Torn (Torn Heart)

by Brewer, Annie

  His hands shoved into his pockets, hair a mess of tangles, and eyes with bags underneath as if he hasn’t slept in days, stands on my porch looking more unkempt than I’ve ever seen him. “Hi.” He finally says; his voice weak and filled with guilt.

  I force a smile. “Hey.”

  “I was wondering if you’d like to take a walk with me.”

  “You’re ready to talk?” He nods. I raise my eyes brows in disbelief, “It’s freezing outside.”

  His gaze strays to my coat. “I can get you another jacket or a blanket.”

  I shake my head, “I have another coat.” I open the door wider so he steps inside. I shut the door behind him.

  Bailey jumps off the couch, greeting him with a lick. He bends down to pet her. “Hey, you got a puppy?” She licks him to death. “I love this breed. Shelties are good indoor dogs.”

  A laugh slips out. “When’d you become a dog breed expert?”

  He wrestles with her on the floor. My heart leaps with joy that he’s here right now. So while he’s occupied with Bailey, I run up stairs to grab my hats, gloves and extra jacket. I also get a big blanket from my closet to use, since more than likely we’ll head to the park.

  Downstairs, I pack a small basket of fruits, crackers and chips. Jackson walks into the kitchen and sees my hands are full, so he grabs a few items from my grasp.

  “Where are the plastic bags, or do you not keep them anymore?” I point to the pantry and he comes back and throws everything inside the bag.

  Bailey saunters in, jumping all over us. “Hey, I’ll be back in a bit.” I pick her up, petting the top of her head and put her in the crate. “Be good and don’t howl.” But she starts whining as we leave the kitchen.

  When we get outside, I lock the door carrying the blanket and my extra jacket. Jackson takes the lead, I follow. As we stroll through the fields and past the houses, I can feel the tension lingering over us. My nose is cold but the rest of my body feels comfortable. I just wish this coldness inside my heart would subside.

  Jackson stops abruptly, glancing around us. The streets are littered with cars from parties for the occasion. He turns toward me, “I hope you didn’t have plans tonight.”

  I shake my head. “Nope, just reading.” Not that that is important now.

  “You weren’t much of a drinker anyway.” He smirks, bumping my shoulder. A smile pulls at my lips. “Come on.” He continues walking. And sure enough, we’re at our favorite place.

  I stop at the merry-go-round and spread the blanket out, laying the rest of my stuff down. I gasp in surprise when Jackson grabs me from behind, twisting me around to him and kisses me hard, but I soon melt into his touch, kissing him back. I’ve missed this, his touch, his kiss, him. He finally pulls back and puts distance between us. I open my eyes, “What was that for?” My voice comes out husky.

  “I wanted to kiss you before we got to the serious stuff.” I don’t argue with that, because I know we have a lot to discuss. And the kiss was a great way to start off an intense conversation.

  We sit down on the blanket across from each other in the center. “I should’ve told you about New York.” I start.

  “When I was fifteen, I saw my mom at the grocery store,” His voice takes on a haunting tone that shoots straight through my heart. I sit and listen. “She was at the checkout line, getting cozy with the man I’m assuming she left us for. I knew it was her the moment I saw her. I tried to look away; I tried to force my legs in the opposite direction, knowing no good could come out of this. But my feet had other ideas.” I take out an apple and chew it for distraction. “My anger started rising and before I knew it, I was right in front of her. She startled and then narrowed her eyes at me like I was interrupting her or something. But I saw a look of recognition in her eyes before she turned away. I asked her, “Is it really you, mom?” and she stared at me like I’d grown two heads right in front of her. Then she shook her head and said, “I don’t know you. And I don’t have a son. You’ve got me mistaken with someone else.” I said her name over and over again. I said my name and Jared’s name and asked if she remembered my dad, the man that she apparently loved until the day she walked out on him. I kept screaming and cursing at her and she was yelling at me to leave, calling me a psycho kid with a vendetta. I was finally removed from the store and I took off running. I ran so fast and so far, I ended up passing out in an alley. But I was numb and sick after that.” He laughs bitterly.

