I want to touch you,” he whispered. I knew he was waiting for me to stop him, but I wasn't going to—not this, not now.

  I unbuttoned my jeans and then ran my fingers through his hair, letting him do the rest. He sat back on his knees, his eyes never leaving mine as he worked my jeans off.

  I shivered again, cold, and he peeled the comforter open, nodding for me to climb underneath with him. And then he kissed me, slowly. His movements became sensual as he slid his fingers down my stomach and into my underwear, finally touching me.

  Gasping, I tightened my grip on his shoulders. It all came crashing back to me, yet again, the crazy intensity of how he made me feel, inside and out. My body, yeah, but...my heart.

  I kissed him feverishly, pushing up against his hand, and he slipped his fingers inside, working them the way we both knew he wanted to work me. I moaned, incoherent with sensation, moving against his hand, closing my eyes to the brightness of feeling.

  "I love you," I whispered, sounding breathless and desperate even to myself.

  "I love you, too.” His fingers moved faster and faster until I came, and then he kissed me hard, almost biting my mouth. Withdrawing his hand, he pushed his hips against me, showing me how hard he was, even through his jeans.

  I sat up, pushing him onto his back, and wasted no time in getting his pants off. If he was surprised at my aggression, he didn't show it. I wrapped myself around him and he tangled his fingers in my hair, almost pulling it.

  "Feels...so good," he groaned, bringing my face to his so he could kiss me as we rolled around.

  It didn't take long for him to come. "Shit," he said, grabbing his t-shirt. He wiped himself, off with it, tossing it aside when he was done. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his racing heart.

  After a while his breathing slowed, as did his heartbeat. His chest shook with laughter.

  "What?" I sat up, grinning.

  “This,” he said, gesturing. “I haven't done that in...forever, and your hair is crazy.”

  I inched off the bed, completely unabashed about my bare boobs. "Yeah, I should probably fix that before going home."

  In the bathroom, I took a good look at myself as I splashed water on my face. Skyler was right: my hair looked like a home for birds. My cheeks were splotchy and bright, but not as red as my lips. I touched them, leaning closer to my reflection.

  Skyler appeared behind me, smiling lazily in the mirror. I smiled back, biting my lip as I slipped my arms through my bra. He clasped it for me, and then watched me put on my sweater.

  "When's your next night off?" he asked.

  I ran my fingers over his abs, watching them contract involuntarily. "Friday."

  Skyler kissed our clasped hands before getting out of the driver's seat.

  "You don't have to walk me in," I said, but he'd already shut his door.

  He met me in front of the car, slinging his arm around my shoulder. "We didn't have to get each other off, either, but we sure did that."

  "Shush," I said, still floating around in the afterglow.

  "I have to work tomorrow. All day," he said, leaning against my front door. “I probably won't be able to come by.”

  "That's okay." I slid my arms around his waist. "Maybe I'll actually get some studying done."

  "Maybe." He gave me one last, lingering kiss. "So, Friday?"

  Nodding, I fished my keys from my purse and opened the door. "Friday."

  He pulled me back, kissed me again, and then let me go. I shut the door between us, waiting until I heard the growly rumble of his engine before tiptoeing to my room in the dark. Mom wasn't waiting up for me the way she might've back in the day. It felt good to be trusted.

  Leaving my clothes in a heap on the floor, I climbed into bed and snuggled deep. I'd just left Skyler, but I couldn't wait to see him again

  Teigan's stepfather, Jonathan, was one of the senior partners at an esteemed la
w firm in downtown Stuart. His firm was associated with a larger one down in West Palm Beach, and every year the two threw a fancy holiday shindig. This year it was being held at the Marriott on Hutchinson Island, a classy hotel set on a golf course near the beach.

  The party was on Christmas Eve, and as usual, Teigan was expected to attend. She was allowed to bring friends this year, though, so she invited Rocco, Skyler and me. Niki had been invited as well, but the Peñas had a longstanding tradition of going to midnight Mass. It wasn't something she could get out of.

  To my surprise, my own parents seemed fine with it.

  “Are you sure you don't mind?” I asked, watching my mom closely. Normally we spent Christmas Eve together, baking, drinking eggnog and watching old movies. When I was little, we set aside cookies for Santa, complete with a glass of milk. Nowadays we just ate the cookies, and in more recent years I'd started spiking my eggnog, just like Mom and Dad.

  “Sure—as long as you're here on Christmas,” she said with a small smile.

  “Maybe we can make cookies tonight, or tomorrow night instead.”

  “Honey, we can make cookies any night you want to.” She pulled me close, and I settled into her hug, closing my eyes and smelling her familiar smell. This was my last year living at home, and every little thing made me nostalgic.

  But, admittedly, I was excited about this party. I'd watched Teigan dress up to go every year, and now I finally got to go, too—and with Skyler.

  When it came to the high school experience; I'd had a good go of it, complete with friendship and love and all that good stuff. I'd gone to homecoming dances and proms with Tristan, and those nights had been some of the best of my life. Good memories.

  But Skyler and I'd been ripped apart before we could do any of that. I wanted to be the girl on his arm, the one he danced with all night. I wanted to dress up for him, only to have him undress me later. Needless to say, I had big plans for Christmas Eve.

  I told Teigan while we were dress shopping at a snazzy boutique in Palm Beach Gardens—Elodie's idea, not ours. Apparently, Martin County wasn't good enough when it came to playing dress up.

  I followed Teigan around, trying not to cringe at the prices. "Is there a clearance rack?" I whispered, fingering the tulle on a princess-pretty gown.