Enough

by Mary Jennifer Payne

  “That was quite a while,” Nan says, folding the newspaper on her lap. “Everything work out?”

  I twist my face into a frown. “Not really. You won’t believe what happened. My lock was cut. All my stuff was cleared out of the locker.”

  “What?” Nan asks, her voice sharp with concern. She sits straight up. “That’s unacceptable. What do you mean your things are missing? Why would your lock be cut?”

  My story has more holes in it than a slice of Swiss cheese. Nan’s right. Why would my lock be randomly cut?

  “I don’t mean cut. Well, not exactly. A bunch of lockers were broken into. The school is looking into it…the locks may have been cut. I don’t know. I guess they don’t know…at least not yet.” I’m rambling, so I sit down on the sofa. “It’s not a huge deal. Just lost some library books and a smelly change of gym clothes.”

  Nan stares hard at me for a moment, and I get the feeling she wants to ask me more. Raising an eyebrow, she settles back into her chair. “Well, I doubt that kind of nonsense will be happening at your new school. I know you’re not officially attending until the new year, but I think it would be good for you to go in on Monday and meet a few of the teachers, and maybe drop in on that drama club.”

  “Sure,” I say, tucking my feet under me. “Oh, I ran into Maie in the lobby. She asked me if I could walk Chester in the mornings for the next while.”

  Nan’s eyes darken. “She did? Did she say why?”

  “No.” I’m taken off guard by Nan’s questions, but I shouldn’t be. I’m digging myself deeper and deeper into a sticky web of lies. “She looked kind of tired to me. I guess she might just be feeling a bit off.”

  Nan nods. “I’d be grateful if you could do that for her,” she says. “And if you need a break, I’ll be happy to help you walk Chester. I sometimes look after him so she can go to bingo on a Saturday night.”

  My heart leaps into my chest. “That’s okay. It’ll be good for me to get up early and stuff.” How would either Maie or I explain the sudden appearance of a second dog? And I certainly can’t ask Maie to lie to Nan about Trixie. She’s already doing so much for me.

  “Well, how does chicken and rice with some greens sound for dinner?” Nan asks, folding her newspaper and placing it on the table beside her. I could be wrong, but she almost seems a bit sad.

  “Great,” I say, getting up so I can help her in the kitchen. “Can I ask you something?”

  “I have a feeling you’re going to even if I say no,” Nan says with a laugh as she stands up.

  “What did Mom say to you when we went over to get my stuff? About me being here? About what’s been happening at home?” My stomach does a nervous flip-flop. Shame reddens my cheeks.

  Nan looks hard at me. “Lizzie, your mother has a very serious issue with alcohol. What she has to say holds little water with me. It’s the addiction talking, not her.”

  “But what did she say?” I feel like a little kid begging for a chocolate bar at the supermarket. Though I know Nan doesn’t want to tell me, and that I should just let it go, I don’t. Suddenly, nothing in the world matters more than finding out what was said when Mom and Nan talked the other day.

  “Your mother thinks you’re trying to seduce Dean. And because of that, she doesn’t want you back in the house.” Nan looks at me, her eyes wide with sadness. “Then I told her she was as mad as a dog with rabies, and that she needed to get herself together or else I’d be coming for Charlie as well.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Throughout dinner I try to push what Nan said out of my mind. After all, I should hardly be surprised. The night I left, Mom made it clear she believed Dean when he said I’d been hitting on him. But to not want me back at home? That hurts so deeply. Does she mean forever?

  “Something wrong with my cooking?” Nan asks, watching me push the remaining rice and greens around on my plate.

  I can’t manage another bite. There’s nothing wrong with the food—I just feel too nauseous to eat. Usually Nan wouldn’t stand for waste, but I think she knows what’s up. My heart feels like it’s splintered inside my chest. Everything aches on a soul level.

  After washing the dishes, I go to my room. It is actually a den the size of a walk-in closet. I want to check my messages in case Charlie’s tried contacting me.

  I sit down on the air mattress Nan bought for me to use as a bed. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I’ve got a couple of warm blankets, and the mattress is surprisingly comfortable considering it’s not much more than a big rectangular balloon.

