To Catch a Dream

by Mary Wood

  Arriving home, he was glad that Issy and Tom refused his offer of coming in. ‘No, Will, you just go and be with Bridie. We’ll come by later. You’ve had enough for one day, we can see that.’ Tom shook his hand as he said this, then Issy hugged him.

  ‘Take care of her, Will. She’s to face the pain of her loss proper. As yet, she’s masked it. That can be dangerous for her.’

  Promising her that he would, he took out his baccy tin. He’d only taken up the habit of late, and he found it soothed him. He drew in a deep lungful of smoke and, through the haze it made as he blew it out, he watched Issy and Tom until they turned into the lane. Finishing the last of his cigarette and stamping out the nub-end, he could delay no longer and went inside. He refused the tea his ma had made, then changed his mind and asked her to pour two mugs and he’d take them up with him.

  The door creaked as he opened it to the darkened interior. The thick curtains pulled across the window stopped most of the day from coming into the room. He crept across to the bed and lay as close as he could to Bridie’s huddled form. She moved, turning towards him. Concern seeped into him as he held her. ‘Eeh, Bridie, love, you’re shaking.’

  ‘It’ll be the shock as me body’s been through. Issy was after saying it happens to most women. It’s nothing to be worrying your head about.’

  ‘I’ve brought you a nice drop of hot tea, love.’

  ‘It’s not tea I’m needing, Will.’

  ‘No, love. I’m worried, Bridie, reet worried. I’m worried about you, and . . . well, lass, to tell the truth, I’m worried about your drinking. I can smell it on your breath and it’s still morning. Have the tea.’

  ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Will you listen to yourself, Will? I’ve only just been after having a drop in me tea. Your own mammy gave it to me. She said it would warm me through.’

  ‘Bridie, please, love. Your drinking the gin is getting out of hand. It’s doing you harm and its taking all we have. There was nowt in the pot to pay the doctor with when I went for him the other day. I had to humiliate meself by asking for credit, and he wasn’t good in his manner about it. The pot holds a good few pounds when it’s full, Bridie, and that means a lot of bottles of gin.’

  ‘Oh, Will, don’t – not now. Haven’t you just been laying our son to rest? I can’t take any more. I can’t!’

  ‘Don’t cry. Come on, Bridie love. I’m sorry. We can sort it. Bridie . . .’

  My God, without meaning to, he seemed to have opened her wound up so wide there didn’t seem a way back for her. The noise of her sobs brought his ma rushing upstairs.

  ‘What’s to do? Eeh, Will, what’s to do? I could hear such a racket coming down the stairs to me.’

  ‘We were just talking about her drinking, Ma, and the empty pot, and she took on like this. Come on, Bridie, it doesn’t matter – none of it matters. Come on, love. Aw, Ma, what can I do? She’ll be ill if she carries on.’

  ‘Don’t worry. Happen it’s the shock coming out of her, and she stands need to cry, poor soul. It happens after a birth in the normal run of things, and it don’t take much to trigger it. Let her cry. All women do it and it generally lasts a good few hours an’ all. Try to get her to drink that tea.’

  ‘I . . . I don’t want tea, Will! I want . . . I’m in need of a drop. Oh, Will! I’ve got to be having a drink, please! Please, Janet, tell him. Tell him!’

  Will couldn’t speak for the shock that her begging rendered in him. What had he been thinking? He’d fought his ma to let Bridie have her gin. Oh God, why hadn’t he noticed what it was doing to her? Well, there’d be no more of it. He had to be strong.

  ‘No, Bridie. It stops now. Come on, lass – me and Ma’ll help you. Do it for little Eric, eh? Don’t let his little life be for nothing. Hang onto how it would have been for him to have a ma whose life were about supping, and where she’d get her next one from.’

  ‘Don’t, Will. Don’t be for putting that onto me. I can’t, I can’t. I need the gin to help me cope. Me body won’t stop the shaking. I’m not for standing it. I . . . I’ll kill meself, so I will.’

