poop and scoop to drive down a share price by spreading malicious rumours
mattressing the term used by other traders and bank managers to hide their results
barefoot pilgrim someone who has lost everything on the stock market, but might still be persuaded to invest again
catch a falling knife to buy a stock as its price is going down, in the hope that it will go back up, only to have it continue to fall
ROOM AT THE TOP
If you have ability, however, and enough patience to continue to play the game, you will slowly but surely make your way up the corporate ladder:
royal jelly flashy projects fed to someone whom the boss is grooming for promotion
marzipan layer the group who are ranked below the very top in their profession, but ahead of the majority
tribal chiefs bosses who dominate through charisma and patronage
deceptionist a secretary whose job it is to delay or block potential visitors on behalf of their boss
FIRM HAND
Though we’d all like to believe that hard work is always rewarded, with the best jobs going to the most productive people, the sad fact is that the realities of employing people are not always so straightforward:
muppet shuffle the redeployment of problem staff
featherbedding (1949) the practice of forcing the employer (by union rule etc.) to hire more workers than needed (or to limit his workers’ production)
kicked upstairs (1697) removed from the scene of action by promotion to an ostensibly higher post
other shoe syndrome when a number of executives in a firm are being made redundant, those survivors, rather than feeling relieved, find their own morale sabotaged as they wait for ‘the other shoe’ to come down on them
chainsaw consultants outside experts brought in to reduce the employee headcount (leaving the top brass with clean hands)
THE SACK
So unpleasant is it to ask people to clear their desks and take their skills elsewhere, that a huge number of words and phrases has grown up to euphemistically describe the simple fact of redundancy. You might have been handed your cards or perhaps you’re clearing your desk, considering your position or maybe becoming a consultant. Maybe you’ve been deselected or you’re taking an early bath. Then again, perhaps you’re excess to requirements or you’ve even been excluded. You’re leaving to give time to your other commitments or else you’re off on gardening leave. If you’re lucky you’ll have negotiated a golden handshake rather than merely being given a leave of absence or let go. When you’re given notice let’s hope they don’t say it’s natural wastage or that you’ve been stood down. No, you’re spending more time with your wife and family, as it’s your right to do, even if your contract has been terminated and nobody could really describe this as a voluntary relocation.
SMALL IS BETTER
As for the ruthless companies themselves, why, they’re doing nothing more unnatural than a bit of decruitment. They are in fact degrowing, dehiring, delayering and destaffing. In a process of downsizing some employees have had to take early release. Yes, there is a bit of executive outplacement and force reduction going on. Shall we call it internal reorganization? Nobody is being put out to grass. There’s been a personnel surplus reduction, indeed a straightforward rationalization of the workforce. Some people have been redeployed. There’s been a bit of restructuring, some retrenching and rightsizing, not to mention schedule adjustment, selective separation and skill-mix adjustment. It’s all nothing more than a bit of transitioning, vocational relocation and workforce imbalance correction.
MY OLD MAN’S A …
Once upon a time, we were all quite happy to say exactly what it was we did. But as status has become ever more important, some quite straightforward occupations have developed some quite preposterous titles:
vision clearance engineer a window cleaner
stock replenishment adviser a shelf stacker
dispatch services facilitator a post room worker
head of verbal communications a receptionist/secretary
environment improvement technician a cleaner
HAWKERS AND HUCKSTERS
However you dress him (or her) up, there’s no denying that a salesman is always a salesman. It’s an occupation that’s been around since men first started trading beads and barley:
chafferer (1382) a vendor who enjoys talking while making a sale
mangonize (Tudor–Stuart) to sell men or boys for slaves
bend-down plaza (Jamaican English) a row of roadside pedlars, specializing in items that are hard to get in shops, because of import restrictions
amster (Australian slang 1941) one who works outside a carnival, sideshow, strip club etc. touting the pleasures inside and pulling in the customers
click (1748) to stand at a shop-door and invite customers in
jaw-work! (mid 18C) a cry used in fairs by the sellers of nuts
WIDOWS AND ORPHANS
These guys know the price of everything, and its value too, and they’ve plenty of lingo to describe what they’re trying to get rid of …
zhing-zhong (Zimbabwean slang) merchandise made in Asia; cheaply made, inexpensive or substandard goods
halo model a super-product which enhances an entire brand
orphan (second-hand motor trade jargon) any discontinued model of a car
widow’s piano inferior instruments sold as bargains (from an advertisement announcing that a widow lady is compelled to sell her piano, for which she will take half price)
… how they do it …
deaconing (US slang 1866) the practice of packing food so that the finest specimens are visible
