by MJ Knight
Friday was the longest day Adrian had ever spent at work. He was ridiculously excited over seeing Julianne again, and had played out a weekend in his mind where by Sunday he felt comfortable enough with where they were in their relationship to propose to her. He knew he wouldn’t, of course, it was much too early in their relationship to think of marriage even if they planned a long engagement. But all the same, he had a lovely daydream of a quiet wedding, and a honeymoon in France, walking hand-in-hand on the Riviera, drinking wine in a sidewalk cafe, making love in a hotel with a view of the Eiffel Tower. He wanted to give Julie the world, and he wanted to be with her as she experienced it.
He wondered if he could suggest a pre-engagement, and played out that scene in his mind, too.
I’d like to propose that we be pre-engaged, he’d say. That is, we keep on going out together and if it stays this good, then in a few months we can become engaged.
Where’s the ring? Julianne would say. The idea made him laugh out loud.
Well, since this isn’t an engagement, just a pre-engagement—
You pre-engage with a girl, you get her a pre-engagement ring.
What on earth would a pre-engagement ring look like? he wondered. Maybe something out of a gumball machine?
He had never felt this way before, not even about Carolyn. He knew now that what he felt for his teacher had been love, though not love in the sense that he was in love with Julianne. It had been gratitude, an awakening sexuality, and a desperate need to be loved by someone. What he felt for Julie was about giving as well as receiving. There was an enormity to it that awed him. Love was so much bigger than he’d ever imagined. Love wasn’t just about him. He stored that idea away in his mental file of things to discuss with Dr. Lange. He wondered if she’d be pleased.
The only shadow over his day was Olivia. She phoned every hour on the hour from eight to noon. He sent her calls through to voice mail and deleted the messages unheard. Even though he had told her that suicide was her own decision, the thought that she might hurt herself to try to prove something to him was upsetting. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to her, but he couldn’t spend his life with a woman he didn’t love and he certainly couldn’t police her actions. He knew he’d have to talk to Dr. Lange about this eventually, but at that moment, he wasn’t ready to give up his plans for the day.
If Olivia had any family that he knew of, he’d phone and alert them to her situation. It would be the right thing to do. But as far as he knew she was as alone in the world as he was, and the thought made him a little melancholy. He wished there was something he could do for her; he’d already done enough to her.
He was finishing up a design when the receptionist buzzed him.
“There’s a woman on her way to your office,” she said just as Olivia banged in.
“You are not going to walk away from me,” she told him, and pulled her gun out of her bag.
He went cold inside, but tried not to show it. He didn’t really think she was going to kill herself in his office. “Liv, come on. Please? You don’t want to do this. Please, I’m not worth hurting yourself over. There’s so much more in your life than what we had together. I’m not worth it.”
“No, but you are worth hurting,” she said and fired a single shot.
The sensation was like fire. Adrian looked down to see a crimson stain spreading across his shirt. “You shot me,” he said as he pressed his hand to his abdomen and fell back into his chair. “Liv.”
“I will see you in Hell, you son-of-a-bitch,” she said, and before he could react, she had put the gun into her mouth and fired one more shot.
The world slowed down to a crawl. He saw Liv fall to the floor, but it was so slow, so very slow. The sound of her hitting his office floor seemed very far away as did the sound of voices shouting. They were shouting his name, shouting for Security. Why was everyone fussing so? He’d been shot, but the pain had stopped rather abruptly.
Poor Liv. He hoped she’d be okay. “Could we get someone in here?” he asked, but there was no one else in the room. Only himself and Olivia. “Liv?” he said again just as the Security guard burst into the room. “She shot herself,” he said, rather unnecessarily since the blood was running through his fingers. “And me. It doesn’t hurt anymore though. Is she okay?” he asked.
“Call 911, the guard shouted from far, far away.
Dr. Lange’s Diary
Both Julianne and Adrian have canceled their appointments for today. I assume they’re spending the day together. The doctor in me thinks that their afternoons would be more productively spent in my office, but I can’t help but think that perhaps this is something that they both need.
Certainly Julianne has come a long way. Seeing her embracing her sexuality is a wonderful thing. It’s a victory for her. I was genuinely worried that she was pushing herself too hard, but I seem to have been mistaken about what she was capable of accomplishing.
I can’t downplay the importance of this change for Adrian either. His relationship with Julianne is so very different from any of the others he’s described to me. I can hear it in his voice, I see it in his eyes. He’s happier, calmer, less confrontational. I’m not sure that he understands how his feelings for her have changed him, but I think he already feels it. I wish I could discuss this with him, but of course I have to abide by my own rules.
I honestly wish them all the luck in the world. There’s something foolishly romantic about the notion of two damaged souls finding healing in each other.
Chapter Twenty-five
Julianne arrived at Adrian’s office building just in time to see paramedics racing in. She thought she heard one of the people on the sidewalk say “heart attack” and assumed that some elderly person had been overcome. It made her sad to think of someone all alone and deathly ill in such an impersonal place, particularly when she was so happy and it was such a beautiful day.
