by MJ Knight
“I was thinking waffles, but sure.”
“Waffles are good too.” He tipped his head back under the shower spray and Julianne watched, awed by how beautiful he looked with the water sluicing down him, his hair dark and sleek as seal fur, his skin liquid gold in the warm light. She couldn’t help herself, she began to touch him, kiss him, stepping into the warm flow of water so that ran down both their faces as they kissed, wet kisses, tasting of city water curiously aphrodisiac.
Adrian went down on his knees in front of her. He coaxed her leg up, and drew it over his shoulder, then pressed his mouth to her pussy, tonguing the stirring bud and slick, tender lips.
Julianne gasped, lay back against the cool tile of the wall and drifted on the delicious sensations his tongue provoked. She came, sighing softly, aching with the sweetness of a gift no man had ever given to her.
She wet her lips with the shower spray and said, “I am going to fall down now.” Adrian held her as she slid downward, and cradled her in his arms until the water began to grow cool.
A second time, I love you, said the little voice in Julianne’s head. She acknowledged its truth but said nothing.
* * * *
After they were dry and dressed, Julianne made waffles, bacon and coffee.
“I’m impressed. These are good waffles.”
“They’re easy.”
“No they’re not,” he said, remembering Olivia’s single attempt. “Not at all. And certainly not this good.”
“I like to cook,” Julianne admitted. “It’s something of an outlet. A displacement, Dr. Lange calls it. Food, sex... you know.”
“So... if you start getting regular sex you’ll stop cooking?”
She shrugged. “Who knows?”
“That’s it, it’s over. We’re friends again.”
She laughed as she poured batter for another serving. “You goof. Aren’t you afraid I might get fat? Aren’t you afraid you’ll get fat?”
“Nuh-uh,” Adrian replied through a mouthful of waffle and bacon. “Anyway...” he swallowed and smiled happily. “Anyway, can’t we be happy and fat as easily as happy and thin? Will you still love me when I weigh five hundred pounds?”
She tingled a little, but kept it light. “Of course! But will you still love me when I weigh five hundred pounds?”
“More of you to love, Julie. I’d love you if...” He gave it some thought while chewing on a slice of bacon. “If you were an emu.”
“An emu?”
“Yeah, ungainly birds. Hilarious though.”
“Well, I’d love you if you were a Gila monster.”
Adrian nodded sagely. “That’s real, that is. It’s true love. Is the waffle done yet?”
The talk of love veered sharply off to less troubling topics as they finished their breakfast, and Julianne was grateful. She wasn’t sure if Adrian was joking or if it was a way of saying something that might be a bit precipitous. In fact, Julianne wasn’t sure if she was joking or not in spite of that persistent little voice that insisted she wasn’t.
She discovered that when things moved this fast, she felt unsteady. Perhaps that was normal, perhaps not. It was awful never being sure what her reactions meant.
Dr. Lange’s Diary
Adrian was uncharacteristically quiet today. We spoke briefly about his mother by his choice, but then he stopped talking entirely and stared out the window for a number of minutes. This is not unusual for patients who have something to say but who are unable to find the right way to express those thoughts, but it’s rare for Adrian to be at a loss for words. Finally I asked him if something had happened.
“How do you mean?” he asked me and I told him that I didn’t often see him so quiet.
“You mean I usually talk too much?”
“That’s not what I said,” I told him and he grinned.
“Doc, you need to lighten up. Joke.”
I told him that I understood that, but that he was paying me to listen, not just to sit and play tic-tac-toe while he looked out the window.
“Is that what you do? I always wondered.”
“Adrian, is there something you need to say to me?”
“There’s a lot I need to say to you, I expect. Today, nothing say-able comes to mind.”
“This is about Julianne, isn’t it?”
“Peripherally, I expect it is.”
“Can you talk about what’s not on the periphery?”
He sat down and began to talk about Olivia, but I had the sense that there was something else he wanted to say, something that was bothering him.
It wasn’t until Julianne’s session that I realized what it was. She told me that she felt she had knocked down one of the biggest obstacles to her mental health. When asked what that obstacle had been, she replied, “I’ve begun an affair, and while the intimacy sometimes makes me falter, I have had no panic attacks, no flashbacks, no resurgence of the phobia at all.”
“What about second thoughts?” I asked because I was concerned. This was a huge step for her. The last time she’d done it, she’d gone into an emotional and mental tailspin that devoured several years of her young life.
“You know I’d be lying if I said I had none.” She went on to tell me that she felt that things were moving faster than she’d expected, but that she wasn’t unhappy about it, just worried that she might not be able to maintain her balance.
“Are you able to slow things down?” I asked, aware of how very difficult she and Adrian had just made my life. It was impossible not to reference him if only in the abstract. I was walking on the edge and it made me wonder if I’d done the right thing in not sending one of them to a different therapist.
“The thing is, I don’t want to,” she told me. “I’m trying to put a lid on my own emotions but at the same time, I can’t seem to get enough of him.”
