I Never Knew There Was a Word For It

by Adam Jacot De Boinod

  poop and scoop to drive down a share price by spreading malicious rumours

  mattressing the term used by other traders and bank managers to hide their results

  barefoot pilgrim someone who has lost everything on the stock market, but might still be persuaded to invest again

  catch a falling knife to buy a stock as its price is going down, in the hope that it will go back up, only to have it continue to fall

  ROOM AT THE TOP

  If you have ability, however, and enough patience to continue to play the game, you will slowly but surely make your way up the corporate ladder:

  royal jelly flashy projects fed to someone whom the boss is grooming for promotion

  marzipan layer the group who are ranked below the very top in their profession, but ahead of the majority

  tribal chiefs bosses who dominate through charisma and patronage

  deceptionist a secretary whose job it is to delay or block potential visitors on behalf of their boss

  FIRM HAND

  Though we’d all like to believe that hard work is always rewarded, with the best jobs going to the most productive people, the sad fact is that the realities of employing people are not always so straightforward:

  muppet shuffle the redeployment of problem staff

  featherbedding (1949) the practice of forcing the employer (by union rule etc.) to hire more workers than needed (or to limit his workers’ production)

  kicked upstairs (1697) removed from the scene of action by promotion to an ostensibly higher post

  other shoe syndrome when a number of executives in a firm are being made redundant, those survivors, rather than feeling relieved, find their own morale sabotaged as they wait for ‘the other shoe’ to come down on them

  chainsaw consultants outside experts brought in to reduce the employee headcount (leaving the top brass with clean hands)

  THE SACK

  So unpleasant is it to ask people to clear their desks and take their skills elsewhere, that a huge number of words and phrases has grown up to euphemistically describe the simple fact of redundancy. You might have been handed your cards or perhaps you’re clearing your desk, considering your position or maybe becoming a consultant. Maybe you’ve been deselected or you’re taking an early bath. Then again, perhaps you’re excess to requirements or you’ve even been excluded. You’re leaving to give time to your other commitments or else you’re off on gardening leave. If you’re lucky you’ll have negotiated a golden handshake rather than merely being given a leave of absence or let go. When you’re given notice let’s hope they don’t say it’s natural wastage or that you’ve been stood down. No, you’re spending more time with your wife and family, as it’s your right to do, even if your contract has been terminated and nobody could really describe this as a voluntary relocation.

  SMALL IS BETTER

  As for the ruthless companies themselves, why, they’re doing nothing more unnatural than a bit of decruitment. They are in fact degrowing, dehiring, delayering and destaffing. In a process of downsizing some employees have had to take early release. Yes, there is a bit of executive outplacement and force reduction going on. Shall we call it internal reorganization? Nobody is being put out to grass. There’s been a personnel surplus reduction, indeed a straightforward rationalization of the workforce. Some people have been redeployed. There’s been a bit of restructuring, some retrenching and rightsizing, not to mention schedule adjustment, selective separation and skill-mix adjustment. It’s all nothing more than a bit of transitioning, vocational relocation and workforce imbalance correction.

  MY OLD MAN’S A …

  Once upon a time, we were all quite happy to say exactly what it was we did. But as status has become ever more important, some quite straightforward occupations have developed some quite preposterous titles:

  vision clearance engineer a window cleaner

  stock replenishment adviser a shelf stacker

  dispatch services facilitator a post room worker

  head of verbal communications a receptionist/secretary

  environment improvement technician a cleaner

  HAWKERS AND HUCKSTERS

  However you dress him (or her) up, there’s no denying that a salesman is always a salesman. It’s an occupation that’s been around since men first started trading beads and barley:

  chafferer (1382) a vendor who enjoys talking while making a sale

  mangonize (Tudor–Stuart) to sell men or boys for slaves

  bend-down plaza (Jamaican English) a row of roadside pedlars, specializing in items that are hard to get in shops, because of import restrictions

  amster (Australian slang 1941) one who works outside a carnival, sideshow, strip club etc. touting the pleasures inside and pulling in the customers

  click (1748) to stand at a shop-door and invite customers in

  jaw-work! (mid 18C) a cry used in fairs by the sellers of nuts

  WIDOWS AND ORPHANS

  These guys know the price of everything, and its value too, and they’ve plenty of lingo to describe what they’re trying to get rid of …

  zhing-zhong (Zimbabwean slang) merchandise made in Asia; cheaply made, inexpensive or substandard goods

  halo model a super-product which enhances an entire brand

  orphan (second-hand motor trade jargon) any discontinued model of a car

  widow’s piano inferior instruments sold as bargains (from an advertisement announcing that a widow lady is compelled to sell her piano, for which she will take half price)

