by John Austin
10. Use what’s available to gain entry. Patio furniture, bricks, stones, flowerpots, severed limbs, or other yard objects can easily break a window.
Commercial Buildings
What happens if Mr. and Ms. Brains are not home? We recommend the urban buffet located on Main Street. The commercial structures found there may range from simple storefronts to towering skyscrapers to dingy factories, and all of them are brain magnets during a z-virus infestation. Storefronts may hold the promise of much-needed food and supplies, skyscrapers offer the protection of dozens of flights of stairs and up-to-code security systems, and large factories feature additional fencing and steel-plated doors.
You never know what is lurking behind those closed doors during a siege. Is it a brewery or a weapons factory? But the unknown shouldn’t be a repellent. Commercial structures often contain immense square footage and numerous entrances that are difficult to defend, making these locations just as vulnerable as a house—with a possible higher brain return.
Commercial buildings present their own unique opportunities for zombie infiltration.
1. Tap on the glass—breathers love that! Smash the lobby window using your body or another object. Or, depending on your pre-zombie life, the lanyard noosing your neck could have a keycard for this exact building!
2. Industrial sewer systems are more than wide enough to accommodate your spoiled body. Remove manhole covers or storm drains in the vicinity of the property and you may discover a subterranean entrance into the building. But beware: if you’re not careful you could become lost, only to reemerge from the sewers months later with an odor even fouler than when you went down.
3. For one out of every eight zombies, climbing a fire escape is possible (see “Ladder,” page 60). If you are so equipped, once you reach the roof, try to access a rooftop door, or just plunge through a skylight.
4. Air vents: the unsecured entrance. Locate a sizeable vent and tear it open. Enter, and eventually you’ll see the light at the end of the tin tunnel. You may find an even quicker entrance if the duct supports give way under your weight.
5. Windows in commercial buildings vary in many ways, including glass thickness. Most glass is eventually breakable; the windows of financial institutions are the exception.
6. Overrun the loading docks by crawling under the dock seals to gain access to the facility’s warehouse bay. The humans will not expect you to bypass these doors, so the degree of resistance should be scant.
7. If accidentally left ajar, fire exits = zombie entrances. If securely shut, however, they will be impossible to pry open. Fire regulations often require them to be constructed of materials such as wire mesh glass that give them the strength of security armor.
Other Human Infrastructures
Now’s the time to focus beyond your immediate brain lust. In time, humans will attempt to combat the zed invasion by developing weapons with innovative antizombie capabilities. But to create these devices, they will need access to electrical power and possibly global communication devices like radios and cell phones. You and your horde will have a greater chance of survival if you disrupt that access.
For example, consider the benefit of attacking the local nuclear power plant. Once the staff is eaten, either a safety system will automatically shut down the plant or a meltdown will occur, resulting in widespread nuclear devastation. Either way, you will suspend the plant’s power output and disrupt human life far and wide, and perhaps attract more humans to the infected area to inspect the damage.
Other electronic utility structures are less fragile but no less vulnerable. Look for power lines, broadcast antennas, and cell phone towers, and disrupt their functionality by gnawing on any exposed wires. We know what you’re thinking: won’t this fry me? The quick answer is no. When the living are electrocuted, they experience all types of problems: nerve damage, slurred speech, memory loss, breathing irregularities, heart failure—all symptoms you already have! As long as your body hasn’t dried out enough to instantly catch fire, a strong electrical current should be harmless.
So if you come across any of these utility silhouettes shown below, feel free to wreak zombie havoc.
Obstacles You Will Face
While on the hunt, you will encounter a mess of odd gadgets specifically designed to hinder any zed. Many of the contraptions will lure you in with their lustrous shine, then enrage you with a high degree of puzzlement. Mastering these obstacles may mean the difference between warm mouthfuls of human BLT (brain, liver, tendon) and rodent leftovers from the city park. Review the following do-it-yourself diagrams.
Doorknob
Doorknobs vary in style and location, and are responsible for securing doors shut. When encountering a closed door, your first response will be to bang on it. Wooden doors can crack or splinter. Glass doors are known to shatter. But if physical abuse proves useless, try rotating the knob as indicated. (Result may vary.)
Ladder
Not all zombies are created equally; only one in eight zeds is capable of scaling a ladder or similar structure. And the number of rungs can be an issue—coordination varies from zed to zed. But if you or someone in your horde can climb a ladder, by all means do! Fire escapes or maintenance ladders fixed to buildings are common, so look for these pathways to the brains.
Stairs
By employing their arms and/or legs, most zeds are capable of climbing staircases. If this weren’t possible, newly reanimated zombies could never stand up in the first place. As you climb stairs, you may experience balance issues, resulting in nonfatal falls. Simply dust yourself off and continue the pursuit.
Your average zombie-busting human will have a difficult time destroying a wooden staircase, but he or she can certainly block one. Do your best to remove obstacles by tearing into rubble or swan diving over it.
