Beyond the Rage

by Michael J Malone

  ‘No,’ the waitress replied, clearly still unsure how to take Jo.

  ‘And where might I find this Mason guy?’

  ‘Oh, you don’t find Mason. He finds you.’ Jo shivered. ‘And you pray that you’ve got a can of mace on quick-draw if he does.’

  ‘There’s always a way,’ Kenny said, more to himself. ‘Do you know if he works exclusively for this pimp guy or if he does other work?’

  Jo shrugged. ‘Haven’t a clue.’

  ‘What about the pimp? Any ideas who he might be?’

  ‘None whatsoever.’

  ‘Alexis never gave you any hints?’

  ‘Just that he had layers of people between him and the less savoury side of his work. She called him Teflon Guy.’

  ‘Ever heard of Tommy Hunt?’

  Jo shook her head. ‘Should I?’

  Kenny stood up and pulled his wallet out of his pocket. He counted out four tenners and threw them on the table. ‘That’s for your time. Thanks.’

  ‘Hey,’ said Jo, making a sad face. ‘You never got to try out the Jo Jo special.’

  ‘Another time, eh?’

  ‘Too bad, babes, I would have rocked your world.’

  • • •

  Back at his flat and Alexis was still sleeping. He fed the guys some notes and asked them to stay on standby.

  His mind reeling with all of the recent events in his life and the information provided by Jo, he went into his spare bedroom, stripped and slipped under the covers. So, according to Jo, he was kidding himself on. Alexis would only ever see him as a hard cock with a wallet.

  The curtains remained open all night and all night he studied the stipple on the ceiling and how the moon shadowed the bulb and slender pendant of the light fighting.

  The shape stretched like a warning across the ceiling in the shape of a giant noose.

  39

  He woke early and automatically reached for his mobile. And then checked himself. The person he’d normally be looking for was in his bed, while here he was in the spare. The light from his phone showed that the time was six fifteen.

  Feeling pressure on his bladder he walked through to his bathroom and did the necessary. Over the drum of his piss on the toilet water he could hear voices. He paused before he pulled the flush to listen. The voices were coming from the living room.

  Planting his feet with care he walked over to the living room door and looked in. His TV was flickering light into the room and with the help of this he could see the small shape curled up on his sofa, wrapped up in a quilt.

  Alexis lifted her head, spotted him and cleared her throat. Even in the dark he could read the discolouring on the pearl of her face.

  ‘You coming in?’

  ‘I’m naked,’ Kenny said, pointing out the obvious.

  Alexis shrugged. ‘And it’s chilly. Come here and keep me company.’

  He walked over. She lifted the quilt up and he slipped in behind her.

  ‘Mmmm,’ she said. ‘Nice to have you nearby.’

  Kenny slipped a hand over her stomach and studied the TV.

  ‘What you watching?’

  ‘No idea,’ said Alexis. ‘The voices were just company.’

  ‘Why are we whispering?’ asked Kenny.

  He could feel her answering shrug. ‘It just seems suitable for this time of day. Most of the world is asleep.’ She moved her bum back towards him, pressing against him. To Kenny it felt like a movement a girlfriend might make for heat and comfort, nonetheless her backside was pressing against his penis and the inevitable happened.

  Alexis stretched back and grabbed his solid shaft. She stroked it slowly. Kenny groaned.

  ‘You want me to...’

  Kenny savoured the feel of it for a moment before answering. ‘No, it’s fine.’

  ‘You might be saying so, but little Kenny’s telling me something different.’ He could hear the smile in her voice. And, surprisingly, the longing.

  ‘S’okay, let’s just lie here and enjoy the company and the cuddle.’

  Alexis released her grip, twisted round towards him and allowed her head to fall onto his chest. ‘Thanks for looking after me, Kenny. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.’

  ‘Welcome.’

  They settled into silence, soothed by the smooth tones of the news presenters. A world in distress flitted across their screen and neither of them registered any of it.

