She didn’t hear the door open, didn’t hear Ben’s footsteps as he crossed the room. The first she knew was when he pulled her into his arms. Zoë clung to him, needing his strength to support her both physically and mentally.
‘It’s all right, sweetheart. Don’t cry. It’s going to be OK, I promise you.’
He whispered the words in her ear and Zoë longed to believe them, but there was no guarantee he was right. Her treatment might work but it might not and then what would happen? It wasn’t fair to expect him to look after her as well as their baby. Stepping back, she deliberately freed herself and him from the emotional bonds.
‘Sorry. I’m a bit overwrought at the moment.’
‘Overwrought isn’t how I’d describe it, Zoë.’ His expression was grim. ‘You’re wearing yourself out because you’re too stubborn to accept that you need to slow down and let people help you.’
‘I know what I’m doing,’ she said sharply, attempting to step around him. The last thing she felt like doing was arguing when they were bound to disagree. She didn’t have the strength.
‘Do you?’ Ben stepped in front of her. ‘This is what you would recommend if you had a patient who was pregnant and undergoing chemotherapy, is it? You’d advise her to keep pushing herself to exhaustion point to prove she can manage?’
The irony in his voice stung and she glared at him. ‘No. I would advise the patient to do what she thought was best for her, just as I’m doing. This is my way of dealing with the situation, Ben. It has nothing to do with anyone else.’
‘And especially not me.’ He folded his arms, looking so stern that she quailed inwardly. ‘That’s the real explanation, isn’t it, Zoë? You’re so determined to stop me helping you that you’d rather endanger your own health, not to mention the health of our child.’
‘How dare you accuse me of that? Everything I’ve done has been for the sake of this baby.’ Her hand went protectively to her stomach but Ben didn’t relent.
‘I dare because it’s true. I thought you were many things, Zoë, but I never thought you were selfish.’
‘Selfish,’ she echoed numbly.
‘Yes. You know that I want to help you, but you won’t let me. You prefer to let me worry rather than accept my help.’
‘I’m trying to make this easier for you,’ she whispered, stricken by the accusation.
‘How? By cutting me out? By making it clear that you don’t give a damn what I think?’ He laughed bitterly. ‘I’m sorry, Zoë, but it isn’t working. It was the same when we were together before. You never understood that I wanted to share the bad times as well as the good with you.’ His eyes grazed over her and she saw the pain they held. ‘Obviously, you’ve never loved anyone enough to understand that, and certainly not me.’
Zoë didn’t know what to say. She’d thought she was protecting him when all she’d done had been to cause him more pain. She stood in silence after he left, wondering if he was right. Should she accept his help? Was it kinder to involve him rather than cut him out? Was it what she should have done two years ago, told him the truth and explained her fears?
All of a sudden she realised he was right. It wasn’t only the good times that made a relationship work but dealing with the tough times too. That’s what she and Ben should have done in the past, but was it what they should do now? Should they deal with this together?
If she knew with absolute certainty that she could beat this terrible illness, she would be tempted—very tempted—but she had no idea what was going to happen. She couldn’t see further than the next few months and that wasn’t far enough, certainly not enough to offer Ben in return for his help. She couldn’t bear the thought that she might become an object of pity to him, a burden. She really couldn’t do that to him. So long as she knew that he would be there for their child, it was enough.
CHAPTER TWELVE
BEN had no idea if he had managed to get through to Zoë, although he doubted it. She could be so stubborn when she chose, he thought savagely as he made his way to Resus. All he wanted to do was to help her but he couldn’t force her to accept that—she had to realise it herself. And the chances of her doing that at the moment were nil.
Sam was attending to the pilot, and looked up when Ben appeared. ‘Urine sample shows a very high concentration of urea and potassium.’
‘Obviously his kidney function has been impaired. That’s what I was worried about.’