  I nonchalantly wipe a tear from my eye at the thought of this woman forgetting her own son.

  “After that, I just turned off all of my emotions to keep myself from feeling the pain I felt that day. How could a mother just abandon her own child? Two children? I know she recognized me, but it’s like I didn’t exist to her once she walked out.” He wipes his cheek and the tear that falls, doesn’t go unnoticed. “You remember that night you asked me if the pain of losing a parent ever goes away?” I nod, not ready to speak yet. “The truth is the pain you feel from losing your dad and the pain I feel from being abandoned is different. Your dad was taken from you unexpectedly. My mom willingly left and never looked back.”

  I shake my head and cross my legs. “Pain is pain, Jackson. It all hurts the same.”

  “You don’t get it; it’s not the pain from her leaving that I still feel. That pain left the day at the store, but it’s the pain of going through it again. Of getting close to someone and feeling happiness and love, only to have them leave me because I’m not good enough.”

  I look up, flabbergasted at what he’s insinuating. “Is that what you think? That I’m just gonna leave you when something better comes along?” He doesn’t say anything. I set my fruit down, getting up on my knees, I move between his legs so we’re only inches apart. I look him right in the eyes, seriously and say, “I’m not your mother. And I’m definitely not Amber. I’m the same girl I’ve always been. The girl you’ve always trusted, but you have to still trust that I’m not going to change. Until you can trust me with your whole heart, there’s always gonna be a wall of doubts and mistrust between us. I know your mom hurt you and I know it’s hard to trust anyone after that. But I swear, I’ll show you every day how amazing you are and how much I love you.”

  He places his hands on my thighs in a stroking fashion. “While I was trying to stay away from you, I was being a coward; pretty much what my mother was. You didn’t do anything wrong, I overreacted. I’m so fucking sorry for putting you through stress and pain. It wasn’t fair to you. The holidays are the worst for me, but that’s not an excuse. So,” He reaches into the pocket of his coat, pulling something out. “Since I wasn’t there for your birthday and for Christmas, I got you something.”

  He hands me a framed photograph of me and my father. I was eight and I’d caught my first fish ever. His smile was so wide with pride. My breath catches in my throat. “I told you I’d remind you of all the wonderful times you had with him. Remember that day?” I nod, tears falling down my cheeks. I look up, trying to smile through my overwhelming emotions. “I was so proud of you for not giving up even when those stupid fish kept getting away. You were so brave and determined. But your dad, he was filled with pride and joy. You were his tough girl. It’s one of my favorite things about you. Your passion and determination, it’s sexy as hell.”

  I wipe my eyes, holding the picture with the frame that says, “Daddy’s Little Girl”.

  “Oh, I have something else.” He pulls out a small box and my eyes widen. He nods for me to open it. “Go on.”

  I remove the lid and take out a charm bracelet with several charms already attached. “Oh Jackson.” There’s a charm of a fishing pole, paint set, heart and New York skyline. “It’s beautiful.”

  He takes it from my shaking hold, “Let’s put it on you.” He clasps it over my wrist; the cool metal hitting my skin.

  “Thank you.” I touch it, admiring them. “I didn’t get you anything.”

  He pulls me close, reaching out to touch my cheek, wiping th
e remains of my tears. “I don’t need anything. I just want you. I’m sorry for being an asshole. But I wanna prove to you that you’re all I need in life. And I wanna be yours. I wanna be the reason you smile, the reason you laugh, the reason you love. Even the reason you breathe. As selfish as that sounds. I wanna be everything for you. I wanna be enough.”

  “You are enough, believe that.” I lift his hand up to my lips and kiss each finger, my gaze still fixed on his.

  “I found a lot of old pictures of my mom. I burned them all.” He shakes his head and looks at me with sad eyes. “Heartless, huh?”

  I’m not sure what to say, so I just hold his hand in hopes my warmth seeps into his skin, comforting him. “She’s missing out on her children’s lives and it was her choice. She’s the heartless one.”