Fence
Fences are a real kick in the rotten balls! Most are designed to restrict access. Scaling them can be tantalizing but is often beyond the average zed’s dexterity—it’s often easier to plow right through. You’ll find your greatest success with fences that are approximately your height or lower, and fences constructed out of wood. The chain-link variety, often used as a mobile barricade and topped with barbed wire, will be virtually impossible for you to pass over; just go around.
Tree
If a human climbs a tree to escape you, can you climb up after him? Unfortunately, you probably can’t. The good news is, you don’t even need to! If you’re patient, eventually you will starve the breather out of the limbs. Seriously, how many provisions can a human store in a tree? Or, with sufficient moaning, enough zeds may swarm the tree to cause a zombie pileup, forming a ramp that will get the top zombie in range of your victim.
Rope
Rope climbing is impossible for zombies, so unless you want to relive some high school gym class fantasy, don’t even try. But, again, what’s the rush? What goes up will have to come down. So unless another meal catches your rotten eye, just wait it out—your victim can’t hang on forever.
Terrain Types
While hunting, you will sometimes follow a human into an unfamiliar location. This may be an area of extreme cold, extreme warmth, or extreme moisture, any of which can have a serious impact on your bodily integrity. Before boldly going where no zed has gone before, review the dangers outlined below.
TEMPERATURE ACTIVITY CHART
Cold
Remember the Beringia land bridge (see page 6)? Trying to walk in snow is the least of your worries.
The z-virus is very good at regulating your body’s temperature, keeping it steady at around 70° F, but this ability to thermoregulate decreases as temperatures fall. At very low temperatures, the z-virus in you will increase your cellular absorption and decomposition to keep your internal temperature at acceptable levels. Over a long period of time, your muscles will become less responsive and less elastic, leading to coordination problems and slowing down your bodily functions. Your speed may slow by as much as half, and w
ith food more difficult to find and chase, you may decompose to immobility.
If you experience an extreme freeze, 15° F or below, your body will be vulnerable to frostbite (a type of decay), but your extremities should continue to function until they fall off. Don’t be alarmed unless your eyelids freeze shut. If you are that cold, eventually your body will completely stiffen up. A zombie body that has been frozen for longer than 48 hours will be use- less when thawed. Water in its cells will expand during freezing and destroy the body’s infrastructure, rendering it limp when warmed up.
Warmth
Extreme heat (110° F or above) can also affect your body. In some parts of the globe, temperatures can reach an astounding 150° F. How does this affect you? As molecules heat up in a humid environment, they increase their movement, leading to cell breakdown. Depending on the humidity, your rate of decomposition can double as the temperature rises. As a result, your body will need to double its nutritional intake of human flesh (see “Human Buffet,” page 105). But if the temperature is high and the humidity low, decomposition will be halted. That is a good thing.
Water
The lifeguard has been eaten!
As you’ve read, moisture and humidity will increase tissue breakdown. So what does swimming do? Zeds that spend too much time in water will experience rapid decomposition. Early signs of this included pruning up of the toxic skin. Stay dry! Avoid prolonged exposure to water, including rain. Also, don’t continually roam sewers or other subterranean domains, as these damp environments will also accelerate decomposition.
I See a Human—What Should I Do?
Now that you’ve learned the basics of hunting, you’re bound to come across your first human. Awesome—this is what being a zombie is all about!
So let out a moan to announce to the horde that dinner has been located. Within seconds, the mob will shift gears and zero in on your find.
5. TRANSPORTATION
In the past, stubborn Luddite zombies ignored the technological changes in the world of the living. They even underestimated the significance of the automobile, an advancement in transportation technology with which zeds must frequently contend. With roughly 700 million of these monsters on the road, humans are positively obsessed with them. And their obsession only increases during an outbreak, since these vehicles are perfect for both shielding the living from our attacks and carrying them out of the contaminated zone. So unless you are hunting the Amish, hunting strategies that were used against the chariot and the stagecoach are obsolete. It’s time to learn how to take down the auto.
The living would have us believe their automobiles are impenetrable. However, this is a total deception—they are full of vulnerabilities!
Many cars, foreign and domestic, can easily be stopped with minimal collateral damage. (See “How to Stop a Vehicle,” below.)
From what we know, they all rely on fuel, which limits their range.
They are mechanically complicated—just look at them—and often break down unexpectedly. Better still, the average human does not know how to repair them.
Most require a key to operate, and when humans panic, they are highly likely to flee to a car without bringing the key with them.
They are very noisy. Zombies can hear their engines and mufflers from miles away.
How to Stop a Vehicle
How many zombies does it take to stop a car? In truth, only one! Humans won’t stop their cars for a minor obstruction in the roadway—just ask any squirrel—and they certainly won’t stop for a crossing zombie. But if you stumble in front of a vehicle at the right moment, you can easily cause a wreck.
At what price, though? Your body could sustain cranial damage in the process, impairing your ability to feed. The whole point of stopping a car is to feast on the humans inside, so keep your eye on the prize and avoid being the appointed crash test dummy. Here are several better methods for stopping a vehicle.
