Un-Connected

by Noah Rea

  ““Okay. I will go.” He said.”

  “I sat there for a few minutes and then got up and went to start dinner. He went out on the front porch and I could hear him talking in a low voice. I couldn’t hear what he said but it wasn’t a short call like it would have been had I made the call.”

  “Eventually he came in. He wasn’t happy and he wasn’t warm. I didn’t know where our marriage was headed. I had supper about ready when he came in.”

  “If you will wash up and get our drinks I should have it on the table.”

  “Okay.” He answered quietly. It sounded like he had made a deal he wasn’t happy with. If he wasn’t then we weren’t going to make it.”

  “When he got to the table with our drinks he pulled out my chair to be nice to me. I thanked him and we sat down to eat. Nothing was said for probably ten minutes. He always ate faster than me and he was about done.”

  “I need more sex.” He said. “I love you and want our marriage to work but I need you more than you are available.”

  “I will be available. I will leave a job anytime you want and meet you at the house.”

  “He agreed to try that. So for the next month or more I was available whenever he wanted. Sometimes I enjoyed him and sometimes I didn’t but I wanted to make our marriage work.”

  “I found the best counselor I could and paid him $250 an hour. I went twice and Larry never showed up either time. The counselor wanted me to realize it was partly my fault but very little in comparison and mostly his fault. I had so many doubts about myself. I felt like such a failure. I felt ugly and was sure I was a big loser. I was so lonely I ached all over. During the worst times I had this big ache in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I couldn’t eat and my face broke out terribly. I was a mess. I didn’t sleep well either.”

  “But after about two months dad saw him with his “regular” girl friend again. When I asked him about it he admitted it and said he couldn’t be a one woman man. I asked why he wouldn’t go to counseling with me.””

  “He never gave me an answer.”

  “If you aren’t going to be my man and keep the promise you made when we got married then you need to move out.”

  “He moved to the living room and sat on the sofa for awhile. Every now and then he would shake his head “no” very faintly. By the time I finished eating and got the kitchen cleaned up he had made up his mind. When I walked into the living room he got up and said he was sorry. He went to our bedroom and packed a couple of bags and left.”

  “It is hard to this day to trust a man. I trust you because I see how much you loved Rebecca. But I’m also afraid to trust you.”

  Then she laughed. “It is easier to trust a man when you lock him up in a truck all day.”

  I was surprised at her saying that. “You wouldn’t trust me any other way?” I asked.

  “Yes I would but I thought of that and thought it was funny.”

  “It is but I hope it isn’t true for you and me.”

  “It isn’t.” she said.

  “So I had worked in the high end remodeling for a few years until no one was putting more money in real estate. The housing market crashed. Dad retired early and is doing odd jobs for people. He has a pickup truck and he can nearly always make a few dollars helping someone haul something. I didn’t know what to do. I was putting out resumes all over the place. I was dressing up and going to interviews but nothing was happening. The economy was slowing down. Linda wasn’t having any closings. It was bad.”

  “A few weeks after Larry moved out we decided to sell the house. I didn’t want to be in our house without him. I called Linda to list it and try to sell it. If we could do that we could split the equity. After a couple of months I filed for divorce. It was so hard. I didn’t sleep much for days before I filed and for days afterward. After the house was on the market over six months with few showings, he decided he wanted the house. I wanted to move in with my parents. I had been staying with them a lot anyway because I hurt so badly. It was awful being in our house alone. So many things reminded me of us or him.

  He got a loan and paid me seventy five percent of the equity. My lawyer said I could get it all but I didn’t think that was fair. I wanted him to have something.”

  “I moved in with mom and dad. It wasn’t the way I wanted to live but I didn’t want to be by myself in an apartment right then. I intended to move out when I got over Larry but I needed a new job or new career. It was too much to deal with on my own. There were so many people and places I saw and places I went that reminded me of us together. There was no together any longer and all those things were a stab in the heart.”

  “I had been hit in the face with two big traumas during the same time period. I was so grateful to be mom and dad’s girl again though it will never be the same as when I was a kid. I wouldn’t want it to be. They tried to take care of me and set me up with dates and things but it was too soon. I still hurt too much.”

  “Dad’s oldest brother Eddie had driven a truck at one time. Dad got him to come over and tell me about it to see if that might be something I was interested in. I liked the part about getting out of town. I wanted a change of scenery for sure. He said he got lonely on the road some but it was fun in many ways. He went through a divorce while he was driving. Eddie said it was a rough career for a marriage. But when he told me he made good money I decided to try it. Mostly because there was nothing else paying anything and I wanted to get out of town. I hadn’t heard anything from all my resumes’ and interviews even after several months.”

  “Eddie and dad helped me find a good used truck that was about four years old. It was really expensive but I was able to pay cash for it. I had to borrow to buy a trailer but dad loaned me that money and I paid him back in about four months. I went to truck driving school and got a job before I graduated. I drove for LandTeam for two years. I had just gone independent when I ran into you.”

