Beyond the Rage

by Michael J Malone

  ‘Don’t sink so,’ she answered and then made a strange noise that Kenny realised was a chuckle.

  The door opened behind him and Kenny heard someone enter the room.

  ‘Thought I told you I don’t want you here,’ his Uncle Colin said.

  Kenny looked at his uncle. ‘I think your wants are relegated to the bottom of the pile for now, don’t you?’

  ‘Ah... but...’ Colin blustered.

  ‘Grow up, Colin,’ Kenny said to his uncle and turned back to his aunt. For her sake, that was as harsh as he was prepared to be, but if Colin wanted to start something he would be happy to take him outside and convince him that was how things had to be.

  He was lucky he was showing so much restraint after what had happened this lunchtime.

  When Alexis turned up, Tommy Hunt had looked so smug it was all Kenny could do not to re-arrange his teeth.

  ‘What the fuck is going on here?’ Kenny demanded.

  Alexis looked at him as if afraid to speak and then a look clouded her eyes that was unreadable. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing jeans, a T-shirt and a dress jacket. Clothes that Kenny had never seen her wearing. It was as if she had borrowed them from someone.

  Hunt stood up and moved towards her, placing a hand on her elbow. The old stag claiming the hind.

  ‘I think you should apologise to the lady for your language, Kenny.’

  ‘I think the young lady should explain what the fuck is going on.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Kenny...’ Alexis moved closer to Hunt as if under his protection. ‘I just haven’t had a chance to...’

  ‘I was worried you were dead, Alexis.’

  ‘Oh, c’mon, really. That’s a bit dramatic, Kenny,’ said Hunt in a voice that Kenny thought took patronising to a whole new level of irritant.

  ‘Butt out, old man.’ He turned to Alexis. ‘A phone call. All it would have taken was a phone call. I think I’m owed that at least.’

  ‘I’ve never been spoken to...’ Hunt was pushing his face into Kenny’s and it was only with an act of supreme will that Kenny didn’t crash his forehead onto the bridge of the older man’s nose.

  ‘Are you fucking deaf? I told you to butt out.’

  ‘I invited you here to talk business. Then I was planning to spend an afternoon with my young friend here. If you’re going to be so rude you can...’

  ‘Alexis, what’s going on?’ Kenny stepped back and to the side. If Hunt touched him he, couldn’t be responsible for his actions.

  ‘I’m working, Kenny,’ she said and studied the floor.

  Kenny opened his mouth and nothing came out. He looked from one to the other. Alexis couldn’t meet his gaze and Hunt was trying to stare him out like he was the alpha dog.

  ‘Is it him, Alexis? Is it?’ Kenny moved back towards Tommy. Hunt could be Mr Big. It all pointed to him. Kenny’s face so close that all he needed to do was stick out his tongue an inch to touch the other man’s face. ‘If it’s him, tell me cos I’m just looking for an excuse.’

  Kenny felt her hand on his arm.

  ‘I swear I didn’t know you’d be here,’ Alexis said. In her agitation, some of her hair had become loose from the ponytail and was partly obscuring her left eye. ‘I needed to get back to work and this is my first...’

  ‘I could have helped you. I could give you money,’ Kenny said. ‘You don’t need to...’ He broke off. The thought of this old man’s flabby arse working above her was almost more than he could take. She was his now, didn’t she see that? He didn’t realise he was holding her arm until Hunt grabbed at his.

  ‘Oww, Kenny. You’re hurting me.’ Alexis whimpered.

  ‘I think you should leave the young woman alone, Kenny. And if you ever think you’re going to get work from me, you’re sadly mistaken. In fact, consider yourself unemployable in this city.’

  ‘What’s your game, mate?’ Kenny demanded. He thrust his hands in his pockets, ashamed that he’d hurt Alexis. ‘I get it. You watch me working and becoming more legit, more successful and more of a threat. You think you can show the young pup a thing or two. You contact my woman and employ her as your whore in front of my eyes. Is that your message? You’re bigger than me? You’ve got more money than me? Is that it?’ Kenny was shouting and he didn’t care. He could see that people around them were watching. A waiter and another man were walking towards them. Kenny ignored them.