  His response is a gentle squeeze of my hand and it’s enough reassurance that he feels my love. He scoots back and pulls me between his legs with my back pressed against his chest, my head resting on his shoulders. His arms wrap around me like a blanket, shielding me from the cold.

  He’s quiet for a few minutes before he asks, “So what do we do now?”

  “About what?”

  “Our futures? Us?”

  I pull his arms tighter around me. “I just wanna focus on right now and leave the future for later.”

  He kisses the back of my head. “Sounds good to me. But if you decide to go to New York, I’m coming with you.”

  I pause for a minute and wait for the “just kidding” but it never comes. I turn my body so I can see his face and he’s smiling. “Really? You would go to New York with me?”

  He kisses my cheek. “I’d go anywhere with you, Sky. Anywhere. You’re my future. I just need to get over my insecurities and trust my heart.”

  I turn all the way around and kiss him, knocking us both back. We’re still kissing, deeply. “I love you.” I say when I’ve come up for air. “Just one more thing.” I say regretfully. “I’m going to Europe with my mom after graduation. But it’s been planned since I started high school, as a graduation present. My dad was supposed to come too.”

  He shifts my hair to one shoulder, smiling up at me. “I don’t care, Sky. I love you so fucking much. I just don’t care. I can’t live without you, so please don’t ever leave me. We’ll get through it, all of it. I just can’t live my God damn life without you.” He grips the back of my neck, pulling me down so our bodies crush together. And our lips connect, urgent and hot. He reaches for the blanket and covers us, keeping us warm as we spend the next however long locked in an embrace. It’s definitely not the New Year I expected to have, because it’s even better.

  “Happy New Years, Sky.” He whispers in my ear, sending a shiver through my body.

  “Happy New Year.”

  Chapter 29

  Skylar

  School’s been back in session for a few weeks now. I have P.M. off but decided to help out in the library. My classes are easy; my last classes of my high school career. It’s kind of sad to accept that this is the end. Off to the real world we’ll go.

  Talk of prom reaches my ears but I shut it out. I have no interest in attending prom this year. Jackson’s accepted that, even though he wanted to take me. I just think it’s pointless. Either way, he’ll probably be working anyway. Monica’s getting bigger, but she’s also getting ridiculed for getting pregnant in high school. I wanna punch them all and tell them to move onto someone else and leave her alone. Luckily, she expected this and isn’t letting it get to her. They’re having a boy and very excited about it. Jackson and I were asked to be his Godparents. I can’t say I didn’t cry when she thought of us. It was really touching.

  Spring Break is in a month, but Jackson has to work. Randa and Ian are going to San Antonio. So it’s mostly me hanging out with my pup, who by the way is getting bigger and also more of a pain in the butt. I still love her though.

  I step out into the hall, catching Amber coming out of the bathroom. She doesn’t see me at first and it’d be my chance to turn back around and avoid her. But my feet keep moving, in her direction with a mind of their own.

  As soon as she sees me, I don’t miss her sneer and snort and just plain ugly face she makes when she’s in close proximity of me. “What do you want?”

  I don’t cower. “I wanna know why you lied about Jackson. You know he’d never hit a girl.”

  She rolls her eyes, dramatically. “You need to stay out of my business, little girl.”

  I glare at her. “Jackson is my business, so no; I won’t stay out of it. He didn’t hit you and you know it.”

  She eyes me up and down, “You’re nothing. I don’t get what he sees in you. You’re just a pathetic excuse for a person.”

  I cross my arms over my chest feeling self-conscious. “This isn’t about me, Amber.”

  She smirks. “Oh, but it is.” She stalks off. I watch her disappear down the hall; wishing people didn’t have to be so mean.

  I let out a sigh and return to the library. I check the cart I started shelving and work some more on it when my phone vibrates. I take it out of my pocket and smile at the text.

  Jackson: Dinner with me tonight?

  Me: Are you asking me on a date?

  Jackson: Maybe.

  Me: Well, maybe I’ll say yes.

  Jackson: Well, maybe I’ll say I love you.

  Me: Okay, I’ll go. Pick me up at 7?

