F2T free to talk
AFAIK as far as I know
T+ think positive
BCNU be seeing you
HAND have a nice day
KIT keep in touch
CUL8R see you later
ZZZ tired, bored
When people switched to predictive text, they discovered the phenomenon of the phone’s software coming up with the wrong word; most famously book for cool (so teenagers started describing their hipper friends as ‘book’). Other textonyms include:
lips for kiss
shag for rich
carnage for barmaid
poisoned for Smirnoff
A LITTLE SOMETHING
A gift, however small, will always go down well:
toecover (1948) an inexpensive and useless present
xenium (Latin 1706) a gift given to a guest
exennium (Old English law) a gift given at New Year
groundbait (Royal Navy slang) a box of chocolates or something similar given to a lady friend in pursuit of a greater prize
DIGNITY AND PRIDE
In the US, the knuckles touched together are called, variously, closed-fist high fives, knuckle buckles or fist jabs. Done horizontally, the gesture is called a pound; vertically it’s the dap (which some say is an acronym of ‘dignity and pride’). Other greetings, of course, involve words, but hopefully not misunderstandings:
dymsassenach (Cheshire) a mangled Welsh phrase meaning ‘I don’t understand English’
shaggledick (Australian slang) an affectionate greeting for someone who is familiar but whose name doesn’t come to mind
take me with you (Tudor–Stuart) let me understand you clearly
thuten (Middle English 1100–1500) to say ‘thou’ to a person, to become a close friend
ALL RIGHT, MATE?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression, so be aware of how you’re coming across:
corduroy voice (US 1950s) a voice that continually fluctuates between high and low (from the up-and-down ridges in corduroy)
yomp (Cheshire) to shout with the mouth wide open
snoach (1387) to speak through the nose
psellism (1799) an indistinct pronunciation, such as produced by a lisp or by stammering
RABBIT, RABBIT
Though there are always those who just can’t help themselves:
macrology (1586) much talk with little to say
clatterfart (1552) a babbler, chatterer
chelp (Northern and Midlands 19C) to chatter or speak out of turn
blatteroon (1645) a person who will not stop talking
clitherer (Galway) a woman with too much to say
air one’s vocabulary (c.1820) to talk for the sake of talking
SMOOTH CUSTOMER
Chit-chat apart, good manners always go down well (however bogus they may be):
garbist (1640) one who is adept at engaging in polite behaviour
jaisy (Midlands) a polite, effeminate man
sahlifahly (Nottinghamshire) to make flattering speeches
court holy water (1519) to say fair words without sincere intention; to flatter
deipnosophist (1656) a skilful dinner conversationalist
PETER PIPER: TONGUE TWISTERS
There are tongue twisters in every language. These phrases are designed to be difficult to say and to get harder and harder as you say them faster. They’re not just for fun. Therapists and elocution teachers use them to tame speech impediments and iron out strong accents.
Repeat after me (being particularly careful with the last one) …
Sister Sue sells sea shells. She sells sea shells on shore. The shells she sells. Are sea shells she sees. Sure she sees shells she sells
You’ve known me to light a night light on a light night like tonight. There’s no need to light a night light on a light night like tonight, for a night light’s a slight light on tonight’s light night
I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m the pheasant plucker’s son. I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes
Some short words or phrases ‘become’ tongue-twisters when repeated, a number of times fast:
Thin Thing
French Friend
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Unique New York
Sometimes Sunshine
Irish Wristwatch
Big Whip
CLEVER CLOGS
But let’s not go too far. Nothing, surely is worse than those people who put on airs and graces …
nosism (1829) the use of the royal ‘we’ in speaking of oneself
peel eggs (c.1860) to stand on ceremony
gedge (Scotland 1733) to talk idly with stupid gravity
godwottery (1939) the affected use of archaic language
… or claim to know more than they do:
ultracrepidarian (1819) one who makes pronouncements on topics beyond his knowledge
raw-gabbit (Scotland 1911) speaking confidently on a subject of which one is ignorant
to talk like the back of a cigarette card (UK slang 1930s) to pretend to greater knowledge than one has (the cards carried a picture on the front and a description or potted biography on the back)
MANNER OF SPEAKING
All’s fair in love and war, but a good classical education provides a conversational armoury that is hard to match:
diasyrm (1678) a rhetorical device of damning with faint praise
sermocination (1753) a speaker who quickly answers his own question
paraleipsis (Ancient Greek 1586) mentioning something by saying you won’t mention it
eutrapely (1596) pleasantness in conversation (one of the seven virtues enumerated by Aristotle)
IRONY IN THE SOUL
Other tricks can leave the Average Joe standing …
charientism (1589) an insult so gracefully veiled as to seem unintended
asteism (1589) polite and ingenuous mockery
to talk packthread (b.1811) to use indecent language well hidden, as a tinker carefully folds and tucks thread back away into his pack of goods
vilipend (1529) verbally to belittle someone
… and make the rest of us look like idiots:
onomatomania (1895) vexation in having difficulty in finding the right word
palilalia (1908) a speech disorder characterized by the repetition of words, phrases or sentences
verbigeration (1886) the repetition of the same word or phrase in a meaningless fashion (as a symptom of mental disease)
WORD JOURNEYS
Originally these common words and phrases meant something very different:
constipate (16C from Latin) to crowd together into a narrow room
anthology (17C from Ancient Greek) a collection of flowers
round robin (17C) a petition of protest whose signatures were originally arranged in a circle so that no name headed the list and no one person seemed to be the author (the robin does not refer to the bird but to the French rond for round and ruban for ribbon)
costume (18C) manners and customs belonging to a particular time and place
STICKYBEAK
Character
Let him that would be happy for a day,
go to the barber; for a week, marry a wife;
for a month, buy him a new horse; for a
year, build him a new house; for all his
life time, be an honest man
(1662)
According to legal statute an idiot is an individual with an IQ of less than 20, an imbecile between 21 and 49 and a moron between 50 and 70. As you cast around for insults it may be worth remembering these categories. But then again, the English language has never been short of slurs for the stupid. Historically, you could have been a clumperton (mid 16C), a dull-pickle or a fopdoodle (both 17C); and more recently, two ants short of a picnic, two wafers short of a communion or even a few vouchers short of a pop-up toaster.