  ‘Christ! How can you say such a thing?’ At that moment all he could feel in him was disgust. Disgust at this woman he loved and had given his all to. Anger shook through him as he replied, ‘Didn’t I take you on, no matter what? Haven’t I stood by you, tried to give you a decent life? Worked long shifts to keep us going? And this is how you repay me. You take all we have to feed your lust for the drink and you killed—’

  ‘Stop it, son! Stop it now!’

  The room closed in on him. He peered into the distraught face of his ma, then looked over at Bridie huddled up in the furthest corner of the bed, fear and horror masking her face. He turned on his heel and walked out of the room, every limb trembling with the emotions searing through his body. Leaving the house, he walked back towards the hill. He climbed until he saw the boulder in front of him. Reaching it, he sank down, rested his head on it and sobbed.

  Bridie looked at Janet and saw hatred in her face. She recoiled as the vitriol spat from Will’s ma. ‘You bastard whore. You drunken, sneaky whore. Your drinking killed your babby. Brought him on too soon, and he didn’t have a chance. Now you’re trying to kill my son. Well, you’re not going to get the chance – bitch!’

  Janet’s body flew at her, hands clawing and gouging Bridie’s face. Spittle sprayed from her as she ground out the filthy words through gritted teeth.

  Fighting back, Bridie grabbed Janet’s hair. With her strength low, she could only flail out with her fists in an attempt to defend herself from the renewed onslaught, as Janet escaped her clutches. ‘For the love of God, stop, Janet! Why is it you’re fighting me? I haven’t done anything more than you already knew of me.’

  Drained of energy, Janet at last slumped on the bed. Bridie stared at the blood seeping from the split in Janet’s lip, and watched her tears water it down as they ran over her blotched-red, angry face.

  ‘Oh, Janet, I only defended meself. I could do no other. Isn’t it that we are all upset? I’m sorry to the heart of me. I am. Janet . . .’

  ‘Shut your mouth! I wish Will had never met you. Never come under the spell of you. Aye, for in your own way you are a witch. To men you are. And you use what you have in you to get at them.’

  ‘No, Janet, don’t say that. I’m not claiming to be a saint, but I’m not what you put on me, either. You both knew me failings from the beginning.’

  ‘You’re right there. And I tried to live with them, for me son’s sake, but you threw me efforts back in me face.’

  Bridie watched Janet lift her weary body off the bed and leave the room. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what have I been after causing?

  Never in all his days did Will expect to see his ma in such a state. Tufts of her wiry grey hair had loosened from the pins that always held it in place, and blood ran down from her lip. Her tear-filled eyes stared out at him, giving him the feeling she wasn’t seeing him, only someone she once knew. The chair he’d made for her rocked back and forth as her body heaved in a deep breath. On its release, her head sank onto her chest.

  Will leapt forward, saying, ‘Ma, Ma! Oh, Ma, what have I done to you?’

  Looking up, she whispered, ‘Sommat has to be done, Will. She’ll be the death of us both, if not.’

  ‘Naw, Ma, she’ll be reet. You said yourself she’d been through a lot. I should have thought on. Aye, it’s reet we have to tackle her drinking, but what possessed me to do it today – the day as we buried our firstborn? I’ve had time to think. I called in on the Irish and bought her a bottle. We’re going to let her have a small drop and get her off it, bit by bit.’

  ‘Aye, if you say so.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Ma. There’s nothing more I can do. But I’ll not stand for you being hurt. I’ll make that clear. Now, rest your head back. I’ll just take this up to calm Bridie, then I’ll get some water and bathe your wounds and make a nice drop of hot tea, eh?’

  She didn’t answer him, but she di
d smile. As he went up the stairs, he tried to dispel the feeling that the smile had held triumph. That he could take, for he’d been brought up on it, but what Bridie had done to her – to them – could he ever forgive that?

  Opening the door to their bedroom, he knew he could. And at that moment he loathed his ma. His ma’s injuries had broken his heart, but they were nothing to what Bridie had suffered.

  ‘I was only at defending meself, so I was . . . Oh, Will. Can you forgive me? I never meant to hurt your mammy. I . . .’