  ‘You know what, old man?’ He straightened an index finger and prodded Hunt’s chest. ‘I’m on to you and your demonstration. This is nothing but a pissing contest. We should just pull out our dicks right here and now and see whose is the biggest and just get it over with. Why don’t we just do that?’

  ‘Oh for goodness sake, grow up,’ said Hunt. ‘You’ll embarrass the young lady.’

  ‘It’s nothing the young lady hasn’t seen before,’ said Kenny. ‘In fact, why doesn’t she just get on her knees right now and give me her special.’ Kenny was beyond sense. He wanted to hurt her.

  Alexis’ mouth was open in disbelief. She crossed her arms and looked as if she was ready to give Kenny a blast.

  ‘You bastard,’ she said. ‘You utter...’

  ‘Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave,’ the man in the suit said who’d just arrived with the waiter. ‘Or we’ll have to call the police.’

  ‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ said Kenny. Too loudly. Heads turned in their direction from all around the room.

  ‘Sir, if you don’t leave now, I’m going to have to call the police,’ the manager said. He raised an arm as if he was about to grab him. Kenny gave him a look that could pierce muscle tissue. He dropped it but held his gaze.

  ‘I think you should just go, mate,’ the waiter said in a low quiet voice that suggested he’d met a few nutters in his time and knew just how to deal with them.

  Kenny looked at Alexis. Then at Tommy Hunt.

  ‘You’re welcome to each other,’ he said and walked away.

  • • •

  So wrapped up in his anger was he that barely registered when his Uncle Colin was speaking to him. His aunt’s good eye was fixed on him.

  ‘If you’re going to visit, at least say something,’ Colin said.

  Kenny looked at him in response. Considered an apology. Rejected the idea. ‘I’ve had a difficult morning,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah. Welcome to our world, Kenny,’ Colin mumbled.

  ‘Why don’t... you... leave me... and Kenny... to talk.’ Vi managed to say.

  ‘You sure, sweetheart?’ Colin held his wife’s hand and shot Kenny some ice with his eyes. ‘You spoil him, you know?’

  ‘He’ssistersson.’ The sentence slipped out of her mouth as if in one long drawn-out sibilant syllable. He’s my sister’s son.

  Colin looked across his wife’s slim form at Kenny. Whenever his eyes met Kenny, they were full of resentment, disappointment, anger and any other number of emotions he hadn’t the skill to articulate. His wife was ill and he was at a loss without her. Kenny was the fall guy. Or maybe something else. And he was happy to bear that particular burden.

  His uncle’s expression softened as he looked into his wife’s eyes. His smile all but collapsing in on itself; his eyes begging her to get better. Colin was just holding it together and witnessing this made Kenny feel almost sorry for the man.

  Once Colin left the room, Kenny moved closer. He sat on a chair and leaned forward with his elbows on the bed. He held his aunt’s small frozen hand in his great mitts.

  ‘Wanted to talk before I die,’ said Vi.

  ‘Nonsense,’ said Kenny. ‘The doctors are saying you’re on the mend, Aunt Vi.’ He looked into her eyes and he was a small boy again and dependent on this woman for shelter and safety. She was the one person who asked for nothing but his presence. How could he cope without her?

  ‘W
hat do the doctors know?’ Again with the half-smile. ‘Eejits, the lot of them.’

  ‘You need to stop talking about dying, Aunt Vi, and concentrate on getting better.’

  Vi made a dismissive sound. ‘I feel stronger, son,’ she said. ‘Though I can’t help but feel I’m only leaving here in a wooden box.’

  ‘Vi,’ said Kenny. ‘Don’t. Please?’

  ‘Listen. Don’t talk.’ She paused and allowed her head to sink back into the pillows. She closed her eyes and Kenny could read just how much of an effort this all was.

  ‘I need to confess. This has bothered me all these years,’ she said and her eyes begged forgiveness.

  ‘Vi, stop it. You’ve nothing to confess. Stop it.’ Kenny didn’t want her to continue. He had the certain feeling whatever she was going to say was going to change his view of her forever. And he couldn’t deal with that.