“Do you mean sexually?” I asked her, aware of how hard it was to be neutral about things like this when you knew the other person.
“In every way. I love being with him, talking to him, watching movies with him, listening to music with him. Everything is so wonderful, and it’s all new to me. I’m worried that I don’t really feel this emotion. I worry that it’s the change in me that I love, not him.”
She was talking about love and it made me very uneasy.
Chapter Nineteen
Julianne met Adrian at the coffee house after her session. They kissed before she slid into the booth opposite him. “How did it go?” he asked.
“Fine. Yours?”
Adrian shrugged. “I’m not sure. I think I wasted the hour.”
“What d’you mean? Brewed coffee, please,” she said to the waitress, “and whatever pastry looks good.”
“Make that two pastries,” Adrian said. “And a refill?”
“Sorry. So tell me what the problem was.”
“I couldn’t talk to her.”
“Because of us?”
“I don’t know. It’s not important.”
“You sure?” She laid a hand on his hand, and he smiled down at it.
“I love it that you just reach out to me like that,” he said, turning his hand over and catching hold of hers.
“So do I.” She gave his hand a squeeze and he returned it.
The waitress returned with their orders. “Newlyweds, huh?” she asked with a playful smile. “Like them over there.” She nodded in the direction of an elderly couple a few tables away. They were holding hands as they drank their coffee and ate cookies off a plate that sat between them. “They’re so cute. They come in here all the time and they always hold hands like that. We call them “the newlyweds” which is why I said that to you. Hope you don’t mind.”
“No, that’s sweet.”
Adrian could see the longing on Julianne’s face and for a moment he felt a vague sense of panic. He wasn’t ready for this, not for marriage, a lifetime commitment to anyone much less someone with as many issues as Julie had.
And then he felt ashamed. If she
could love him with all his flaws, why wouldn’t he be able to love her? He squeezed her hand again. “Not yet, but you never know,” he said to the waitress.
Chapter Twenty
When they had been together for nearly a month with no problems either between them or in her own mind, Julianne planned a little celebration in honor of the event. It was all so wonderful, and at the same time difficult for her to believe that an entire month of the most amazing intimacy had gone by without nightmares or panic attacks.
It was true that she still disliked and avoided crowds, public transportation and other situations in which she might get jostled by random men, but on the whole Julianne felt that she’d put the monster back in his closet. He’d always be there, but she wasn’t so afraid of him anymore. She knew she could control him if she gave herself the chance.
That, and the happiest month of her life both deserved some kind of recognition, so Julianne had planned dinner and dancing at the place where they’d had their first date. She’d also bought the DVDs of several of Adrian’s favorite films and put together a treasure hunt with a map and a list of clues for the places the DVDs were hidden and which films they were, all in short, funny poems and illustrated with little cartoons of Adrian hunting for the treasure with bloodhounds, or a magnifying glass. The final spot on the map had a treasure chest with a cartoon of Julianne sitting on it, looking alluring. When they finished watching the movies they could celebrate their first month anniversary in bed.
She decided to take the map and clue sheet down to Adrian’s office. She’d been there once, before a date, so it wasn’t a big deal for her; she felt comfortable with the idea of being in the office suite. She had gotten a pirate hat and eye patch from a costume shop, and she put it on once she got to off the elevator on Adrian’s floor. The receptionist laughed and waved her back.
As she walked down the corridor towards Adrian’s office she heard raised voices and saw that the people outside his office had uncomfortable expressions on their faces. And then she heard the woman’s voice.
“You don’t love me. You’ve never loved me!”
Adrian’s voice, more low, but still discernible, “Liv, I’ve told you that regularly for years. Why are you acting surprised now?”
“After all I’ve done for you, too. I got you the Pangborn job!”
“And I appreciate it, but will you please lower your voice?”
Instead of lowering it, she raised it. “You’re an ordinary whore, aren’t you? You just fuck for higher stakes.”
Julianne didn’t hear a reply, but after a few seconds there was a sharp crack of flesh on flesh. Then the door flew open and a woman stalked out.
Adrian followed her, caught sight of Julianne and stopped short. “Oh god...” He looked around at his co-workers and said, “I truly apologize for that scene. It won’t happen again.” He reached out towards Julianne as if he was about to grab her by the arm, then stopped and said, “Come in, please.” As he turned she could see the bright imprint of the woman’s hand on his cheek.
She followed him into his office, aware of how ridiculous she looked in her hat and eye patch. She pulled them off and put them in her bag. “I’m sorry to have intruded.”
“You didn’t. Look, clearly this is something we need to talk about, but I don’t want to do it here and now. I don’t want another woman yelling at me in my office,” he said with a humorless smile. “Why are you here?” He sounded less than welcoming. It was not the reception that Julianne had hoped for, but she understood why he was upset. Instead of telling him her real reason for being there, she said, “I was out shopping.”
“As a pirate?”
“Just me being silly. I was in the mood for a pirate movie and... never mind, it was just foolishness.”
He seemed to relax a little. “It was a cute idea.”
