All We Knew

by Beck, Jamie

Mimi came back outside with six-month-old Betsy on her hip, jeans stained with some kind of baby food.

  Betsy’s angelic face, surrounded by golden curls, had ruby-red lips that broke into a wide, gum-filled smile. Sara’s heart could hardly handle the cuteness.

  Mimi smiled at Daisy. “You having fun with Aunt Sara?”

  Daisy nodded and kicked her little legs, leaning back for another push.

  “We’re going to Grammy’s for dinner tomorrow,” Mimi said. “How ’bout we pick the last of the apples and make a pie?”

  “Okay.” Daisy hopped off the swing and ran to the shed to get a pail.

  “Gimme the little bundle of love.” Sara reached for Betsy with grabby hands and then smothered her face with kisses. Nothing in the whole world smelled as sweet as a baby. “They’re precious, Mimi. You’re so incredibly lucky.”

  A small wave of envy threatened to ruin the moment, but she rode it out and let it wash away.

  “I know.” Her face crinkled a little. “I’m really sorry about Gentry’s change of heart.”

  “Me too.” Sara blinked twice to stop the tears from welling. “But it could be for the best. Hunter was never really on board.”

  “Why do you say that?” Her sister leaned against one of the swing set posts. Her shoulder-length light-brown hair blew around her face. They were barely a year apart, and although Sara had been a high achiever compared with Mimi’s laid-back approach to life, they’d always enjoyed a good relationship.

  “He went along for my sake, but he always thought it was too complicated, given the family dynamic. Looks like he was right.”

  “That’s never easy to admit, is it?” Mimi stared off for a minute. “Then again, it’s been a while since I’ve had that problem.”

  “Oh?” Her sister’s disgruntled tone surprised Sara.

  “Well, you know. Tom’s laid off again. My part-time job at the yarn shop isn’t exactly keeping us flush. Thank God for all this food we grow, because things are tight. I keep telling him that he won’t find a new job by watching TV and moping.”

  “I’m sorry, Mimi. I had no idea . . .” Sara felt ashamed for the excesses of her life with Hunter. “I wish you’d have told me sooner. I’m happy to help.”

  Her sister waved her off. “I still owe you from the first time I borrowed money from you.”

  “You don’t need to repay me. You’re family.”

  “Thanks, but I don’t like owing you, or Hunter.”

  Sara didn’t want to be beholden to Hunter on that score, either, but she kept quiet. “Now that I’m back home, I can help. I’ll watch the kids while you and Tom figure things out. Maybe I can help him find a job.”

  “You can’t solve your problems by trying to fix mine.” Mimi raised her brows.

  “That’s not what I’m doing.” She hugged Betsy a little tighter.

  “If you say so.” Mimi glanced toward the tiny mobile home one hundred yards away. “So, what’s your plan?”

  “I’m not sure. Leaving was impulsive, but I’d run out of solutions. Maybe I can find some consulting work in Sacramento so I can be closer to my family. Lease a small place in the area.” Sara stared off in the distance while kissing Betsy’s head. “See how it feels to be single.”

  Mimi kicked her toe in the dirt and let a moment or two pass. “That can’t be what you really want.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s too sudden. You haven’t given yourself or Hunter time to talk through the options. And it’s pretty clear you’ve idealized what happens here in Sacramento when you’re not around. Let me clue you in. Everyone, including Mom and Dad, is busy with their own lives and problems. We aren’t still taking family camping trips all summer or doing the Sunday-dinner thing every week. Sometimes we go a month or more without getting together.

  “If you move back here, you’ll be just as lonely as you say you are up there with Hunter and his family. Maybe even more so, because you’ll be sleeping alone.” She crossed her arms, her tone softening from lecture mode to something pleading. “Besides, I’ve seen the way Hunter looks at you. He might not get it right every time, but he’d do anything for you. How can you leave someone who loves you that much?”

  How indeed? “Grand gestures can’t make up for the fact that I’m alone ninety percent of the time. When he is home, he’s barely present. He thinks he hasn’t changed, but he has in a million little ways that add up to a lot. And his animosity with Jenna is beyond unbearable.” Sara stroked Betsy’s hair and kissed her again. “The truth is, I’m not so sure he wants the kind of family I do. He’s perfectly happy with his busy life and no kids. Biking, work, and sex are his three needs.”

