Struggling Free (Hidden Secrets Book 5)

by Belden, P. J.

  Resting my hand on my stomach, I thought about my options on where I could go to get away. I just know that Kylee is going to run and tell her brother. Then there’s Casey though. Can I leave him? He deserves better than me. I care about Casey, but was it more than what I still feel for Jake?

  “Hey,” he said cautiously as he approached me.

  “Do you hate me?” I asked without looking at him.

  “Absolutely not! Why would you think that?” He said, kneeling in front of me.

  “Because you wanted me to behave myself.” I tipped my head in the direction of the restaurant. “That was far from behaving,” I said sadly.

  “I think you handled yourself well, all things considered,” he smirked.

  “Do I still get ice cream,” I bat my eyes at him while pouting my lip.

  “Definitely, but first there’s something I need to ask you?”

  “I figured,” I dropped my head.

  He tips my head up with a gentle finger beneath my chin. As he leaned in, his eyes searched mine. Casey was searching for something, it was clear in his eyes. Sealing his lips over mine, he kissed me with a need I’ve not felt in any of his kisses. When he finally broke the kiss, he rested his forehead against mine.

  “I’m falling in love with you Vicky. Every day I fall deeper and deeper. I need to know if you love me too. If there’s even a chance that you and I and this miracle here,” he ran his hand over my belly. “Is there any chance we can all be happy together and you love me too?”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jake

  Time has both dragged and flew by. I’m not sure how it’s done that, but it has. When I left Vicky’s completely crushed, I knew I was stopping at nothing to get her back. But I also knew that Vicky needed me not the addicted loser me, but the whole me. So I decided I’d give her space while I detoxed. It wasn’t pretty. My family was there for me every step of the way. If Eli had been there, I’m sure I would have ended up with black eyes. The thought made me smile. Jackson was my best support.

  Getting clean wasn't as enjoyable this time around. When I had Vicky, there was something to keep me occupied. The surprise support was Danger. Though he's an asshole on good days, he kept me focused through all of this. He said it was because I kept him distracted. Even I knew he cared. As much shit as he gives everyone, he knew he was part of a family and we'd all stick together until the very end.

  I've tried to call Nate several times but haven't been able to reach him. I know it's not because I'm missing him. He was avoiding my calls, all of our calls actually. Even Mary has tried calling. Colt decided to fly over and check on him. Jason offered to go, but he has a newborn baby to be with. Because I was a mess at the time the plan was made, no one would let me go. Probably better that way since I was the one that pissed him off to begin with.

  Stepping out in the backyard, I took a deep breath. It was a great feeling to be able to breathe and know it’s different now. I wasn’t trying to clear my head after a crazy drug induced night. No, now I know what happened last night or there were no horrid flashbacks of what happened. I wasn’t waking up on my bathroom floor anymore. I was waking normally and for the most part happily.

  The haunts that constantly beat in my head, they were gone now. Part of my family’s plan for my detox was to address the reasons I started to begin with. The hardest part was sitting down with Kayla. I felt I’ve let her down the most.

  “Will you hold Jackie for me for a second?” Kayla asked with her arms full.

  “Do you think that’s a good idea,” I grumbled.

  “You won’t hurt her. I know you,” she said confidently as she handed me Jackie.

  Holding Jackie cemented in me what I was doing this for. It was for her, Colbie, Mitchell, EJ and Ella. They needed someone to look up to and get the right information from. The man I was would never be that man. All I can do is hope that I was becoming the right man now.

  “Do you want me to take her now?” Kayla sighed, as she sat everything down.

  Looking down at my beautiful niece, “No, I’m okay right now.”

  She looked so much like her mother, but every now in then, in a face, you could see a bit of Jason in her as well. Jackie was just drop dead gorgeous even at only a month old. One day I hope to have at least one of my own. My heart clenched in my chest and I have to fight against the guilt that shot through me.

