Fragile Bonds

by Sloan Johnson

  Melanie shrugs as she makes herself a sandwich. “There’s not much to tell. After you left, I put every ounce of attention into my coursework so I could graduate as quickly as possible. I started working for CompCare right after graduation and did that until I felt like I couldn’t stay there any longer.”

  “Why did you quit?” I ask. It’s a question I’ve almost brought up several times, but didn’t want to pry. I’ve spent a lot of time doing that when it comes to Melanie, knowing that every fact I learn about Melanie is going to make me love her that much more. “You were always talking about how you couldn’t wait to be a nurse, to actually get out there and help people rather than learn about how to treat patients.”

  “It was time for a change,” she sighs, sadness veiling her delicate features. “When you watch one patient after another pass away, have to meet new families knowing that you’re going to eventually be the one telling them their loved one’s fight is over, it gets hard. With every case, it took more of a toll on me, and it got to a point where I felt like I was losing a piece of myself every time someone took their last breath.”

  Tears well in the corners of her eyes and I know we’re both thinking about the night Alyssa passed away. Even though I was devastated by my own loss, I still remember watching as Melanie tried to stay professional throughout everything. She held me that night, whispering assurances in my ear that it was for the best that Alyssa wasn’t in pain anymore. I know she didn’t do that for everyone, but I also know she’s too caring to not let every loss affect her.

  “Thank you for being there,” I say, my voice rough with emotion. “As hard as it was, I’m glad it was you.” God, that sounds pathetic. “I mean, I’m grateful that it was you because no one else would have cared so much about taking care of Jacob and me. You didn’t have to do that.”

  Melanie slides around so she sitting behind me, her chest pressed to my back. As she wraps her legs around my waist, she starts gently kissing along my spine. “I’m glad too,” she admits quietly. “I hate that you had to live through that and I’ll admit I wanted to quit so many times, but I couldn’t. I knew you and Jacob needed me there just as much as she did.”

  I lean my head back, turning to her for a kiss. It’s a slightly awkward position, but I need to feel her lips against mine. Even if she won’t tell me how she feels about me, every touch gives me reassurance to tide me over. “I love you, Mel.”

  As we eat, Melanie and I take turns sharing favorite memories from our weekend trips to the lake. I watch her face light up as she talks about canoeing for hours, trying to find hidden alcoves in the bluffs along the banks and make a mental note to plan a full weekend for us to come up here before summer is finished. I admit to her that I’ve often thought about the nights we spent around the campfire, watching the flames fade to embers before curling up against one another in our small tent. When I remind her about the plans we once had to learn to rock climb so we could tackle some of the more challenging areas of the park, she becomes giddy, asking if we can still do that. Immediately, I tell her I will call the local indoor climbing facility so we don’t waste any time, but my excitement is quickly replaced by reluctance. More than anything, I want to make her happy, but the fact is I now have to worry about making the best decisions for Jacob. I can’t blindly follow her adventurous whims anymore, knowing that I have a son who relies on me at home.

  After we’re finished eating and the conversation begins to fade, I reach my hand out to her, pulling her off the flat rock. Hand-in-hand, we walk down the trail in silence. Now that I’ve started asking her the questions I avoided for so long, there’s one more I need to get out of my system. It’s the question that has plagued me since November.

  “Why did you take the assignment?” I ask, turning my head away from her momentarily, second-guessing my decision. I just told her today was about us, not Alyssa, and yet here I am, bringing it up again. “I mean, you said you thought about trying to get out of it and you wanted to quit more than once, so why didn’t you?”

  Melanie leans into me and I slide my arm around her waist. When she doesn’t answer immediately, I don’t press the issue. Just like so many other topics, there will be time later if not now. She stops abruptly, causing me to stumble on a rock in the path. I look over at her and can see her thinking about her answer. “I’ve asked myself that question probably a hundred times. The thing is, I have no clue.” We keep walking and I wait to see if she’s going to say anything else.

