by Kailin Gow
“No...”
“Good...” Danny put a bag of groceries down on the kitchen counter, taking out a box full of strawberries and a chilled bottle of champagne. “We're going to get through all of these tonight...” He looked me up and down. “Only – I haven't got any plates.”
He slipped the dress off my body. “Lie down, love.” He brought the champagne and the strawberries over.
I lay back, my whole body tingling with pleasure and anticipation.
“What are you doing?”
“I've been fantasizing about doing this to you all day.”
He poured the tiniest bit of champagne onto my navel, causing me to moan aloud as the cool liquid fizzed on my belly. He pressed his lips to my stomach and hungrily licked up the champagne, his hot mouth contrasting with the cool liquid.
I gave myself over to pleasure – to the extraordinary sensations of his mouth and tongue and fingers once again working their magic on me. I couldn't bear it – the pleasure was too strong, too overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning in ecstasy, unable to hold back my cries.
He lifted his head slightly. “You don't have to be quiet,” he said. “Like I said – there's nobody around to hear the noise. Just let go, Neve…”
Afterward we were both soaked in sweat, the sheets smelling of champagne and of each other.
“So, Mr. Blue,” I laughed. “Are we going to keep seeing each other like this?”
“I want to, Neve,” Danny kissed me, holding me close. “I want to so much. I still want more of you. A whole lot more.”
I snuggled in his arms, pressing a kiss on his chest. “We can't tell anyone, though, Danny. I don't want this getting in the way of the band – the others finding out.”
“I understand,” said Danny. “I get the feeling that if they find out, it won't be pretty.”
“So you know...”
“The guys are possessive of you,” Danny said. “Some of them, like Steve, just see you as a kid sister. But others – they care about you. They want to protect you. But it's more than that....you're special to them. And if they know about us...”
“They can't,” I repeated, thinking of Kyle. Of how much it would hurt him. “I love them all – but they can't know...”
“Especially with class,” Danny said. “I can get out of grading your work directly because I'm in the band, and I can declare a conflict of interest. But I don't want to....make any more than that public. I value my reputation, too.”
“This is dangerous, Danny,” I said.
“Too dangerous?”
“It should be,” I said. “Logically, we should just leave each other alone – back off...”
“And are you feeling logical right now...” He traced his fingers up and down my stomach, letting them rest between my legs before beginning slowly, tantalizingly, to explore further...
“No...” I breathed, before leaning back, giving myself over to his nimble touch once more, and to the ecstasy that followed...
Chapter 16
The next few days were the most exquisite kind of torture. Between class and practices, I saw Danny almost constantly. But seeing him in public meant that I couldn't do what I wanted to do – couldn't throw myself before him and give myself over to the force of my desire at every single opportunity. As much as I wanted him, longed for him, craved him – we had to keep at a distance from one another, reducing our relationship to secret smiles, to light stolen touches on the hand, to secret kisses in the corridor while the other band members were practicing. Being so close to one another, staring at each other with an intensity that made it clear we each knew what the other was thinking, that we remembered precisely what we'd gotten up to the night before, made it even harder for me to concentrate. Every night when the band left Danny's, I'd get in my car, circle around the house, and drive back once the others had gone. Each night we got more inventive; things got more exciting. Little by little Danny initiated me into the myriad ways of pleasure – showing me not only how to receive ecstasy but also how to give it. I didn't know what I was doing, at first – but my instincts - and Danny's guiding hand – were good teachers, and soon I found that pleasure came not only from allowing Danny to take control of my body, but also from learning how to take control of his. Each encounter we tried something new – new positions, new words, new alignments of our bodies such that our pleasure increased tenfold every time we experimented. It felt like our bodies had been made for one another. We were wholly consumed with each other. Each time we met, I wanted more and more of him.
And whenever he was gone – whenever he had to take off to Chicago or San Francisco or New York for a few days to check out properties for his dad – I felt it. I felt the strange pain of absence – pain that melded with frustration and made me irritable and snappish. I'd never noticed that this part of my life – sexual fulfillment – was missing for so many years; now that I knew what it was, one day without the mind-blowing orgasms to which I'd become accustomed was enough to drive me to distraction. Is this what addiction is? I wondered. When your body craves something so much – when you feel like you can't live without it....
A couple of weeks after our last show, Danny was away in New York. I tried to use the time apart productively – the super of Steve and Luc's apartment complex had called me to let me know a studio had become available upstairs from them, and the boys helped me move into the tidy, compact apartment that I was looking forward to calling him. Still, despite the pizzas and the shared banter, the joking and talking that was just like old times, I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Danny's absence was a palpable shadow on the proceedings. I tried to ignore it. All of us – except from Kyle, who still seemed vaguely hurt that I'd turned down his offer to be roommates – were happy, enjoying just hanging out and being together like old times. And then the phone rang.
“Hello?”
It was our booking agent.
“What does she say?” Luc was whispering, as Steve shushed him.
“Listen – The Cure's reunion tour – their opening act just had to cancel. Lead singer got bronchitis. You know what I'm talking about.”
“At the Palladium...” My mouth fell open. The Palladium was the biggest, most prestigious amphitheater in LA. “Us?”
