What She Really Wants For Christmas

by Rawlins, Debbi

  “I’ll be right there,” she called on her way to the bathroom. She stopped to splash her face with cold water. This was the second time she’d had the same dream. Both times it seemed so incredibly real. And both times she’d felt overwhelming relief. If that made her a horrible person, too bad.

  That indifference didn’t stop her hand from shaking as she peeked through the blind. Luckily, it was only Mary Ellen.

  Liza opened the door, and covered an unexpected yawn.

  “I wasn’t sure you were home.” Mary Ellen frowned. “I’m sorry. You were sleeping.”

  “Only a short nap.” She pushed a hand through her messy hair. This afternoon she would splurge and get a trim and a manicure. She’d just paid the rent last week and had a few bucks left over. “Come in.”

  Mary Ellen hesitated. “Am I bothering you?”

  Liza waved her inside. “Come on before Rick knows I’m home.”

  The woman quickly stepped inside. “I haven’t seen him today.”

  Liza closed the door. “How about last night?”

  “He was carrying on a bit. But someone from the second floor threw a bottle at him and he disappeared.”

  “Have a seat.” Liza went to the refrigerator, her entire body tensing. One of these days someone would call the police on him, and who knew how that would set him off. “I’ve got cola or orange juice.”

  “Juice, please.”

  “Where’s Freedom?”

  “Outside playing.”

  “No school today?” Liza asked casually, already knowing the answer. She really hated that Mary Ellen kept her out of school. The child was too gifted, for one thing, and in all of the craziness of Liza’s childhood, education had been her saving grace. She’d been a good student in spite of herself, mostly because she’d loved books of any kind. They’d been her escape. And eventually, her fondness for reading helped get her into college.

  “No,” Mary Ellen said quietly, and took the glass Liza handed her.

  Liza sat across from her with her own glass of juice. She didn’t like the stuff but she’d taken her attorney’s advice to heart. Showing up in court looking like crap wouldn’t help the case. “She’s a bright girl. I bet she does well in school.”

  Mary Ellen stared down at her lap. “I’m holding her out for a year.”

  “Is that wise?”

  The woman’s head came up. “Don’t call social services. I teach her the best that I can at home.”

  “I know it’s none of my business but—”

  “You’re leaving. What do you care?” The slight belligerence in Mary Ellen’s voice was a total surprise. To her, too, apparently. She looked away sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

  Liza didn’t say anything at first. She had her own problems to deal with. “Look, in a couple of weeks I might be able to help you out. Get you a better apartment. Find a good school for Freedom.”

  Mary Ellen frowned. “Why would you want to do that?”

  Good question. The old Liza wouldn’t even have made friends with this woman in the first place. She sighed. “I might be coming into a little money.”

  Mary Ellen said nothing, but looked at her expectantly.

  “And I want to be nice. That’s all.”

  “Oh,” she said, blinking several times, as if the concept was entirely foreign to her.

  Liza got it. This was new for her, too. How self-absorbed she’d been these past few years. Hadn’t she learned anything from her parents? Hadn’t she sworn she’d never be like them? “Hey, when was the last time you got your hair cut?”

  She fingered the ragged ends. “I cut mine and Freedom’s hair last week.”

  “No, I mean going to an honest-to-goodness stylist who even washes and dries your hair for you.”

  Mary Ellen’s eyebrows shot up. “That costs a lot of money.”

  “It’s okay. We’re going today. My treat.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep. I know a place near the discount store around the corner that takes walk-ins.”

  “I’ll have to take Freedom with us, but she can sit in a chair and wait.”

  “Good.” Liza mentally calculated how much money she had in her purse and how much gas in her car. “We’ll have burgers and shakes after that.”

  Mary Ellen beamed. “Cool. I’ll go call Freedom.”

  “Not too loud, all right?”

  Mary Ellen nodded, her solemn eyes acknowledging that if they woke up Rick, their afternoon would be ruined.