Ben tried to clear his mind as he stopped beside the bed. The pilot’s BP, heart rate and oxygen saturation levels were being monitored and he automatically checked the readings. The man’s BP was up, his sats were low but, all things considered, he wasn’t doing too badly. He’d been fitted with a catheter and Ben checked the output of urine, frowning when he saw how little had collected in the bottle.
‘He’s going to need dialysis,’ he said, glancing at Sam. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the door open and his mouth compressed when he saw Zoë come into the room. What was she doing here? Didn’t she have the sense to know when to give up? Or was she so intent on proving that she didn’t need his help that she was prepared to push herself to any lengths?
He swung round before Sam could reply and strode across the room. ‘You are not needed here, Dr Frost,’ he said, his voice sounding so harsh that he scarcely recognised it. He was aware that everything had gone quiet, but he didn’t give a damn if people were listening. Zoë’s health was his number-one concern, whether she liked it or not. ‘You’re to go home immediately and unless you look demonstrably better in the morning, I don’t want to see you back here. Is that clear?’
‘You can’t do that.’ An angry flush stained her cheeks as she glared at him. ‘If I say that I’m fit to work, that’s the end of the matter.’
‘That’s where you’re mistaken.’ Ben stared back, unwilling to give an inch. ‘I am in charge of this department and in my opinion you aren’t fit to finish your shift. Either you accept that and go home, or I will take the appropriate steps to terminate your contract.’
She looked at him as though she couldn’t believe what she was hearing but he didn’t back down. He didn’t want to upset her, but sometimes it was necessary to be cruel to be kind. The silence seemed to last for ever as she debated what to do and then she spun round and stalked out of the door.
Ben clamped down on the urge he felt to follow her as he went back to his patient. He wouldn’t apologise for what he’d done. Someone had to make Zoë see sense and that someone had to be him. He and Sam had a brief discussion and agreed that the pilot needed to go to the renal unit as soon as his ankle had been seen by the orthopaedic registrar. In the meantime, he would need careful monitoring. It was rather like a juggling act, weighing one procedure against another and hoping that all the balls would stay in the air.
A bit like his life, Ben thought grimly as he signed the patient’s notes. He seemed to be forever juggling Zoë’s needs against what she would allow him to do for her. He was terrified that at some point all the balls would drop and that would be it. But somehow, some way, he had to keep control for Zoë’s sake. She needed him even if she refused to admit it. The fact that he needed to be allowed to help her was something he didn’t intend to dwell on, however. He only had to remember their earlier conversation to know how pointless it was. Zoë had never loved him as much as he’d loved her and there was no way that he was prepared to place himself in the position of being hurt again.
Zoë had never felt so angry in her life. That Ben had dared to speak to her like that in front of their colleagues was beyond the pale. Instead of growing calmer on the journey back to the apartment, her temper soared. She’d be damned if she’d allow him to treat her like an imbecile!
She went straight to her room and dragged her suitcase out of the wardrobe. Opening the drawers, she bundled her clothes into it then went into the bathroom, scooped up her toiletries, and tossed them in as well. The case seemed to weigh a ton as she hauled it into the sitting room and went t
o phone for a taxi, but she wasn’t going to wait until Ben came home so he could treat her like a half-wit again. She was leaving immediately and she wasn’t coming back!
Once the taxi was booked, Zoë felt a little calmer. It was so unlike Ben to behave that way, she thought. He rarely lost his temper and he had never lost it before with her. She sighed. He must have been pushed to the limit to have treated her that way and she couldn’t help feeling guilty. Maybe she should have admitted how tired she felt instead of trying to carry on?
By the time the taxi arrived, her anger had fizzled out, leaving her feeling deflated. It didn’t help either that she had nowhere to stay, although, hopefully, she would be able to get a room at the hotel tonight. She briefly debated what she would do if that wasn’t possible but still hadn’t decided when the taxi driver buzzed again to remind her he was waiting. She grimaced as she wheeled her case to the lift. She would have to think of something.