  She spoke through lips swollen to twice their size. Her face was unrecognizable. Ripped as it was, he wondered if it would ever recover. No words came to him in answer.

  ‘I’m going to be after trying to give up the drink. I promise.’

  ‘Aye, I’ll help you, me wee love. But, here, I’ve bought you some. Just a sip now and again, eh? We’ll count how many you have, and cut it down over a time, eh?’

  ‘Ta, Will. I want you to know I love you, and if it’s in me power, I’ll do it. For you and your mammy.’

  ‘Alreet, lass. Sup that now, and I’ll be up in a minute to help you get sorted. There’s nowt we can do about today, except learn from it. It’ll mend. Me love for you will make sure of that.’

  24

  Five years later – late May 1886

  Evil is as evil does

  Andrew folded his paper and put it down with the precision of a man with something on his mind. ‘Dvina, dear, I think we should sort out Jeremy’s schooling. If we want him to get into one of the good schools by the time he is seven, we need to put his name down.’

  ‘I’ve been dreading this moment, Andrew. Do we have to talk about it? He is still a baby.’

  ‘No, he isn’t, and I won’t allow you to look on him as such. He turned five years old in March, for God’s sake! That’s two months ago, and I had been hoping you would broach the subject yourself rather than me having to do so.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry, but I cannot bring myself to think of parting with him.’

  ‘You will end up making him soft and Mummy-dependent. I am happy for him to have home tutors for a couple of years, as long as you leave his education and guidance to them, but after that he must go to school. He depends on us to prepare him for the world. That cannot happen if he remains around your skirts for too long.’

  ‘Well, thank you for that. I thought I was doing a very good job with him. He helps out in the stables and is around Tom and Henry a lot, and he knows more about horses than any other child could hope to at his age. He takes his knocks. He isn’t a cry-baby, I instil courage into him and, all in all, his enquiring mind has us researching all sorts of things. Not least the workings of the mine where his papa spends most of his time! I think, when his tutors arrive next month, they will find a well-advanced, well-balanced little boy.’

  ‘Of course, dear. I didn’t mean to imply . . .’ Beaten by her logic and straight talking once again, he gave in. ‘Well, maybe we could stretch it till he is eleven, then. Yes, perhaps I was putting too early an age on it. But we must still think about getting his name down.’

  Talking about these mundane things had become the usual topic of their conversation these days. Andrew still loved Dvina, but he increasingly found his faithfulness to her very hard-going, and couldn’t believe that five years had passed since his last illicit taking of pleasure with someone else. Not that he’d gone any further than a kiss, but by God he’d wanted to.

  The impact of that one kiss remained with him today. Had it not been for finding out soon afterwards that Bridie was with child, he would have taken her as his mistress there and then, but her losing the child had taken its toll on her and there had been concerns for her health.

  After that she seemed to lose interest and had avoided him. His own ardour for her had lessened, and he’d thrown himself into his commitment to Dvina. Not that that had been difficult at first, but of late the fascination with Bridie had rekindled and he’d become unsettled once more.

  It had started within a short period of her little girl being born, in around February of ’84. To his shame, this had coincided with Will’s worsening condition. Obviously, Will couldn’t have kept Bridie happy in a sexual way, and her being made as she was, she began to see others – well, himself, at least – as potential lovers. Though this sounded pompous, even to himself, the evidence was there to substantiate him believing it.

  Whenever they’d met – which was orchestrated as being by chance, and often by her – her eyes locked into his, sending him unmistakable messages. And when no one was about, innuendo had passed between them. All of this had fuelled his desire and had him fantasizing about what it would be like to lay with her.

  Then, a stroke of some sort had taken her mother-in-law down and left her bedridden, and with poor Will succumbing more and more to the blasted bane of the mining world – the fatal coughing sickness – the right moment had never presented itself. Andrew rarely even caught a glimpse of her these days, as Bridie always seemed to be cooped up taking care of her family. Maybe after . . . No. For God’s sake! I cannot allow myself to hope for someone else’s demise so that I can satisfy a need I have – especially someone as good and harmless as William Hadler!