shillaber (North American slang 1913) someone posing as an enthusiastic or successful customer to encourage other buyers
trotting (auction jargon) the tactic whereby a dealer’s ring will force an outsider up to an unrealistically high bid, at which point they will drop out and leave their rival with a large bill
bovrilise (1901) to condense an advertisement to essentials
… and those to whom they’re pitching their spiel …
nose picker a salesman’s derogatory description of a potential client who cannot make up their mind and has no power of decision-making within the firm
twack (Newfoundland 1937) a shopper who looks at goods, inquires about prices but buys nothing
grey panthers (US slang) assertive and/or exigent elderly consumers
THE READIES
At the end of it there’s one glorious commodity that makes it all worthwhile:
stadge (Lancashire and Cheshire) the date of issue stamped upon coins
mule (industry jargon) a coin or note which has two mismatched sides
drink-link (Ireland slang 1990s) a cash dispenser
squiddish (Northumberland) the twentieth part of a farthing
chapmoney (Shropshire) money which the seller gives back to the buyer for luck
wergeld (1214) money paid by the killer’s family by way of compensation to free the offender from further punishment
fornale (1478) to spend one’s money before it has been earned
LILIES OF THE FIELD
Although for some fortunate people, such vulgar considerations really don’t figure:
oofy (1896) rich
slippage (US slang 2005) the percentage of people who get a cheque and forget to cash it
set the Thames on fire (UK late 18C) to make a great success in life
stalko (1802) a man who has nothing to do and no fortune to support him but who styles himself as a squire
WORD JOURNEYS
robot (20C from Czech) servitude, forced labour
cattle (13C) property, wealth; then (16C) moveable property; then livestock
up the spout (UK slang b1894) from the spout (lift) used in pawnbrokers’ shops; when items were handed over in return for money they were sent ‘up the spout’ to the storeroom where they stayed until their owner could afford to redeem them
customer (14C) a customs house officer; then (16C) someone the customs officer had to deal with
BULK AND FILE
Crime and punishment
He that helpeth an evill man,
hurteth him that is good
(1597)
The line between making money by sheer hard work and from more dubious practices has always been thin:
vigerage (underworld slang 1935) a loan shark’s 20 per cent weekly interest
flim-flam (underworld slang 1881) the various dodges by which a thief, in changing money, obtains more than he gives from tradesmen and bank-tellers
mocteroof (costermongers’ jargon 1860) to doctor damaged fruit or vegetables
striping the lot (North American slang) the painting of the parking lot at a new shopping mall with extra-wide spacing for the positioning of cars (this gives the impression of the mall attracting more customers than it really does, and when business picks up, the spaces can be repainted somewhat narrower)
quomodocunquize (1652) to make money by any means possible
MY DEAR FELLOW!
Other ways of getting booty out of people may be more extreme:
gagging (c.1825) persuading a stranger that he is an old acquaintance and then borrowing money from him
bull trap (Australia 1930s) a villain who impersonates a policeman and preys on couples in lovers’ lanes, extorting money from those who should not be there
queer plungers (underworld slang 1785) crooks who threw themselves into the water and pretended to be drowning, before being taken by accomplices to one of the Humane Society houses for the recovery of drowned persons, where they were rewarded with a guinea each for rescuing the bogus victim
jibber the kibber (Cornwall 1781) a wrecker’s tactic of fixing a lantern round the neck of a horse which at night appeared like a ship’s light. The ships bearing toward it ran aground, and were plundered by the locals
NOT QUITE MY COLOUR
Even the most upright of us may not be totally straight all the time:
wardrobing (US slang) buying an item and then returning it after wearing it
bilker (1717) a person who gives a cabman less than his fare and, when remonstrated with, gives a false name and address
manoeuvring the apostles (b.1811) robbing Peter to pay Paul (i.e. borrowing from one man to pay another)
oyster (underworld slang 1920) a society woman employed to wear stolen jewellery in the hope that she will receive an offer from a fence, and will, because of her social position, remain unsuspected by the police
PANHANDLER
Just because you’ve been reduced to begging, it doesn’t mean that you’re dishonest. Having said that, some bums have always known that cheating pays:
dommerers (1567) men who pretended to be deaf and dumb
cleymes (b.1811) artificial sores, made by beggars to excite charity
scaldrum dodge (mid 19C) the practice of deliberately burning the body with a mixture of acids and gunpowder to simulate scars and wounds to soften the hearts of those from whom one begs
whip-jacks (1562) vagabonds who pretended to be shipwrecked sailors
aurium (16C) a wandering beggar posing as some kind of priest
CUTPURSE
Others, fitter and more fleet of foot, make better boodle by being proactive:
maltooling (b.1861) the picking of pockets in omnibuses
bulk and file (1698) two pickpockets operating together (the
bulk jostles the party that is to be robbed and the
file steals the treasure)
reef (c.1860) to draw up a dress-pocket until a purse is within reach of the fingers
pappy (underworld slang 1910) an elderly man whose clothes and pockets are baggy (the ideal victim for a pickpocket)