The people in the lobby were gathered in groups all talking in hushed tones, but Julianne caught the words “dead” and “murder,” then “gun” and “suicide.”
Had someone committed suicide? That made her feel even sadder. She’d been close to killing herself in the past and knew what sort of desperation someone had to feel in order to take their own life. She wished whoever it was a better future in whatever afterlife they found.
A policeman stopped her at the elevator bank on Adrian’s floor. “Miss, do you have business here?”
So it was someone on this floor? She began to feel a bit uneasy. “I’m here to see my boyfriend.”
“Who would that be?”
“Adrian Castle.”
“One second, Miss.” He walked away from her and spoke to someone via radio. When he returned, he said, “Go on in, Miss.” He looked grim. Something very bad had happened here.
There were police everywhere and Julianne began to worry. Had it been more than just a suicide? It wasn’t Adrian, she knew that for sure. He’d been so happy when they’d spoken the previous evening, and he wasn’t the suicide type anyway. Besides, she was sure she’d have felt it, felt him leaving the world. She had a peculiar sense that they were so linked that she would know if he was gone. At least that’s what she told herself. It was what she needed to believe at that moment.
She stopped at the desk and was about to ask a tearful receptionist what had happened, when a detective approached her, flashed his badge, introduced himself as Sergeant Marlowe, and asked if she would follow him.
“What’s going on?”
“You’re here to see Adrian Castle?” he asked.
“Yes. He’s my boyfriend.”
He led her into one of the conference rooms and chased everyone else out. “You need to sit down and talk to me for a few minutes.”
“I think you need to tell me what’s happening.” Julianne was starting to feel uneasy. “Really, what’s going on?” she demanded.
He reached out to take her by the arm, to propel her towards a chair, but she shoved him away.
“Don’t. Don’t,” she said feeling the panic rise. Her breathing was already becoming erratic, and her hands were shaking. She looked around for an escape route but the sergeant was between her and the door.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked. Suspicious.
Julianne knew that if she lost her rag at this point they’d probably arrest her. Maybe try to send her for psychiatric evaluation. She’d been there before. She shut her eyes and tried to think clearly, snapping her rubber band over and over. She focused on the sting of rubber striking the tender flesh of her inner wrist.
They absolutely wouldn’t tell her a thing if she didn’t calm down.
“Look, she said, putting a chair between herself and the Sergeant and raising her hands in a stop gesture. “I have a touch phobia. I’ll be happy to cooperate with you but you can’t touch me. I’m sorry. You took me by surprise just now when you tried to take my arm.”
She could see that look on his face, the boyfriend’s-not-getting-any-the-poor-bastard look that people got when they found out about her phobia. There was just no end to how tired she was of seeing that expression. Annoyance pushed most of the panic back where it belonged.
“All right, Miss, just calm down. I have some bad news for you. I’m afraid Mr. Castle has been shot.”
“Shot?” A rush of horror overwhelmed her, turning her legs watery and setting every nerve ending on fire. She grasped the edge of the conference table. “Is he alive? Please is he alive?”
“Yeah, he is. He’s with the paras now, and they’ll be taking him to the hospital as soon as they get him stabilized.”
“Stabilized?” It was sounding worse and worse. She slumped down into the chair. “How bad is it?” she begged.
“It’s a serious wound. Miss... I’m sorry, what’s your name?”
“Julianne Taylor. How bad is it?” she asked again, wanting details. She needed details, needed to know. Anxiety caught her by the throat, gnawed at her.
“Serious,” the Sergeant repeated. She had an irrational urge to slap his face. That would be a touch she’d relish.
“What happened? Was it a robbery?”
“No. A woman came into the office, shot him and then herself. I was hoping that you might be able to help shed some light on what happened here today.”
Just then she saw the paramedics rush by with the gurney and she jumped up. “I have to go with him.”
“They won’t take you. Look, Ms. Taylor, if you’ll just talk to me for a few minutes I promise I’ll get you to the hospital in good time. Just please sit down again and we’ll talk.”
Julianne was so wound up that she was almost vibrating. She felt as if she was going to jump out of her skin. “I’ll... All right, but I’m sorry, I can’t sit down.” She went over to the window and looked towards the street, but they were on the wrong side of the building. The ambulance was near the main entrance. She began to pace.
“From what I can gather from the other employees this woman—and nobody here seems to know her name—was here earlier in the week and there was a scene?”
“Oh, her. Yes, I know her, then,” Julianne told him. “Or at least I know a little bit about her. Her name is Olivia. I don’t know her last name. They were...” She didn’t know how to explain the relationship. Lovers was too intimate for what Adrian had told her about the affair, but she wasn’t about to say something like “fuck buddies.” “They were involved before I came on the scene, apparently. I only just found out about her the day she came here and fought with him.”
“What did they fight about?”
“I didn’t hear the whole thing; I arrived just before she walked out. Adrian told me it was because he’d broken it off with her. That’s what it sounded like too, from the little I heard of the argument.”
“Why were you here that day?”
“I’d just stopped by to see him. No particular reason.”
He looked unconvinced. “Did you take off work to come?”