  Kenny considered telling her that he had met with Jo the day before but something held him back. Jo’s words hadn’t stopped running through his mind all night. Alexis loved her job. In order to gain Jo’s sympathy, he had pretended he was in love with Alexis and told her his aim was to take her out of the business.

  It was only now with Alexis in his arms that he realised that this ambition wasn’t too far from the truth.

  Alexis was probably used to her punters falling in love with her. This time might be unusual because he had all his own teeth and didn’t need to resort to Viagra. But it was never going to happen, was it?

  ‘What are you thinking, sweetheart?’ Alexis asked and Kenny felt a stab… of what... disappointment? Loneliness? That was a question any ‘normal’ girlfriend might have asked her man.

  ‘Nothing, babes. Get some sleep.’ He pulled a hand from behind the quilt and began to gently stroke Alexis’ forehead – the undamaged side – and from this angle and with the help of the light from the TV, he could see down the swell of her cheek, to the bump of her lips and to where the light dropped off the curve of her chin.

  As he stroked he could hear her breath settle, slow and lengthen. He kept going until he was certain she was sleeping and then with the voices in the background an indistinct hum he felt himself follow her into sleep.

  • • •

  He wasn’t aware of any dreams. He felt her weight rest on his hips, her wetness surrounding his hard flesh and his breathing harsh with pleasure. The feeling grew in his thighs, his buttocks, his gut. He felt his balls so tight they ached; his cock so hard...

  ‘Fuck. This is...’

  ‘Shhh,’ Alexis leaned over him, her lips light against his ear. She leaned forward further and Kenny felt the trail of her hair over his forehead before her breast was offered to his mouth. He took it in and nibbled at her nipple while her hips continued their rhythm.

  ‘Stop... before...’ He didn’t want the feeling to end. But Alexis, reading the speed of his breathing, increased her rhythm and before Kenny knew it he was shouting his climax into the warmed air above them.

  Alexis fell into his chest as if felled.

  Kenny cleared her hair from his face and shifted his weight so that they were side by side. Alexis curled into him and Kenny exhaled.

  ‘That was...’ he said and stopped. It felt crass to try and offer a category. In any case, ten out of ten didn’t quite cut it. He turned his head and kissed her forehead, tasting her sweat.

  ‘Love you,’ he said and the words were out before he could even identify the thought. His chest was tight with it. He could no more hold the words back than he could stop his heart from taking its next beat.

  Alexis pushed up until she was leaning on an elbow. Her expression shifted from one emotion to another. As soon as Kenny gave one a name it was replaced by another; surprise, joy, fear and finally she settled on sorrow.

  ‘You can’t love me, Kenny. I’m flawed. I’m not good enough for you.’ A tear gathered on her eyelid before sliding down the side of her nose.

  ‘Do I not get to decide?’

  She turned in to his side, hiding her face behind her hair. ‘Don’t,’ she whispered.

  Words crammed his thoughts but none found their way from between teeth and tongue. His throat tightened.

  ‘Don’t,’ she said again but this time her voice had an edge.

  ‘I… I… don
’t know where that came from...’

  ‘You were grateful. A fantastic shag and you were grateful.’

  Kenny retreated. Allowed his head to fall back onto a cushion. ‘Right,’ he said. ‘And what a shag it was.’ He laughed and found the noise was tinged with relief. Alexis was giving him a get-out clause and he accepted it gratefully.

  ‘Fancy a cuppa?’ he asked.

  ‘Thought you’d never ask,’ she said and sat up as if lighter. The crisis had passed and they could both now relax. Their relationship had threatened to shift, but was now back onto familiar ground. Client and customer. Victim and protector. Love was a dangerous element to add to the mix and Kenny was forever grateful to Alexis for allowing the moment to slip by. A storm reduced to a breeze by a simple lack of attention.

  Who was he kidding, thought Kenny as he walked into the kitchen and filled the kettle. ‘Love’ was a word that, once said, could never be revoked. In his experience it brought a cost. He would just have to wait and see what that cost might be.

