by Kailin Gow
“Luc,” my voice softened. “I'm sorry – I really am. I know – we've got a lot to talk about, okay? And we will talk about it. Just not tonight. We'll talk after the show. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was seeing someone – I only told Kyle, because it was new and I didn't think it was important...”
He nodded glumly. “Whoever you're with,” he murmured, “is one lucky son of a bitch.” His eyes did not meet my own.
“Kyle, you okay?”
“Fine,” Kyle said glumly. “I've got a guitar in my hands already, don't I? I'm ready. So let's get this over with.”
We were interrupted by a knock at the door. My heart leaped. Was it Danny? But to my disappointment it was just the super, looking beleaguered and exhausted.
“You guys know the noise rules...” he said. “Really, you know that...”
“She won't have to worry about that.” Danny's familiar, velvety voice made my heart jump. “Where she's going, she can make all the noise she likes.” He smiled at me as he emerged in the doorway, his black jeans and t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders and hard abs leaving little to my imagination. Even after three hours of travel Danny looked every inch the rock star. The super, clearly recognizing in Danny some easy authority, grumbled a bit about the neighbors before departing.
I walked out into the corridor to bid farewell to the super. But before I could re-enter my apartment Danny pulled me into an alcove, kissing me hungrily. “Neve,” he murmured. “I've missed you so much.”
“I've missed you too.” Already I could feel my whole body reacting to his, eager for his touch. I wanted to kiss him for hours, but I didn't want to rouse suspicions. “Listen,” I said. “Play it cool tonight. Kyle and Luc got into blows over me – they know I'm seeing someone but don't know who...Kyle thought it was Luc...”
Danny bit his lip, anger flashing briefly over his face. “I see – so, Luc made a pass at you?”
“Not a pass,” I said quickly. “It was very innocent. Kyle just misinterpreted things...”
“Good,” said Danny firmly. “Because there's nothing innocent about what I've got planned for you tonight. I'll play it cool tonight, Neve – but stay over tonight, okay? I want to show you how much I missed you.”
We headed back into the apartment and loaded the instruments into the car before heading to Danny's. We practiced until sunrise, absolutely shattered, until at last we headed back to our cars.
“Want to get dinner?” Kyle asked me. “Or breakfast, really. At this hour.”
“Actually, I'm going to...” I sighed. “I'm going to make a detour, get some gas, refuel. You go home without me.”
“Are you sure?” Kyle looked disappointed. “I really wanted to talk.”
“I'm sure,” I said. “I'm tired and I could use a good night's sleep. Or what's left of it.”
Kyle's voice sounded strained. “I know,” he said, sighing. “I get it. I'll let the others know.” He turned to me. “I hope you get whatever you need out of your system,” he said. “So you can move on. And realize that there's a lot of guys out there...” his voice choked, “who would give you a lot more than sex. There's a lot of guys who would love to be with you, who would cherish you, who would do anything for you.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, “But Kyle, I'm not looking for that right now. And even if I were...” Not with you. I couldn't bear to say those words out loud to him.
“Right. Goodnight.” Kyle turned around and walked to his car. I waited until he was safely gone before heading back inside to Danny's, my body burning with longing.
“I'm back....” I breathed. “I finally got away.”
For a moment Danny seemed distracted – his face pale, his eyes distant.
“Danny, are you okay?”
At once he snapped out of it. His face transformed – the look of yearning on his face sending my body into a frenzy. Barely a moment had passed before we had torn each other's jeans off and were lying on the bed.
“It's been three whole days,” Danny nuzzled my shoulder. “Did I tell you how much I missed you? I told Steve I was shattered – but truth is I think I can find just a bit more energy left, can't you...?”
He lifted me up, turning me over so that my legs rested on his shoulders, his face facing my bare stomach. “This,” he announced slyly, “is but the first course.” He began kissing my stomach, his mouth and body shifting so that his tongue trailed further down...
Before long my whole body was shaking with relief.