  ‘I need to and you need to know the truth.’ She stopped again and closed her eyes. She opened them again and wiped the excess saliva from her chin. ‘I loved your mum.’ Smile. A smile that lingered on her lips like a goodbye kiss. ‘But I loved your father more.’

  ‘Aunt Vi, I don’t want to hear this,’ Kenny said and sat back in his chair. He wanted to stand up and walk out, but his aunt’s need to offload had him glued to his seat.

  ‘Your mum’s death. My fault. If I hadn’t loved your dad...’ She tailed off and a fat tear gathered in the lower lid of her left eye before beginning a slow glide down her cheek. ‘I had him first, you know. But then once Pete caught sight of my lovely sister, he went off me. Like I was last year’s fashion. I’m so ashamed but I hated my sister. Hated her.’

  Kenny wanted to interrupt her; wanted the words to stop flowing but he was caught up in her story and, despite everything, he needed to know.

  ‘I looked after you like my penance. Colin was also my penance. He knew I loved Pete. Knew he was second-best but he stayed with me.’ She hiccupped a sob. ‘Don’t know what I did to deserve that man.’

  Her good hand waved to the side. ‘Glass?’

  Kenny spotted a tall glass of water with a bendy straw in it. He held it so his aunt could take a sip.

  ‘Thanks, son.’ She looked into Kenny’s eyes. Searching. ‘You two boys. So different. Yet the same father.’

  What? Kenny was suddenly lost. What was she telling him?

  ‘Once your dad had something, he no longer wanted it. My sister. Now his wife. No appeal. So I made him work for me. Gave a little. Withdrew. Became a real little tease until he began an affair with me. I even went through a phase of trying to bring your mum and Colin together so I could have Pete for myself. Didn’t work.’

  Kenny didn’t want to, but he couldn’t deny the truth in his aunt’s tone. He thought once again about the photo he found in the loft. He had looked at it so much it was a fixture in his mind. He had read it all wrong. Colin’s efforts to get close to his mother were not some sad bastard’s attempt at un-reconciled affection. They were an offer of support.

  ‘Ian was born...’

  ‘Aunt Vi, please...’

  ‘I wasn’t sure whose he was. Neither was Colin. I’m sure that’s why Ian’s turned out the...’ She sobbed. Remorse flowing from her in waves.

  Kenny wanted to take her hand and soothe her, but he couldn’t move. He tried to access the adult inside, tried to reason that mistakes were not the reserve of the few, but the small boy who was in permanent residence couldn’t help but be disappointed that his aunt was human after all. Why should she be the one forced to wear such a heavy expectation, he asked himself. He was unable to answer, only knowing that this was the case.

  She was the one adult who had always been there with an ear, a cup of tea and an ‘Aww, son’ expression. She had been sitting on a pedestal his whole life. The fall from such grace would be hard and painful.

  ‘Then you were born.’ Sigh. ‘You were perfect. All the mothers used to coo over your pram. All but ignored poor wee Ian.’ She took another sip and waved away the glass. Kenny placed it back on the table. Vi fell silent. Retreated to memory and the respite of a brief silence. But her need to issue the words was relentless and she returned to her story.

  ‘Pete had what he wanted now. You. And as your mum gave birth to you, she was part of the deal. I was distraught. Once he made up his mind, he looked at me as if I was shit under his fingernail.’ The tears began again. ‘God. If only I could have my time again.’ She closed her eyes. Her face grew flush. She grimaced. Her forehead was beaded with sweat.

  ‘Hot. Too hot,’ she moaned.

  ‘What’s wrong, Auntie?’ Kenny felt a flush of panic. ‘You need a nurse? More water?’

  Vi’s face twisted. Her back arched. A whelp of pain like from a whipped dog.

  ‘I’m going for a nurse.’ Kenny stood up. Vi grabbed his hand.

  ‘Got to finish. My fault.’ She groaned. Her arm twitched. ‘That poor woman.’ She cried out loud and the machine linked to her gave a loud warning noise.

  ‘Vi, you need to stop talking,’ Kenny stood up. ‘I’m going for a nurse.’

  ‘No. Don’t.’ Her hand gripped Kenny’s. ‘I need to tell you everything. It was me. It was all my fault. They killed the wrong woman.’