  “I told myself it’s because I was that dedicated to my job and my patients, but I don’t think that’s why. I wanted to throw up when I saw the last name and address. I knew there was no way it was a coincidence that the patient’s last name was Ross and it was your address. I spent hours trying to come up with an easy way out of it.” She looks away from me, seeming almost ashamed at her admission. “Every time I started walking to my supervisor’s office to tell him I couldn’t do it, I lost my nerve before getting to his door. I didn’t want him thinking I was unable to separate my personal issues from my job and I couldn’t think of a valid reason other than you for why I couldn’t help Alyssa.”

  “I would think he would have understood if you told him. Surely, he would have understood that it was a conflict of interest for you to care for your ex’s wife.” I’m not sure why I’m filled with this obsessive need to hear her what motivated her to follow through with the assignment. After all, does it matter why she did it? I’m not conceited enough to think that this outcome ever crossed her mind.

  Melanie doesn’t say another word until we’re almost back to the parking lot. She leans against the top of the door once I open it for her, resting her chin on her arms. “I think I was hoping that seeing you again would give me closure to move on with my life,” she admits, shaking her head slightly. “I had pushed you into the back of my mind for years, lying to myself, thinking I was already over you. The truth is, what you did to me really messed with my head. It made me think that love is something that doesn’t happen in real life, because if what we had was love, you wouldn’t have left. And I needed to see you to prove to myself that life does go on.”

  The problem with asking a tough question is there’s a good chance you’re not going to like the answer. And hearing Melanie speak so candidly about how hurt she was, even if I knew I had damaged her, makes me furious with myself. The words needed to be said, but I’m struggling to digest them. I close my eyes tightly, trying to hold back the anger roiling to the surface. I won’t show that to her because I can’t take the chance she’ll think I’m upset with her.

  “Melanie, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I ever made you doubt what I felt for you.” I reach for her hand, pulling her out from behind the safety of the door. She sinks into my chest and I rest my chin on her head. “I was a miserable, selfish prick back then. You were an unexpected detour in my life and I was fighting to retain the control I always swore I wouldn’t lose. It turns out, I was fighting for the wrong thing.”

  “Can we not talk about this anymore?” she pleads, letting out a deep sigh. “Maybe someday, but not today.”

  I kiss her hair, lingering a moment to silently thank her for giving me a chance to right the wrongs of my past. She slides into her seat and I close the door before rounding the back of the car.

  Chapter 18

  This has been, without a doubt, the best day I’ve had this year. I know that might sound bad, but Melanie made it possible for me to have one day where I wasn’t worrying about whether or not I’m going to be a good enough father to my son, what more I could have done to help Alyssa, or any of the other bullshit that runs on a continuous loop in my mind. Although I was tempted to call Braydon and ask him to take Jacob overnight so Melanie and I could continue talking, I refuse to go back on my word to my son, so now we’re headed out for a night of chicken wings and baseball.

  “You do still like the Brewers, right?” I ask as we pull into the parking lot. I have to remind myself, and
more than likely my brother, that Melanie’s interests may have changed over the years. A smile crosses her face and I know we’re all good on this particular outing.

  “I do, but don’t you need to get home to Jacob? I’m not sure Braydon is brave enough to handle bath time,” she laughs, tipping her head to lazily look at me. She looks as if she could easily fall asleep and I’m there with her. Last night was rough and we spent most of the day exploring different trails, taking breaks to play twenty questions with one another.

  More than once, we were subjected to remarks from passing hikers about how we should get a room. Every time, Melanie and I would burst out laughing at the thought of being caught like a couple of high school kids making out in the woods. I can’t help it, when it comes to Melanie, I’m not sure I will ever be able to catch up on all of the kisses I’ve missed giving her.

  “Actually, coming here was his idea, but I’m pretty sure he had some help from his uncle.” I laugh as her eyebrows seem to disappear into her hairline. I haven’t told her that Braydon has moved from telling me to be careful about getting closer to Melanie into matchmaker mode.