“The PALLADIUM?” Kyle almost fell off his chair.
“But listen – it's for tomorrow night. Can you do tomorrow”
“Tomorrow?” I repeated blankly.
“Tomorrow – at the Palladium?” Kyle's eyes widened.
“No way!” Luc exclaimed.
“Of course we can do it,” I said automatically, bidding her farewell and hanging up the phone. “Tomorrow. At the Palladium. Opening for The Cure.”
The excitement was overwhelming. We were shouting and screaming and falling into one another's arms – overwhelmed at the good news.
“I have to call Danny and tell him!” I said. “He should be heading back soon...” You think? You've been counting the hours...
“We'd better get practicing this second,” said Steve. “I'd better head downstairs and get us some equipment right away. Neve, we need to practice for the next twenty-four hours straight if we want a shot at playing the Palladium.” He laughed, his face flushing with excitement. “I mean – the Palladium. This is the biggest deal ever. We're going to have to play every song through at least three or four times. The opening for The Cure...”
“I know!” I'd never seen Steve this excited. “Wait – where are we practicing?”
“At Danny's...”
“We can't!” I said. “Not yet, I mean. He's just gotten back from New York – he's probably not home for another couple of hours.” I picked up the phone. No sooner had Danny answered than I felt my whole body tingling.
“Hey, Gorgeous. Have I been thinking about what I want to...”
“I'm with the band,” I said loudly, hoping nobody heard his salacious opening.
“Oh,” Danny sounded disappointed. “How are the guys
?”
When I told him the news, I could practically hear his grin over the telephone. “No way,” he said. “I knew you could do it, babe. I've got a layover in Chicago – I'm there now. Should be home in three hours flat. I'll put my pedal on the gas just for you.”
After I hung up and told the guys the news, they cheered.
“But what do we do in the meanwhile?” Luc asked.
I smiled a mischievous smile. “We celebrate,” I said. “Like true rock stars. By breaking the rules.”
“What do you mean...?”
“I'm new,” I said. “I don't know the rules here. Are there any music rules? I don't think there are. I think we can jam as loud as we want...”
Steve, Luc, and Kyle broke into matching grins. “What the heck? Why not?”
Steve and Kyle went downstairs to bring up the equipment, leaving me alone with Luc. He smiled softly, chuckling to himself.
“What is it?” I asked him.
“Who'd have thought it – so many years ago? That we'd end up like this...” Luc turned to me. “We're really doing it, Neve. All of us – growing up. And you...” he turned to look at me, melting me with his chocolate-brown eyes. “You've grown up most of all.” He took a step towards me. “Oh, Neve – today, apparently, dreams are coming true for us. Let's see how many come true...” He touched my cheek lightly. “I'm so glad you're moving close to me...”
“You're always welcome to come over. We can...”
But before I could finish my sentence, Luc's lips were on mine; he was pulling me towards him, kissing me passionately, his whole body taut with desire. I was shocked – overwhelmed. Luc? Luc didn't like me like that – Luc and I were just...but the force of his kiss knocked all thought right out of me.
“Luc...” I pulled away, trying to regain my balance, not to mention my sanity. “Luc, I can't...”
But a loud, angry cough caused us both to turn our heads toward the door. “So it's Luc, is it?” Kyle looked furious. “He's the one you've been seeing behind our backs?” He marched in, his face red with anger. “He's the reason you haven't been in your dorm room ten nights this term...”
I felt anger rise in my chest. How dare Kyle attempt to keep track of me, try to tell me who I could and couldn't see, what I could or couldn't do? All sympathy I had for his unrequited crush vanished. “What, are you keeping track of me like some crazed stalker or something?”
“It's my job to keep an eye on you, Neve. What if John Flint or someone came back.”
“It's not your job to do anything!” I shouted.
“Well, I was worried about you, that's all.” He sneered. “But now I see I don't have to worry. It was Luc all along. So much for all your rules, huh? No dating anyone in the band? Or I guess that just applied to me...”
“Look...” Even now Luc was calm, collected. Mature. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle. Neve has never spent the night with me. Ask Steve – he'd know!”
Kyle took a step towards Luc, getting straight into his face. “Don't deny it, man. I've always known – you think you're so clever, hiding it? But I see the way you look at her, man. I know you wanted her. I thought we were friends, yeah? I thought you'd never go for her behind my back, knowing how I...”
“How dare you!” I wanted to slap Kyle clean across the face.
“I would never,” Luc said, looking as angry as I felt. “Even if...even if I did have feelings for Neve – which I'm not saying I do...” his face turned cherry-red. “But if I did...I wouldn't break the rules, okay? I know the rules – same as anyone else. I just got...I was excited, okay? About the gig. I just needed to blow off some steam.”
My heart sank. I'd always known that this was going to happen, that my great fear would be realized. My love life would drive a wedge between me and the band.
“Is that what you call it? When you were shoving your tongue down her throat? Just letting off steam? Don't you respect her?”
“What?” Luc and I said simultaneously.
“She's not some groupie you can just mess with and then leave behind...”