  I’ve got three new texts and two phone messages. I cross my fingers, hoping everything’s okay with Charlie, and open my text messages.

  As soon as I see who sent the messages, my blood runs cold, and my hands start to shake. None of them are from Charlie. They’re from Fahad. All three messages. Taking a deep breath, I begin to read.

  Baby girl, I’m sorry I blew you off like I did. Where have you gone to?

  I just couldn’t deal. My parents were on me like gum on a shoe. No excuses, felt I’d had nuff but can’t leave my girl on her own.

  Missing you. Give us another chance?

  My fingers begin dialing before my brain can talk sense into me.

  Fahad answers after just one ring.

  “Hey, you,” he says. “Let me just get to my bedroom to talk.”

  I don’t say anything. Instead I wait, holding my breath. There was definite happiness in his voice when he answered the phone, which allows my body to relax for the first time since everything happened with Dean.

  “Baby, where you been?” he asks. “Is everything okay?”

  “I’m transferring to Mary Ann Shadd Secondary,” I reply. “Mom doesn’t want me living with her anymore.” My voice trembles as I say the words out loud. I know Nan keeps telling me it’s not Mom talking, just the alcohol and addiction, but I still have my doubts. Maybe Mom was looking for an excuse to get rid of me because Dean and I fought so much.

  “What? That’s all the way downtown,” Fahad says. “What do you mean your mom doesn’t want you at home? She kick you out?”

  “I’m living with my nan in Regent Park. It’s one of the closest secondary schools.” I stop, not really wanting to get into the reasons behind Mom kicking me out. Thinking about it makes me feel like I’ve fallen down a dark hole. I don’t want Fahad knowing too much, especially about what Dean did to me. What if he ended up believing it was my fault, just like Mom did? We’d have no chance of getting back together then.

  “How are we gonna see each other?” he asks. “We’ll only have the weekends. Does your nan know you’ve got a boyfriend?”

  “No, because I didn’t think I had a boyfriend anymore,” I answer quietly. Of course, it’s not something I would’ve told Nan anyhow. I have the feeling she’d think fifteen is too young to be dating and that I should be concentrating on school instead.

  “Lizzie, I’m sorry I went off on you like that. I was stressed with exams and studying, and your call was the last straw. I just needed a break from all your drama.”

  “You realize I don’t want this drama, right?” I say, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. “It’s not like this is the life I’d choose. I’d do anything to have my dad and my family the way it used to be.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that, baby,” Fahad says. “Listen, why don’t I come down there this weekend? Is there a place we can meet alone? Somewhere warm?”

  Having Fahad back in my life right now would mean so much. I don’t want to say no to him, but I’m afraid that if Nan finds out I have a boyfriend, she might wonder if I am a bit of a slut like Mom says I am.

  Suddenly, the perfect plan hits me. “I have an idea how we can be alone and hang out for a bit tomorrow night,” I say. “But I’ll need to get back to you in the morning. Okay?”

  “Sounds good. Sweet dreams.”

  With that, Fahad ends our call. Though I should be feeling really good about getting back together, I get off the phon
e feeling nervous about seeing him again. How do I know he won’t just turn around and not want me again?

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next morning I’m up with Nan. The sun has barely risen. Shuffling to the kitchen, I pour myself freshly made coffee from the pot and toast some multigrain bread. Feeling like a complete zombie, I sit down at the table to eat. I didn’t sleep well last night, as I couldn’t get Trixie’s health, Charlie and the worry about what is going to happen with Fahad and me off my mind.

  “Well, you’re up early,” Nan says with a smile. She is wide-eyed and so full of energy that I wonder if she’s some kind of superhuman cyborg instead of a regular sixty-year-old.

  “I’ve got to get to Maie’s to take the dogs…I mean, Chester, for a walk.” I stuff a piece of toast into my mouth and take a final swig of coffee.

  “Go easy on the coffee, Lizzie,” Nan says. “At your age, you shouldn’t really be having any at all. Bad for the skin and the mind. Are you sure you don’t want some company?”

  “The walk will give me a chance to clear my head.” I feel bad saying no to Nan’s offer to join me. She’s likely wondering why I don’t want her to come along. “I’ll be back shortly.”

