Jennifer's Triad

by Laura Anne Turner

  I wake up, strangely agitated. I’m still exhausted, but I can’t go back to sleep. I don’t know why, but I’ve had trouble sleeping ever since I joined ‘The Coldhearts’. I think about Emilia. I called her right after our gig ended to say good night. I miss her. I miss falling asleep with my arms around her.

  I don’t know why, but suddenly the sense of loneliness that I know so well overcomes me. Oh, I seem to have known this feeling my whole life. From the time when my Dad left our family, to the time when Emilia left me to go to England, and the time she left me over Christmas. Why me? Why is it always me?

  My loneliness and despair becomes stronger and stronger, my heart starts pounding, and I begin to sweat. I can’t think of trying to sleep anymore, but suddenly another thought strikes me. You’re not alone, your band mates are here under the same roof as you, and they’re becoming your friends, you’re almost family to them now…And I think about Nellie, who’s alone in her bedroom just across the hallway! If there were one soul under this roof I could turn to right now it’d be Nellie.

  Before I even know it, the soles of my bare feet touch the hardwood boards, as I get up out of bed. I take the little flashlight off the nightstand. It’s the one Nellie gave me in case I needed to get up at night and didn’t want to turn on the lights. I pad to the door of the guest bedroom, and opening it, I listen. The house is silent. I briefly wonder where Hildegard, the cat, is. Probably she’s found a place to sleep somewhere cozy and warm. A floorboard creaks as I steal my way to Nellie’s bedroom. I slowly and carefully open her door, and stop to listen again. I can hear her regular breathing. I hesitate for another short moment. Should I really do that? Do I really want to crawl into bed with Nellie? A strong inner voice says, yes, she’s the very reason why you’re here. You can’t stand to be alone tonight.

  I creep closer to Nellie’s bed, doing my best not to make a sound, but she must have heard my footfalls or the gentle rustling of my t-shirt.

  “Is that you, Jenny?” Nellie murmurs. Her soft and very sleepy voice tells me she must have been sound asleep.

  “Yes, it’s me,” I whisper in reply to her question. “I’m sorry, I can’t sleep, Nell.”

  “Get into bed, then, Jen. Let’s sleep. I’m very tired.” She lifts the comforter, and I slide into her bed. She pulls the comforter down over us, and turns her back to me. It’s cozy and warm under the quilt, and I feel the warmth emanating from her body. I tentatively put my arm around her waist, spooning her. With a gentle sigh she takes my hand, and pulls it closer around her waist. I hardly dare to breathe, as my breasts touch her back, but Nellie doesn’t seem to mind. A short while later her regular breathing tells me she’s drifted off again.

  Her mere presence seems to have a soothing effect on me. I feel warm and cozy. My feelings of loneliness and despair are gone, and despite of the weird situation I doze off into the land of dreams.

  +++

  Her warm breathing touches the sensitive skin of my neck. Her head is resting close to my shoulder, and her left leg covers my upper thigh. My sleepy brain registers where our bodies touch, making my body tingle. The wonderfully sweet morning feeling fades when I wake up with a start. Nellie’s body is too close! I should get up and run! But how could I do that? How could I push her away? Waking up with Nellie in my arms feels too good!

  I remember the previous night: my sleeplessness, my loneliness and despair, and my sneaking into Nellie’s bed. Moving my head sideways, my cheek touches the top of her head. She starts, lifts her head, and opens her eyes to look at me. For a long moment our gazes lock, my own green eyes meeting her brown eyes. The corners of her mouth move upwards, and she smiles at me, and her smile makes me feel as if I’m enveloped in sunshine. I can feel it in my stomach. Her eyes seem closer now, her left hand moves to the nape of my neck, and our lips meet for a soft and tender kiss. A shiver runs down my spine the moment I feel her soft lips on mine. My eyes flutter shut in anticipation of more to come.

  But then Nellie pulls away from me, and my eyes fly open. She gazes deeply into my eyes, checking my response. “Good morning, Jenny,” she says softly, “were you able to sleep after you got in bed with me?”