  She stopped and just looked at me like that is all there is.

  “How are your parents doing?”

  “My parents are fine. Dad can’t hear well so when I call I talk to mom. They are doing well and don’t expect to hear from me that often. I call them about every two weeks. I probably stay with them about once every three months when I can get a load close by.”

  “They are catholic and are very involved at church. Dad works with the soup kitchen and does other stuff. He and mom volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. They probably go to Mass three or four times a week. So they aren’t the most devout there is but they are more so than most and are good people. They love the Lord. They read the Bible and pray together nearly every day. I am thankful for them and proud of them. I always know I am loved. They are such a good example of two people in love and making marriage work. I was a little ashamed for them to see my marriage coming apart while they had done so well. They continued to love me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t feel bad about it.”

  We both sat quietly for several minutes. She had been so hurt by Larry’s betrayal that she hadn’t really gotten over it until about a year ago. She hadn’t told me at the time because we weren’t getting that personal then. Even now I could see the sadness in her eyes and hear the emotion in her voice. She showed me that it still hurt her some.

  “I would never cheat on you. I’m a one woman man.”

  She smiled but didn’t answer my statement. “I learned a lot from Larry. Not all of it is good. I learned that I can’t be pretty enough or good enough or available enough for some men. Men like him will never be satisfied with one woman and he will really never be satisfied. They don’t or can’t be really close and vulnerable and all in. Finding a good man who will keep his word is hard. Most younger women don’t have a clue what I’m talking about in those rare times I feel like talking to them about men.”

  She paused again. “This is hard for me to talk to you about even now. I love you and having you in my life is helping me.” Then she went on.

  “For mo
st young women appearance, money and fun are all that matter. They don’t know what to look for in a man. If they can find a hunk with money they will make the fun and they think they can make it all last. They think that once they are living together or married, they have the good times locked up. They don’t realize the good times are totally dependent on the kind of man he is and the kind of person she is. It comes down to character. They have to be the right kind of woman but it seems the men are the most lacking. Most women have no idea what is going on when their relationship starts coming apart. I didn’t but now I would.”

  “Most men won’t go all in even when they marry. They hold a little or a lot back from the relationship. Sometimes it shows in the way they are workaholics or they hang out with their guys friends so much. Sometimes it shows up in the handling of money or keeping secrets from each other.

  There is no exact hard rule but there are caution signs that tell a person they need to investigate more. Maybe it is because the men are afraid she will hurt him or something but few men put everything they are and everything they have into the relationship. And that is why they don’t have a great marriage. Both partners have to do that and when they don’t, it may be good but it isn’t great.”

  “I’m not sure I would know what was going on if I saw my marriage coming apart.” I said. “It wasn’t an issue with Rebecca and me. We were both all in.” I paused. “I dated several women before I found Rebecca that I wouldn’t have trusted to stay with me in hard times. We had fun but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I was sure they would bail on me if times got hard. Sometimes I would look at a girl I was dating and would try to imagine her with a baby. Sometimes I knew it wouldn’t be pretty. They couldn’t do it.” I paused.

  “Sometimes you can tell a little from a person’s parents. If they are divorced then their kids are more likely to divorce. How close they are to their parents may tell you whether they have adopted their parents’ values. But Rebecca was close to her parents and wanted to have a marriage like theirs. I knew from that she would fight hard to make our marriage work. And we did.

  She and I were best friends and I really loved her. We didn’t have any really bad times with our relationship and were talking about having a baby but never had time. Some divorce lawyer said in a movie that if people fought as hard to stay together as they did to get apart more marriages would last. He or someone said that you can tell when a marriage is over because one or both of the partners isn’t willing to put much effort into the marriage.”

  “You said you loved me when we were in the hot tub.” Deb said. “Did you mean it or were you just saying that because I said it first?”

  “I meant it very much.” I said. “I don’t trust my emotions and I know I feel like I love you and when I get scared I don’t want to get you hurt. And just because I owe you so much and I am so grateful, it doesn’t mean I love you. Love has to be separate from all of that and I don’t always know myself these days.”

  “I know I don’t want to have sex until I get married.” I continued. “I want you so bad right now that I can hardly stand it. But since I am uncertain about us without sex I know I would be a lost ball in tall weeds with it.

  Sex is so powerful. It makes people seem compatible when they aren’t even close. I saw it so many times when I was in college. A guy and girl would start dating and they didn’t get along that well or enjoy the same things but they would start sleeping together and tell the whole world they were madly in love. Usually in about six months or sometimes more they weren’t seeing each other any longer. They never loved each other to begin with. They loved being in love and they loved sex but not each other.”

  “I don’t want to have sex before I get married either.” She said. “It isn’t because I grew up Catholic either. It is because that is what the Bible says. I was so happy when Larry and I first got married. I didn’t see it then but he wasn’t as happy as I was. I should have seen it. He wanted to have sex before we got married and he pushed me really hard a number of times but I held my ground. I hoped that him being able to wait to have me would mean he really loved me. What it probably means is that he went to someone who would give him what he wanted to help him get through until the marriage. We did have a great honeymoon though. He was happy that week.”

