Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women

by Red Green

  And yet there are some areas where you are so obviously superior, like arm-wrestling or belching, that she will notice if you let her win, and that’s even worse. So what you need to do is to take competition out of the marriage before it begins.

  The essence of competition is confrontation, so if you remove confrontation, you will eradicate competition. I’m not talking about physical confrontation. Very few women want to challenge men to a weightlifting contest or Indian leg wrestling. I’m talking about verbal confrontation. Competition springs from verbal confrontation, and verbal confrontation springs from disagreements. So if we can avoid disagreements, we will avoid confrontation and its corollary, competition.

  However, avoiding disagreements is tricky. You will need to learn how to master the evasive answer. The only sure way to never have a point of view that offends your significant other is for her to be never completely sure of what your point of view is. It’s not an easy talent to learn, but once you have it, you will have a happy marriage and a successful future in any career that requires public approval.

  The process begins when your spouse asks you a question. You must instantly evaluate the question and assign it to the appropriate category. Is this a straight factual question, such as “Do you know where the scissors are?” If so, you can give a straightforward, concise answer. I recommend “No.” Because most of the time you just think you know where the scissors are and you’re better off saying no than sending her on a wild goose chase.

  Or maybe the question has a hint of accusation in it—“Did you prune my roses?” Be careful. Notice the tone. Calling them “my roses” indicates extreme displeasure with the pruning job. And the fact that she’s asking you means you’re her prime suspect. If you’ve been lying to women for years and learned from your father, you may be able to just go with “Nope. Not me.” If you want to take a shot at a lame answer, you could try, “No, I don’t think so.” Whaddya mean you don’t think so? No man forgets a good rose trimming. Instead, I suggest you deflect the question with “Yeah, sure, you asked me to.” Now she has to respond, which will take the focus off you and dissipate her anger. And when she says, “I did not, you idiot,” you can counter with “Oh, sorry, I thought that was what you wanted.”

  The third type of question is one that asks for your opinion of her. For example, “What is it that you like about me?” Be very, very careful. I know you have a little voice urging you to say “Everything,” but it is wrong. Terribly wrong. You may also be tempted to respond by naming a body part. Another huge mistake. The best answer, again, is one that turns it back to her: “What I like best about you is that you would care what I like at all. I love you … What’s for dinner?” Pure gold.

  The fourth and most dangerous type of question, and the one for which I have no advice, is the one asking you to defend yourself—like “How do you feel about having a vasectomy?” Especially if she just asked you where the scissors are.

  FIND YOUR CRUISING SPEED

  A marriage is a lot like an airplane. Not in the sense that you’re strip-searched regularly and are trapped in a tiny space with old magazines and with bathrooms at the back, and you have to pay for extra baggage. (Okay, in marriage you also pay for extra baggage.)

  I mean that, just like an airplane, every marriage has its ideal cruising speed. This is when you’re going slow enough to steer around mountains and flying barbecue lids, but fast enough to remain airborne. And in that airplane, one of you is the pilot and the other one is the co-pilot.

  Let’s say your wife is the pilot. Because she is. So she’s initiating all of the flight controls and you’re reacting to those changes in a way that tries to maintain the status quo. It’s not something that will come automatically or quickly, so you’ll have to work at it over an extended period of time.

  You’ll have that time because it won’t matter at first. When you’re newlyweds it’s okay for the engines to be running full throttle because you’re trying to get the marriage off the ground. But once you’ve reached altitude, you’ll both have happier lives if you can avoid the nine-thousand-foot climbs, especially if they’re followed by ten-thousand-foot drops. Your wife has two controls at her disposal:

  1) Her mood—the rudder that controls the flight direction.

  2) Her energy—the main engine that controls the speed you get to wherever she’s pointing the plane.

