by John Austin
Frame Hold
As the driver stops to raid a convenience store or defecate along the roadside, crawl under the vehicle and find something to hang onto. As soon as the breather is done doing whatever breathers do, he or she will jump back in and drive away. Your body will be subjected to harsh abrasion caused by the road surface, but it’s worth it. Eventually you’ll gain access through a checkpoint. Once inside the safe zone, unleash hell.
Bumper Drag
Subtlety has never been the zombie’s strong point, so why start now? While you’re certain to be discovered by the next passing motorist, just hang onto the back bumper for as long as you can. You will experience all types of motions that may dislodge your grip, but every mile you make it is one less mile you have to walk. Word of caution: you may lose your shoes.
Cargo Bay
Trucks, trains, planes, and even ships have cargo bays. Because they are not designed to hold the living, these areas are usually only lightly supervised, perfect for settling right in for the long haul. Position your zed body around or in cargo that will help hide you from the occasional security check until you have arrived. What you do at your final destination is your own damn business, but we suggest terrorizing.
Rides to Avoid
Some vehicles are highly specialized and won’t be used by the common human. Many of these vehicles are heavily built and could be armed with weaponry in support of the human resistance.
Some of our stopping techniques have been found to work on these vehicles, but most efforts will fail. When confronting a tank, armored car, or snow plow, zombie casualties will increase. The good news is, the breathers can’t stay inside forever; eventually these vehicles will need to refuel or replenish supplies, and then we’ve got them.
Carefully review the eye chart on the next page. The vehicle pictured should be approached with extreme caution.
One-Brain Vehicles
Single-brained vehicles are quick and small, making them difficult to catch. Many of them, including ATVs, dirt bikes, and big, red three-wheelers, are designed to handle all types of terrain. While they are superior in maneuverability, they are zed-vulnerable due to their open-cockpit design. Because the riders are exposed, they can easily be snared by a quick grab or projectile vomiting to the face. Sometimes you don’t even need to touch them—use basic scare tactics to distract riders into losing their balance or control, causing them to crash.
Due to the sizes of these vehicles, hitchhiking is not possible.
6. ATTACKING
Using the hunting strategies in the previous chapters, you’ll be able to successfully track down your brainy target. What next? In order to subdue a living body for feasting, you need another plan of action.
Although only a small percentage of the living are prepared for living-on-undead combat, and most will ultimately fall before the zombie horde, that doesn’t mean a battle can’t be dangerous for you, the individual zombie. Humans possess an intense survival instinct, and when panic boosts their adrenaline, they’re capable of desperate feats of strength that can catch even the hardiest zombie off guard. Being slightly more coordinated than you, humans may wield makeshift weaponry and employ nontraditional fighting strategies—expect them to shoot at you, burn you, and impale you with pointy sticks.
Nevertheless, when most zombies attack a human, they prefer to whale away blindly, disregarding any physical damage their target inflicts on them in return. From past zombie experiences, we’ve realized this probably isn’t the best approach. Since our undead bodies don’t heal from injury, self-preservation is very important.
Yes, the undead instinct is always “Bite first, ask questions later,” but if you aren’t careful, that strategy can lead to your demise. Mastering a few simple self-defense strategies, including “weapons of the body,” will not only surprise the humans but also possibly impress your fellow zeds.
“ATTACK ANYTHING, FEAR NOTHING”
Holding Techniques
You’ve worked hard to find your prey, so you’d hate to lose it! The most basic attack strategy is holding a victim against his or her will. A properly executed hold will give you the opportunity to employ the other nasty strategies found in this chapter. Briefly study this illustration of the four most effective holds: the Hair Hold, the Bite Hold, the Arm Hold, and the Leg Hold.
Use Your Body as a Weapon
Your body is bursting with all types of bloodthirsty weaponry that can be used against the living. And remember: your flesh and blood are highly infectious. Once your victim is infected with the z-virus, he or she will begin to experience all types of nasty symptoms, weakening resistance and making it easier for you to gorge out. You can increase the likelihood of viral transference by biting, scratching, spitting, bleeding, and/or vomiting on your target.
The following diagram illustrates the deadliest weapons in your personal arsenal.
Biting
Your bite is mightier than your moan! Using your teeth, bite down on your victim’s flesh, hard enough to tear through the skin. This will cause direct fluid-to-fluid contact. If you are a severely decomposed zombie, you may have experienced tooth loss. Your rotten gums may not break the skin’s surface, making your mouth a less effective weapon.
Projectile Vomiting
Heaving toxic fluid from your stomach allows the possibility of attack at a distance. It can weaken your victim through infection, disorientation, or disgust, and can also cause temporary blindness. One out of four zombies is capable of projectile vomiting to a distance of six to seven feet.