  35

  A group of nurses rushed into the room like a well-drilled team, purpose etched on each of their faces. One took Kenny by the arm and guided him from the room while talking to him in a calm and authoritative voice.

  ‘You have to leave Vi with us for the moment. Stay outside and we’ll keep you informed.’

  Outside the room and there was no sign of Colin.

  A nurse was at a computer screen in the Nursing Station ahead. She lifted her head from the screen as Kenny approached.

  ‘Did my Uncle Colin say where...?’

  ‘Yeah, he wanted a coffee and a cigarette.’ She offered a smile of apology. ‘Said he’d be back in fifteen.’

  Kenny walked over to the door of his aunt’s bedroom. The curtain was drawn round the bed and he couldn’t see what was happening. He turned and leaned against the wall, thinking furiously. She was going to be alright, wasn’t she? The nursing staff seemed to be incredibly efficient. Surely they’ll do just what was needed.

  His stomach churned. She wasn’t in danger, was she? He remembered her words as he entered her room and her certainty that the only way she was going to leave the hospital was in a box.

  And what the fuck was that all about? They killed the wrong woman. What the hell did she mean by that? Kenny rested his head again the wall as if the structure would give him some level of control over his thoughts. Like it could stop his head from spinning like a drunk’s. He needed to get a better handle on all of this before he lost it.

  He looked down the passageway at the doors that he expected his Uncle Colin to walk through at any minute. They stayed resolutely shut. Should he stay and tell Colin what had happened, or should he leg it while the coast was clear? Whichever action he took, he was sure that Colin would find some way to blame him for what had happened. And he couldn’t handle a more agitated Colin at the moment.

  Nor could he leave him to find out by himself. Should he walk over to the canteen or should he wait for him to return?

  His phone buzzed against his hip and he pulled it from his pocket. He had three texts. The first was from Dimitri. It read,

  Just an update with nothing to report.

  The next was from Alexis.

  I need to explain. Call me.

  Yeah, he thought and you can fuck right off.

  The last one read, Kenny, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you would be with my client. Please give me the chance to explain. A x

  And again, thought Kenny, kiss or no kiss: fuck off.

  The doors squeaked open and Kenny swung his head round.

  ‘Very good,’ Colin said. ‘I leave you
to keep her company and you can’t even stomach more than ten minutes.’

  Kenny walked towards him, his hand raised in a conciliatory manner. ‘Uncle Colin, you need to come and have a seat.’ Kenny wasn’t sure whether it was his tone that worked or the use of the title but his uncle did exactly what Kenny said.

  Colin sat on the edge of a bucket seat and Kenny could see his Adam’s apple bob up and down in his throat as he swallowed. ‘What is it? What’s happened?’

  Kenny ran his hand through his hair. ‘I’m not sure. Vi went a wee bit funny. The alarms went off and all these nurses ran in the room...’

  Colin stood up and sprinted to his wife’s door. Just as he reached for the handle, the door opened and the team of nurses filed out.

  Seeing Colin, the more senior nurse approached him and placed an arm round his shoulder. ‘Your wife gave us a wee fright there, Colin. We don’t know for sure but it looked and felt like a heart attack. Some tests will let us know for sure...’

  ‘Is she...?’ Colin stumbled over the word.

  ‘Good God, man, no.’ The nurse chuckled as if the thought was bizarre. ‘That wee woman’s a survivor. It’ll take more than a stroke and a heart attack to get her.’ As the nurse was talking she was guiding Colin back to his seat. ‘She’s out of danger now and sleeping. You need to give her some time to rest. Okay?’

  Colin nodded.

  ‘You should probably go home and we’ll keep you posted. You’re no use to her here at the moment.’ The nurse looked over at Kenny. ‘You going to keep him company?’

  Colin shook his head. ‘Don’t need company.’ He coughed as if the act gave him strength. ‘Especially not his sort of company. I’ll be fine.’

  Kenny gave the nurse a what-can-you-do? look and said to no one in particular, ‘Right, then. I’m off.’

  In the car park he fired up the engine, pulled off the handbrake and got ready to drive off when his phone rang.

  ‘Hello?’ he said.

  ‘I didn’t think you would answer,’ Alexis said.