  You, on the other hand, have to make do with an auxiliary engine and wing flaps. But before you can work any of your controls, you need to calculate your ideal direction and cruising speed. Let’s start with direction. You will find that there are certain subjects and areas of discussion that elicit a negative reaction from your wife. Quite often these areas centre around something you’ve done in the past that has not been met with favour. These are not happy destinations for either of you. When you hear the expression “Don’t go there,” these are the places referred to.

  You need to be able to adjust the course of the airplane away from those no-fly zones. Unfortunately, your wife has the rudder and all you have are wing flaps. The best approach is to work on minor changes in direction until you get back on course. If she’s turning the plane hard to starboard, you lower the port wing flaps and the plane will either come around to a prettier place or take a lot longer to get to the ugly one.

  If she brings up that time at the office party when you slow-danced with the new receptionist, laugh if off and tell her what a bad dancer she was and that the two of you should go out dancing more often.

  After a few years of marriage, you’ll know the range on the compass that contains the good destinations and you’ll figure out how to move her towards those, one flap at a time.

  On the energy issue, you will find that your marriage has an ideal cruising speed, where you’re both contented, rather than ecstatic or suicidal. Contented is a much better target than euphoric. Happiness and depression are both exhausting. Contentment is sustainable. So when your wife has too much energy, go full flaps to slow her down. When she’s in the doldrums, fire up that auxiliary engine to get back to cruising speed.

  If the day ever comes when you’re both in sync, you can put your marriage on autopilot and start living the dream.

  PROTECTING THE EMPTY NEST

  There used to be an ad on TV where the parents would tearfully send their adult child off into the world and then immediately convert his bedroom into a home theatre with a wet bar and a hot tub. The inference being that if his bedroom was gone, so was he. That’s false advertising.

  As a man, you have a clear understanding of the many phases of life. Being single, being married, having kids, raising kids, watching the kids move out, having your life back. Your wife, on the other hand, is a mother first and foremost and forever. Maybe it’s because she’s the one who gave birth or maybe it’s just a woman’s nature to be more giving. Maybe she just likes the kid better than you do. The reason is not nearly as important as the reality.

  So if you’re serious about not wanting your son to move back in after a few years of lacklustre results in the real world, you must have a plan. Don’t bother turning his bedroom into a pleasuredome. Don’t even bother moving into a one-bedroom condo. If he wants to move back in and your wife wants him there, it will happen. It may be a pull-out couch in the dining room with his clothes stuffed into the china cabinet, but it will happen.

  It will happen because of two developments. The first will be him asking if he can move back home. The second will be your wife saying yes. You need a plan that will prevent at least one of those events from occurring.

  Forget the second one. You are not capable of preventing that one from happening. Your wife is never going to turn her back on a whiny son in a million years. Even if she agrees to support your position of tough love by making the boy fend for himself, it will be a short-lived and miserable solution. She’ll be upset and worried all the time and, worst of all, she’ll blame you.

  So forget the second event and focus on the fi
rst, which is your son asking if he can move back home. If you do it right, you can prevent that from happening. But you’ve got to start early. By the time he’s three, you can start programming him to accept the importance of moving through all the stages of nature. Tell him about how the mother and father bird build a nest and hatch eggs and then feed the baby birds until they’re old enough to fly. And once they fly away, they don’t live in the nest anymore. Explain to him that if he ever does return to your nest, you will be sitting on him until he flies away for good.

  As he gets older and starts to idolize Superman or Batman, point out to him how neither of those guys lives with their parents. Then, when he starts bringing girls over, behave badly. Underdress and play CDs of military music.

  Let him know that you care about him and are there to help and support him, but don’t ever allow him to think that living with his parents is his best or only option. If he doesn’t want to move back home, that’s half the battle. The other half is making sure he doesn’t need to move back home. That will require an income. That will require him having a job. That’s where you need to go to the fathers of his friends, because they’re all in the same boat.

  Nobody wants to ask their employer to hire their son, but they have no problem recommending a friend’s son. So that’s what you guys do. You form a brotherhood to make sure you keep each other’s kids employed and solvent and out there in the big, big world where they can prosper rather than coming back into your tiny, tiny world and ruining everything.