  Minutes later he brought a pair of mugs back into the living room. Alexis made herself comfortable before reaching out with both hands for the drink. Her eyes unable to meet his.

  And so it begins, thought Kenny, the quiet erosion of whatever bond they had built up. He did not accept this feeling with regret, but more with relief. He may have acknowledged his feelings for her but just as easily as the words slipped from his mouth he could dampen them down. He’d done it before. He couldn’t afford to fall in love.

  He sat beside her, claimed back part of the quilt with a grin to her mock complaint and sat down to face the television. How many couples, how many families, across the world allowed their emotions to re-group behind the blaze and blur of a TV screen?

  Except this TV was clear and strong and showing an image of a face he recognised. He tuned in to the voice of the presenter.

  ‘After the tragic death of another addict, will Josephine Connelly’s overdose be the one that finally gets the authorities hunting down this recent batch of fatal heroin?’

  Could it have been just the previous day when he’d sat across a table from that very same woman? The photograph was an old one and her face at that point in her life was lightened by a life well lived. Whatever poor choices she was about to make, or be forced into, had yet to show their disturbance on her face.

  This was too much of a coincidence. He spoke to her yesterday and just hours later she was dead? Was it the money he gave her? Enough for one more fix. Or did something more sinister happen to her?

  Alexis’ head swung round. ‘Did you know her?’

  ‘No.’ Kenny said, fixing his gaze on her, not quite understanding why he decided to lie. ‘Did you?’

  Alexis turned back to study the TV. Swallowed. ‘Never seen her before in my life.’

  40

  Kenny showered, dressed and made them both a breakfast of bacon, sausage and eggs. Alexis made a face when he put the plate in front of her.

  ‘Coffee will do, please Kenny.’

  ‘Nope. Your body needs fuel. Eat up.’

  Whatever her complaint was, she finished the plateful before Kenny. Noticing this, he said, ‘I thought you didn’t want any.’

  ‘Who am I to argue? Besides, you do have a point.’ She worked a smile into her swollen face.

  Kenny winced on her behalf. ‘Still sore?’

  ‘I’ll survive.’

  Something in her tone suggested she’d been through worse. Kenny nodded as if to say he wasn’t surprised. Sipping at his coffee, he stared into her eyes. Was she any different since he stated his undying love? He felt a cringe sour his mouth and curl his toes. Fucking idiot.

  ‘What?’ she challenged.

  ‘There’s so much about you I don’t know.’

  ‘Believe me, it’s best it stays that way.’

  ‘Who for? You or me?’

  She inclined her head and offered a smile. This was a look that worked well when her face was of normal dimensions. It didn’t have quite the same impact when she was so bruised and swollen. Nor was he feeling quite so enamoured of her. Was this because he said the L-word? His natural state was to be on his own, so his head was taking corrective action.

  ‘You should get some ice on that,’ Kenny said, more for a way to cover his confusion than out of any concern. His feelings were all over the place. One minute he wanted to take her away and live on a Highland croft, the next... well, what did he want?

  ‘Will I ever get to know the real Alexis?’

  ‘Be careful what you wish for, Kenny.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Kenny was surprised at the strength of his irritation.

  Alexis rubbed her eyes. ‘Not now, Kenny. I’m tired.’

  ‘Right enough.’ Kenny stood up and walked out of the room. He came back in with his gym bag. ‘I need some head space.’ Alexis was on her feet and in front of him with surprising haste.

  ‘You can’t leave me here on my own,’ she said with large eyes and one hand on his chest.

  ‘S’okay. No one can hurt you here.’

  ‘You sure about that?’ Her eyes were huge, her hand trembling on his chest like a trapped bird.

  ‘Hey, babes,’ – he brought her head into his chest – ‘nobody, but nobody, can hurt you here.’ He held her head in both hands and gently lifted it into view. He kissed her, feeling only tenderness. He would kill to protect this woman.

  ‘Don’t leave me, Kenny. I’m begging you.’

  Kenny chewed on that for a moment.

  ‘I need...’

  ‘Please?’

  Guilt scored a line across his gut.