Zoë had just reached the foyer when a car drew up outside and her heart sank when she saw Ben leap out. ‘And where do you think you’re going?’ he demanded, coming to a halt in front of her.
‘The hotel.’ Zoë propped the heavy glass door open with her elbow while she attempted to drag her suitcase through the gap but, typically, it got stuck halfway.
Ben shook his head as he freed it for her. ‘This is silly, Zoë. It’s late and you’re tired.’
‘And I have no intention of staying here and being spoken to the way you spoke to me before.’ She whipped up her anger again because it hurt to see the bleakness in his eyes and know she was responsible for it.
‘I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t make it right but I was worried about you. That’s why I reacted the way I did.’
There was no doubting his sincerity but Zoë was afraid that if she wavered now, she would waver again in the future. She didn’t want there to be a repeat of tonight, couldn’t bear to think that she and Ben would end up arguing again. It was best if she left, cut some of the ties if not them all. After all, it was the baby who needed Ben’s help, not her.
‘I apologise as well for being so stubborn. I did feel rotten and I should have had the sense to go home.’
‘So now that we’ve sorted that out, won’t you come back inside?’
He touched her hand, just briefly with the tips of his fingers as though he was afraid that if he took too big a liberty he would scare her. Maybe he would too, Zoë thought miserably, scare her into doing what she wanted most of all. How she longed to love him and know that he loved her in return. It was time she put the past behind her and enjoyed whatever time she had left, be it long or short. She wanted to let herself love Ben so much that it hurt.
Tears filled her eyes and she blinked them away. Even if there’d been the slimmest chance that Ben returned her feelings, she couldn’t have told him how she felt. She couldn’t give him her love, ask him to love her, when one day that love might be snatched away.
‘I think it’s best if I leave, Ben.’ She shook her head when he went to interrupt. ‘It’s not just what happened tonight. It’s time I found somewhere else to live rather than impose on you.’
‘You aren’t imposing on me.’ The taxi driver beeped his horn and he glanced impatiently over his shoulder. ‘Let me pay off the cab while we discuss this properly. It’s a big decision, Zoë, and it’s not one you should make in a hurry.’
‘No, the decision is already made. I’ve made it,’ she said firmly because he needed to understand that she was determined to see this through. Maybe it had been anger that had driven her to leave, but now she could see it was the best thing to do. ‘I appreciate everything you’ve done for me since I came back to Dalverston but I need my own space. So do you. Living and working together in these circumstances is too stressful.’
‘So where will you go?’
He seemed to have accepted her decision and she was grateful for that. ‘I’ll find a flat as soon as I can. In the meantime, I’ll stay at the hotel tonight and book into a B&B in the morning.’
He pulled a face. ‘You need somewhere decent to live, Zoë.’
‘I know, and I’ll be very choosy, I promise you.’ She took hold of her case, knowing that if she lingered she wouldn’t be able to leave.
‘I’ll take that.’
Ben carried her case over to the taxi and stowed it in the boot. Zoë rolled down the window, smiling as hard as she could when she saw the worry in his eyes. ‘I’ll be fine, Ben. Don’t worry about me. There’s no need.’
‘I’ll always worry about you, Zoë.’ He leant forward and kissed her on the lips. His mouth was so gentle that her heart overflowed with love. It was all she could do not to tell him how she felt when he drew back. ‘Take care. You know where I am if you need me.’
He handed the driver a twenty-pound note and told him to take her to the hotel then stepped aside as the taxi set off. Zoë twisted round in her seat to wave but he had already gone inside. She sank back in the seat, wondering if she was mad to leave. She could have stayed with Ben until their baby was born and then…What? Would she have left him then, or would she have found another reason to stay? And another and another? Could she honestly see herself taking their child away from Ben once he got to know it?