  After the woman left, Liza went to brush her hair, and then got her purse and keys. Paying for two haircuts meant no manicure, but she didn’t care. The look on Mary Ellen’s face was worth it.

  Liza made sure the door was locked and then went to meet the other two at Mary Ellen’s end apartment. Freedom came running out the door.

  “Mama’s putting on lipstick,” she said, all excited. “I never saw her do that before.”

  “Did she tell you why?”

  “We’re going out.” She grinned, displaying a missing front tooth.

  “Okay if I come?” Liza teased.

  “If Rick will let you.”

  She stared in disbelief at the child. “I don’t need Rick’s permission.”

  She nodded, her expression somber. “Yes, you do. You’re an abused woman just like Mama.”

  Chapter 12

  “Meet me for lunch,” Evan said the moment after Liza answered her cell phone.

  She smiled. “Who is this?”

  “The guy with the fireplace.”

  “Oh, that guy. In that case, I’m interested.” She took the phone into the bedroom with her, and stretched out on the lumpy mattress. Just hearing his voice and her resolve to keep her distance went right out the window. “Are you at your office?”

  “Yep. Someone canceled, so I have an extra half hour. Hold on a second.”

  She waited, listening to him talk to the nurse about referring a patient to an endocrinologist. She heard the rattle of paper near the phone, and then heard him murmuring some numbers as if reading from a chart. Finally, he gave the name of a couple of prescriptions for the nurse to call in to a pharmacy.

  “Sorry about that,” he said. “So what do you say? Want to save me from all this?”

  Liza briefly closed her eyes. The moment she stepped foot out of the apartment Rick would be all over her. Like two days ago. What a nightmare. As soon as she’d gotten back with Mary Ellen and Freedom, he’d been in her face, demanding to know where she’d been and wanting money for cigarettes and booze. Of course, he was stoned out of his mind. And that Freedom had to witness any of it had made Liza so angry she’d nearly hauled off and knocked him down the stairs.

  The worst of it had been the calm acceptance in Freedom’s eyes. Liza had felt as low as an ant. She hadn’t left the apartment since, and Freedom’s words kept bouncing off the walls. The wise little girl knew what Liza had refused to face for the past year. The difficult thing was, what was she willing to do about it?

  “What time?” she asked slowly.

  “Give me another moment,” he said, and she heard a woman’s voice in the background.

  “No problem,” Liza said, but he was gone before she even got the words out.

  She sat up briefly to rearrange the pillow behind her back and then settled in. She wasn’t ready to leave right away, although at least her hair still looked decent. Amazing since all she’d done was lie around all day and feel sorry for herself.

  She knew she had to have a serious talk with Evan, about the diaries, about Rick, and she dreaded it with every fiber of her being. It wasn’t something she could comfortably explain over the phone, and she’d planned on doing it after the concert this evening. But maybe it was better to talk to him at lunch. Not only to get it over with, but a finite period of time would preempt questions she didn’t want to answer.

  The thing was, she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to say to him. Or at least how she wanted to say it. In less than two weeks he
r entire life would change, whether the judge ruled in her favor, or not. If she lost the suit…

  She didn’t want to think about that possibility. But her persistent avoidance was a huge problem, too. She had to be prepared for an adverse outcome. And getting seriously involved with Evan was exactly what she didn’t need right now, for her own sanity, but mostly because it wasn’t fair to him.

  “Liza?”

  “I’m here.”

  “Well, I’ll have to rescind the lunch offer. One of my patients had the audacity to have an emergency.”

  “That’s pretty rude of them.”

  “I thought so.” Lowering his voice, he said, “But I plan on making it up to you tonight.”

  She smiled. “What’s tonight?”

  “The concert.”

  “Oh, I forgot.”

  “You are coming, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, I was teasing. What time?”

  “I’ll pick you up at your place at six-thirty. You’ll have to give me the address.”

  Yeah, right. That would happen. “I’ll meet you at the station parking lot.”