SLEIGHT OF HAND
As in many another career paths, the professional pilferer, too, likes to develop his expert knowledge:
feeder-prigger (late 18C) a thief specializing in silver spoons
badger (US mid 19C) a rogue who specializes in robbing clients who are visiting a brothel
efter (underworld slang 1846) a thief who robs theatre patrons during a show
tinny-hunter (late 18C) a thief who robs people whose homes are burning down, while pretending to give assistance
vamper (mid 19C) a thief who deliberately starts fights between others in order to rob them in the confusion
tosher (b.1859) one who steals copper from the bottom of ships moored in the Thames
ARTFUL DODGERS
Other tricks of the trade definitely make a crook’s life easier and more productive:
trigging the jigger (early 19C) placing a small piece of paper (trig) in the front door keyhole of a house that is presumed to be uninhabited; if the paper is still there a day later, the robber can believe that the house is empty and can be broken into safely
treacle-man (late 19C) a good-looking man who works as a decoy for burglars by charming the housemaid while the gang slip in unnoticed
snudge (underworld slang 1665) a thief who hides himself under a bed in order to rob the house
little snakesman (1781) a little boy who gets into a house through the sink-hole, and then opens the door for his accomplices
DOLPHINS AND TURTLES
Underworld slang, old and new, covers a whole range of dodgy activity, from the relatively harmless to the downright evil:
shoulder surf (UK current slang) to use a pair of binoculars to read the PIN of people using cash dispensers
slaughter (1950s) an immediate dumping ground for recently stolen property, before it is shared out or hidden more permanently and securely
turn turtle (early 19C) to flip a carriage upside-down
airmail (US prison jargon 1950s) concrete, bricks and so on hurled down from rooftops onto patrol cars responding to a call
rifling (underworld slang 1885) plundering dead bodies in the river (especially the Thames) and turning them adrift again
make one’s bones (New York slang 1969) to kill a person as a requirement for membership in a criminal gang
OLD BILL
One gang who know more about all this than most are society’s upholders of the law, who have a few tricks of their own up their sleeves:
flash roll (police jargon) a wad of money which is never actually used, but is flashed ostentatiously around to convince a criminal, e.g. a drug dealer, that one wishes to make a purchase, at which point an arrest will be made
Kojak with a Kodak (US 1970s) a policeman manning a radar speed trap
mule kick (US slang 2005) the act of standing with one’s back to the front door and kicking the door in
attitude-adjuster (US black slang) a club; a police officer’s stick
to get a fanner (Hobo slang) to be hit on the soles while sleeping on a park bench and moved on by the police
ghetto bird (US slang) a police helicopter
wiggle seat (US police jargon) a special lie detector that can be fitted to a chair and which will measure the bodily reactions of a suspect to various crucial questions
BAD APPLES
Upstanding members of society can only hope that their local rozzers are worthy of the power entrusted in them:
mumping (UK slang 1970) the acceptance by the police of small gifts or bribes from tradespeople
swim in golden grease (UK slang 17C) to receive many bribes
banana (UK street slang 1990s) a corrupt police officer (initially of the Special Patrol Group because they were, allegedly, yellow, bent and hanging around in bunches)
shoo-fly (US slang 1877) a policeman, usually in plain clothes, whose job is to watch and report on other police officers
accommodation collar (US police jargon) an arrest only made to raise the officer’s arrest record and thus improve his standing in the hierarchy
JUST DESERTS
There are some who would prefer that criminals were treated with the summary justice of yesteryear; without faffing around
with all that tedious business of innocent until proved guilty:
alfet (c.1000) a vat of boiling water into which the accused plunged his arm in lieu of a trial
keelhaul (1626) to punish in the seamen’s way, by dragging the criminal under water on one side of the ship and up again on the other
ride the stang (UK b.1828) to be carried on a pole through the town on men’s shoulders and pelted with refuse for the amusement of a hooting crowd (a derisive punishment for a breach of decorum or morality, especially on the part of a married man)
corsned (Anglo-Saxon law c.1000) a trial by ordeal that required a suspect to eat a piece of barley bread and cheese to test his innocence (if guilty, it was believed the bread would cause convulsions and choking)
whiffler (underworld slang 1859) a fellow who cries out in pain
PETTIFOGGERS
Undoubtedly the intervention of the legal profession does complicate matters, and sometimes completely unnecessarily:
kilburn (police jargon) the offcial police notebook that is produced in court (rhyming slang: Kilburn Priory for diary)
gunner (US slang) a law student who always needs to volunteer an answer to show off how smart he are
ambulance-chaser (underworld slang 1897) a lawyer who attends scenes of accidents and hospitals to get business from the injured or bereaved, who are not in a position to resist
dock asthma (police and prison jargon 1950s) gasps of (usually feigned) surprise and disbelief by prisoners in the dock
I Never Knew There Was a Word For It Page 34