  Jackson: Aren’t you coming home with me?

  Me: Nope, going somewhere with Randa first.

  Jackson: Okay, fine. See ya at seven. Love you.

  I smile and put my phone back before I get caught with it out.

  At the end of the day, well, right after I finished at the library, I meet Randa at her locker. “So, what’s the plan?” She asks me.

  I look at her funny, wondering the same thing. “Aren’t we going somewhere or something? You said you had somewhere to go.”

  She shuts her locker. “I did. But that fell through. What are you doing?”

  “I’m going on a date with Jackson later.”

  She smiles, “Y’all are like sickingly cute. But I’m happy you two are back together. The happy Skylar is more enjoyable than the mopey Skylar.”

  I nod my head. “I agree.”

  Randa adjusts her bag on her shoulder. “Do you need help getting your outfit together?”

  We start walking toward the parking lot. “No, I just wanna go in my own clothes. I don’t need to dress to impress him.”

  We stop in front of her car. “Are you sure you’re not going to the prom?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. You guys can go. It might be fun for you.”

  She shrugs; we get into her car and drive away from the school. “This is our senior year and you don’t wanna go.”

  “I’m sorry, Randa. I just don’t wanna go.”

  She drops me off at home so I can get ready for my date with Jackson. It seems we don’t get much time together these days since he works so much. I just wish he’d slow down a little bit. He’s not a grown up yet. He can do all that grown up stuff when we graduate. At least he’s responsible, I’ll give him that.

  Chapter 30

  Jackson

  I’m so close to having the money I want for an apartment. I’ve been working my ass off but I imagine it’ll pay off in the end, even if it takes away my time with Skylar.

  I hate that we still haven’t been able to go on our mini road trip. Spring Break’s the perfect time for that but I promised Mick I’d help him at the shop. Some things require sacrifice.

  I pull up to Skylar’s house; she’s already greeting me at the door. Bailey comes out to greet me as well. She’s become as attached to me as I have to her. She’s so adorable. I’ve had two dogs growing up and considering getting one for my apartment, since Skylar will be gone all summer, I’ll need a companion.

  Skylar leans into me, giving me a lingering kiss. “I’ll be right out.” She hands me the leash, “Can you take her?”

  I d
o, “We’ll wait for you in the car.”

  Taking her to the dog park was my idea. I saw one a couple weeks ago, which I never knew existed. We took her there once and she loved it.

  I open the door, “Get in, girl.” She happily hops in the back seat with her tongue lolling out of her mouth. “Don’t chew on my interior, or you’ll be in the dog house.” I close the door and get in on my side.

  Skylar finally gets in, glancing back at the pup. When he gaze returns to me, she smiles. “So, how about dinner with my mom and Brandon next weekend?”

  I pull away from her house, reach over and place my hand on her knee. “Of course. Is that when you’ll meet his daughters?”

  “Yeah, but I was also going to ask your dad and Jared to come. Along with Randa, Ian, Monica and Jake.”

  I chuckle, “Let’s bring all of your neighbors while we’re at it.”

  She faces the window. “I’ll get right on that.”

  We show up at the dog park and it’s not as busy as it was the first time we came here, but there are enough dogs to interact with Bailey.

  Skylar bends down, petting her. “You like it here, don’t you?” Bailey licks her face, jumping up on her. She unhooks the leash, letting her free. “Go, be crazy. Go find some new friends.”

  I find a seat on the bench, watching all the dogs in fascination. I look to my left, where Skylar’s still standing, watching her pup.

  She senses me watching and glances back at me, a grin tugs at her mouth.

  The whole issue with my mom and trust isn’t going to coincide with my relationship with Skylar again. That woman won’t fuck with my future as long as I can help it.

  She finally joins me on the bench and I put my arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer. We watch the dogs play; Bailey comes over to us and jumps up wanting to be pet.

  Skylar sighs contentedly, “I didn’t realize owning a dog would be so fun. Tiring,” she adds, “But fun.”

  I joke, “They’re a lot like babies.” I bump her shoulder.