  “Don’t knock the sex part.” Mimi wrinkled her nose. “Tom and I have stumbled on that one a bit lately, which sucks.”

  So had Sara and Hunter, truthfully. The baby-making efforts had taken a toll, and even since the last IVF, they’d had their ups and downs in the bedroom—and his home office. “Bottom line, our priorities aren’t aligned. I want a real partner. A real family.”

  Mimi reached for Betsy, whom Sara reluctantly released. “I bet he wants those things, too.”

  “Maybe in some vague way. But CTC is his big passion—the center of all his decisions.”

  “That’s nothing new. It’s always been his baby.”

  Sara gaze drifted downward. CTC was Hunter’s baby. A living, breathing thing that he’d nurtured for years. A family legacy he meant to leave behind. His dad’s change of heart about its future had destroyed a part of Hunter just as sure as Gentry’s change of heart had destroyed a part of Sara.

  Daisy careered back to the group, white-knuckled grip on her pail, and captured Sara’s hand. The exertion stained her chubby cheeks with a deep-pink hue. “Let’s go, Aunt Sara. If you lift me, I can pull them.”

  “You two go ahead. I’ll take Betsy in and put her down for a nap.” Mimi moved Betsy’s hand to make her wave. “Bye-bye!”

  “Bye, my angel.” Sara blew Betsy a kiss, then turned to Daisy. “You’re such a good helper.”

  They strolled to the apple tree orchard and scanned the branches, searching for the last few apples. “I see a few.”

  “Up!” Daisy shouted, dropping the pail to the ground.

  Sara hoisted her to where she could reach all but the highest ones. If Hunter had been with her, he would’ve been able to raise Daisy high enough to let her pick those, too. No one would suspect how good he could be with children, particularly when engaged in a project or experiment. It seemed a shame that he didn’t have his own, even if he didn’t realize it. “I’ll get those last three.”

  “Okay.” Daisy began methodically filling the bucket with the apples she’d picked.

  Sara stole another glance at Lisa’s funky tiny home. “Do you like having Aunt Lisa live so close?”

  Daisy’s nonchalant shrug suggested Lisa didn’t exactly relish her nieces. “Lucas is fun.”

  Sara smiled, doubting Lisa would be happy to learn that her dog outranked her.

  “When we were little girls, your aunt Lisa used to love to finger-paint. She painted everything. One time when no one was paying much attention, she painted Grandpa’s car!”

  Daisy giggled. “I want to paint a car.”

  “No, no!” Too soon she realized her mistake. She’d have to warn Mimi. “Stick to paper, sweetie.”

  Daisy scrunched up her tiny face and held up the bucket for the rest of the apples. “Okay.”

  “Aunt Lisa used to like to cook, too. Does she help your mommy with dinner?”

  Daisy shook her head. “No, silly. But sometimes she comes and eats with us and takes our cookies.”

  “Well, I suppose I can’t blame her for stealing your mom’s yummy cookies.” She tapped Daisy’s nose, but was surprised to learn that Lisa wasn’t spending more time with Mimi or helping with the kids.

  When they returned to the house, Sara asked Mimi about it.

  Mimi laughed. “We’re talki
ng about Lisa, right?”

  “I know she’s not the most proactive person, but when you ask, she’ll usually help out.”

  “The way I see it, when you love someone, you should look for ways to help without the prompt. Especially if they’re letting you squat on their property for free.” Mimi shook her head as she measured the flour. “I’m tired of having to ask. She’s old enough to be able to anticipate—to know what I need and do it, you know?”

  Sara conceded. She thought of how often she’d stopped in to visit her mother-in-law, kept the pantry stocked with Hunter’s favorites, bought birthday presents for in-laws without reminders, and tended to Jed when he got sick. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  After rinsing the apples, Sara began peeling and chopping while her sister started making the pie dough. Daisy’s attention span didn’t last. Sara smiled, watching her wander into the living room to play.

  “I see that look on your face, and I worry,” Mimi said.