  “Come on, Liza. That’s ridiculous.”

  Tonight she’d explain everything. Not now. “I thought you had a patient to attend to.”

  “She’s on her way in. I have another ten minutes.”

  “Then grab something to eat.”

  “I’d rather talk to you,” he said quietly. “I miss you.”

  A catch in her throat stopped her for a moment. “I saw you a day and a half ago.”

  “I know. It feels like a year.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Am I embarrassing you, or making you uncomfortable?” he asked, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “Too bad. I’ve gotten used to your mug across from me.”

  That couldn’t possibly be true. Although why not? She missed him. As soon as she’d seen it was him calling, like a stupid twit, her pulse had quickened. “We haven’t even gone out for two weeks yet.”

  “So?”

  “That was eloquent.”

  He chuckled. “Deal with it.”

  Liza laughed. Even though lunch wasn’t going to work out, she liked that he’d asked her. The afternoon wouldn’t have finished in his bed. He apparently just wanted to talk. Share a meal. Because he missed her. Damn. This was not good. This was only supposed to be about sex.

  “I’ll have to be going,” he said, “so about tonight…”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, before staring at the cracked ceiling. “This will be the last time we meet at the station. I promise, Evan.”

  After a brief pause, he asked, “Is everything all right?”

  At the quiet concern in his voice, her resolve to come clean with him seemed to strengthen. It felt so right that a year of tension seemed to evaporate from her body. She was going to tell him everything. No holding back. He’d be the only other person on this earth who knew about Rick and the diaries. She wouldn’t ask for Evan’s help. Wouldn’t accept it if he offered. But no more lies. “The best it’s been in a long time.”

  “Liza…”

  “It’s okay, really.” She sat up. “Tonight. What shall I wear?”

  “Something sexy.”

  “Right.”

  “Anything. You always look gorgeous. I’ll see you at six-thirty.”

  “Hey, wait. I’ve been meaning to ask…” She wished she could see his face at that moment. She hoped she wasn’t being totally nuts for hoping too much. “What do your folks usually have for Christmas dinner?”

  * * *

  Liza had never been into clothes or fashion trends. When she’d worked for Just Between Us she’d actually owned a couple of dresses that she needed to wear on occasion. But even then, since her job was behind the scenes and had little to do with airtime, she mostly wore jeans. But tonight, she wanted to be different. She wanted to feel pretty. She really wanted to wow Evan.

  How many times had she passed him in the hall at the station? How many times had she heard the assistant producers and wardrobe women making remarks about him? Every single one of them would’ve drooled all over themselves had he asked them out. In fact, she was pretty sure that Sally in wardrobe had taken the step herself. Although Liza didn’t think anything came of it or she would’ve heard about it. The whole studio would’ve heard. Oh, boy, Evan would’ve loved that.

  Liza smiled. Just because she’d thought of him. Man, when did she get so goofy? When had she started thinking beyond how great the sex was? She’d even told him she’d go to his parents with him for Christmas. The thought was sobering. She hadn’t given her own mother a phone call for the past two Christmases. Nor had she received any calls from her.

  It had been like that since Liza’s father had died. Ironic since Liza had always thought he was the one who disrupted the cohesion of their family. But his body had barely gotten cold when resentment started to build, like a hurricane, gaining momentum each day and methodically destroying the fragile bond between Liza and her mother, until Liza couldn’t stand the sight of the woman who was supposed to have protected her.

  Restless suddenly, she paced the small apartment, trying to get mentally organized. If she wanted something nice to wear that meant shopping. Not her favorite thing but she could handle it. At least the outing would distract her from her decision to come clean. Since she’d hung up the phone she’d changed her mind twice. In less than two weeks everything would be decided. If she wanted to wait, she could explain everything to Evan then.

  No, she was done being a coward. She liked Evan, and she wanted him to know the truth about Rick and about the lawsuit. He’d respect her more, right? Knowing that the lawsuit wasn’t about personal gain. A huge plus, but most of all she didn’t want to remain under Rick’s thumb. She didn’t want to be another Mary Ellen.