“I don't think anyone is someone you can just mess with and leave behind, Kyle,” said Luc in a warning tone of voice. “And if Neve wanted to sleep with someone – me or anyone else for that matter, it's absolutely not your business. You pretend you're her personal bodyguard – pretend her parents are worried about her. But it's you that's worried. You just want to keep track of everything that's going on – who she's with, what's happening. We've all ignored it. But it's creepy, man. And you need to back off, now. Whatever's happening with me and Neve is none of your concern.”
“Nothing is happening.” My high-pitched voice stopped them just short of coming to blows. “Between me and Luc.”
“Who, then?” Kyle turned on me. “Clearly you're getting it from somewhere. It's obvious. The way you just walk around...”
“You want to talk about my glow?” I snapped. “It's none of your business where I'm getting it from. Or whom. It's my business.”
“Is that true...” Luc looked at me, shock spreading over his face. “Are you seeing someone?”
I sighed. I hadn't wanted my love life to get between me and the band – and now it would have to. I nodded. “I mean no. I mean yes. I mean – it's not serious, not yet, anyway. It's just....you know, casual sex. Not a thing.” Was I telling the truth? I wasn't sure. Whatever Danny and I had, it wasn't meaningless. But we definitely weren't an “item,” either.
Luc sighed. “Neve...I thought you had more sense than that!”
This made me angry. Luc – who went out with a different girl every night – had the nerve to lecture me on my choices! “And you stay home and drink water after every gig?” I snapped. “Why is it different for you than it is for me, huh? You have more casual sex than anyone I know. You do not get to judge me...”
“It's not like that...” Luc shook his head, trying to explain. “It's just – you're Neve. You're like a sister to me.”
“Not that like a sister,” Kyle cut in loudly.
“I just don't want to see you get hurt by the guys who are looking for casual flings...”
“Guys like you, you mean?”
That shut him up.
“Nobody should just want you for that. I mean – you're the kind of girl a guy could proudly bring home to his family. The girl I could always bring home to my mom.”
“I still am.”
“No guy should just want you for sex, that's all I'm saying. You could do better.”
I couldn't help baiting him. “And what if I just want him for sex? What – am I damaged goods, now? I'm not a virgin – so suddenly you can't take me home to Mommy? Please – so I'm having sex with my boyfriend. You want to judge? Judge Kyle – who takes home a different girl every night. Maybe you can't take him to your mother's house, either! He's not a virgin. And neither are you, Luc. Guys and their double standards.”
“So he's your boyfriend?” Luc's eyes widened with pain.
“And unlike you guys, the guy I'm seeing – incidentally – hasn't been with a different girl every night for the past year. I know where he's been. We're monogamous. And it's safe.”
Seeing Luc and Kyle's stricken expressions, I felt a bit ashamed of my outburst. I was right, I felt, to defend myself – both Luc and Kyle were holding me to an unfair double standard, and they knew it. But I knew too the real reasons for their reaction – the jealousy that made both of them say such ugly things. “Don't worry,” I said. “Like I said, it's casual. My priority is on the band. The band comes first.”
Chapter 17
We spent the rest of that day practicing – once Steve came and the tension dissipated, we tried to ignore the fight we'd had. Luc and Kyle were still awkward around each other – and I was still fuming. I liked my friends – loved them, even. Certainly I respected them. But for the first time I realized what a difference a few years made in our relationship. Suddenly the fact of my being a woman was a big deal in th
e way it had never been when we were kids. Sure, I was flattered that Luc saw me as a “good girl,” “girlfriend material,” - someone superior to the groupies he slept with. But more than that, I was disturbed by what it said about Luc – that he was perfectly willing to sleep with girls he didn't consider “girlfriend material” precisely because they were willing to sleep with him, and to judge them for it. I almost felt sorry for his groupies, for Kyle's. A lot of them, I imagined, were girls just like me – girls happy to be driven for the moment by desire. And if Danny hadn't lost respect for me for agreeing to our relationship – a relationship that was driven in part by lust – then why should anyone else?
Maybe my dad was right to try to shield me from this world, I thought bitterly. Maybe being a woman in a group of rock stars wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Still, I tried to ignore my annoyance and focus on the work at hand. Kyle and Luc were still boys, after all – still teenagers at eighteen and nineteen. Danny would never treat me this way. He didn't think I was anything but a “good girl” - even when I was naked and writhing on his bed in ecstasy. He loved the pleasure we shared – the trust that had made us both capable of learning to articulate what we wanted without flushing, to share our fantasies, to trust each other with our whole bodies.
The tension in the air was still palpable at the end of the rehearsal. Steve came up to me, lightly tapping me on the shoulder. “What's going on?” Steve asked me.
“Nothing,” I shrugged him away. “Nothing I want to talk about.”
“Fine,” said Steve, to my relief. At least Steve had managed to get through this semester without going as crazy as the rest of us. “Let's skip Danny's solo and go straight to the bridge...”
Kyle and Luc were still glowering at one another.
“Come on guys,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Can't we be grown-ups here for the night? We only have tonight to practice...”
“Fine,” said Luc. “Just for the night.”
Just for the night? My heart sank. Did Luc mean to quit the band?