The Jump
In this strategy, you penetrate the driver’s side windshield and obstruct the operator’s view of the road. Statistically speaking, it’s best accomplished around dusk for lowest human visibility. Choose a narrow street (rural or urban) to increase accuracy and the element of surprise. Patiently wait off to the side, or behind a number of obstacles abandoned on the road. Then, when you hear an approaching vehicle, stumble out directly in its path. Though most zombies are incapable of actually jumping, the impact will propel your body like a speeding missile, embedding your head and torso into the windshield. This will cause the driver to panic, causing a wreck or, at the very least, emergency braking.
This method is still extremely hazardous: three out of five zombies experience cranial trauma during the Jump. Reread the last sentence so you know what you’re getting into.
Body Bag Roadblock
During a serious zombie outbreak, human defenders will need ammunition, food, and other supplies on the front lines, so supply lines will be critical. Set up a temporary roadblock by using a large mob of the undead. This barricade will be both intimidating and fatal to anyone who dares to ram it.
With hundreds of infectious jaws and flailing appendages, your numbers will quickly overpower most automobiles, giving you access to the supply of brains inside. But the Body Bag Roadblock does come with a price: collateral damage is unavoidable. Position yourself toward the rear of the unruly mob.
Undead Traffic Stop
What is it about someone in uniform that captures everyone’s attention? If you’re lucky, your horde will include a few zombified emergency personnel, still sporting their official ensembles. We have found that human drivers will stop for assistance if they spot a uniformed official on a road standing by the appropriate vehicle—an abandoned one shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Of course, motorists will eventually realize that the officer is a zombie and quickly speed away. However, if the driver stops the vehicle first, or even just reduces speed, it provides an opportunity for an assault by the uniformed zed or a zed party waiting in the shadows.
Wounded Roadkill
Do Good Samaritans exist during a zombie outbreak? Probably not, but we will continue to test that theory.
For this tactic to work, a well-dressed, fresh zed should position its body facedown on the side of the road. All rotten flesh should be concealed, as faded green skin is an obvious sign that you are undead. Eventually, a vehicle racing out of infected territory will approach. The “victim” should move slightly to indicate that he or she is still “alive.” If the driver does step out to investigate, attack! However, it is very possible that a fleeing survivor will see through the ruse and take the opportunity to run you over, so don’t lie in the middle of the road.
Car Chase
What have we told you about chasing cars? Nothing yet—but chasing cars can actually help you secure your prey! You and your horde can distract the driver enough to cause a wreck worthy of Hollywood. Road obstacles and curvy roads increase the chances of causing a successful accident.
Depending on the speed of the vehicle, your reanimated muscles might eventually tear to the point of affecting your mobility, so don’t overexert yourself. In addition, watch out for random shots being fired from the vehicles (see “Avoiding the Bullet,” page 84).
Werezombies—undead werewolves—excel at car chasing. They have been known to exceed 55 MPH before incurring severe muscle damage.
Human Extraction
Hey, it actually worked—you stopped a vehicle! Now you need to extract your victims. Penetrating the outer defenses of a common civilian vehicle can be done quite easily. The following illustration and instructions provide a few quick tips on how to get access to a car’s soft insides.
1. Windshield Head Bang. Depending on how you stopped the vehicle, you might already be stuck through the windshield. Chomp your jaws and watch the mass exodus. Then free yourself and go after them!
2. Window Pull. Smash out a side window if possible. Grab onto your victim and yank him or her out throug
h the broken glass—the smell of blood will drive you crazy (see “Holding Techniques,” page 80).
3. Roof Punch. Is the car a soft-top convertible? Soft tops are made out of vinyl or canvas and can easily be scratched or bitten through.
4. Back Window. Frequently smashed in the wreck or shot out with bullets, the back window provides the perfect access to the backseat. Once inside, go for their necks.
5. Rip the Damn Doors Off. One of the car’s doors could be damaged from the wreck. Give it a jerk. You can usually terrify the living by ripping doors off anything.
How to Hitch a Ride
Need to go somewhere? Hunting for brains with limited success can take its toll. As breathers are disposed of, brain resources will be depleted and probably won’t be replaced. It’s time for a change of scenery. Hitching a ride on an unsuspecting vehicle might be your meal ticket to new hunting grounds.
During an outbreak, most vehicles will be racing toward refugee camps and other uncontaminated areas, all full of fresh meat. With a little luck, you might snag a one-way ticket to one of these promised lands, with fresh brains as far as the zed can see. Turn the page for a few zombie hitchhiking tips.
Roof Surfing
When it comes to roof surfing, the bigger the vehicle the better. Delivery vehicles, buses, and semi trucks all have ample room to hang out on top. You can gain access to your ride by crawling up the back or dropping on top from above, but keep quiet so as not to reveal your presence. Continue your journey until you see, smell, or hear a large population of brains. Roll off and go to work.