All of a sudden it hit her how flawed her original plan had been. She’d seen Ben as a back-up, the person who would take over in the event of her death. Her main concern had been their child’s needs, but she hadn’t made any allowance for what Ben might need. He wasn’t a substitute but a very important part of their son’s or their daughter’s future, and she could never cut him out.
Zoë took a deep breath, overwhelmed by a sudden feeling of relief. It meant that Ben would always be part of her future too.
Ben could scarcely believe how badly everything had turned out. As he let himself into the apartment, he could feel the shock ripping him apart. If anything happened to Zoë because of this, he would never forgive himself.
He went to the cupboard where he kept some bottles of spirits and poured himself a stiff whisky. However, one sip was enough to make his stomach roll with nausea. He put down the glass and paced the floor, wondering what to do. There had to be a way to persuade Zoë to come back, but for the life of him he couldn’t think how to set about it. He was afraid that anything he said would make the situation worse, although maybe it wouldn’t be pushing matters if he checked that she had arrived safely at the hotel.
A few seconds later he was speaking to the receptionist, who assured him that Dr Frost had checked in a short time earlier. Ben thanked her and hung up, deeming it wiser not to ask to be put through to Zoë’s room. He had to give her some space, let everything calm down in the hope that she would see sense.
He groaned. What he thought of as sense didn’t automatically correspond with Zoë’s views, did it? She was an intelligent woman with a mind of her own, and he’d made no allowance for that. No wonder she had decided to leave. She had warned him that she didn’t want him interfering and he’d ignored her. He wouldn’t blame her if she decided to have as little as possible to do with him from now on. He would still see her at work—for as long as she was well enough to work—but there may be minimal contact beyond that. All he could hope was that she would still allow him to help with the baby when the time came.
Ben let out a gusty sigh. Life had seemed pretty grim when he’d woken up that morning, but it was nothing to how it felt right now!
Zoë managed to find herself a room in a B&B the following morning. It was clean and close to the hospital, and that was all that mattered. The thought of having to look for a flat was a daunting one, but she decided to worry about it at the weekend. At least she had somewhere to stay that wouldn’t cost a fortune.
It was with some trepidation that she went in to work at lunchtime. Although she still felt tired and slightly nauseous, she felt better than she had done the previous day. Her main concern now was how everyone would react after what had happened then. Abby was in the staffroo
m when Zoë arrived and she greeted her with a sympathetic smile.
‘Hi! How are you feeling? You look a lot better than you did yesterday, I must say.’
‘I feel better too,’ Zoë stated firmly, hanging up her coat. She followed Abby out of the room, pausing when the other woman stopped.
‘Everyone understands how worried Ben is, so don’t feel awkward about what happened yesterday, Zoë. Nobody will make a big deal of it, I promise you.’
‘That’s good to hear,’ Zoë said thankfully. Abby was right because everyone treated her as they always did. By the time Ben arrived back from his lunch, she felt more relaxed and it showed.
‘You look much better today,’ he said as he came over to her.
‘I feel better,’ she said simply. ‘I overdid it yesterday but I won’t make that mistake again. I intend to pace myself from now on.’
‘Good.’
He left it there, not even asking her if she’d managed to book into the hotel the previous night and, perversely, Zoë felt a little put out by his lack of interest. She dismissed the thought by telling herself that she was being ridiculous. She was the one who had decided to strike out on her own and it had been the right thing to do.
The afternoon flew past. Fractured limbs and sprains seemed to be the order of the day and Zoë lost track of the number of people she sent for X-rays. She was due to have another round of chemotherapy that afternoon and had timed her appointment to coincide with her teabreak. She made her way to the oncology unit and booked in. She had just sat down when she saw Mr and Mrs Morris, Bethany’s parents, coming along the corridor. They recognised her immediately and stopped.
‘It’s Dr Frost, isn’t it?’ Alison exclaimed.
‘That’s right.’ Zoë stood up. ‘How are you both? And how’s Bethany?’ She sighed. ‘I followed up her case so I know that she’s been diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. I’m so sorry.’
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