PROJECTILE VOMITING CHART
Clawing
At the ends of your fingers are fingernails, made up of a tough protein called keratin. These popular zombie weapons, randomly sharpened by breaks and chips, can easily pierce your victim’s soft skin. When attacking for the kill, the more lacerations the more blood loss.
You should concentrate on clawing around your prey’s neck. If you cut the jugular vein, it can lead to fatal hemorrhaging. Clawing the victim’s head can also impair his or her vision, and possibly cause a concussion.
Enjoy your fingernails while you still can; eventually you will lose them due to severe decomposition.
Zed Melee Weapons
Along with their biological weapons (their bodies), certain zombies are capable of using primitive external weapons. If chimpanzees can, why can’t zeds?
Most advanced weapons require study and training to use. In other words, they’re too complicated for a zed. However, melee weapons, designed for close combat, can be effective without any technical know-how, just random arm motions.
Blunt Weapons
A blunt weapon is an edgeless, rounded, or unsharpened object used to inflict blunt force trauma. Clubs, pipes, logs, and severed body parts are all classified as blunt weapons. Tightly grab one of these items and haphazardly swing it around. Amputated appendages can be used to harm your victim psychologically as well as physically.
Edged Weapons
An edged weapon has two ends, the edge and the handle. If you carelessly handle the wrong end, you could lose a finger. Grab onto the non-shiny part before operating. These weapons usually require some training, but your abnormal shuffling and twitching will make it difficult for your victim to avoid being lacerated.
Projectile Weapons
You can quickly turn an ordinary object into a dangerous projectile by tossing it through the air, a technique best used during a siege. Glass fortifications can sometimes be demolished by chucking living and nonliving objects into them.
But now the bad news: 7 out of 10 zombies are incapable of throwing an object, and of the 3 who can, only 1 can hit its intended target.
Defensive Strategies
Past attempts at initiating a zombie apocalypse have always failed miserably. We know now that one of our biggest blunders has been our lack of defensive strategies. A zombie never retreats, only attacks—but better to attack in a way that limits the possibility of cranial injury and re-death.
By studying thousands of failed engagements between humans and long-gone zeds, we have identified some of the most common attacks scenarios implemented by the living, and learned how to most effectively counter them.
Most humans are predictable—they usually go for your head. They have crafted all types of weapons to do this, but most often they rely on firearms. In certain situations, they may resort to fire or melee weapons instead, and either of these weapons can also cause cranial damage.
Review the following defensive strategies for the most common human attacks, and with a little luck you will avoid the embarrassing fate of our zombie forebears. Need more motivation? It’s quite possible these trigger-happy humans used to be your buddies! Such behavior from an ex is understandable, but family and friends—what gives?
Avoiding the Bullet
Head shots are a bitch! A bullet targeted to the brain will cause almost certain death. Slow as you are, it is highly unlikely you can avoid a bullet traveling as fast as four thousand feet per second. Your best protection is avoiding gunfire altogether.
Of course, that isn’t always possible. If they can, the living will certainly stockpile sufficient firepower to protect themselves and possibly hunt you down. Fortunately, as mentioned earlier (see “Terrible with Weapons,” page 35), most humans are not trained marksmen and will unload rounds wildly, desperately trying to land a lucky shot between your eyes. These cowboy antics are as likely to hit other humans as they are you. Unfortunately, other breathers are trained snipers, waiting for a trophy zombie to kill. Until you have a chance to observe the shooter’s technique, it will be very difficult to know the skill level of the target you are about to engage.
When being fired upon, you must avoid shots in both the Kill Box and the Deadly Triangle areas. A shot to the Kill Box is 99.9 percent fatal. Trained marksmen also aim at the Deadly Triangle, which if hit will result in an undead fatality. Head areas outside these kill zones are capable of absorbing minor blows without lasting effect, though if strong enough the hits could cause unconsciousness for 1 to 10 minutes. Severe damage to the upper spinal cord, the brain stem area, could also result in termination.
In short, guns are bad news. If you see a human holding one of the firearms depicted here, implement one of the following bullet-avoidance attack strategies. Remember, even after being bitten, your victim still is capable of firing a weapon, so once you’ve employed a maneuver it is important to disarm (or remove the arm of) the shooter to avoid a scuffle shot.
KILL BOX
DEADLY TRIANGLE
Diamond Attack
The Diamond Attack, also called the Zombie Wedge, is used to move directly and quickly toward an armed human. If a Diamond Attack maneuver succeeds, the human target will only have time to take down the lead zombies posing the most imminent danger before the distance between the two forces closes and the remaining zombie in the rear can quickly overtake its target.
For obvious reasons, the ideal role in this maneuver is to be the zombie in the back. Once you reach your victim, engage in biting combat. Results may vary with the number of human targets, ammunition supply, and firing accuracy.