No he was not going to imply that she knew something was going to happen! “I work from home and make my own hours. We’d been together a month and I wanted to stop by and tell him my plans for the evening. No, I couldn’t have phoned him,” she added, sensing that the question was about to be asked.
Marlowe raised an eyebrow and wrote a note. “I see. Had you ever met this Olivia before?”
“No, and I don’t think you can actually say I met her that day either. I heard some of what she said to him through his closed door, and then I saw her leave his office and storm off. That’s the extent of my contact with her. I doubt she even noticed me.”
“Couldn’t take no for an answer,” the Sergeant muttered as he made his notes.
Julianne said, “Which of us can?”
Without looking up from his notepad he said, “We don’t all go around trying to kill people because of it.”
“That’s true,” she admitted. She heard the siren blare and then grow fainter as the ambulance sped away. “Is that all? I’d like to get to the hospital.”
“For now. I might want to talk to you later. Let me get your contact information.”
She told him everything he wanted to know and then, true to his word, he sent her off to the hospital in the ambulance that was carrying Olivia’s body. “They’ll drop you on their way to the morgue. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course not,” she said, refusing to show any squeamishness. “Dead is dead. Thanks.”
She rode in the front with the driver who tried to make conversation with her. Finally she said, “I’m sorry I’m not chattier, but I’m worried about Adrian.”
“I get that, the woman said. “This isn’t easy for you. Look, if it’s any help, I saw his wound and it looked pretty clean. He was awake and talking, though he’d started to go into shock but the team that was with him is real good and I know they got him stabilized and out of there fast.”
Julianne wished there was more that the driver could tell her but she understood that to give her any sort of hope might make things worse. If Adrian... She took a deep, shaky breath. If Adrian were to die, it would be so much worse if the driver had told Julianne that he probably would be all right.
The ambulance dropped her off at the ER. Both paramedics wished her luck and sped off to deliver Olivia’s remains to the morgue. In anger, Julianne allowed herself to think, good riddance! It was uncharitable and she knew she’d feel guilty about it later, but she was angry. She wanted to hurt Olivia for what that woman had done to Adrian.
Once inside, she went to the desk and asked about Adrian. She was told he was being prepped for surgery. “Are you a relative?” the nurse at the desk asked her.
Julianne made a split second decision to lie, to do anything to be close to him during this ordeal. “Yes, I’m his cousin. We were supposed to be going on a road trip this afternoon, but when I got to his office—”
“I’m so sorry. Look, why don’t you sit down over there,” the nurse said nodding to the waiting area that was filled with people in various stages of distress, “and when I know more, I’ll let you know what’s going on. Or you could go to the cafeteria. It’s likely to be a while.”
“I’ll wait here.”
“Okay.”
Julianne took a seat in the waiting area. She was surprised at how crowded it was on a weekday afternoon. There was an elderly couple sitting close together, holding hands. The woman was holding her other hand against the side of her face and had her eyes closed. Her face was drawn and pale, but her husband was petting the hand he held and speaking softly to her and occasionally she nodded.
There was a young man with a bloody bandage wrapped around his lower leg, a sneezing, feverish-looking child curled up against his mother’s side, and half-a-dozen other sad-looking sufferers.
As the time wore on, more and more people arrived. They flowed in more quickly than those already waiting could be cared for, and Julianne ended up giving her seat to an old man who could barely wal
k. The woman who was with him, probably his daughter, thanked her. “He said he needed to come,” she confided. “If he wants to go to the hospital, I listen. He hates this place.”
“He’s not the only one,” Julianne told her.
Just then the admitting nurse beckoned to her. “He’s in surgery now. Go up to the waiting room on six. They know you’re here. Someone will come out and talk to you as soon as they patch him up.”
Julianne was glad to escape the ER and its pervasive atmosphere of anguish. The surgical waiting room was as empty as the ER waiting room had been full, so she took a seat in the corner that gave her a good view of the corridor and picked up a magazine. She couldn’t concentrate on it, but looking at the pictures and turning pages gave her something to do.
Another nurse stopped and asked her who she was waiting for.
“Oh, Castle, yes. If you’d like to go down to the cafeteria and get some dinner, feel free. It’s going to be a while.”
“Can you tell me what’s happening?”
“I’m sorry, I really can’t. But the doctor will fill you in just as soon as they’re finished. Go get something to eat. Hunger does funny things to your mind.”
Julianne understood. She put down her magazine and went down to the cafeteria.
It was surprisingly nice, not a depressing place at all, but bright and cheery with yellow walls, good lighting, and flowers on the tables.
She got a tuna salad sandwich, a bottle of water, and a bag of chips. On the way back to the waiting room she stopped at the gift shop and picked up a newspaper and a crossword puzzle digest. Doing puzzles would force her to concentrate.
She ate, then she read the paper, but the moment she put it down she realized that she had no idea what she’d just read. She added it to the stack of magazines and newspapers already littering the coffee table. Then she worked a few puzzles rather badly, gave it up and took out her sketch book. She did quick sketches of the people who passed through the area or sat down to wait. Finally she’d found something to occupy her mind. Art had come to her rescue yet again.