by MJ Knight
“Unbalanced?” Julianne asked with a touch of cynicism.
“No. Privileged. She has money and she always gets what she wants.”
“Oh. That accounts for her closing volley.”
He remembered the accusation and flushed crimson. “Yeah.”
“Is that what she gave you that I can’t?’
At which point Adrian lost his temper. “You really want me to say that it is, don’t you? You want me to come up with some bullshit reason why I stuck with her so you can feel... what? I don’t know what it is that you want to feel about this, but clearly you want one of us to feel bad. Me? Do you want me to grovel? I’m not going to do it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but that’s the end of it.”
“Don’t shout at me!”
“Why? Because you’re so fucking fragile even getting told off is going to throw you into a tailspin?”
“No! Because I don’t like it!”
That stopped him cold and made him laugh. “Point taken. Look, I really don’t know what you want, Julie. It’s over with me and Liv. I love you. I may choose not to tell you certain things, but I don’t lie to you. If that’s not good enough, then I’m not good enough.”
Julie looked away. “I don’t honestly know what I want. I’m so off balance right now. Would you mind if I asked you to leave? I want to think about what you’ve told me.”
Adrian wasn’t happy about it, but he knew that he couldn’t argue this point with her. He had to give her some time. “Okay, I understand. Call me when you want to talk more. And I’m sorry about the fragile crack. That was uncalled for.”
“It barely registered, to be honest.”
“Well that’s something anyhow. G’night, Julie.” He didn’t try to kiss her, he just walked out the door and hoped he wasn’t also just walking out of her life.
Chapter Twenty-two
You did the right thing, he whispered to her as she lay in bed. You didn’t need him. Sooner or later he’d stop being a nice guy and then you know what will happen, don’t you? He’ll take what he wants from you. He’ll hurt you.
The monster’s voice was something familiar in an unfamiliar situation. She heard it, she listened. She felt sick.
Think about how he used Olivia. He admitted it, didn’t he? She had something he wanted so he took it. She sounded desperate, didn’t she? He did that to her. He’ll do it to you, too. He said he loves you but he doesn’t know what love is or he’d have treated Olivia better.
Julianne hated that the voice sometimes made sense. There was nothing she could say, no way to banish it. The monster’s voice was too loud, and her own was barely a whisper that night. It went on talking and talking until she cried herself to sleep.
Julianne realized that she couldn’t talk to Dr. Lange about what had happened, so she canceled her appointment for that afternoon. She also didn’t want to run into Adrian in the office so staying away for a while seemed to make sense.
Instead, Julianne decided to go see a movie. She hadn’t been inside a movie theater in years, but she didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t manage it. It would be a good thing to get out of the house and forget her troubles for a few hours. There was a theater close to her house and it had a matinee of a film she’d wanted to see, so she walked over in the early afternoon, bought her ticket and a bucket of popcorn, and went into the cool, dark cavern.
There were maybe ten people in the theater when the movie started, spread all around the theater. About fifteen minutes into the film a man came into the theater, down Julianne’s row and sat two seats away from her. It made her a little uncomfortable, but since she was in the front row of the upper tier of seats, and smack in the middle of the row—the best seat in her opinion—it didn’t surprise her that someone else might want the same view. But in less than five minutes, he had moved to the seat beside hers.
Julianne got up and moved to the end of the row, determined not to be chased out of the theater by some jerk who thought it would be a good place to pick up women.
A few minutes later he came and sat beside her again. But this time, he didn’t just sit. He reached out and ran his hand up her thigh.
Julianne snapped. Something went a little haywire in her head and she elbowed him hard, then turned and slapped his face. “Get away from me!” she shouted.
“Fuck you, bitch,” he said and reached out to try to grab her breast.
But she was on her feet before he could touch her and she began to hit him as hard as she could, punching him in the head, the face, the shoulders, punching him with both hands, and screaming wordlessly as she struck blow after blow until she had him curled up in the seat, head down and arms thrown over it.
The ushers came and pulled her off of him.
“What the hell is going on?” This one looked like the manager. Julianne figured he wasn’t going to be particularly sympathetic so she braced herself.
“Fuckin’ bitch just started beatin’ on me!” the guy said. “She’s crazy! I’m just trying to watch the movie here.”
As if on cue, the film stopped and the lights came up.
“He’s... a masher!” she said, using the word her grandmother used to use. It was the only thing she could think of at that moment and it lent an incongruously quaint quality to the situation. “He put his hands on me. Nobody puts hands on me unless I say so.”
“Look, Miss, I don’t know what it is with you and your boyfriend here—”
“He’s a total stranger. He moved next to me and started touching me.” She saw the manager roll his eyes and was about to tell him off when a middle-aged couple came down the steps and said, “She’s telling the truth. We saw it all.”
The manager’s attitude changed dramatically. “Okay. Lady you want to press charges?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’d better figure it out fast,” he said, and the woman said, “Don’t you snap at her. You don’t know what this is like.” Julianne had the sense that the woman knew what it was like.