  “You almost didn’t have this because of me,” I whispered, not taking my eyes off Jackie.

  “No, I have this because of everything that happened. Look Jakey, I know what happened to me was a shock to all of you, but look at it from my prospective please.”

  “How in the world will that help me,” I yelled, causing Jackie to start to fuss.

  I bounced her gently in my arms shhing her. Slowly she calmed down and looked up at me with those gorgeous eyes of her mother. Her eyes had a calming effect on me. Soon I smiled down at her then she grabbed my finger.

  “What I mean for you to do is understand what I’m about to say. Alex took a lot from me, Jake. A lot. The only thing he hadn’t taken was you guys. I know that you guys wouldn’t have turned on me, but you would have taken the blame. And you did, Jake. You and Carson took it to heart more than the others, but you all did.”

  “How could we not, Kay? It was happening right under our noses and we didn’t even see it.”

  “Don’t you see,” Kay said as she moved in front of me. “As much as I wanted you to see, I didn’t. It wrecked you all. It’s a moment, I can’t take back from you and I hate myself for it every day. The thing is though, I wouldn’t be here right now if it all hadn’t happened. This precious little girl named after my two favorite brothers, she wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have the love of my life. Frankly,” she looked up at me, “I’m happy with my life right now. What happened is in the past. I’m not letting it taint my future, why are you?”

  For the first time I looked at my sister as the strong woman she’s become. Kayla is no longer the cute little sister that hung on my leg every time I’d leave for a while. She’s not the little girl that danced on my feet. Kayla definitely isn’t the woman that Alex thought she was. The woman that sat before me was no longer in need of her big brother’s help.

  “You are so smart, Kay Key.”

  She took a deep breath and tears filled her eyes. “No one’s called me that since…”

  “I’m so sorry. I forgot that Eli gave you that nickname. Sometimes I just…”

  “It’s okay. It just took me by surprise is all,” she said after a few moments. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”

  “Me either. I feel like I lost part of myself when he passed,” I murmured sadly.

  After a few moments of silence, she stood. “Jake, you need to let go of the guilt over me. It’s going to ruin your life. You have so much to live for. Eli lived every day he had left to the fullest. We should all take a page from him. Stop letting things stand in your way to happiness. You deserve it, whether you think you do or not.”

  Kayla was definitely smart. Never did I expect for Kayla to teach me a lesson. I always thought it was supposed to be me teaching her. Having the whole conversation with her that day changed something inside of me. It seemed to give me strength. Every time I just wanted to give up, just wanted to end it all, her words came back to me.

  My family has always had the knack of pulling together when one of us was in need, but what was even stronger was our bond not only between each other, but others we’ve pulled in along the way. Our family never judged on blood. We always judged on bonds. To make you a sibling did not mean you were blood. It simply meant you were a part of our hearts. Once you made it that far, you never left.

  Turning, I walked back inside and was greeted with a warm hug from my mother.

  “Good Morning Mother.”

  “Good Morning my dear, sweet son. How are you feeling this morning?”

  “Like I’m ready to get my life back in order,” I smiled at
her.

  No one would ever be as beautiful as my mother. Her beauty was not just in her looks, but the amazing heart she had. It shined brighter than the sun. For a long time, I hoped for my wife to be just like that. After a while and all the women only wanting me for my career, I began to doubt that I’d ever have that. Many times it got so bad that I felt like giving up my career just so I stood a chance. Now, though, now I know my future wife will have that same light because I’ve met her. Now all I need to do was make her see that too.

  One of the many things that got me through this point in my life were thoughts of my beautiful Vicky. She was guarded and hidden behind walls. I saw her struggle with our being together, that whole client thing, and I guess that made me an ass for keeping up the whole thing. The truth of the matter was I just couldn’t stop myself. Being with Vicky, I felt different. It was like for the first time I was living. I was alive. In order for my life to be complete, I needed Vicky.