“Yeah. I should go.”
He bent to kiss her but she turned her head. “Not right now,’ she murmured, and escaped the office.
Once outside, Julianne dumped the pirate gear, map and clues into a garbage bin, hailed a cab and went home. She canceled their dinner reservation and tried to decide if she wanted to cancel the entire evening. But they had to talk about this, didn’t they? It wasn’t as if they could just go on as if nothing had happened. And then a little voice said Do you really want it to go on? This is your chance to be done with it. You have nothing else to prove.
She knew the voice. Her monster knew he couldn’t frighten her any longer, so he’d changed his tone. Now he was her friend, her concerned friend who just wanted the best for her. Adrian couldn’t be trusted, he said. Forget about him, he said. There are plenty of other fish in this particular sea.
“Shut up!” she said. “You’re not going to trick me again.”
She wasn’t going to let go this easily. At the very least she wanted an explanation. She deserved one. Nothing Adrian could tell her could be worse than her monster telling her that she didn’t need Adrian, that he’d been a convenience to help her through a rough patch. That Adrian was expendable. Because behind that thought was another that chilled her: Come back to me. You know where you stand with me. We need each other.
Adrian texted her about five. Are we still having dinner together?
Yes, she replied. I have to know what’s going on at the very least.
Fair enough. See you in an hour.
Chapter Twenty-one
He was ashamed and angry, and he wasn’t sure which was worse. One thing he knew for sure was that it was beyond over with Olivia. He hoped she understood that though, since she didn’t seem to have the sense to know how inappropriate it was for her to make a scene in his workplace. Knowing Olivia she had no clue that she had irrevocably severed the last ties between them.
He’d apologized to his boss who’d been very unhappy about the situation, and he was prepared to grovel at Julianne’s feet because if anyone deserved his most abject apologies it was her.
How had he let this happen? He hadn’t seen Olivia since the week after he and Julianne had become lovers, but he’d spoken to her on the phone a number of times. He should have been more honest, should have told her flat out that it was over, that he was seeing someone else, that she had to stop calling him. I should have stopped calling her. Why didn’t I stop calling her? he asked himself. He liked to think it was pity, but he knew better.
He should have told Julianne. Right up front, he should have said, “I’ve been seeing someone, it’s over now, but you should know.” He just hadn’t wanted to shake things up so quickly with a confession like that. He didn’t know how well she’d take it.
Life had pretty much taken that choice away from him. It was probably for the best, though he wasn’t sure how much Julianne had heard or what she thought was going on.
When he arrived at her place she was... not cool, but certainly she wasn’t her usual warm self. She looked almost sad when she saw him.
“C’mon in. Want a drink?”
“Will I need one?” he asked.
“I just want to talk. I need to understand.”
“Okay then,” he said. “Clear head.”
Julianne sat down on her couch, her legs folded beneath her. “Who is she?”
“Her name is Olivia and she and I have been having casual sex for several years.”
“Casual sex?”
Adrian shrugged. “Just sex, nothing more.”
“It sounded like more to her.”
“I never once lied to her,” he said, feeling vaguely defensive. “I have told her repeatedly that there was nothing between us.”
“Except the sex.”
He didn’t answer right away because he realized that he was feeling guilty for something that wasn’t wrong. Finally he said, “I love you Julie, but you don’t get to make me feel bad for getting something I needed.”
“Now you’ve got me for that.”
He shook his head. “No, there were other things, things I’ve been trying to work out with
Dr. Lange. Look, I’m sorry I never told you about Liv, and I’m really sorry you found out like that, but I’m not going to apologize for my relationship with her, not even to you.”
“Are you still seeing her?”
“No. But I can’t seem make her understand that.” He didn’t think telling her about the phone calls was a good idea.
“So she does something for you that I can’t?”
He was starting to be annoyed with her. “Do you want to fight about this? Because honestly I’m not up for it tonight. I’ve had my share of fighting for today.”
“I’m trying to understand.”
“It’s sounds like you’re trying to make me say something that’s going to hurt you. Julie, apart from the fact that I never mentioned her to you, there is nothing about my relationship with her that is likely to hurt you.” He didn’t mention the last time he slept with Liv, a few days after he and Julie had first slept together. She didn’t need to know about that.
“What is it she does for you? I don’t get it, what is it you need from her?”
“My relationship with Olivia isn’t about you. Stop trying to make it be about you.”
Julianne looked like she was on the verge of tears, and he softened. He held out his hand to her and after a few seconds she took it and held on. “One day I’ll tell you the long, unpleasant story of that part of my life, but it’s not one I think you need to hear right now, okay? Just understand that without that part of my life, you and I might not have happened.”
Her breath was ragged as she shook her head. “I want to believe you...”
“Then believe.”
“There’s this whole other part of your life that I know nothing about. There’s a woman who feels she has the right to barge into your office and dress you down for... what? Why was she there?”
“Because I’ve been trying to break it off with her. Liv is... She doesn’t want to understand.”