Life Is But a Dream

by Brian James

  A small group of people begins to gather around me. The driver is collecting their tickets as they go inside the bus. I watch them disappear one by one into the blackness.

  —It’s going to be okay— I mumble, sucking on the sleeve of my shirt. It’s just the static trying to trick me—trying to keep me from getting to Alec. I have to be brave.

  The cigarette boy moves in front of me. We are the only two left. He bends a little at the waist and leans toward me until his face is only inches from mine. —You getting on?— he asks, and I feel myself shrinking. —Hey? Are you okay?—

  —Fine— I’m almost shouting when I say it and he throws up his hands to tell me he was just trying to be nice, but his niceness is a disguise I see past. I wait for him to board first so that when I get on, I can be sure to sit far away.

  —You coming?— the driver says, and there’s something friendly about his voice that calms me—something that reminds me of a grandfather in some movie who is always helping everybody. He tips up the brim of his cap and winks. —I promise, I’m the best driver on this route. You’re in good hands.—

  There is no trace of static anywhere near him and I trust him.

  As I hand him the ticket, I can see that it’s crumbled and twisted the way my father wrinkles up newspaper to start a fire whenever we go away someplace cold. —Sorry— I whisper, but the driver tells me not to mention it.

  Once I’m on the bus, it’s nothing like I feared. The dark corners and shadows that hang over every seat aren’t terrifying at all. There’s actually something comforting about them—something protective. I move deliberately toward the back. I make sure not to glance at the cigarette boy as I pass. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that he’s staring at me. I keep walking until he is forgotten, fifteen seats away from where I sit down alone with my head resting against the window.

  The bus comes to life—the engine purring as we drive off. I take a pen from my pocket and hold my hands steady. The lights from passing cars on the road are all I need to trace the lines. In less than a minute, I am no longer lonely. With all of the stops along the way, it is three hours by bus to L.A. and now I have a familiar friend to keep me company. —Don’t worry, Fred. We’ll be there soon.—

  I let the rumble of the tires take over after that. The headlights on the highway hypnotize me. Soon my eyes are too heavy to keep open and I fall asleep.

  * * *

  Alec is waiting for me in my dream.

  —Hurry— he calls out.

  The ocean is behind him—a whirlpool in the center swallows the sun.

  He’s far ahead of me.

  My feet move so fast, they barely touch the ground.

  Just before I reach him, he disappears. The scenery shatters and I see the bus driver leaning across the seat, shaking me. —Last stop— he says.

  It won’t be long now before there’s no escape.

  If we don’t hurry, heaven won’t wait.

  CHAPTER

  EIGHTEEN

  It would terrify my dad to find me in a place like the bus terminal in Hollywood. It’s empty in the predawn hours of the morning. Long shadows darken the corners and corridors to save energy. The people here are people with nowhere to go. My dad would see stranger danger all around. Not me—I feel better in places like this.

  —Sabrina, at your age, everyone thinks they are invincible, but you’re not— he said to me the week before I started high school. He was just as nervous as I was about starting a bigger school. I think he’s always been worried about me. I feel it every time he looks at me. There’s a spark in his eyes. I know it’s love that makes them glow like that, but under it there is the fear of losing love. —You have to promise me you’ll be smart, okay? I know you think we’re strict, but your mother and I make rules to protect you. We can’t be with you all of the time though. There are going to be times in the next four years where you’ll find yourself in certain situations where you’ll have to make a choice. All I ask is that you think before you act … don’t put yourself in danger if you can help it.—

  —Okay, Dad— I said.

  —I mean it, Sabrina … promise?—

  —I know. I mean it too.—

  He wouldn’t understand about me being in the bus station. He would think I was breaking my promise, but I’m not. My dad believes that bad disguises itself—that danger hides. I think it’s the opposite. The truly horrible things about the world are always reaching out for you.

  The man standing by the steel gate drawn over the closed coffee hut has dirty fingernails. He smiles at me with the grin of a crocodile. His legs are reptile and mobile. There is a shadow over him darker than midnight. He is to be avoided and I walk past.

  The woman sitting in a row of chairs attached to the wall is good. She has two bags bunched under her enormous legs. She takes up two seats with her size and the halo around her spreads another two seats on either side.

  —Excuse me— I say, and she opens her eyes, stirred from a nap that was just beginning. —I’m trying to get to Santa Monica … do you know which way I need to go?—

  The woman looks around for an information booth. The nearest one is unoccupied. —It figures— she says. —They ain’t never there. I’m pretty sure you want gate sixteen for that bus, but you might want to double-check.—

  —I don’t want to take the bus— I say. —I meant, how do I get there if I leave?—

  —Oh, that’s a different story altogether— she says, laughing. —I’ll tell you what you want to do … go out the main exit there— she says. Then she rattles off street names like a grocery list that I will never be able to memorize in their correct sequence. —If you get lost, just remember to keep the morning sun behind you until you hit the ocean.—

  —Then … Santa Monica is south of there, right?—

  —Sure is, but you’re not going to walk there, are you? Child, that’s far!— the lady warns me. When I say that I am planning to walk, she puts her hands on her hips—one corner of her mouth twisting into a frown. —Sure you don’t want to wait for the bus? The next one will be here in two hours. Besides, it ain’t exactly a good time for sightseeing.—