  “Just be careful and watch your surroundings,” Nan says, blowing on her tea. “The streets can still be alive at this time.”

  I run back and give her a kiss on the cheek. “Will do. Love you, Nan.”

  She shoos me away with her hand. “Go on. Stop getting all mushy on me.”

  With a laugh, I turn and head to Maie’s place.

  Maie answers the door on the fourth knock. She’s in her housecoat and has a red-and-black-paisley bandanna wrapped around her head. Her appearance takes me by surprise. Dark circles line her eyes, and her skin is corpse white. She looks really sick.

  “Come on in, Lizzie,” she says weakly. “Do you want a coffee?”

  “I hope I didn’t wake you up,” I say, taking a few steps inside. “Am I too early?”

  At the sound of my voice, Trixie comes running from the kitchen. She barks excitedly. Relief washes over me. She looks much better than yesterday. In fact, I swear her fur and eyes are shining in a way I haven’t seen for a long time. I scoop her into my arms, and she bathes my face with ticklish kisses.

  Maie coughs deeply. Her chest sounds like it’s stuffed with glue. She shakes her head at me as she tries to regain her voice. “Not…not too early at all. I’ve been up for hours. Hard to sleep last night, and I wanted to keep your sweet Trixie company.”

  “Thanks so much. She looks great. I think you’ve had a really healing effect,” I say, clipping Trixie’s leash onto her collar.

  Maie reaches down to unclip Chester from her scooter. “My love, I truly wish I had the power to heal. Have a lovely walk. Are you going to be warm enough out there?” Her eyes scan my torn jeans and sneakers.

  “Yeah,” I say. “The cold doesn’t really bother me.”

  Maie shakes her head and laughs. It’s a deep, raspy laugh. “You young ones. I’m going to get myself more presentable while you’re all out.” She laughs again, except this time her laughter is tinged with sadness.

  I suddenly remember my plans with Fahad. “Nan said you like to go to bingo. If she went with you tonight, would you go? I’d be happy to stay here and look after the dogs.”

  The sagging corners of Maie’s mouth slowly turn up into a smile. “I just might be able to find a spare couple of dollars and my lucky dolls to do that. Thank you, Lizzie. If Rosie doesn’t mind helping me get there and back, I’d love to go.”

  Her voice is full of gratitude, which immediately makes me feel like a jerk. After all, I’m mainly offering to watch the dogs so that I can have Fahad over. And I’m not even telling Maie that I’m inviting a stranger into her home. Nan would take my head and bounce it into next week if she knew. I wonder if I should just tell Fahad to come and meet me at Tim Hortons. Thing is, I want to see him somewhere more private if I can.

  I take Chester’s and Trixie’s leashes and head out. Maie was right. It’s cold outside, and it feels like I’m snorting dry ice every time I breathe in. Both Trixie and Chester are pretty small dogs, so I figure we’ll all feel better if I keep the walk short.

  We turn down the street, past rows of new townhouses. The ones that people with money bought are slightly nicer than the ones on the opposite side of the street. Those ones, which are lived in by real Regent Park residents, don’t have balconies with expensive barbecues, one-car garages or fancy alarm systems. I lead the dogs toward a large park by what turns out to be an aquatic center. One side of the building is almost entirely windows, and I can see what looks like a water aerobics class for older people going on. For some reason, this makes me sad. I sit down on a bench and begin to cry.

  The tears won’t stop coming. I take in big gulps of icy air and try to suffocate my sobs. It’s too much. I can’t do this. Images and feelings from the other night with Dean come flooding back. I’m confused. I feel like a whore. Trixie begins to whimper.

  “Hey, are you okay?” a soft voice asks.

  I look up and am startled to see a woman directly in front of me. Her dark hair is slightly messy, and mascara smudges the skin under her deep-brown eyes. My eyes travel over her black booty shorts, knee-high stiletto boots and her slightly dirty, silver metallic jacket. She looks exhausted.

  “Aren’t you cold?” I ask, drawing Trixie and Chester closer to me.