“Can’t a guy have a little fun without everyone getting all crazy?” the masher said, and with that the manager barked, “That’s it. You’re out of here. You ever come back to this theater and I’m calling the cops. Get him out of here.”
He didn’t look at Julianne again, but she muttered something about a complimentary ticket which she ignored.
The couple introduced themselves as Paul and Carrie, and the woman said, “Why don’t you come and sit with us? Nobody else will bother you, I promise.”
Julianne didn’t want to leave the theater while there was a chance the masher would be waiting for her, so she accepted their offer of protection. She sat on the aisle, next to Carrie, just to be sure.
When the movie ended, Carrie gave their contact information to Julianne. “Just in case. Do you need a ride home?”
She was both ridiculously grateful, and a little cautious. You just never knew. “No, I’m fine. I doubt he’ll waste more time on me.”
“Honestly, the way you stood up to him, I doubt he’ll ever want to see your face again,” Paul quipped. “That was pretty impressive. You have a great right hook there.” It made her laugh.
“Thank you both again. It was kind of you to speak up like that.”
“It’s hard enough being a woman without having some guy who thinks he’s God’s gift to women trying... well you know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“Take care, then.” They walked off arm-in-arm.
Julianne made her way home without incident, and once safely in her apartment, she was able to relax a little. The events of that afternoon had produced a welter of emotions. Anger, of course, but also surprise at her own assertiveness. She’d refused to be taken advantage of, refused to be cowed by a man’s unwanted touches. She’d stood up for herself. It was true that she’d been a little disconnected from what she’d said and done. Her anger had taken over, and certainly some of it was displaced anger that she’d never had the chance to express with
her uncle.
She was annoyed that the theater manager hadn’t taken her seriously, that he’d needed Paul and Carrie to speak up before he was willing to believe that the incident wasn’t her fault, that she wasn’t simply some crazy lady. She was also annoyed at herself for not pressing charges, but more than that, she was upset that she chose not to do it out of fear of what the abuser might do to her. She hated that she had to think that way.
And underneath all of it was sadness. She had watched Paul and Carrie together and saw what she had wanted to have with Adrian. There was an intimate understanding between them. They laughed at the same things, held hands, walked arm-in-arm. They were together. She had wanted that with Adrian, wanted it so much. And now? She wasn’t sure she would ever have it.
She’d been such a fool. Instead of listening to her monster who had always lied to her, she should have told Adrian the truth, that she needed time to understand what he’d told her. She needed time to get over her anger and confusion. And now it was probably much too late to say those things to him.
The monster laughed softly inside her head and said, “You’re better off alone, pet. You’re no good at all with real people.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Adrian canceled his appointment with Dr. Lange, thinking ruefully that he’d made a devil’s bargain with her in agreeing not to talk about Julianne in exchange for being able to stay with Lange. If he couldn’t discuss what had happened between himself and Julie, there was no point in talking at all.
He stayed at work until almost seven. As he was leaving Olivia called.
“Where are you?”
She took him aback so completely that he was speechless for a few moments. “What d’you mean where am I? What are you talking about?”
“Aren’t you coming over?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You’re joking, right?” he asked.
“I was expecting you.”
He sighed. “All right. I’ll stop by in about half an hour.” There were things that needed saying.
He arrived at Olivia’s apartment about seven-thirty. She greeted him at the door wearing only a towel which she immediately dropped.
Adrian picked it up and handed it to her. “If you want to be naked while we talk, that’s your business. I’d prefer you weren’t, but it doesn’t really matter.”
She wrapped the towel around herself. “Would you like a drink?”
“No. Come and sit down, will you?”
“Let’s sit in the bedroom.”
“Let’s sit out here. C’mon, Liv.” He took her hand and led her to the couch, but she refused to sit down. “Liv, this isn’t a good way to be.”
“You’ve come here to hurt me.”
“No. No, I don’t want to do that anymore. Please sit?”
She sank down beside him and tried to touch him, but he caught hold of her hands and held them in his own.
“I have hurt you too much already. Some of the things I’ve said to you make me ashamed. It’s true I don’t love you, but it’s also true you don’t love me.”
She didn’t deny it, but it was clear that she wasn’t happy to hear it. She turned away from him and he saw the glisten of tears in her eyes.
“You are a remarkable woman. I don’t know that I’ve ever appreciated you enough, but I did want you to understand that I know how remarkable you truly are. You’re strong and you’re not afraid to show the world who you are. That’s an amazing quality. Too many of us hide behind masks we’ve created.”
“I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re hiding behind a mask.”
“I have done in the past. It’s easier than being who you are. But there are a lot of other things going on inside my head, things I’ve never talked about because I didn’t want them to intrude on what you and I had.”
“Had,” she repeated.
He nodded. “We don’t have it anymore.”