  “Yes, Nellie, I slept very, very well.” I can’t speak louder than a whisper.

  “I’m glad you did, and I slept like a cat myself. But why did you want to come to bed with me last night?”

  I sigh. “You know, there are times when I feel so utterly alone and desperate. That’s what happened last night. And I thought,” I clear my throat, “and I thought if there’s a soul under this roof who could help me, it would be you.”

  Nellie regards me for a long moment, finally nodding her head. “It might sound strange, but I somehow knew you’d come to me last night. That’s why I wasn’t really surprised when you actually showed up.”

  Her remark takes me so completely by surprise I’m unable to answer to it.

  “I had a feeling something was off with you after the gig last night,” Nellie continues. “I’m glad you were comfortable enough with me to come to me.” She sighs. “It’s so nice waking up with you. Emilia must be very happy.”

  Again, Nellie’s remark takes me off guard, and I can only blink my eyes and slightly nod my head. And then I suddenly realize what’s just happening. I’m lying in bed with another girl. I woke up with Nellie! We kissed. We shouldn’t have done that, should we? I shouldn’t be here in her bed, should I?

  Nellie seems to notice my confusion. She takes my hand and holds it. “What is it, Jenny? There’s no reason for you to feel guilty. We haven’t done anything wrong. We just slept in the same bed, that’s all. I know you’re with Emilia. I don’t want you to break up with her.” There’s a touch of sadness to her voice.

  Her attitude is so adorable. It makes me want her even more. “That’s so good of you, Nell. You’re so amazing,” I reply.

  She smiles sadly, while she’s still holding my hand. Her body is so close to mine, I feel the very places where our bodies touch. Pulling myself up on my elbow I lean towards her, and I kiss her tenderly on both cheeks, and on the tip of her nose. “Oh Nell, I don’t know what to do,” I blurt out finally.

  “Do about what?” When I can’t answer, she goes on. “Do you mean you don’t know what to do about the fact that you have feelings for me?”

  While I look just startled, she smiles and goes on. “Jenny, from the moment I saw you on stage on New Year’s Eve, I’ve been in love with you.”

  “You’re… you’re in love with me?” I can only stammer, my mouth is so very dry, and my heart is racing.

  “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed, silly,” Nellie laughs. “You’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen, Jen. Everything about you is amazing, your eyes, your hair, every part of your body…” She pauses to shake her head in wonder. “And you’re smart, too, and you know how to rock.”

  Her compliments go straight to my head, and some other places, too, and I start babbling. “And you’re smart, and amazing, and pretty, and the cutest drummer I’ve ever seen. And I love when you’re wearing your glasses. It gives you that sexy nerd look.”

  Nellie laughs incredulously. “You love it when I wear my glasses?”

  “Oh my God, yes! You should wear them onstage! We could all start calling you ‘Nerd Goddess Nellie’.”

  Nellie’s pretty face lights up, and she laughs until her eyes fill with tears. “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, and our eyes lock together, and I suddenly know we’re going to kiss again. Our lips meet, and the softness of her lips is amazing.

  This time it’s my turn to break the kiss. “We should stop right now. I don’t know what will happen next,” I whisper.

  “I do know what will happen next, Jenny,” Nellie says softly. Slowly she pulls away from me. “You’re so right, Jen, we’ve got to stop now.”

  Suddenly, Nellie sits up in bed, and takes a deep breath. After a moment’s silence she says,
“So! We’ve quite a dilemma! We love one another, and we want to be with one another, but we can’t, because you’re with someone else. Unless…have you ever heard of polyamory, Jenny?”

  “No, I haven’t, Nell,” I reply, thoroughly baffled. “What’s polyamory?”

  “I think I told you before I believe in the idea of having romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time, didn’t I?”

  “Yes, I remember.”