Over the centuries, some other fine reproaches have i
ncluded:
doddypoll (1401) a hornless cow, hence a fool
jobbernowl (1599) a blockhead
slubberdegullion (1616) a dirty, wretched slob
goostrumnoodle (Cornwall 1871) a stupid person, a fool
LOOSE KANGAROOS
Australians, in particular, specialize in scorn for the intellectually challenged. In the 1950s you could have been as mad (or silly) as a cut snake, a hatful of worms or a Woolworth’s watch. More recently, in the 1980s, you might have been a couple of tinnies short of a slab or a few snags short of a barbie (where a tinnie is a beer can, a slab is a stack of cans and a snag is a sausage). Then again, a real idiot or drongo couldn’t blow the froth off a glass of beer, knock the skin off a rice-pudding, pick a seat at the pictures, find a grand piano in a one-roomed house, or tell the time if the town-hall clock fell on them. Other memorable expressions of Antipodean scorn include there’s a kangaroo loose in the top paddock and the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
MEN OF STRAW
Fools can often be enthusiastic in their idiocy. Arguably more irritating are those whose marbles are all present, but who somehow just lack the drive:
dardledumdue (Norfolk 1893) a person without energy
maulifuff (Scotland) a young woman who makes a lot of fuss but accomplishes very little
gongoozler (1904) an idle person who stands staring for prolonged periods at anything unusual
mulligrubs (1599) a state of depression of spirits
accidie (Old French c.1230) spiritual torpor, world weariness
WHAT NOW?
Other types it’s as well to steer clear of include the mean …
chinchin (Middle English 1100–1500) to be stingy
stiff (hotel trade jargon) any customer that fails to leave a tip
the moaning …
crusty-gripes (1887) a grumbler
choowow (Fife) to grumble, a grudge
forplaint (1423) tired by complaining so much
the nosey …
quidnunc (1709) a person who always wants to know what is going on (from Latin: ‘what now’)
stickybeak (New Zealand 1937) an inquisitive person; also the nose of a nosy-parker
pysmatic (1652) interrogatory, always asking questions or inquiring
the elusive …
didapper (1612) someone who disappears and then pops up again
whiffler (1659) one who uses shifts and evasions in argument
kinshens (Scotland 1870) an evasive answer: ‘I don’t know, I cannot tell’
salt one up (US slang) to tell a different lie when covering up something
salvo (1659) a false excuse; an expedient to save a reputation or soothe hurt feelings
the unattractive …
farouche (Horace Walpole 1765) sullen, shy and repellent in manner
yahoo (Swift: Gulliver’s Travels 1726) a crude or brutish person
ramstamphish (Scotland 1821) rough, blunt, unceremonious; forward and noisy
the tedious …
meh (US slang popularized by The Simpsons) boring, apathetic or unimpressive
whennie (UK current slang) a person who bores listeners with tales of past exploits
and the just plain impossible …
quisquous (Scotland 1720) hard to handle, ticklish
utzy (LA slang 1989) uncomfortable, bothered, uneasy
argol-bargolous (1822) quarrelsome, contentious about trifles
camstroudgeous (Fife) wild, unmanageable, obstinate, perverse
whiffling (1613) trifling, pettifogging, fiddling
TWO GENTLEMEN
In the early nineteenth century two gentlemen in particular were to be avoided. Though both types persist, social developments may mean we see more of the second than the first these days. A gentleman of three ins was ‘in gaol, indicted, and in danger of being hanged in chains’. While a gentleman of three outs was ‘without money, without wit, and without manners’.