“We could. Oh Adrian, we could. I make you happy. You know I do.” She tried to touch him, to draw him back physically, but he held her at arm’s length.
“Liv, don’t you want to find someone who appreciates you for your own sake?”
It was clear she didn’t know what to say to that.
“I wish you could find a man who would be more to you than someone who comes by once or twice a week for sex. But while you’re with me, you won’t make that effort.”
Her face went hard. No more tears. “Oh I see, you’re doing me a favor by cutting me loose, right? Well forget it. It’s over when I say it’s over.”
“It’s over whether you say it or not. I can’t stay. I won’t. It’s not right for either of us whether you know it or not.”
“You’re seeing someone else,” she said. It was probably just a guess on her part, something to make her feel a little better about herself.
“Yes, I am, but that’s not the reason I’m leaving. I’ve been unfair to both of us by staying past the point where there’s anything more than a convenient fuck between us.”
“Is she richer than I am? We both know you’re a whore, so she must be rolling dough.”
“She’s not. It’s just...” he sighed. “I love her.”
Of all the things he could have said to her, of all the things he had ever said to her, it was clearly the most hurtful because Olivia’s eyes filled with tears again, and this time they spilled down her cheeks. They were tears of rage.
“You shit, you fuck, get out of my house!” she screamed. Now she was trying to come at him with her fingernails and he was glad he had hold of her wrists.
“Liv, I’m sorry. Just stop now!”
“Get out, get out, get out!” she screamed at him. Her fists were clenched and her face was crimson with anger and wet with tears.
He released her and got up quickly hoping to avoid any violent contact. She caught hold of his hand. “If you walk out on me I will kill myself,” she told him. “You know I’ll do it. I will shoot myself. I have a gun. You know I have a gun.”
“Liv...”
“I bought it the first time you threatened to leave me. I can’t live without you, Adrian. I will kill myself and it’ll be your doing.”
He knelt beside the couch and cradled her face in his hands. “You’re not going to do that. You know what a waste it would be.”
“It will be your fault!” she insisted.
“No.” He shook his head sadly. “No one makes that decision because of someone else, Liv. You know that. Believe me, if I could love you, I would. You’ve been good to me. I think you’re a wonderful woman, but we’re too different. Please take this opportunity to find some real happiness?”
By way of an answer she slapped his face.
Without a word, he got up and left her apartment. As he walked down the hallway, he could hear her smashing things.
Adrian wasn’t sure how he felt about his interview with Olivia. He’d done what he meant to do, made it clear that the affair was over. But there was something oddly unfinished about the situation. It was probably the suicide threat. He had told her many times that he didn’t care if she killed herself, but that wasn’t exactly true. He understood that what he’d said to her, that no one could make the decision to commit suicide for anyone else, was true, but he didn’t feel it. There was already guilt gnawing at him. If she did kill herself, he wasn’t sure he would be able to handle it.
He went home and phoned Julianne.
“I’m not sure you wanted to hear from me, but I needed to call and tell you something.”
“I’m glad you called.”
“You are?” He was surprised.
“I miss you, Adrian. I don’t want to share you, but if I have to—”
“You don’t. I’ve just come from Olivia’s place. We’re over. She understands now.”
There was a long silence on Julianne’s end. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you love me?” he asked. “Because I love you.”
&
nbsp; “I do. I love you.”
“I’ve missed you. It’s only been a few days but I’ve missed talking to you, I’ve missed seeing your beautiful face. I’ve missed the feel of you curled up beside me on the couch while we watch movies, or in bed while I watch you sleep.”
“I’ve missed the sound of your voice,” she said, “and the way you laugh, the way you look at me. There’s nothing in my life more important than you are, Adrian.”
Adrian was relieved. “I was so afraid I’d lost you.”
“I just needed some time. I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t say that. I don’t know why I said those horrible things.”
“We all say horrible things when we’re feeling bad, Julie. I’ve done it, too. I’m not proud of it, but it’s a human trait. You can let yourself be human, you know.”
“I don’t feel human. I feel like a monster.”
“No, you’re no monster.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“When can we see each other?”
“Well... I canceled my appointment for tomorrow.”
She laughed. “So did I!”
“We can play hooky together. Why don’t we go downtown and sit in the park? Or to the zoo? Or go for a drive? How about meeting me at my office about two and we’ll take a drive up the lakeshore, have dinner someplace nice, spend the weekend together.”
It sounds perfect,” she said. “Just perfect.”
They talked for another hour or so, then Adrian begged off. “If I don’t sleep I won’t get any work done tomorrow. See you about two?”
“With the proverbial bells on,” Julianne promised.
“Yeah that really is disturbing.” They both laughed.
“I love you so much,” she said again.
“I love you more.”
“No, I love you more.”
“Okay it’s a tie.”
They said good night, and Adrian lay back on his bed and smiled up at the ceiling. He’d made something right. Finally he’d made it all right.
Chapter Twenty-four