  “Worry?”

  “I can’t imagine how it feels to face the challenges and losses you’ve suffered to try to have kids.” Mimi hesitated, and Sara could tell from her expression that she didn’t know how to finish her thought. “But is it possible that some of the trouble in your marriage has more to do with your emotional landscape than with Hunter’s behavior?”

  “You think it’s my fault?” She set the knife down.

  “It’s no one’s fault, Sara.” Mimi’s face shone with empathy. “For two years you’ve given everything you have to one goal, and now your tank is empty. The fact that you and Hunter are dealing with that loss so differently causes tension, which is made worse because you’ve got nothing in your tank.”

  Mimi then walked over and slung an arm around Sara’s shoulder. “Could Hunter be more attentive? Sure. But isn’t it also up to you to refill your own tank? You could try grief counseling. Just a suggestion. Bottom line, if you love him and he loves you, there are other solutions you might try before calling it quits.”

  Sara eased away, picked up the knife again, and peeled the apples with a little more force. They worked side by side in silence for a few minutes.

  While her sister rolled out the crust, Sara’s phone buzzed. She wanted to ignore it but couldn’t. Not when her whole world had flipped on its head. Resigned, she pulled it from her pocket. Gentry’s name appeared on the screen.

  She set the knife down again and froze. An image of Gentry sitting on the floor at Jed’s feet flashed, bringing up the pain Sara had been sitting on. She almost didn’t answer the call but then worried that something had happened to Jed, or Hunter.

  She turned away from Mimi. “Hello.”

  “Sara, gosh, I expected your voice mail. I mean, I’m glad you answered, but I assumed you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

  Sara didn’t have the strength to converse with Gentry about anything other than an emergency. “Is everything okay with your dad?”

  “Yes . . . well, I mean, he’s basically the same. More upset today because of what Hunter pulled, but that’s not why I’m calling.”

  What had Hunter pulled? She almost asked but then remembered she didn’t want to talk to Gentry. A conundrum, now that she wanted to know about Hunter.

  “Colby says you left town. Is it true? Did you leave because of me?” Gentry’s voice cracked. “I told you I’m sorry. I never thought I’d get attached to my baby. I swear, Sara. I never meant to hurt you or Hunter. Now you’ve left, and he’s gone crazy.”

  She couldn’t picture Hunter—the sanest, most controlled person she’d ever known—out of control. “What did he do?”

  “Went all legal on Dad. Basically, kicked him out as CEO and took over. Something about bylaws and Dad being incapacitated—I don’t really understand. My mom’s furious, and Dad’s pretty unhappy, too.”

  Hunter hated losing command of anything, yet he’d lost control of the adoption and of her. No wonder he needed to seize CTC. Even so, he’d regret humbling his father this way. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day.

  He might be spiteful now, but Hunter loved his dad. He’d spent his whole life in service to Jed. The irony was that, as much as her husband probably believed he’d gained control of the situation, he didn’t see how he’d lost control of himself.

  Sara pressed her thumb and middle finger against her temples.

  “Sara, are you still there?”

  “Yes.” She wanted to hang up, but something stopped her.

  “Do you hate me?”

  Her body flashed hot and cold. Only Gentry would put her on the spot that way. “Hate” was a strong word. One she never particularly understood. Betrayed, hurt, angered, sure . . . but not hatred. “No.”

  “Thank you.” Gentry sniffled. “I know I’ve screwed up and hurt you, which is the worst, because, of everyone in my ridiculous family, you’ve consistently been the nicest to me. Will you ever forgive me?”

  “Does it matter? I’m here, you’re there.” She projected ahead, picturing a future without Hunter, Colby, Leslie, and the rest. Wondering if they’d mend fences. Imagining not seeing Gentry’s child born or raised, and not being involved in Colby’s wedding one day, whenever that happened. Could she really live the rest of her life without seeing Hunter or his smile? Without knowing how he was doing or, eventually, whom he was seeing?

  That last thought reached through her chest and gripped her heart.

  “I thought you just needed to clear your head, not that you’d actually stay in California. Holy shit, Hunter will lose his mind if you divorce him. He’ll never forgive me.” Those last words came out as a frightened whisper.