Flanking Zeds
A swarm attack, better known as Flanking Zeds, is a tactical maneuver used by a horde during a frontal attack. In it, zeds attack their target from several directions. Swarming from different positions, they force their enemy to defend two or three sides at once, overwhelming him or her.
Employing Flanking Zeds also reduces the maneuverability of the living and reduces the chance that a similar flanking tactic could be used against the horde. With both a physical and psychological advantage, victory is possible.
The Zombie Shield
With the Zombie Shield, you protect your own body by using another corpse to absorb bullets fired at you. Snatch up a lifeless “volunteer” and position him or her directly between you and the living human’s weapon. Hold tightly to your protective armor until you’ve closed the distance between you and the shooter. Once you’re within striking distance, throw the body at your prey while you lunge mouth-first at him or her.
Zedcoy
The Zedcoy maneuver is designed to distract the living while a hidden zombie party executes a surprise attack. The decoy zombie captures the attention of your target by screaming, vomiting, charging, or throwing something. While the zedcoy begins absorbing shots, a second group attacks from behind.
This strategy may sound simple, but with all our random moaning and clumsiness, it’s unlikely that the second group will be able to approach the victim in complete silence. The louder and more threatening the zedcoy, the better. A fast zedcoy also increases the chances of success, as it reduces the shooter’s opportunity for successful head shots.
Encircle
Attacking from every direction simultaneously will overwhelm your victim with potential targets while reducing his or her maneuverability. Tactically, it sounds ideal, but with the human firing at random zeds, it could quickly turn into an unfriendly game of Russian Roulette. Ensure that the shooter is a poor shot before proceeding.
This tactic has also been given the name Snack Attack, because with so many zombies, each attacker’s portion of human flesh will be small (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). Everyone will have their dirty little fingers in your dirty little human pie.
Aerial Fall
Zombies away! An Aerial Fall will be completely unexpected by any mortal playing cowboy in the streets beneath a high-rise. In order to gain the tactical advantage of height, you will first have to master the obstacle of stairs (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59). Climb up a story or two (any higher and you risk a fatal fall), and wait until your victim is directly below you. Then quietly plummet to the ground and squash your prey.
The impact should severely injure your target, or at least disorient him. After that, inject your teeth into your landing cushion.
The Flame
When humans play with fire, be prepared to be burned!
Fire has always captured the attention of zeds on the prowl. We are mentally incapable of starting a fire of any kind (on purpose), so fire is usually associated with the presence of the living, who use it for cooking, heating, and illumination. Once humans get a fire burning, flickering flames or plumes of smoke can easily be spotted at great distances. Even if our vision is hampered by blocked sightlines or facial damage, our zombie noses can still smell the smoke. Once alerted, we can rarely resist advancing in the direction of the fire.
Our infatuation can be problematic, though, as humans have been known to use fire as a weapon. True, flames can’t cause us pain, but does this mean that they have no effect on us? Sorry to say, but recorded attacks have proven they do; your brain can very easily be cooked. A dried-up, severely decomposed zed can be incinerated in just a few minutes, while a fresh zombie can last nearly half an hour before being reduced to ashes. But even if you outlast the flames, body parts that have been damaged stay damaged. What’s more, smoke is rarely a successful medium for spreading the z-virus.
INCINERATION CHART
Most humans will conserve flammable fuels during an outbreak, but they might spare some to incinerate a zombie when necessary. Commit the arson tools shown below to memory. If you observe one of them in the hands of a human, put into action one of the following fire strategies. Some of these strategies can also be used against corrosive acids.
Drench March
Most zombies are completely incapable of recognizing the smell of gasoline or other volatile fuels (diesel oil, kerosene, etc.), and the resistance knows it, those pyrohuman bastards! They have adopted two successful tactics to exploit this weakness. The first and more common is to pour a pool of flammable liquid on the ground, lure us into it, and set it ablaze from a distance. The second, generally used as a last-ditch option, is simply to throw the liquid at us and ignite us. If either of these things happens, you should keep moving toward your target. That’s why this tactic is known as the Drench March.
> Yes, your clothing will quickly catch fire and melt to your skin. But keep in mind that the only thing more lethal than you is you on fire! If you’re blazing, don’t hesitate—attack! You could very well spread the fire, hampering the defenses of the living. One of the best-recorded zombie fire attacks caused the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. Eventually the inferno destroyed four square miles of breather territory. Humans blamed the blaze on Mrs. O’Leary’s cow—how utterly ridiculous.
Fire Composure
Some fire will knock you on your ass! Military flamethrowers are capable of propelling a burst of flammable liquid over one hundred feet. These backpack models are currently out of service, though many are in the hands of private collectors.
If you do encounter a flamethrower, the flames will likely burn your eyes, detrimentally affecting your vision. And even if the flamethrower misses you, the burst of illumination can still cause temporary blindness. It’s important to maintain your “fire composure.” Once ignited, keep your balance and continue in the direction you last saw your target.