  The woman laughs. It’s a nice laugh, kind of musical and full of joy. “Pretty girl, don’t worry about me. You’re the one out here crying like your heart’s being torn apart by a pack of wild dogs.”

  “I’m okay,” I say. “Just not feeling great about my life and who I am at the moment. Thanks for asking though.” And I mean it. This woman took the time to stop and make sure I’m all right even though I’m a total stranger.

  She frowns. “Don’t let that feeling continue. You’re a pretty girl. Bet you have people who care about you and love you.”

  Generally, I would’ve gotten up at this point and walked away. But something about this woman makes me stay.

  “My mom kicked me out. Her boyfriend…he…” I pause, my voice catching in my throat. “He abuses me. And I don’t even know if my boyfriend is actually my boyfriend anymore.” Tears roll down my cheeks, quickly turning into little rivers of salty ice.

  Sadness fills the woman’s eyes. “I understand—believe me, I do. But I didn’t ask you that. I asked who loves you and cares about you.” She runs her hand through her hair, and I notice her skyscraper-sized, cherry-red nails.

  “My nan does,” I reply, thinking about how she took me in without question when I showed up. “And her best friend, Maie, cares for me as well.”

  “See, all you need is two people in this world to love you.” She’s shivering now, moving back and forth to warm herself.

  “You need to get inside,” I say. “It’s too cold out. I’m going to have to head back to my nan’s as well.”

  “What I need is a cigarette and a coffee,” the woman says, her voice thick with sadness again. “Well, it was nice meeting you…”

  “Elizabeth…Lizzie. My name is Lizzie,” I say, reaching out to shake her hand. That’s when I notice how thin her wrist is and see the white scars running up and down her coffee-colored skin. She sees me looking and pulls down the sleeve of her coat.

  “It was wonderful meeting you, Lizzie,” she says, smiling widely at me. “Take care of yourself and have a Merry Christmas.”

  “You too,” I say, getting up and heading back the way that I came. Suddenly I realize I didn’t get her name.

  “Hey, I don’t know your name.” Clouds of white vapor stream into the air with each word. “And how come two people? Why don’t you need just one person to love you?”

  She stops and turns around. “You need someone in this world to love you like your nan does, but, more important, you need to love yourself, Lizzie. Don’t end up like me, not loving yourself
enough to stop selling your body to people who don’t care if you live or die. And it’s Angel. My name is Angel.” With that she turns on her massive heels and unsteadily makes her way along the sidewalk toward Dundas Street.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I meet Fahad at the corner of Parliament and Carlton at six o’clock. As soon as he steps off the streetcar, I can’t help smiling. He walks over and gives me a massive hug. I hold him close, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne mingled with mint gum.

  “I missed you so much,” I say. Trixie and Chester are both with me, and Fahad bends down to pet them.

  “You didn’t say you brought Trixie along with you,” he says with a frown. “This is for real, isn’t it?”

  I nod as we begin to walk. “Yeah, it’s for real,” I reply, stopping to untangle the dogs’ leashes.

  A light snow begins to fall, giving the crowded street a false feeling of calm. Colored lights adorn the lampposts and shop windows. I realize there are only two weeks left until Christmas and can’t imagine Charlie being on his own, without me, that morning. Even though we didn’t get much in the way of presents, we always got each other something small, and Mom usually got us each something we wanted.

  I check my watch. Nan and Maie were leaving at six, so I figure we’re pretty safe to head back.

  “We can go to my friend Maie’s place,” I say. “Chester’s her dog.”

  “Sounds good.” Fahad pulls his hood farther down over his forehead and narrows his eyes against the falling snow. “Are you really not coming back to Roseview? To the hood?”

  “I don’t really know,” I say, swiping the fob against the apartment’s front-door keypad. “Everything is really screwed-up right now. I’m not going home anytime soon. And I definitely won’t go back if Dean is still there.”

  “Too bad we couldn’t just make him disappear,” Fahad says. “I’d love to get my hands on that guy in a dark alley. Just a few minutes somewhere private. He’d never bother you again.”

  Tears spring to my eyes. We’re in the elevator, and so even though I turn my head away, my reflection in the mirrored walls gives me away.