  As if inside his mind, Dvina shocked him by mentioning Bridie: ‘Changing the subject, Andrew dear, I have a worry I’d like to talk to you about. When I was out riding the other day, I saw Will Hadler’s wife. She was sitting by Seamus’s campfire with him, of all things. She looked very settled and at home. I thought it strange, and as you—’

  Shocked, he thought Dvina was going to take him to task on his fancy for the woman, so he cut in, steering the conversation in a different direction. ‘Oh, is Seamus back? He hasn’t been around for a while, and I had hoped he wouldn’t be coming this way again. Something has changed in him. I think he could be dangerous. What did you make of it?’

  ‘I couldn’t make anything of it. It looked innocent enough. She sat a few feet away from him. They didn’t see me.’

  ‘Do you think they were arguing?’

  ‘What a funny question! I have no idea. Why?’

  He told her about the last time he’d come across Bridie and Seamus.

  ‘So they knew one another before she came here, then? Didn’t you say her husband had said she needed to get away from someone? I hope Seamus isn’t the one. We don’t need any trouble on the estate and, with what is happening already to them, neither do Will and his mother.’

  ‘No, that’s true, though his wife has a lot to contend with, you know, looking after both of them. Maybe she was just having a moment’s respite. By the way, I’ve charged Dr Payne with looking after the mother while he is visiting Will, and I am picking up the bill.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, Andrew. That’s one of the things I love you for: your kindness and thoughtfulness, even towards your workers. They are very lucky, and I hope they know it.’

  ‘Oh, you still love me then?’

  ‘Of course, you know I do. Don’t I show you enough?’

  He laughed at this. The little minx was flirting with him. He liked that. He knew she often tried very hard to be the wife he wanted in all things, and the fact that she wasn’t enough for him wasn’t her fault. It was some despicable demon within him, and it was a demon he knew he’d not be able to keep down for much longer.

  Standing up, he went over to her and kissed her cheek. ‘And I’m very lucky to have you, my dear. And you know how much I love you, as I am always showing you.’ They shared a smile; their conversation was often a friendly game of touché. ‘Do you fancy a ride out? I could do with some air. I might try to find out how things are, with Seamus being around again. I’ll stop and talk to anyone I meet, to see how the land lies.’

  ‘I won’t, if you don’t mind, dear. I promised Jeremy he could have another riding lesson in the paddock this afternoon. I was going to ask you to join us, but I think it’s important you go on your mission. I really am worried something may be a
foot. You can sort of sense these things in a small place like this.’

  Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. Sometimes Andrew felt he himself didn’t exist and that their son took precedence on her time.

  ‘That was a big sigh. Did you really want me to accompany you? Of course I will. I can get Tom to supervise Jeremy. His nanny will be on hand, so there won’t be a problem if he needs any attention.’

  ‘No, no. It was a selfish sigh. I did feel a bit peeved for a moment. But, thinking about it, I’d probably get more out of folk on my own.’

  ‘Full of compliments today, aren’t you, Mr Harvey!’

  ‘Ha! You deserved that. No, it’s just that they are used to dealing with me in a straight way. They hold you in such reverence that you make them tongue-tied.’

  ‘I think you had better go, before you put yourself in so much trouble you can’t get out of it. You might find our connecting door locked for a few nights, if you carry on.’

  He laughed at the look on her face. There was so much to love about her. Why, why can I not be satisfied with that?

  The afternoon held the last remnants of the late spring in its air. There wasn’t enough warmth to give it its early summer standing, but it was pleasant enough and ideal weather for riding the estate. Not all the trees and bushes were yet clothed in their full greenery, though very few bare branches remained.

  Tom met Andrew with his mount. Every time he saw Tom, he wondered about him and Issy having no issue as yet. After all, neither of them was young, and they should really have had a family before now. He tutted at himself. Wasn’t Dvina always saying he was like a mother hen where his workers were concerned? He was beginning to think her right. Just look at him now. The last thing he’d had on his mind earlier was to ride out today, and now here he was sitting high in the saddle ready to sally forth like a knight on a white charger, to make sure all was well with his charges. This thought had him smiling.