  “Were you afraid to tell me you loved me?” I asked.

  “I was but I wanted to at least a month before I did. I didn’t want to say it first and I didn’t want to say it if you didn’t love me. But after awhile I didn’t care as much about those things and I wanted to tell you how I felt. I planned for over two weeks to have the right time and have the courage to tell you.”

  “Why were you so afraid?”

  She didn’t answer quickly. “I guess our life is so uncertain. The black SUV people scare me. And it scares me that you could get arrested for something you didn’t do but be put in jail for years. But as scary as those are, they are not what scares me the most. I’m afraid you will miss all the money you made before we met. I’m afraid you will want to be an accountant in a big office driving a Porsche and living large and you won’t want to be with me any longer.

  Or if you do want to then I would be driving a truck or something and you would be going to the office everyday and I wouldn’t be with you much. That would break my heart. I don’t want to lose spending time with you. I don’t need to drive a truck but I do need you or I need to get over you somehow. I can’t do that easily and so I’m afraid of being hurt again. It will break my heart to lose you now. If I do it will make me wish I had never met you or picked you up.”

  “I can’t promise anything right now but I love you and I only know how to live one day at a time.”

  “That is fine. That is about all I can do as well.” She said.

  We went to the room intending to relax for the evening. We had an early pick up the next morning so we needed to get to sleep early. When we were in the room I pulled her to me and turned us around so her back was to the wall. I pressed up against her and gave her a slow kiss. She was really sweet in return. I put my hand on her breast and rubbed it gently. She paused seeming a little puzzled.

  “How far do you want to go with this?”

  “This is as far as I will go.”

  She paused a second looking me in the eye and then smiled. She put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me closer to her. She kissed me sweet and slow and pushed herself into my hand.

  …

  After a few minutes I pulled away and one more time I told her I loved her. She gently swatted me on the bottom and said she love me too. That and one kiss before we went to sleep and our day was done.

  Chapter 7

  Connections

  Deb and I were an item after that. We’d been together for months, covering each other’s back and looking out for the black SUV, but now we were inseparable. Life was getting better.

  Then one day, about the time we thought life was getting back to normal, we saw a black SUV. Not just any black SUV but one with really dark windows. The fear sapped the energy right out of me and sent shock waves down my spine.

  We were inside a truck stop paying for fuel and getting snacks. We froze. I nearly wanted to scream. We were somewhat hidden.

  ”Let’s just stay right here for a few minutes and see what is going to happen,” I said.

  The SUV pulled to a fuel pump. Two guys jumped out. They were dressed in what looked like SWAT uniforms, except their heads were uncovered. They almost looked Ninja, but they had the knee pads, boots, and belts of a Special Ops team. One swiped a card and began pumping gas. Another one stepped out the side door and headed toward us with the driver.

  ”They probably have never seen you and have only seen pictures of me, which are old. I still need to stay out of their sight if I can.”

  I really didn’t need to say it because she was ready to run. We eased our way over toward the truckers lounge. We were kind of behind them when they came through the door. I wanted to make s
ure I didn’t make eye contact with any of them, so I kept my gaze down.

  The guy pumping the gas finished and headed into the store. They milled around without hurrying and gathered drinks and snacks. Two more followed them in.

  We could hardly breathe.

  I suggested she walk out past the SUV and using her cell camera held real low, take a picture of the license plate. “I will watch the guys inside the store and come outside making some kind of real loud noise if anything looks menacing and you need to change course. I told her if she could walk around the back, out toward the street, back around to the left, and back into the truck parking lot, then I would meet her at the truck. I didn’t want us to be separated but couldn’t think of anything better, and she was nearly frozen with fear. I surely knew how that felt and wasn’t far from it then.

  I didn’t want to scare her any more than she already was, but we didn’t know for sure if they left someone in the SUV for security and surveillance. If there was, they might be watching her. I hoped there wasn’t another one in there. I decided it would be safer for her to pass by the SUV and for me to be her lookout and have a precise location on the four inside. They weren’t looking around anyway so they had no idea anyone was watching them. Though there were people there of all ages and genders checking them out because of their military garb, they must have long since gotten to the place they didn’t notice.

  I had my back to them, and they mostly had their backs toward me. I headed out after Deb with my head down, watching my shoes carrying me along. I went more to the left than she did so I would not be going behind the SUV. About the time she got to the back of the SUV, another man stepped out the side door. My heart nearly stopped. He was older than the rest, and he was stretching and watching Deb. I hoped he didn’t see her cell, but I was afraid he did. Since he quit watching her and finally turned toward the store, I started to breathe again. I kept my face down with the hat brim covering most of it. He didn’t seem to notice me. I occasionally glanced over one shoulder or the other to see if anything was developing behind me. The men in the store hadn’t come out yet. I kept Deb in sight more or less as she walked behind the trucks and made her way to her truck. She was pretty shaken when I got there.