So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

by John Austin

  Molotov Bypass

  During a battle, you’ll experience all types of homemade fire grenades. The most common is the Molotov cocktail. Made out of a glass bottle filled with flammable fuels and a cloth wick, it explodes into flames on impact.

  The Molotov Bypass is the study of a burning missile’s trajectory. While the device is in the air, you estimate its point of impact and shuffle away from the surrounding area.

  In truth, this is not a good strategy. You really shouldn’t alter your course of attack. Any human who is capable of hitting you with a bottle is already in eatable distance. Flaming or not, shamble on. Make your junior anarchist reconsider his or her profession.

  Hand-to-Mouth Combat

  Advanced though they are, firearms and flame weapons still have their problems. Supplies of ammunition and fuel will run out during an extended zombie uprising, forcing the living to resort to the melee weapons of the past.

  Ancient breathers developed the spear around 400,000 years ago. It was very popular and effective against animal targets, but it proved useless against the ancient zombie. So humans developed more sophisticated weapons designed to decapitate the undead, such as the ax and the sword. Eventually, however, they realized that attacking at a distance was the best way to avoid accidental infection. So around 1300 A.D., the brains-at-arms developed the firearm. This new weapon made the battle-ax and sword obsolete. The ax evolved into a tool. The sword’s fate was much grimmer; today it is sold as decorative art on TV shopping networks.

  If a desperate human pulls one of these melee weapons out of retirement, you have little to worry about. Most of them are relatively harmless to you, with a low chance of inflicting cranial injury. They are all designed for close combat, which means you’ll be within arm’s reach of your meal before you’re in any danger. Once in close proximity, resort to biting, scratching, and spitting to slow and subdue your target. In the end, all such confrontations will eventually lead to hand-to-mouth combat.

  Review the melee weapons in the chart on the next page. If your target is holding onto one of these objects, use the following attack strategies to prevail in the final struggle.

  Erratic Attack

  In the Erratic Attack, also known as the Zombie Gait, you move with inconsistent motion toward your attacker, keeping your head slightly tilted. With a lowered head and unpredictable motion, you will decrease your adversary’s targeting accuracy. Flailing your arms can also improve this defensive strategy.

  If the target still manages to land a blow to your head but it’s not strong enough to crush your skull or decapitate you, proceed. Always proceed!

  Chopping Block

  It is not impossible to defend against a sword. When you approach within a corpse’s length of your prey, fall headfirst into your target’s knees or thighs. This will greatly disrupt his or her sword-swinging form, making a clean decapitation difficult. Before the human can readjust or execute a second swing, clench and maul his or her leg.

  If you forget to execute the Chopping Block maneuver, all is not lost. Most swords are incapable of cutting bones. Even if your flesh is cut, you can survive partial decapitation if the brain stem remains intact.

  Forearm Shield

  If you position your arms in front of your face, you will shield your unprotected neck from sharp-edged weapons. The Forearm Shield can result in lost appendages, but it’s a small price to pay to avoid decapitation. Take the hit and proceed.

  Expect additional damage to your center of mass or lower extremities, both of which might slow you down. Edged weapons that impale your flesh are likely to stay lodged in your body for extended periods of time. Significant protruding handles and arrows can snag on objects and increase body damage. Shamble with care.

  Ghoul Reach

  Borrowed from our supernatural siblings the mummies, the Ghoul Reach has been used successfully for thousands of years. By extending your arms in front of your body, you decrease your opponent’s access to your neck or head.

  Once your arms are extended, use your hands to claw, scratch, or latch onto your victim. For unknown reasons, the Ghoul Reach tends to increase moaning.

  Combat Quiz

  1. Someone just stabbed a knife in my back. I should…

  a. Seek medical attention immediately!

  b. Get over it, and continue with what I am doing.

  c. Fall down to ease the pain.

  d. Have a fellow Zed remove it.

  2. Someone just set me on fire. What should I do?

  a. Retreat back into the zombie mob.

  b. Search for water.

  c. Continue attacking.

  d. Extinguish it with flammable fuel.

  3. I’m being shot at, but they can’t hit squat. I should…

  a. Use the Zombie Shield technique.

  b. Implement the Ghoul Reach.

  c. Retreat.

  d. Defecate in my pants.

  4. He’s holding a katana sword!

  a. Do not engage and look for an exit strategy!

  b. Play dead.

  c. Execute the Chopping Block on that mofo.

  d. Look for your own sword or appendage to duel.

  5. Melee weapon include…

  a. Pickaxes.

  b. Metal pipes.

  c. Machetes.

  d. All the above.

  6. I’ve encountered many humans with multiple weapons. I should…

  a. Seek reinforcements.

  b. Surrender by waving a white cloth.

  c. Not be intimidated, and attack.

  d. Run and hide.

  7. HUMAN BUFFET

  You’ve hunted and subdued a human target, and now comes the main event—it’s feeding time!