  … how they do it …

  deaconing (US slang 1866) the practice of packing food so that the finest specimens are visible

  shillaber (North American slang 1913) someone posing as an enthusiastic or successful customer to encourage other buyers

  trotting (auction jargon) the tactic whereby a dealer’s ring will force an outsider up to an unrealistically high bid, at which point they will drop out and leave their rival with a large bill

  bovrilise (1901) to condense an advertisement to essentials

  … and those to whom they’re pitching their spiel …

  nose picker a salesman’s derogatory description of a potential client who cannot make up their mind and has no power of decision-making within the firm

  twack (Newfoundland 1937) a shopper who looks at goods, inquires about prices but buys nothing

  grey panthers (US slang) assertive and/or exigent elderly consumers

  THE READIES

  At the end of it there’s one glorious commodity that makes it all worthwhile:

  stadge (Lancashire and Cheshire) the date of issue stamped upon coins

  mule (industry jargon) a coin or note which has two mismatched sides

  drink-link (Ireland slang 1990s) a cash dispenser

  squiddish (Northumberland) the twentieth part of a farthing

  chapmoney (Shropshire) money which the seller gives back to the buyer for luck

  wergeld (1214) money paid by the killer’s family by way of compensation to free the offender from further punishment

  fornale (1478) to spend one’s money before it has been earned

  LILIES OF THE FIELD

  Although for some fortunate people, such vulgar considerations really don’t figure:

  oofy (1896) rich

  slippage (US slang 2005) the percentage of people who get a cheque and forget to cash it

  set the Thames on fire (UK late 18C) to make a great success in life

  stalko (1802) a man who has nothing to do and no fortune to support him but who styles himself as a squire

  WORD JOURNEYS

  robot (20C from Czech) servitude, forced labour

  cattle (13C) property, wealth; then (16C) moveable property; then livestock

  up the spout (UK slang b1894) from the spout (lift) used in pawnbrokers’ shops; when items were handed over in return for money they were sent ‘up the spout’ to the storeroom where they stayed until their owner could afford to redeem them


  customer (14C) a customs house officer; then (16C) someone the customs officer had to deal with

  BULK AND FILE

  Crime and punishment

  He that helpeth an evill man,

  hurteth him that is good

  (1597)

  The line between making money by sheer hard work and from more dubious practices has always been thin:

  vigerage (underworld slang 1935) a loan shark’s 20 per cent weekly interest

  flim-flam (underworld slang 1881) the various dodges by which a thief, in changing money, obtains more than he gives from tradesmen and bank-tellers

  mocteroof (costermongers’ jargon 1860) to doctor damaged fruit or vegetables

  striping the lot (North American slang) the painting of the parking lot at a new shopping mall with extra-wide spacing for the positioning of cars (this gives the impression of the mall attracting more customers than it really does, and when business picks up, the spaces can be repainted somewhat narrower)

  quomodocunquize (1652) to make money by any means possible

  MY DEAR FELLOW!

  Other ways of getting booty out of people may be more extreme:

  gagging (c.1825) persuading a stranger that he is an old acquaintance and then borrowing money from him

  bull trap (Australia 1930s) a villain who impersonates a policeman and preys on couples in lovers’ lanes, extorting money from those who should not be there

  queer plungers (underworld slang 1785) crooks who threw themselves into the water and pretended to be drowning, before being taken by accomplices to one of the Humane Society houses for the recovery of drowned persons, where they were rewarded with a guinea each for rescuing the bogus victim

  jibber the kibber (Cornwall 1781) a wrecker’s tactic of fixing a lantern round the neck of a horse which at night appeared like a ship’s light. The ships bearing toward it ran aground, and were plundered by the locals

  NOT QUITE MY COLOUR

  Even the most upright of us may not be totally straight all the time:

  wardrobing (US slang) buying an item and then returning it after wearing it

  bilker (1717) a person who gives a cabman less than his fare and, when remonstrated with, gives a false name and address

  manoeuvring the apostles (b.1811) robbing Peter to pay Paul (i.e. borrowing from one man to pay another)

  oyster (underworld slang 1920) a society woman employed to wear stolen jewellery in the hope that she will receive an offer from a fence, and will, because of her social position, remain unsuspected by the police

  PANHANDLER

  Just because you’ve been reduced to begging, it doesn’t mean that you’re dishonest. Having said that, some bums have always known that cheating pays:

  dommerers (1567) men who pretended to be deaf and dumb

  cleymes (b.1811) artificial sores, made by beggars to excite charity

  scaldrum dodge (mid 19C) the practice of deliberately burning the body with a mixture of acids and gunpowder to simulate scars and wounds to soften the hearts of those from whom one begs

  whip-jacks (1562) vagabonds who pretended to be shipwrecked sailors

  aurium (16C) a wandering beggar posing as some kind of priest

  CUTPURSE

  Others, fitter and more fleet of foot, make better boodle by being proactive:

  maltooling (b.1861) the picking of pockets in omnibuses

  bulk and file (1698) two pickpockets operating together (the

  bulk jostles the party that is to be robbed and the

  file steals the treasure)

  reef (c.1860) to draw up a dress-pocket until a purse is within reach of the fingers

  pappy (underworld slang 1910) an elderly man whose clothes and pockets are baggy (the ideal victim for a pickpocket)