  “Well, that’s the basic idea of polyamory. It doesn’t mean having casual sex with lots of different people like Bette does. Polyamory’s not just about sex, Jenny, it’s about love, too. Now look at you. You more or less told me that you’ve fallen in love with me, but you still love Emilia, too. That’s right, isn’t it?”

  I nod, but my confusion increases.

  “Well, here you go. What I’m saying is, we could have a relationship while you still have one with Emilia. But we could only be together if Emilia knew about us, and only if Emilia accepted the fact that we were together, and if she was actually happy that we were together.”

  Nellie squeezes my hand. “I want you, Jenny, but I don’t want to hurt Emilia. And I don’t want you to hurt Emilia either. I want all of us to be happy, Emilia included.”

  “You’re trying to tell me we could have a relationship while I’m still together with Emilia?”

  “Yes, that’s the idea.” She giggles mischievously. “And to tell you the truth, I like Emilia, too! I mean, a lot.”

  “You want Emilia and me?” I am shocked. Partly because I remember wanting Emilia and Sherinia once in exactly the same way, even though I never admitted that to either of them.

  “If she wanted me too, yes. We’d be a real triad then.”

  “A triad?”

  “Yes, a triad is when all three people involved are lovers with one another. You and me, you and Emilia, and Emilia and me, and all of us together.”

  I stare at her wide-eyed. “I’ve heard about threesomes, yes, and actually I had one with two guys, but that’s just about sex. I’ve never heard of such a thing as a triad, however.” I shake my head.

  Nellie smiles. “None of us can know everything. I told you about my girlfriend, right? I mean, we don’t see one another in person very often any more, but we still love one another. And that wouldn’t change if I were together with you and Emilia.”

  I nod, even though it’s a lot for me to take in. “And if Emilia doesn’t agree, Nellie?”

  She regards me calmly. “First, let’s see if she agrees. Let’s not try to think beyond that right now, okay, Sweetheart?”

  “Okay. Not thinking too much sounds good to me right now.” My head is spinning. It’s still early in the morning, and that’s really hard stuff for me.

  “It’s about being happy when the people you love are happy. That’s how I feel, Jenny.” Nellie strokes my cheek tenderly, gazing deeply into my eyes. “I’d be very, very happy, if you were happy. There’s a name for that feeling. It’s called compersion.”

  “How do you know all that?” I ask, still incredulous. I’m a little surprised that I can think of the question, since I’m lost in Nellie’s molten dark chocolate eyes.

  “Partly from reading about Polyamory. But then, too, I was once part of a Triad. I had a romantic relationship with two girls at the same time before,” Nellie says wistfully. “My long-distance girlfriend Josepha is one of them. For a while it was wonderful, but then the whole thing fell apart.” Nellie stares at some point in the corner of her room, as her mind seems to wander off. “In the end Josepha moved to another city, where she found a new job…and a new girlfriend.”

  “I’m sorry, Nell.”

  She smiles and runs her hand through my hair, gently stroking it. Her mind is on me again. “Don’t be, Jenny, it’s okay. I’m over it, and I still have Josepha, even though I hardly ever see her anymore.”

  She’s silent for a while, and I don’t know what to say. “All these ideas about Polyamory, and triads, and you and me and Emilia…It’s just too much for me to take in all at once. There’s so much I need to think about…”

  Nellie looks at me tenderly. “That was my reaction when Bette first told me about Polyamory. Bette seems to know a lot about such things, but…Bette always avoids getting into a relationship of her own.” Nellie shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know what her problem is. It’s really a shame, because she has so much love to give.”

  “Did you sleep with her?” I blurt out, feeling a little pang of jealousy.

  She nods. “Yeah. All of us did, Ina, me, even Caro.”

  “That’s what I thought,” I say. “Bette really seems to love you and Ina.”

  “Yes, she does, and Ina and I love her, too, though I love her more like a big sister now. She can be very protective of the people she loves. You’ll find that out, because you’ve joined ‘The Coldhearts’, or as Bette sometimes calls it, our ‘Bitch Goddess Family’.”