  As mentioned earlier, your hunger for living flesh is more than an unquenchable craving. It’s a biological necessity. Contrary to popular human belief, the undead body still relies on the food in its digestive tract to function. But instead of using specialized organs to extract energy and nutrients, the tract now acts as a holding cavity. As flesh passes through the tract, the z-virus absorbs the acids of some of the 10 trillion cells found in the living body. This creates the energy the virus needs to stave off decomposition (see “Post-life Expectancy,” page 28).

  Because a zed that stops feeding will slowly starve to complete decomposition, and because living food is often difficult to obtain, the z-virus must encourage its host to hunt relentlessly to ensure its own survival. During the reanimation process, your brain underwent mutation. The virus modified the region of the brain that regulates feeding so that it constantly stimulates the body’s hunger signals. The result is that you’re always hungry for … well, you know the rest.

  The Preferable Flesh

  Zeds are capable of consuming a wide variety of live flesh, no matter what the size, species, or hairball risk. But although you can make do eating other animals during down time, for maximum nutritional value we encourage you to feed on the number one zombie delicacy: fresh human brain tissue, pinkish on the outside and white on the inside.

  So, what’s so special about the human brain? It’s filled with billions of highly specialized sensory cells brimming with electrochemical pulses. When consumed, these particular cells create an intense concentration of biological energy, significantly reducing your monthly flesh requirements. A few bites of brain and you’ll suddenly feel what is called a medulla rush, an adrenaline burst that increases your mobility.

  How to Use the Pyramid The recommended number of servings for each food group for a functional adult zombie per month (30 nights).

  This zombie food pyramid suggests the number of servings of brain and other human meat you should consume per month for optimal nutrition. The chart is based on the average-sized human; if dining on children, adjust quantities accordingly.

  Your life expectancy will greatly increase as your energy intake from human flesh increases. However, gorging can lead to a ruptured stomach, so it is important that you eat responsibly. In addition,
rotten meat and aged blood can prove fatal. Bodies that have been dead longer than 12 hours should generally not be consumed. Higher and lower temperatures may decrease or increase this timeframe; use your zombie senses to make a final determination of freshness (see “Rotten Is a No-No,” page 112).

  Brain Group

  You haven’t really “died” until you’ve tried human brain! Even though it only accounts for 2 percent of your victim’s body weight, it represents the most important group on the Zombie Food Pyramid. Recommended monthly consumption of gray matter is approximately 3 pounds, or half a brain per sitting. Note that the upper spine is also considered part of the Brain Group.

  The brain of your victim will be protected by the skull. However, once you remove his or her lower jaw, it can easily be accessed. As stated earlier, eating a brain will give you a medulla rush, increasing your mobility with a burst of adrenaline. For up to 24 hours after consuming brain, zombies are capable of running and jumping, which will improve their hunting and attacking skills.

  Internal Organ Group

  The heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, intestines, and other organs in the chest and abdomen are all suitable for eating. However, unlike organs in the Brain Group, your monthly intake should be 8-10 pounds, or roughly 144 ounces. That’s a couple lungs, a few hearts, and a liver or two. So depending on the number of zombies in your horde, you will need multiple bodies to fulfill your internal organ requirement. Alternatively, feedings from this group can be replaced with additional servings from the Brain or Blood Groups.

  Most of the gooey goodies in the Internal Organ Group are protected by your victim’s rib cage. Though it is not difficult to break the rib cage, you can just as easily reach under the ribs and extract the organs by hand.

  Blood Group

  It is essential to keep your body hydrated in order to absorb much-needed energy from uninfected flesh. Human blood is an excellent source of hydration.

  Unlike vampires, who are obsessed with sucking, you can consume blood simply by eating flesh—the living human body uses blood to transport nutrients and oxygen to every cell in the body. Full-sized adults contain an average of 5.3 quarts of blood, making up roughly 7 percent of their body weight. This represents about two-thirds of your recommended monthly allowance. However, it’s virtually impossible to extract that amount of blood from a single human in one sitting.

  Don’t be concerned about mixing blood types (A, B, AB, O). Consumption of incompatible blood types will not cause complications, though it has been observed that type O blood can give you the shakes.

  Bone Marrow Group

  The Bone Marrow Group, also known as the Table Scrap Group, is typically what is left after a hungry horde fully consumes a body. The human body should have 206 bones, each one filled with red and yellow marrow. This marrow is made up of juicy blood cells. For minimal nutrition, we suggest 10-20 servings, though optimal nutrition is much higher—30-40 servings.

  Servings from the Bone Marrow Group can be replaced by additional servings from the Brain or Blood Group, if available—that’s what you really crave, after all. But leftover marrow will keep you on your feet until you have an opportunity to hunt down something more satisfying.

  Bone marrow can be difficult to extract, but try to avoid stuffing full bones into your body. Bones such as the femur (the thigh bone) are large and can cause complications in your absorption tract. Finger and toes, on the other hand, can be consumed whole.

  Feeding Etiquette

  Proper zombie feeding etiquette can mean the difference between feasting on a fresh kill and foraging for rodents.