  SLEIGHT OF HAND

  As in many another career paths, the professional pilferer, too, likes to develop his expert knowledge:

  feeder-prigger (late 18C) a thief specializing in silver spoons

  badger (US mid 19C) a rogue who specializes in robbing clients who are visiting a brothel

  efter (underworld slang 1846) a thief who robs theatre patrons during a show

  tinny-hunter (late 18C) a thief who robs people whose homes are burning down, while pretending to give assistance

  vamper (mid 19C) a thief who deliberately starts fights between others in order to rob them in the confusion

  tosher (b.1859) one who steals copper from the bottom of ships moored in the Thames

  ARTFUL DODGERS

  Other tricks of the trade definitely make a crook’s life easier and more productive:

  trigging the jigger (early 19C) placing a small piece of paper (trig) in the front door keyhole of a house that is presumed to be uninhabited; if the paper is still there a day later, the robber can believe that the house is empty and can be broken into safely

  treacle-man (late 19C) a good-looking man who works as a decoy for burglars by charming the housemaid while the gang slip in unnoticed

  snudge (underworld slang 1665) a thief who hides himself under a bed in order to rob the house

  little snakesman (1781) a little boy who gets into a house through the sink-hole, and then opens the door for his accomplices

  DOLPHINS AND TURTLES

  Underworld slang, old and new, covers a whole range of dodgy activity, from the relatively harmless to the downright evil:

  shoulder surf (UK current slang) to use a pair of binoculars to read the PIN of people using cash dispensers

  slaughter (1950s) an immediate dumping ground for recently stolen property, before it is shared out or hidden more permanently and securely

  turn turtle (early 19C) to flip a carriage upside-down

  airmail (US prison jargon 1950s) concrete, bricks and so on hurled down from rooftops onto patrol cars responding to a call

  rifling (underworld slang 1885) plundering dead bodies in the river (especially the Thames) and turning them adrift again

  make one’s bones (New York slang 1969) to kill a person as a requirement for membership in a criminal gang

  OLD BILL

  One gang who know more about all this than most are society’s upholders of the law, who have a few tricks of their own up their sleeves:

  flash roll (police jargon) a wad of money which is never actually used, but is flashed ostentatiously around to convince a criminal, e.g. a drug dealer, that one wishes to make a purchase, at which point an arrest will be made

  Kojak with a Kodak (US 1970s) a policeman manning a radar speed trap

  mule kick (US slang 2005) the act of standing with one’s back to the front door and kicking the door in

  attitude-adjuster (US black slang) a club; a police officer’s stick

  to get a fanner (Hobo slang) to be hit on the soles while sleeping on a park bench and moved on by the police

  ghetto bird (US slang) a police helicopter

  wiggle seat (US police jargon) a special lie detector that can be fitted to a chair and which will measure the bodily reactions of a suspect to various crucial questions

  BAD APPLES

  Upstanding members of society can only hope that their local rozzers are worthy of the power entrusted in them:

  mumping (UK slang 1970) the acceptance by the police of small gifts or bribes from tradespeople

  swim in golden grease (UK slang 17C) to receive many bribes

  banana (UK street slang 1990s) a corrupt police officer (initially of the Special Patrol Group because they were, allegedly, yellow, bent and hanging around in bunches)

  shoo-fly (US slang 1877) a policeman, usually in plain clothes, whose job is to watch and report on other police officers

  accommodation collar (US police jargon) an arrest only made to raise the officer’s arrest record and thus improve his standing in the hierarchy

  JUST DESERTS

  There are some who would prefer that criminals were treated with the summary justice of yesteryear; without faffing around
with all that tedious business of innocent until proved guilty:

  alfet (c.1000) a vat of boiling water into which the accused plunged his arm in lieu of a trial

  keelhaul (1626) to punish in the seamen’s way, by dragging the criminal under water on one side of the ship and up again on the other

  ride the stang (UK b.1828) to be carried on a pole through the town on men’s shoulders and pelted with refuse for the amusement of a hooting crowd (a derisive punishment for a breach of decorum or morality, especially on the part of a married man)

  corsned (Anglo-Saxon law c.1000) a trial by ordeal that required a suspect to eat a piece of barley bread and cheese to test his innocence (if guilty, it was believed the bread would cause convulsions and choking)

  whiffler (underworld slang 1859) a fellow who cries out in pain

  PETTIFOGGERS

  Undoubtedly the intervention of the legal profession does complicate matters, and sometimes completely unnecessarily:

  kilburn (police jargon) the offcial police notebook that is produced in court (rhyming slang: Kilburn Priory for diary)

  gunner (US slang) a law student who always needs to volunteer an answer to show off how smart he are

  ambulance-chaser (underworld slang 1897) a lawyer who attends scenes of accidents and hospitals to get business from the injured or bereaved, who are not in a position to resist

  dock asthma (police and prison jargon 1950s) gasps of (usually feigned) surprise and disbelief by prisoners in the dock