  Sara thought about what Mimi had said about Hunter’s relationship to CTC.

  Even if her marriage ended, she didn’t want to see him destroyed. She didn’t even want to see him hurt. She loved him, after all.

  As much as she’d been urging him to let go of the company, now she knew it would be wrong for him. Colby would vote with him, but he’d need Gentry’s vote to win. “He might forgive you if you don’t vote to sell. He’s given everything to CTC, Gentry. I understand how you’ve grown attached to your child. It’s your right to keep your baby, but don’t take Hunter’s baby from him, too. Trust him to make it flourish.”

  “But my mom and dad—”

  “Your parents have everything they could ever need, and so do you. Hunter will have nothing left if the company is sold.” Her throat ached. “I hope you’ll think about that, but I’ve got to go.”

  “Okay.”

  “Goodbye, Gentry.” Sara hit “End” before Gentry could say anything more. Her throat felt raw. She set the phone down and stared at it, forgetting that she wasn’t alone.

  “You okay?” Mimi finished the latticework on the pie, carefully avoiding eye contact.

  “I don’t know.” It hurt to learn Hunter was so distraught that he’d usurped his own father.

  She had her family for support, but Hunter wouldn’t turn to anyone. Colby would reach out, but he’d shut her out, too, unable to see how self-destructive his actions were until it was too late.

  “Sara?”

  Then something she’d never considered dawned on her. Maybe he’d shove all his sorrow down so deep the only thing left would be a hollow shell. A visage of Hunter staring at her with absolutely no feeling in his eyes made her knees weak. She sank onto a kitchen chair. “I honestly don’t know.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  It’d been five days since Sara had left him. Ignoring his mom’s advice, he’d been convinced that Sara would regret her rash move and return to work things out, so he hadn’t groveled. In fact, they’d only spoken the day after she’d left.

  “I’m sorry I left the way I did, but I felt like I had no choice.”

  “You had a choice.” They both had choices in this marriage, and if she planned to cast up his shitty decisions, he’d call hers out, too.

  “I guess I made it, then.”

  He’d worn his heart on his
sleeve long enough; now he’d hide it until the bruising healed. “I guess you did.”

  In the silence that followed, his heartbeat intensified until it seemed to be pulsating in his throat. He waited for some glimmer of hope—an opening that would signal a desire to come home. He’d take any crumb she offered, but he wouldn’t make the first move. Not when she’d been the one to tear it all apart.

  She finally spoke . . . more of a whisper, really. “I don’t want to argue anymore. We both deserve better. We deserve to be happy.”

  “Are you happy now?”

  “Not yet.”

  Just like that, hope died. “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind, so I won’t fight you. You want to separate? I’ll pack your things and send them to you. You want a divorce? I’ll give you whatever you need to be ‘happy.’”

  “Hunter . . .”

  “What? Is that wrong, too? Am I not giving you what you asked for? Sorry I’m not perfect. Sorry I can’t read your mind. Sorry that the ways that I’ve loved you haven’t been the exact ways that you’ve needed. But as insensitive as you think I’ve been this past year, at least I didn’t quit on us.” He hung up, unwilling to prolong the painful confrontation.

  Unable to process the reality of his crumbling marriage.

  Unprepared to face a future without Sara.

  With each passing day, the truth sank in. Sara meant every word in that note, and she probably wasn’t coming back. The pain of that reality had carved near-permanent frown lines around his mouth and eyes. If his marriage were his only personal relationship in crisis, he might be able to eat or sleep.

  Unfortunately, it had also been five days since he’d ousted his father as CEO. The initial thrill of one-upmanship had faded. He couldn’t put a name to the mash of emotions that hijacked his soul. The only good outcome of what he’d done was the fact that Jenna steered clear of him.

  His power play had shifted the mood of the office, provoking whispers among the employees. Now that he had Pure Food’s formal letter of intent in hand, he’d be derelict if he sat on it. Besides, holding off on a board vote would only tighten the knot in his stomach.

  “Are you sure you want to do this today?” Bethany handed him the stack of bound pro formas he’d requested. “You’re in control now. Why not stall until you have deal terms from King Cola?”