  “Braydon?” she asks, which is somewhat funny seeing as I only have one brother. “What happened to him telling me to stay away from you because of how much I hurt you when we split up before?”

  I’m not sure I will ever be able to fully make Braydon see that I was much more to blame for that situation than Melanie, and part of me wants to hit him for getting in Melanie’s face about it. I get that he’s my big brother and wanted to protect me, but as with so many other things, it wasn’t his place.

  “I told you before that I set him straight on that,” I groan. Part of me wonders when we’ll be able to transition from this place where we’re trying to glue the pieces of our former life back together into the solid, healthy relationship we both deserve. “Plus, apparently Alyssa talked to him too, told him to make sure that we didn’t fuck things up again. And knowing her, those were probably her exact words to him.”

  Melanie shakes her head in disbelief. “You know, part of me wishes I had known her before she was sick, but I don’t think we would have been friends if circumstances were different. She seems like a pretty cool woman.”

  “She was,” I admit. “I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see that.” We’re still sitting in the car, but suddenly I’m not in a rush to go inside. I’m not ready to go back to having to share Melanie with anyone else, even if it is just Jacob and Braydon. “Anyway, I promise, we’ll talk about that some other time. For now, we’d better get inside before Jacob drives Braydon insane.”

  Hand in hand, we cross the parking lot. I follow Melanie inside after holding the door open for her, my hand casually resting on the small of her back. As we look for Braydon, my thumb traces small circles along her spine, causing her to visibly shiver. She looks back at me and I can’t help but lean down to kiss her. Melanie’s kiss is like heroin to me and I’m not sure I will ever get to the point where I want to quit.

  “Don’t you two look all cozy,” Braydon laughs as we enter the bar area. I would be upset that he has my four year old son in here, but at least he had sense enough to sit at one of the high top tables rather than at the bar.

  I look over at Melanie and see her looking up at me with a shy grin on her face. There’s nothing I can say anything that won’t fuel Braydon’s ribbing. “What can I say? We had a good talk today. Thanks.”

  Braydon stands, pulling my arm so we can talk in private. I ask Melanie to stay with Jacob, wondering why Braydon suddenly looks tense. If he decides to give me shit for being with Mel, I swear I will lay him out on the floor in a heartbeat.

  “I’m not sure if you’re going to want to hang out here tonight,” he tells me once we’re in the hallway leading toward the restrooms.

  “Good time to bring that up, don’t you think?” I ask sarcastically, reminding myself that Melanie and Jacob are sitting out there waiting for us. Honestly, as long as I keep that in mind, I don’t think anything can bring me down.

  “True, but if you knew what I saw a few minutes ago, you’d understand.” He looks nervous, like he’s expecting me to go ballistic at any moment. Not going to happen because I’m committed to making today a great day. Yeah, I know that might make me sound like some sort of hippie freak, but I’m going to ride this high for all it’s worth. “Stacey walked in with a bunch of her friends. They’re in the dining room, which is why I took Jacob into the bar.”

  Now it makes sense. He wasn’t sitting in there because he didn’t think about the fact that it’s not the best place for a kid, it’s because he wants to make sure I don’t do anything stupid. Or, more likely, that Stacey doesn’t see us and run her mouth. I won’t go so far as to cause a scene, but if she starts something, you can be sure I’m going to finish it.

  “This is what Jacob wanted for dinner, that’s what he’s going to get,” I tell my brother. “But you have to promise me that if that psycho beast comes over to us, you’ll get Jacob out of there before things turn ugly.”

  “You got it,” Braydon says, giving me a firm pat on the back. I look to the dining room as we make our way back to Jacob and Melanie, but I don’t see Stacey anywhere. When I turn into the bar, I see her leaving the bar. I offer up a silent prayer that she won’t see Melanie, or that she’s civil enough to ignore her if she does, but those prayers go unanswered. There’s no time for me to get to the table before Stacey sits down, making herself comfortable next to my son.