  “I think you are too, but not before a good homemade breakfast.”

  “What are you going to make?”

  “Hmm, where’s that menu for Alphonzo’s?”

  “Why do you need the menu?” I asked, confused.

  “How do I know what we’re going to have without the menu,” she smirked.

  “Wait a minute. All our Sunday breakfasts were ordered out.”

  She laughed. “No Sundays were all me. Some of the other days of the week, I can’t say the same for.”

  “Oh Mama,” I teased.

  “Hey, you cook for thirteen on a regular basis and see how much time you have in a day, then we’ll talk,” she smiled.

  “Good point. Not to mention all our friends we brought home. I guess I can excuse you. Why order out today though? It’s just us and Dad.”

  She’s moving around the kitchen, opening drawers. “That’s where you’re wrong. Everyone is coming over. There is no way I’m cooking for twenty-four people son. Not without having started last night,” she laughed.

  “Good point. Cupboard by the fridge the pull out cookbook.”

  Mom smiled and patted my cheek. “Do you need my help with anything as you get things back in order?”

  “No, ma’am. I need to grovel and beg if I have to.”

  “Oh Vicky huh?”

  “Yes. I love her Mom. I just couldn’t tell her until I had my life in order first. She deserves better than that.”

  “When’s Colt leave to talk to Nate?” I asked as we browsed through the menu, writing orders down.

  “Tomorrow. I hope he can make things right again. Oh, and Nick is going instead. Colt had some things come up.”

  “Probably better that Nick go. It will get him away from his constant depression.”

  Mom stopped what she’s doing and looked at me. “What’s wrong with my boy?”

  “Um, nothing?” I said cautiously.

  “Jacob Williams! If I have to use your full name you’ll be getting put over my knee young man,” she warned.

  “Jennifer left him, but I didn’t tell you that.”

  “What? What happened?” Mom loved Jennifer. She honestly thought that the first marriage would have been between them.

  “All I know is that Nick finally told her he loved her and she broke it off with him and left. That’s all I know.” Mom gave me that look that made any of us divulge our secrets. “Okay and she moved across country. That’s really it though I swear it.”

  Mom always had a way with getting anything out of us kids. No matter what it was or how long ago it happened, she could get it out of any of us.

  “Mom you have to let him tell you.”

  “Oh, he will,” she smiled at me.

  We set about ordering the food, waiting the hour for it to get there. When it arrived, we quickly changed it out into dishes. Just as we were setting it on the table, Jack and Shannon arrived with the boys. Immediately, I was pulled into hugs from the boys. Laughing as I tickled them before they ran off, I stood to be pulled into a quick hug from Jack.

  “It’s good to see you again,” he said sadly.

  I sighed, “It’s good to be me again. Honestly, I never thought I’d get to this point.”

  “I’m glad you are. You really had me worried,” he said just as sadly.

  “No looking back right,” I grinned.

  “Right.”

  Everyone soon arrived and we were all sitting around the table enjoying the ‘homemade’ food. That’s when Jeff made a comment that had me laughing so hard I about fell out of my chair.

  “Mom, it’s official, you are where I get my cooking skills from. This is delicious as it always is.”

  Mom glared at me as my laughter became harder and harder to control. I pounded my fist on the table, tears streamed down my cheeks as Mom graciously accepted the praise for the meal. Soon Mom was joining in and followed by the boys who admittedly said they didn’t know what was so funny. That only made me laugh harder. Everyone gave me and Mom strange looks. It only served to make us laugh harder.

  Dad coughed. “You two care to share what is so funny,” he said with a small smile.

  My attention turned to Mom and she’s trying hard not to laugh. “Oh, fine,” she said. “I didn’t cook this. I ordered it from Alphonzo’s and switched everything to dishes with the help of Jake here.”

  “What?” Jeff said. “This tastes like your normal meals.”

  “That’s easy to figure out there Jeffrey,” I joked.