“Hard day...” he asked, when I was still at last. “I'm exhausted – and now completely sweaty. Why don't you join me in the shower?” he grinned. “I get the sense you could use a relaxing shower too, after the horrid day you've had.”
With the water streaming all around us, drowning out the noise, we moved onto other pursuits – he had brought me to the brink of ecstasy seconds earlier, and now it was my turn to do the same, taking hold of him and playing with his body gently before slipping to my knees, anxious to taste every inch of his tan, beautiful body. It seemed that hours passed before Danny wrapped me in a towel and all but carried me to the bed. Utterly spent, we had no more energy for passion. Instead his touch was gentle, delicate. Even romantic. He caressed my cheeks, my shoulders, his eyes wide not with desire but with something else – something more.
“I missed you very much, Danny,” I said.
“I know. I missed you too. I wish you could've gone with me. Maybe next time...” he sighed. “Next time you'll come with me. How does that sound?”
“That sounds great.”
He nuzzled my ear and I couldn't help but smile. For all Kyle and Luc's judgment, what we had was more than just sex. There was something meaningful there – some connection that I felt more than ever now, when things were so still, when I was lying with my head against his chest...
“So, there will be a next time,” I said.
“Of course, Neve...” he said. “You're a part of my life now.”
Everything felt so beautiful at that moment, so calm. At that moment, as I drifted off to sleep, resting in the bosom of the man I cared for, I was utterly happy. Dreams slowly took hold of me and I could hear myself muttering, instinctively.
“Night, Danny.”
“Night, Neve.”
“Love you...”
I hadn't meant to say it – hadn't meant to say anything like that. But no sooner had I spoken than Danny's eyes shot wide open and he sat up on the bed. His whole expression had changed.
“Oh, no...” he muttered. “No, you didn't mean that. You don't mean that.”
“I...don't?” I felt my heart sink all at once. Sure it was soon – too soon – but he knew what I meant...
“Neve, I'm sorry.” He looked embarrassed now. “I thought we were on the same page about this. That what you wanted – what we both wanted – I'm sorry, I should have realized...”
“Realized what?” my voice was shaking.
“I care for you a lot, Neve. And I'm really enjoying what we have. You're a great friend – and an incredible lover. You're gorgeous and smart and sexy but...”
“But...”
“I thought this was just fun for you. For both of us. No strings – no commitment – that's what we said, right? Neve – you know my story. You know about Peyton. I'm just getting back into things after losing her. A commitment – I mean, if that's what you want, I'm not sure I'm...” He sighed and took my hand, pressing it to his lips. “I'm so sorry, Neve. I thought we wanted the same thing. Great sex, great company, a lot of fun. But I'm not ready to get attached like that again. It's been a year, but sometimes it feels like she only died yesterday.” He kissed my forehead. “If you don't want to handle that, if you can't handle that – I understand if you don't want to see me...”
I couldn't listen to another second of this. Every word that Danny spoke was breaking my heart. Before he could open his mouth I was dressed and running out the door, tears streaming down my face, my car heading back tow
ards the only place in the world I felt safe, felt secure, felt insulated from all this chaos.
Back to Mom and Dad.
Chapter 18
It was seven in the morning by the time I arrived home – and all I wanted to do was to lie down and cry on my childhood bed. How could I have been so stupid? Done the one thing I'd told myself I'd never do – fall in love with someone from the band? I had known Danny was older, more sophisticated, more used to “friends with benefits” than I was – I should have known he wouldn't fall in love with me the way I had with him. Maybe Kyle and Luc were right, I thought angrily, I was somebody's fuck-buddy, nothing more.
Just as I thought of him, the phone rang: Kyle was calling. “What?” I was still angry about last night.
“Look, I know you don't want to be disturbed, but Steve and Luc called me to tell me you didn't come back home last night. Are you okay?” His voice turned bitter. “Are you with your lover?” He sighed. “Just let me know you're okay and I'll hang up.”