  ‘I’ll get the guys to sit outside the door?’

  ‘What, Trill and Coma-boy?’ she snorted. ‘Useful as a chocolate teapot, those boys. One’s hyperactive and the other one has all the personality of a lettuce.’ She made a face. ‘I need you, Kenny. I only feel safe with you.’

  ‘Okay. Okay,’ he said as she buried her head into his chest again.

  A muffled, ‘Thank you.’

  • • •

  A few days later, they were on the sofa. Alexis had her head on his lap and was sleeping. From there he could see that the swelling had reduced a good deal and the bruises were shifting colours. She didn’t look quite so freaky as she did when she first turned up on his doorstep.

  Kenny had been online and ordered a delivery of groceries, he’d also visited every website he knew and he was now about to crawl up the wall with boredom and forced inactivity. He couldn’t take much more of this. He needed to do something. He needed some exercise. He needed to find the fucker who hurt Alexis.

  He phoned his cousin.

  ‘Ian. How’s your mum?’

  ‘Awright, mate. Getting there.’

  ‘I can just see that on her medical report. That’ll help the docs get her back on her feet.’

  ‘Sarcasm is the lowest, mate.’

  ‘It’s either that or I pull you through the phone lines and bitch-slap you until you give me some real information.’

  ‘In periods of tension I always recommend some exercise. Or a wee session of self-love, Kenny. You clearly are in need of one. Or both.’

  ‘Meanwhile, I know nothing about Aunt Vi.’

  ‘She’s... they’re not quite sure yet. She’s stabilised a little, but she’s not totally out of danger. On several monitors and drips. The doctors just need time.’

  ‘Thank you. Was that so hard?’

  ‘Oh, and my old man never wants to see you again.’ There was a smile in Ian’s voice as he spoke this often-used phrase.

  ‘Thanks, buddy,’ Kenny said. His voice softened. ‘You needing anything?’

  ‘Apart from a healthy mum and some fresh weed? Nah, I’m good, mate.’

  Next on his call list was Dimitri.
The older man answered his phone after three rings.

  ‘Investigations R US, how can I serve you today?’

  ‘What’s happening, Dimitri? Found anything? Done anything?’

  ‘Morning, Kenny. I’m just about to send you an email. It’s a mock-up of what your father might look like now.’

  Kenny’s laptop pinged. He opened the email and the attachment. A picture bloomed onto the screen.

  ‘Looks a bit...’

  ‘Like you,’ Dimitri finished.

  ‘Plastic, I was about to say. But yes, he is my old man.’ It was in the broad forehead, the cant of the eyes, the line of the nose. No one could doubt he and Kenny were related. Would this be how his father had aged? Early-fifties wasn’t old nowadays, he could still be fit and strong. Hair rusted grey, skin weathered into fine lines.

  Might he have changed over the years? Would he still be the man the boy knew? Loud, charismatic and wearing a fuck-you confidence like a suit of armour.

  ‘Looks good, Dimitri. Forget the milk cartons. I have another idea. Get a hold of the local newspapers in tourist country. Run an advert. Offer a reward for information.’

  ‘We need to give them an interesting reason in the blurb.’

  ‘How about a Canadian relative died without issue and after making lots of money? Make sure you say there’s a house on the edge of a lake.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘The romance of it.’

  ‘Why, will your old man fall for it?’

  ‘My old man will completely ignore it. I’m targeting his neighbours. They’ll think they’re doing him a favour,’ Kenny paused while the idea took hold. ‘And we’ll offer a reward for information that leads to a meeting with him. £5,000. Not too much or we attract the wrong sort of attention, but enough to prod someone from being vaguely curious into activity.’

  ‘Oh man, you’re worth the watching.’

  ‘And get a pay-as-you-go phone from the supermarket and use that as a contact number for the advert.’

  ‘Kenny?’

  ‘What?’

  Dimitri giggled. ‘I am so loving working with you.’

  Kenny cut the connection and continued to stare at the photo as if it could provide all the answers.