  Don’t Start Eating Until Your Victim Is Ready

  Wounded humans will continually attempt to escape your clutches by fleeing or fighting. Even if they are experiencing early symptoms of z-virus infection, until paralysis sets in they are capable of inflicting damage.

  So the first thing you must do before eating your victim is to continue inflicting trauma until your meal is unresponsive. The quickest method is blunt force to the head. Your victims’ head. Not yours.

  Never Play with Your Food

  If your victim is unconscious, he or she may be experiencing the advanced stages of zombification. Procrastinating could result in your victim completing reanimation and shambling away. Once it becomes fast-on-its-feet food, you’ve forfeited your meal.

  Even if reanimation is not forthcoming, an uneaten human can quickly attract other hungry zeds. As the Zombie Code states, everyone is entitled to a meal (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). The longer you wait, the less flesh for you. If the feeding frenzy becomes overwhelming, we suggest you remove one of the victim’s limbs and creep away.

  Rotten Is a No-No

  In the panic of a zombie outbreak, humans often die from accidents, infighting, or other non-zombie-induced scenarios. As a result, you’re likely to encounter unclaimed food in your wanderings. If you do stumble upon a meal just lying around, it may have passed its expiration date. Any lifeless carcass, simmering and swelling in the sun for longer than 12 to 16 hours, has sustained severe cellular damage and has no nutritional value. If the body is bloated, gray in color, stinky, or has a toe tag, it’s a good indicator that it’s been around a while.

  During your rampaging haste, you may miss these warning signs. Fortunately, your body will automatically reject rotten meat. During zombification, the z-virus modified your tongue’s taste receptors to detect and reject unproductive flesh. Try sinking your teeth into a bloated stomach—your body will instantly cease craving that particular torso.

  If you ignore this warning and continue to chomp down on rotten flesh, you may suffer from absorption blockage. Symptoms may include upset stomach, abnormal vision, and increased projectile vomiting.

  Use Your Mouth

  Food should always enter your body through your mouth. This is the quickest path to your digestive tract. Some zeds may attempt to stuff human flesh directly into their open body cavities. This is not recommended. Although absorption is still possible, without a path out of the body this flesh becomes dead weight, decreasing your maneuverability.

  Of course, even if you are missing a mouth or a stomach, you will still crave food. In this situation, first attempt to insert the flesh down your throat, but if this is impossible, go ahead and jam it into your body.

  Absorption

  While most species become sleepy while digestion takes place, the undead become more active during the absorption period, especially after they consume a human brain. This period of increased intensity can last up to 48 hours, while medulla rush capabilities (jumping and running) will last up to 24 hours. Both the surrounding temperature and tissue freshness can influence these times. The ideal temperature for absorption is around 78° F. If you are in a hot climate, we suggest that you wait for the temperature to drop at night before consuming anything.

  The z-virus will absorb everything except for hair, teeth, claws (finger- and toenails), and major bones. However, it will extract as much marrow as it can before excreting any waste. Depending on virus strain, complete absorption can take up to 48 hours.

  After absorption is complete, your body will discard any waste within 24 hours, ideally through a relaxed sphincter. However, due to overeating or damage to your digestive tract, waste material can sometimes leave the body through gastric blowout. Abdominal ruptures eventually affect two out of three zombies, and 95 percent of boomer types (see “What’s Your Body Type?” page 26). While embarrassing and disgusting, it really has no impact on your day-to-day functions. And yes, spilled waste is infectious for up to two days, depending on climate conditions.

  Another complication to look out for is a body clog. When this happens, waste will continually build up in your body. Eventually, you’ll be burdened with hundreds of pounds of unprocessed flesh, affecting your mobility and eventually ending your post-life.

  Ordering Off the Menu

  No question, human flesh is essential for a balanced diet, but what happe
ns if the living aren’t available? To avoid malnutrition during famine or post-apocalyptic conditions, turn to the hearty choices the animal kingdom has to offer. Many animals have internal organs similar to humans’. They are often slower and dumber than breathers but will yield more flesh and blood. Most of the multicellular species listed on the Hierarchy Hunting Chart below can provide basic sustenance, though rarely the complete nourishment human flesh provides. The farther up the chart you go, the better off you’ll be.

  Larger animals such as livestock and house pets are fabulous human substitutes. Many of these creatures will be abandoned by their owners and weakened by starvation. Our experience shows that while canines can cause some bodily damage, their bites are rarely fatal (unlike ours).

  Finally, there are rodents, birds, and small reptiles. These little critters make up a vast majority of animals found in most regions. High in numbers, they are still troublesome to catch, making them extremely annoying.

  In certain areas, you may be tempted to hunt large primates like gorillas or chimpanzees. Yes, the DNA in these animals is almost 98 percent identical to a human’s, and they could easily supplement your dietary needs. Yet despite their nutritional advantages, hunting great apes is not recommended. A gorilla can lift 10 times its own body weight, strength enough to rip a frail zed body to shreds. Plus, primates are capable of contracting the z-virus (see “Infecting Animals,” page 132), and who wants the competition?