  “Every time?” Jeff gasped.

  “Not every time, but most of the time. Sundays have always been me.”

  “Woman, you mean to tell me that pretty much every meal you’ve cooked has been take out?” My dad asked, shocked.

  She smiled. “While the kids were here, yes, but not since they’ve been gone.”

  Now everyone around the table laughed because even Dad had no clue. Once the meal finished, we all started walking toward the living room. Mom stopped us in the hall.

  “I have a surprise for my beautiful grandchildren. Go to the backyard and see.”

  Sebastian, Atreyu, Ella, and EJ ran to the back door. We all followed. I already knew what waited in the backyard. After all it was Dad and I that built it. The older kids screamed with excitement when they saw the two story custom clubhouse and swing set in the backyard. It was almost just like a house, but not as tall. Dad had a friend come by and install a working toilet and sink in there. Mom wants campouts, but she’s too anal to go camping so this was her solution.

  We watched the kids play. Colbie was damn cute. She was just bouncing around out there the smallest of the bunch. No matter how many times she fell down, she never cried and always got back up. Definitely Carson’s daughter, that’s for sure.

  My attention was soon drawn to Kylee. She was unusually quiet. As I watched her now she seemed upset. Making my way over to her, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and squeezed.

  “Hey Ky, what’s up? It’s not like you to be this quiet.”

  “I couldn’t believe it. How could she do that to you?” She mumbled angrily.

  “Who do what to me?” I asked, confused.

  “Vicky,” she hissed.

  My body stiffened. “What did she do? When did you see her?”

  “I saw her today when I went to meet a client on designing his home. He brought his girlfriend along. Guess who his girlfriend was?”

  My heart tightened in my chest. “Vicky,” I whispered.

  “The worst part is, she’s pregnant.”

  Pregnant? Before I even realized that I was moving, I was already heading out the front door. Jumping in my car, I drove directly to Vicky’s cabin. The drive was long, but it allowed me to calm myself down a bit before I arrived. Once I pulled into her driveway, I feared what I would find.

  If she was pregnant, could it be mine? Or this new guy’s? I walked up to the door. Reaching my hand up, I knocked and fear started to consume me. She had every right to hate me. I wasn’t deluding myself on that, but it didn�
�t stop me from praying that she didn’t. Maybe I should just leave? She deserved to be happy. I sighed sadly and walked away from the door. With every step I took, my heart broke in my chest.

  “Goodbye Vicky. I’ll always love you,” I whispered as I walked away.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Vicky

  So much has happened in these last few months, I just don’t know what to think of it all. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to process it all. First, there was just meeting Jake, then our relationship, or whatever it was to him. It was a relationship to me. Eli’s death took me by surprise, but apparently they knew about his heart condition. Jake blamed me for his death and maybe he was right. I can’t seem to do anything right when it comes to anyone. Okay, aside from my clientele, but that doesn’t count. They pay me to get it right. Maybe I should have my boyfriends pay me too. That thought cracked me up.

  Next would be Jake’s not only falling off the wagon, but almost dying because of it. The look of him in that bed will always haunt me in my dreams. Next would have to be kicking Jake out. That hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

  That brought me to Casey. Casey is a good guy. Almost too good to be true. Some days I feel like I dreamed him up to help me deal with the loss of Jake. But he was real, and he’s in love with me. How could he love me? I won’t let him do more than kiss me. Even if Jake doesn’t love me, I do him and it wasn’t something I could shut off like that. If I were honest, I didn’t know Casey and I were even dating. Sure, he was over at my place almost daily, but I just assumed it was because he loved the cove. Yeah, we kissed, a lot, but people kiss all the time without dating. Hell, Jake and I fucked like rabbits and we apparently weren’t dating.

  Casey would be the perfect man to settle down with and be content in life. He’d be by my side through thick and thin. I even believe that he’d raise this child as his own never throwing in my face that it was another man’s child.