  “I think you’re in my seat,” I say firmly, moving close to Melanie as Braydon grabs Jacob, bribing him with five dollars in the arcade.

  She does this little head wobble thing that makes me want to slap her. Not that I make a habit of hitting women, but if there was just one I could and not feel bad about it, Stacey would be that person. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were here.”

  I’m not sure what comes over me, but when she stands to leave, I place my hand on her shoulder, pushing her back down on the stool. It’s probably for the best that we’re all together in a crowded restaurant because it’s the only way I’m going to be able to keep my temper in check.

  “Yes, Stacey. I’m here.” I take one step to the right so my body presses against Melanie’s side, making it very clear exactly how here I am. All of the work Stacey put into keeping us apart might have worked for a while, but now that Mel and I are back together, I have no intention of letting go. “I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that Melanie and I have worked out our differences and are very happy together now.”

  Melanie chokes as the words come out of my mouth. I tap her back a few times to make sure she’s okay. I’m half expecting her to be upset with me, but it appears she’s trying to keep from laughing.

  “Didn’t your wife just die?” Stacey asks condescendingly. I take a few breaths, but she cuts me off as I go to respond. “I mean, seriously Mel, what type of man starts fucking his ex right after burying the mother of his child?”

  And she has officially crossed the line. I ease myself around the table so she can’t make some claim that I am threatening her. I glance over my shoulder to make sure Jacob isn’t witnessing what’s about to happen. The things I am going to say to Stacey shouldn’t be overheard by a child.

  “You are a conniving bitch,” I sneer leaning in so close I doubt Melanie can hear what I’m saying. “You might have won six years ago, but this time, there isn’t a single fucking word that can come out of your disgusting mouth that will make Melanie believe your lies. You swore up and down that she wanted nothing to do with me, the whole time telling her that she was better off without me and that I would try to call if I had ever cared about her.”

  As I continue repeating every lie she told Melanie, Stacey’s body stiffens and her eyes grow wide. I keep waiting for her to deny being a meddlesome bitch, but apparently she knows better.

  “The thing is, I loved Melanie more than I had ever loved anyone. I told you, repeatedly, that
I had fucked up and I realized it. I begged you to talk to her and tell her that I was sorry, that I would do anything to fix it. And every time, you told me that she wanted nothing to do with me, that she is the one who said I had cut her too deeply to get past.” My entire body is shaking with the rage I’m trying to contain. Melanie’s hand rests on my bicep, trying to pull me back. The only thing keeping me from jerking away from her is the fact that I don’t want Melanie knowing how affected I am right now.

  “Xavier, you two were all wrong for one another,” Stacey rebukes. She pushes her stool back, trying to put space between us, but I take a step forward, not giving her an inch. “You were a controlling asshole. Seriously, what kind of man walks into a party and literally pulls the woman he’s supposed to love out as if she’s a disobedient child?”

  “What kind of ‘friend’ takes a woman who is in a committed relationship to a party where the primary goal is public sex? Unlike you, Melanie is not, and never was, a whore. She had no place being at something like that.” Everything I didn’t say before rises to the surface. I notice the patrons at the table next to us trying to hide the fact that our conversation is much more interesting than the game, but I’m too far gone to care. After tonight, I have no desire to ever share the same air as Stacey, so this is my only chance to tell her what’s going through my head. “And don’t give me that shit about how you had her back and nothing would have happened to her. If I remember correctly, by the time I got there, you were on your back with your skirt hiked up around your waist like the cum dumpster you are.”

  “Xavier,” Melanie hisses, pulling harder on my arm this time. I retreat, only because putting Stacey in her place isn’t worth it if it causes problems between Melanie and me. Stacey gets this smug look on her face, which is almost immediately wiped away by Melanie. “Stacey, Xavier is right. I should have seen it then, but I was naïve and didn’t expect the woman who claimed to be my best friend to lie to me. I might not have liked some of the trash you brought home, but I was always supportive of you.”