I sighed. Kyle was being clingier than normal. “It's seven in the morning and I told you I needed my sleep. What's wrong with you? Of course I'm okay.”
“You don't sound okay,” Kyle said. “You sound like you've been crying.”
Crap. I should be furious with Kyle – he knew that – but I was so heartbroken by what had happened with Danny that I couldn't bring myself to be mad. Before I could stop myself I blurted it out. “We broke up, okay?”
“So your casual and meaningless relationship...not so casual, huh?” Kyle was straining on the other end of the line.
“It was...” I started, before stopping myself. I didn't need to bitch to Kyle about my problems; in fact, that was absolutely the last thing I should do right now. “Oh, Kyle, I'm just being stupid. It's fine. I don't...”
“Where are you, Neve?” Kyle's voice was urgent. “I'll be right over.”
“Kyle, it's okay.”
“Neve – I'm sorry,” Kyle said. “I've been a real jerk to you. But if you need me as a friend – just a friend – I am there for you, okay? I love you as a friend. Always have, always will. And if you don't have a best girlfriend – well, I can try to fill that role for you.”
“Oh, Kyle...” He meant so well, I knew that. But he couldn't be my “best girlfriend” - not after the fight we'd had.
Before I could say anything, the door to my room flew open.
To anyone else, the sight of Keith Knight in a fuzzy white bathrobe, holding a baseball bat next to the negligee-clad figure of Jessica Botano, holding a fire extinguisher, would be something out of an LSD-induced hallucination. But to me, it was just Mom and Dad.
“I told you it was Never!” Mom turned to my father. “But you wouldn't listen. Put away your bat.” She turned to me apologetically. “He thought it was burglars.”
“Babe Ruth himself signed this bat, I'll have you know! And what are you doing back here, anyway?” My dad grinned. “You need to warn us first – your mom and I thought that once you were out of the house we could finally...have some fun.”
“Keith!”
“Dad!” Great. Keith Knight, famous for the threesome he'd had with Mick and Bianca Jagger, was better at having a happy monogamous relationship than I was.
“Is that your parents?” Kyle's voice sounded urgent. “Are you at home? I'll be right over.”
“Please don't,” I said, as firmly as I could. “Do me a favor, Kyle. Go to bed. Be well-rested. That's the best thing you could do for the band right now – or for me.”
“Sure,” Kyle said, sounding disappointed. “Goodnight, Neve.”
“Goodnight.”
“So what are you doing back here, baby?” My mother sat down next to me on the bed.
I looked at my dad. “Guy stuff,” I muttered.
“Out!” My mother declared, and my dad sighed and shuffled away. “Our daughter needs her Mommy, don't you, sweetie?”
“Goodnight, Crabcakes,” my father said. “I can see where I'm not needed. Just tell me where to send the hit men.”
“Dad!”
“I'm just saying – I know people.”
“Is it Luc?” My mother hugged me.
“No.”
“Kyle?”
“Definitely not!”
“Really,” my mother looked perplexed. “I was sure it would be one or the other eventually.”
“It's neither.”
“Neither!”
“He's someone from school.”
“Oh.”
“We were together – and now we're...well, I guess we're broken up.”
“You guess?”
“I kind of left before he could finish the job.”
My mother hugged me close. “Oh, baby... sometimes things like that just happen, you know? Sometimes it's for the best. But even a bad relationship can teach you something important about yourself. Or what you want. It's a learning experience – even the painful ones. Especially the painful ones.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes involuntarily. I couldn't help but think of Danny – how much I'd cared for him, how much I'd started to love him...