HIGH HAT
Foppish, conceited behaviour – once known as coxcombical (1716) – seems too to be a persistently male trait:
jackanapes (Northern 1839) a conceited, affected, puppyish young man
princock (1540) a pert, forward, saucy boy; a conceited young man
flapadosha (Yorkshire) an eccentric, showy person with superficial manners
WITCH’S BROOM
Women, by contrast, have come in for all kinds of criticism:
mackabroin (1546) a hideous old woman
Xanthippe (1596) an ill-tempered woman, a shrew (after Socrates’s wife)
cantlax (Westmoreland) a silly, giddy woman
termagant (1659) a violent, brawling, quarrelsome woman
bungo-bessy (Jamaican 1940) a woman whose busybody qualities are considered highly undesirable
criss-miss (West Indian 1950s) a pretentious woman who overestimates her abilities, charms and allure
YUPPIES
Everyone’s so used to the word yuppie now that they forget that only twenty-five years ago it was a brand new acronym for Young Urban Professional. Here are some other acronyms coined subsequently to that famous first:
SPURMO a Straight, Proud, Unmarried Man Over 30
SADFAB Single And Desperate For A Baby
CORGI a Couple Of Really Ghastly Individuals
SITCOM Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
KIPPERS Kids In Parental Property Eroding Retirement Savings
SKIERS Spending their Kids Inheritance (on travel, health and leisure activities)
SLYBOOTS
Better, perhaps, those who assume airs than those who seem straightforward but aren’t:
janjansy (Cornwall 1888) a two-faced person
accismus (Medieval Latin 1753) feigning a lack of interest in something while actually desiring it
mouth-honour (G. B. Shaw: Major Barbara 1907) civility without sincerity mawworm (1850) a hypocrite with delusions of sanctity
Podsnap (from the character in Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend 1864) a complacent, self-satisfied person who refuses to face unpleasant facts
skilamalink (East London slang late 19C) secret, shady
REGULAR GUY
Such characters make one long for that remarkable thing: the straightforward, decent, or just thoroughly good person …
rumblegumption (Burns: letter 1787) common sense
pancreatic (1660) fully disciplined or exercised in mind, having a universal mastery of accomplishments
towardliness (1569) a good disposition towards something, willingness, promise, aptness to learn
Rhadamanthine (Thackeray: Paris Sketchbook 1840) strictly honest and just (Rhadamanthus, Zeus’s half-human son, was made a judge of the souls of the dead due to his inflexible integrity)
… this is someone we all want to spend time with, and stay loyal to …
wine (Old English) a friend
bully (Geordie) a brother, comrade
bread-and-cheese friend (Sussex) a true friend as distinguished from a cupboard-lover (a personal attachment that appears to be motivated by love but stems from the hope of gain)
WORD JOURNEYS
amnesty (16C from Ancient Greek) forgetfulness, oblivion
nice (13C from Latin nescire: to be ignorant) foolish; then (14C) coy, shy; then (16C) fastidious, precise; then (18C) agreeable, delightful
obnoxious (16C from Latin) exposed to harm
generous (16C from Latin via Old French) nobly born
GOING POSTAL
Emotions
Be not too sad of thy sorrow,
of thy joy be not too glad
(c.1450)
Throughout the world the British were once famed for their stiff upper lip; but is this sort of imperturbability really no more than a paper-thin façade for some extremely strong feelings beneath?
ugsomeness (1440) loathing
jump salty (US slang 1996) to become angry
brain (Middle English 1100–1500) furious
throw
sarcasm (Jamaican English 1835) to relieve one’s emotions by speaking out about one’s dislike for or sense of grievance against another
unbosom (1628) to disclose one’s personal thoughts or feelings
HOPPING MAD
It’s now generally agreed that it’s better to let it all out than keep it in:
dudgeon (1597) a resentful anger (dudgeon was a wood used to make dagger hilts)
mumpish (1721) sullenly angry; depressed in spirits
wooden swearing (US slang b.1935) showing anger by acts of violence or roughness, as in knocking furniture about
go postal (US slang 1986) to lose your temper, behave with irrational violence, especially as a result of workplace stress (from a postal worker who killed fourteen fellow employees and wounded six before shooting himself)
JESUS WEPT
Tears, too, are regarded as a good thing these days. But it doesn’t stop them sometimes making for a kankedort (Chaucer: Troylus 1374) an awkward situation:
gowl (c.1300) to weep bitterly or threateningly
skirllie-weeack (Banffshire) to cry with a shrill voice
grizzle (1842) to fret, sulk; to cry in a whining or whimpering fashion
sinsorg (Anglo-Saxon) perpetual grief
bubble (Geordie) to weep
BRING ME SUNSHINE
Luckily sunshine eventually follows rain. Words describing happiness offer fascinating barometers into history. For instance, the Old English word for joy, dream, also describes music and ecstasy – an intriguing view into the mind-frame of our ancestors …
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