  After Liza balanced her checkbook, trying not to get depressed, she wrote down a figure that she needed to sustain her and Rick for the month, and then another sum she’d be forced to give him for booze, drugs and cigarettes. The amount left was pitiful. No matter what the outcome of the lawsuit, she had to get a job after the first of the year. She looked forward to it. She never thought she’d actually long to be normal. Good grief, what had Evan done to her?

  Shaking her head, she grabbed her car keys and purse. She had three hours to get to the bank, go shopping and deal with Rick. This afternoon she’d give him an extra forty bucks. That ought to get him good and stoned. And out of her hair for the evening. Yeah, that was mean and ugly, and she didn’t care. As long as he stayed out of her face.

  * * *

  Her coat was old and ratty and should’ve been retired a year ago but Liza slipped it on anyway and quietly left the apartment. She didn’t want anyone to see her dressed in the new off-the-shoulder royal-blue sweater and sleek black pants, not even Mary Ellen, and least of all Rick. Although she was pretty sure she didn’t have to worry about him. He was already so damn wasted before she gave him the vodka he’d asked her to pick up earlier.

  She knew, too, that he had two extra grams of smack stashed under the couch. In the old days she would’ve confiscated it in the hope he’d forget about it. That maybe if a day without the stuff stretched into a week his craving would diminish and the old Rick would be back. She’d been incredibly naive to think she could stop him from getting high by throwing out his drugs and booze. He always found more. Always. As if by magic. Even when it seemed impossible.

  Just like her father had seemed to always have money for his beer and gin, when only canned tomato soup stocked the pantry for his wife and child, or that for a week at a time she’d been sent to school without lunch money, or even a lousy piece of fruit to quiet her empty belly.

  Now she knew better. She couldn’t change someone who didn’t want to change themselves. All she could do was maintain her physical and emotional distance to keep herself as sane as possible.

  Once she made it to her car, she removed the coat and threw it
on the backseat before she got in. For a second she thought she heard the revving of a motorcycle engine and she quickly looked around. A few cars were parked behind her, and two kids were playing with a large orange ball. No motorcycles in sight.

  Chalking it up to nerves, she started the car. Traffic was fine on this neighborhood side street, but she knew it would be heavy on the way to Midtown so she allowed herself an extra ten minutes. She’d been lucky to find the sweater on sale. It was truly gorgeous, and it fit her perfectly. So did the satiny slacks, and it felt as if she were in high school again, so anxious to see Evan that she wanted to burst.

  She wasn’t the most patient driver, especially during rush hour, and a dozen expletives later she pulled into the station’s parking lot. A whole lot more cars than normal were still there and she wondered what was going on. Did the unusual crowd have anything to do with Just Between Us? Sometimes they had a special show or a special guest. And as senior producer, had she still been working there, that show would have been her baby.

  A pang of nostalgia got her right where it smarted the most, and she had to block it as fiercely as a mother bear protecting her cub. She had to stay sharp. Unemotional. Tonight was important.

  She found a spot at the far end of the parking lot. No way would Evan be able to see her, which meant she had to get out and wait closer to the station door. The idea certainly didn’t thrill her. She didn’t need to bump into Eve or Jane or any of the other lottery winners. But she had little choice, short of parking illegally, which in itself was nearly impossible in the crowded lot.

  After checking her makeup in the rearview mirror, she climbed out of the car. Out of habit, she glanced around, although she’d bet her car that Rick wouldn’t wake up until tomorrow. Another check of her watch and then she started in the direction of the station door.

  Evan was already standing outside. Instead of a sports coat, he wore a gray suit and red tie, which made her glad she’d gotten more dressed up than usual. He smiled as soon as he saw her, and her heart all but burst in her chest. A large pickup truck blocked their views for a moment and then she stepped around it just as he came off the curb.