  I shake my head. There is a rabbit instinct inside of me pushing me to find Alec. Every second we’re apart is time the static has to get closer to me. I’ll go crazy if I sit for two hours. —Thanks. I’ll be okay. I can’t wait that long for a bus.—

  She shakes from side to side like an earthquake and laughs the same way. —Youth … always in a rush.—

  The sun is still underground when I get outside. The sky is washed with electric light. I watch the headlights of stray cars speeding through green lights. There is a building across the street with lights on in the second floor—muffled voices in a shouting match drift from the open window. I think about what my dad made me promise—about thinking before I act. I think the best action for me to take is to keep moving and take off in the direction the lady said would lead me to the ocean.

  I try to follow the directions she gave, but I keep forgetting to look at the street signs. I keep losing track of the number of intersections I pass and blocks I go down. Instead I focus on the palm trees and neon signs. —Keep it together … just a little longer— I tell myself because my brain is starting to feel unhinged like it used to in school. The past and present no longer mean as much since I left the hospital—it all seems to run together.

  By the time I reach the overpass bridge that crosses the freeway, I have no idea where I am. The noise is all around me—throbbing just behind my eyes.

  There is a chain-link fence along the overpass and I lean against it. The rattling metal is relaxing. I lock my fingers through its holes and breathe. I count my breaths as I watch the river of headlights far below. They are all searching for me with mechanical eyes but they can’t look up—only straight ahead.

  I wrap my fingers around my wishing stone and take it from my pocket. As soon as I feel its warm surface in my palm, I see the first rays of sunlight in
the sky.

  I take a deep breath and start to walk again—one step after the other with the sun behind me. I’m heading in the right direction again. I don’t know how far I’ve gone or how far I have left to go, but I’ll get there.

  Across the bridge, the neighborhoods change.

  Office space and stores transform themselves into houses. The houses grow in size—into mansions as I keep moving. But they quickly shrink again and stretch themselves into strip mall plazas.

  There is static everywhere in the air. I feel it all over my body like a rash of insect bites. It spreads from building to building through power lines. It’s beamed down from satellites like disease. It’s woven into the skyline and feeds off the traffic rushing by. It buzzes inside every fragmented conversation taking place all over the globe. It infects people through cell phones. It copies them inside of its computers. People are thin like paper and the static is fire—devouring its way through the population and getting hungrier.

  I’ve tried to point it out. To Kayliegh, my mom, my dad, but nobody ever sees it. Like passengers lost on a merry-go-round, they all miss it—too distracted by the motion and the blinking colored bulbs. They go around and around, spinning so fast it creates the illusion that everything is normal. I see past it though—I see what’s on the other side. I feel sorry for everyone else. They don’t even know the world is going to end at sunset, the second I jump off the ride with Alec. It’s all so clear to me now. Clearer than it’s ever been.

  —Don’t you think so?—

  I turn my head to the side, surprised that Alec isn’t with me. He felt so close for a second that it confuses me. But then I remember where I am and what I’m doing.

  I need to hurry.

  Time is running out.

  As I move swiftly through intersections newly clogged with strangers, I feel as though I’m coming out of a dream that has lasted my entire life. Once I’m with Alec—once his hand is touching mine—I will be wide-awake and waiting for heaven to welcome me.

  * * *

  —Do you even know where you’re going?— Kayliegh shouts. She keeps saying we’re lost, but she’s laughing about it. We’re not really that lost. We just took a wrong turn or something. But we can’t call our parents or anything. We told them we were going to a pool party. They have no idea we came to the city to go to the beach. Her parents would ground her for life—mine for twice that long.

  I turn my head. We’re both smiling nervously. —We’ll find it— I promise her. —The palm trees will guide us there.— I point to the row of trees lining the sidewalk like open umbrellas. Their leaves are so shiny—they pull me along the sun-soaked streets. —I trust them to take us the right way.—

  —Oh … great. I feel sooo much better now— Kayliegh says, rolling her eyes. But she trusts me and I can tell she’s not as anxious.

  She watches as I stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. I spin around in a circle with my eyes closed and my arms out to my side. When I open my eyes again, the scenery changes. The streets evaporate and the city becomes weightless without its roads. Even the tallest buildings appear feathery. A strong wind could probably blow the entire city away. Some lucky person up in the hills would get to see it all—Los Angeles scattered to the wind like sparkling dust.

  —Sabrina?— Kayliegh says. —You’re lost, aren’t you?—

  There’s a palm tree behind her and from my angle, it springs from her hair like a flower. The leaves are long and drape to the side. A purple haze surrounds them and it hurts my eyes. When I squint, it’s like I can almost hear words hidden in the brightness. They are telling me to follow.

  —We’re supposed to go that way— I say, aiming my eyes at the tree that is now waving in the breeze. Without waiting for Kayliegh, I dart through a parking lot and run toward it.