  I smile, and then I wrinkle my nose. “Oh, and another thing! Bette is the oldest of ‘The Coldhearts’, right?”

  “Yes, she’s twenty-seven, Ina’s twenty-four, and I’m twenty-two. You’re our baby, Jen.”

  “I know,” I sigh. “It seems I still have a lot to learn. About love, and about life...And pretty much about everything, really.”

  “That’s all right, Jenny, we’re all still learning,” Nellie says with a smile. “We never stop learning as long as we live.” Then she turns serious. “You will think about what I’ve told you? I mean about polyamory?”

  “Well, yeah, I mean, how could I not think about it, now that I know about it?”

  Nellie’s smile returns, and she caresses me with her eyes, and it warms my heart like the sound bursting through the clouds. “Wonderful,” she says, and leaning in, she puts a gentle kiss on my forehead. “And of course I want more, but I know now isn’t the right time…shall we get up, and make breakfast?”

  “Yeah. That’s an idea,” I reply, noticing how hungry I am.

  CHAPTER 9 – THE ROCKERS BALL

  “Jenny! It’s great to see you here, finally!” Ina exclaims when I enter her boutique ‘Rock the Goth’ in the medieval downtown district. “I was starting to think I’d never see you here.” She grins and gives me a big hug.

  “Hi Ina!” I smile, hugging her back. “Why would you think you’d never see me here?”

  “Because you knew I’d give you a makeover, and you weren’t ready for that?”

  My startled look tells her she’s wrong, and she laughs. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that! But I’m glad you’re here. Are you here to get some clothes to wear onstage?”

  “Well, yeah, Nellie thought I should.”

  “And she’s absolutely right, sweetheart. I mean your tank tops and black jeans are all right to wear during the day, but when you’re appearing onstage, you need something more dramatic!” Ina says. “Now wait here for a minute, I have something that’ll be perfect for you.”

  I watch her as she rushes to the back of the shop, and disappear behind a curtain. The shop is empty at 11am. Maybe it’s too early for rocker chicks and Goth girls? Taking a look around, I’m really surprised at what the boutique has to offer. As expected there are a lot of black clothes, but there are also fancy gothic dresses in purple or burgundy. As I look over them curiously, Ina comes back from the rear part of the shop with something black hanging over her arm.

  “Now, look at this dress, Jenny,” she says, beaming at me. She holds up her arms, and a sleeveless black dress unfolds. It has rows of what looks like little leather with steel buckles on the front of it, with two lines of leather running down along the side of them, holding them in place. At the waist it has a broad, black leather belt with dangling silver chains attached to it.

  I gasp as I look at it. “Wow, that really is incredible, Ina, but I don’t know…I’ve never been much into wearing dresses. Plus, it’s really short.”

  “Oh, Jenny, just come back with me and try it on, and you�
�ll see that it could’ve been made for you.” She takes my hand and drags me off to one of the changing rooms.

  I hesitate for a moment, but once inside, I get out of my jeans and sweater, and put on the black dress. I look into the full-length mirror inside the cubicle. The black dress is awfully short, it barely covers my buttocks, but it does fit me perfectly, and the way it makes me look...Oh, dear God! I take a deep breath, and push aside the curtain. I find Ina waiting for me outside of the cubicle. Taking me in, her jaw drops.

  “Oh my God, Jenny, you’re stunning! I knew this dress was made for you! Have you seen yourself in the mirror? You’re drop-dead-gorgeous. The audience will go crazy!” She grins at me. “And not just the audience, I’m sure.”

  Does she mean Nellie will go crazy? I can’t go on thinking about what she means, because she gives me an abrupt order. “Turn around for me, Jenny.”

  Following her command, I look at me in the full-length mirror on the wall opposite the changing room. I examine the back of me dubiously.

  “My thighs are too big,” I remark, “and everyone’s going to notice. And I think it shows off my ass too much, too.”

  “What?” Ina replies indignantly. “Your thighs are perfect. Do you have any idea how many girls would love to spend time between those thighs?”