“I dated a lot of toads before I met your father,” said my mother. “In the LA celebrity scene at that time – there were a lot of guys who weren't great to women. Guys who just wanted sex, guys who wanted total emotional control, guys who wanted you to give them cred in the tabloids – all of it. And your father wasn't such a peach when we met, either. He wasn't ready to settle down – be a family man. And for our first few years...it was hard...” she sighed. “We came pretty close to calling it quits a few times. And then we had you...and....well, it was a combination of things. Keith and I were both getting older, more mature. We'd been through so much together. And when you were born, your tiny fingers and teeny toes seemed so much more important than LA parties or the covers to tabloids...and now, your father and I couldn't be happier.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I snuggled into her arms, feeling like a child again.
“Whatever and whenever you need me,” she said. “I can help you. But I can't help you unless you help yourself. Get some sleep before you do anything. You'll need to be fighting fit for your performance at the Palladium tomorrow.”
My stomach dropped. “You know about that?”
“Of course I know,” my mother said. “I listen to college radio. I've known for ages. I never said anything since I knew you wanted to keep it from your father – but...I'm proud of you.”
“And Dad?”
“He wants to talk to you in the morning. But for now – sleep!”
*****
Things felt a little bit better in the morning – being in my childhood home, the familiar light streaming through the windows, made things seem a bit better. And then I remembered. Dad wanted to talk to me. I gritted my teeth as I changed into my pajamas. I knew how this conversation was going to go – I knew what Dad was going to tell me. To quit the band, to give it up. He was going to tell me the same lecture I'd heard so many times: that rock bands were no place for a teenage girl even at eighteen, that the scene was filled with sex, drugs, and booze, that he'd seen his friends die, choking on their own vomit, overdosing, dying of AIDS contracted from drug use or unsafe sex. He couldn't look at me – he'd said this many times before – without looking at his past, at his mistakes, mistakes that almost cost him his life, and with it the family he had today. I sighed. I wasn't in the mood to have this sort of conversation today, not after the day I'd had. Between my fight with Kyle and losing Danny, it was all I could do to get out of bed and shuffle into my slippers. I tried to dry my tears, to strengthen myself for the day. Whatever my dad said, whatever he threatened me with, I had to get to the Palladium tonight. I had to face Danny – even when seeing him made my heart break into a million little pieces. I had to face everything. I'd promised myself when I first started seeing Danny – I wouldn't let my drama interfere with the life of the band. I wouldn't let my heart get in the way of my voice. And that meant forcing myself to get th
rough this day.
I walked into the dining room, where my father was already sitting in a black satin dressing gown, eating a plateful of eggs. He didn't look angry, I noted with surprise as I tentatively sat down next to him. His eyes were wide – almost sad – he sighed softly when I took the plate next to his and started to eat.
“Hey, Crabcakes.”
“Hey, dad.”
“Pretty rough week, huh?”
“You saw the post?”
“Who was that guy? The one who kissed you.”
“A stalker called John Flint.”
“Anyone you know?”
I shook my head.
“I had crazed fans too. Stalkers. One girl kept sending naked pictures of herself to the house, writing threatening letters to your mother. There are so many reasons to worry in this business – that was only one of them. The tabloid coverage – the constant supervision. I remember once, when your mother and I were first married...it was hard at first, Neve. I didn't give up being a rock star right away. I...saw other women. I was too drunk or too high to care that what I was doing hurt your mother. And then I saw that the tabloids had caught me with one of these women...and I knew your mother would see the pictures when she was checking out at the grocery store. And I knew then – at that moment – that if I wanted to keep a wonderful, smart, kind woman like your mother, I'd have to shape up. The life I'd lived as a rock star – it wasn't just the sex, Neve. Or the drugs. Or the lifestyle. It was the person I'd become: a person so strung-out and selfish that I couldn't see that I was about to lose the people I loved most. And that's what I don't want for you, Neve.”
“Dad, it's not like that.”
“When I saw that picture of you on TMZ, it was like seeing that picture of myself with...that woman all over again. A reminder of the life I used to lead. A reminder of the life I cannot lead if I want to be a good dad to you and a good husband to your mother. It's so easy, as a rock star, to get so wrapped up in your own drama and your own issues that you stop caring about the people around you.”
I thought miserably of Danny.