  Kayliegh’s laughter gets tangled with her words as she shouts —You’re completely nuts! Wait for me.—

  She’s falling farther behind. I reach out with my hand—stretching until my fingers slip into hers. I won’t let her rest or slow us down. We have to keep going until our feet touch the wet sand where the waves end.

  —Hurry. Let’s hurry— I yell. My legs struggle to keep pace with my butterfly heartbeat. Ignoring traffic lights and horns and people moving in the other direction, I move right along—the one- and two-story buildings with their shop windows blur past. This is how it feels to fly. This is how it feels to leave the world behind when the hand I’m holding suddenly becomes an anchor—yanking me backward.

  The muscles in my shoulder twist uncomfortably. The city grows heavy again in an instant—tugging at us with so much gravity, our wings get clipped.

  I rub at the soreness in my arm as I turn around. —Why did you stop?— I ask, but Kayliegh is not there anymore.

  A guy stands at arm’s length from me. He has long brown hair and wears torn jeans, and I can still see the shape of my hand where I held his. —This girl’s crazy, man!— he grunts to his friend who is an exact copy of him with the same saltwater hair hanging loose on his shoulders. Same torn jeans. Their spines are curved the way apes’ are when they try to stand taller. —She just grabbed my hand and started mumbling. Smiling and whatever.—

  I look at my hand and look at his and sense that they were once connected. My eyes are huge in my head as I listen to them talk about me as if I’m not there.

  —Leave her, man. She’s probably tabbed up, most likely.—

  —Or a Jesus freak or something.—

  —Nah, look at her … she’s drugged.—

  They are transparent, yet I can’t see through them as they walk away. Then they fade before my eyes. The sound of their voices scatters, getting lost in the crowded sidewalk. I tuck my hair behind my ears. It feels wet and smooth, but warm where the sun has touched it. Bringing my hand down to my mouth, I rub my lips. —Kayliegh was never here— I whisper in my birthmark’s ear—moving my mouth but not making any sound.

  I spy a girl staring at me. People move past her in both directions. She stands still—waiting. She’s not really anybody—just my ghost reflected in a store window. A secret person sucking at her sleeve, which means I am too. She has black circles under her eyes dark as ink stains, pink skin around the edges and pale everywhere in between.

  I touch my cheek to see if it’s really me.

  I feel her fingerprints on my skin and I’m not sure which is me and which is the imposter. I don’t know where I am—trapped or free or somewhere in between.

  Shadow cars zip past my reflection in the background. Clouds move in front of the sun like camera flashes. They all tangle together in my confusion and I have to concentrate to keep from being lost forever.

  —The beach— I whisper. —You’re going to the beach to see Alec.—

  The blue pen markings around my birthmark change shape in response—an invisible smile from an invisible cat, letting me know I’ve figured out something important.

  Kayliegh and I were going to the beach too. I just got mixed up. But all of that happened before and can’t happen again. A thing only happens once and it won’t happen any more. Dr. Richards says I can’t control my episodes but she’s wrong. I just have to pay more attention.

  I break into a sprint—swinging my arms wildly. I don’t care when I bump into people who stop to shout threats at me because it’s all starting to look familiar. I’ve been past these shops before—the ice-cream stand with the large vanilla and chocolate swirl sculpture rising from its roof. Kayliegh and I went there. The guys behind the counter looked at our bathing suits wishing they had X-ray eyes and gave us cones for free.

  I know where I am.

  I don’t stop there this time—I run right by. It’s how I will keep the past from absorbing the present.

  I can hear the waves over the noise in the air. The coastal highway is right in front of me—four lanes separating the city from sand. There’s a swarm of people standing on the corner waiting for the light to change. I brush past them—rushi
ng headlong into the screeching of brakes.

  Faces stare at me through the windshields with identical expressions. Their mouths move rapidly, flashing angry teeth but I smile back. I push aside the sweaty strands of hair sticking to my forehead and walk between the cars like an angel as I step onto the beach.

  There is a hot wind coming off the water, blowing in from a place much farther away than the other side of the horizon. The sky is brighter too. My feet sink into the sand and my steps become slower. Throwing my arms out like wings, I raise my head to the changing colors of the sky. When I turn around to face the city towering in the background, the glass windows sparkle and glow like so many wishing stones piled on top of one another.

  —I knew it was real. It’s happening just as I knew it would— I say, watching the world dissolve before my eyes.

  CHAPTER

  NINETEEN

  The sun has moved out over the waves. It sits behind the Ferris wheel like a spotlight too bright to stare at directly. The amusement park ride fades into flakes of white paint and metal rods that crisscross and divide the sunbeams into fractions. The colored cages blend together as they go round, making a rainbow ring around the sun.

  I sit in its shadow, facing the ocean.

  The boardwalk is covered in the scent of cotton candy billowing from the small snack stand a few feet away from me. The smell is so strong I can nearly see vapor trails of dissolved sugar spreading gently out over the pier. Here and there, pink clouds of candy sprout from the thin crowd of people like markers counting down the end of time.

  Off to my right, there is a row of houses built right on the beach. If I squint, I can see future explosions hidden inside each of them—their tall windows holding back an intense orange light like transparent teeth trying to hold fire in a dragon’s mouth.