  MUCH ADO ABOUT TO DO

  I remember years ago meeting an old guy who told me he had to get home and take care of his honeydews. I thought maybe that meant he was a melon farmer, which is how he struck me, but no, what he meant was “honey do’s”—things his wife would tell him she needed to have done. Honey, do this; Honey, do that; Honey, stop touching me—that kind of thing. I’m sure it was all written down on a piece of paper.

  I don’t know if married couples do that anymore, where the wife will write up a “to do” list for the husband. Maybe she thinks it will annoy him to see her demands written out like that, especially if he’s already busy with other things. Maybe she feels guilty in this age of equality—she doesn’t want to look incapable of doing the things herself. Maybe the husband actually is annoyed at being handed a “to do” list on a Saturday morning when he was going to watch cartoons for a few hours and then just waste the rest of the day.

  Well, if that’s the case, then you guys need to give yourselves a shake. The “to do” list from your wife is one of the greatest boons to married life that you will ever experience. She’s taken the time to write the jobs down clearly and legibly. That required her to think about all of them clearly and legibly. And she put them in a certain order based on importance or urgency or whatever.

  The reason for the order is not important; the order is the key. If you’re lucky enough to have a wife who would take the time to create a “to do” list, you need to treat her well. Don’t whine or groan when she hands you the list. Give her a big smile and a kiss and thank her. Take the list, look it over, ask any questions to help clarify the items, fold it up neatly and put it into your shirt pocket.

  And ask her for the pen. It’s important that you get the pen.

  Let me explain why these lists are such a boon for a husband. For starters, they may represent the only times in your entire married life when you will know what your wife wants. And you will know the order in which she wants it.

  Also, the list, until you’re handed the next one, is finite. So rather than facing an unending barrage of confusing complaints and suggestions, you have an itemized list—clear and legible—of what you can do to make her life better. In fact, I would suggest you go one step further and, before starting in on the list, you say to your wife, “I’m going to do everything on this list as quickly as I can and to the best of my ability, and I’m going to do them in the order you’ve asked because I want to do everything I can to give you a happy life. To help me do that, would you please put a number beside each job, showing how much happier you’ll be, as a percentage of your current level of happiness, so I’ll know for sure that what I’m doing is making you happy.” Hand her the pen so she can write the percentages, but make sure you take it back. Then get to work. And as each job gets done, come and report to your wife and stand there until you can visibly see that she’s exactly the percentage happier that she committed to.

  The only wrinkle you’ll encounter is that while you’re doing one of the jobs and are nowhere near the end of the list, your wife will think of something else she’d like you to do. Again, rather than have a negative reaction, smile and thank her, but then hand her the list, and the pen, which you’ve guarded, and have her add the new item to the list in the spot where she thinks it should go. And remind her to include the percentage increase in her happiness once it’s done.

  Your marriage will be so happy, you won’t know what to do with yourself. But that’s okay, your wife will think of something to do with you.

  THE REALITY GAME

  A lot of women these days are watching those reality shows. The ones where people get voted off the island or are doing dumb things for money or are just living large and sleazy and letting the cameras capture it all. Often, their husbands are critical of these viewing choices and thereby make their marriages as volatile as the ones where the couples are getting paid to have arguments.

  So if your wife is one of these women who really enjoy reality shows, I suggest you use that as an opportunity to get her to agree with you, rather than an opportunity for you to disagree with her.

  To begin with, you need to watch the shows with her and pretend to enjoy them. Talk about the various strategies among the players and speculate as to how the contest is going to go. Even be the one who reminds her when the shows are on, so she doesn’t miss them.

  After a couple of months, start to make subtle comments that question the reality of reality shows. Like, if these people are deep in the Amazon rainforest, how do they find theatrical lighting? And when we see the contestants living in small huts made from wapiti dung and eating slugs and small lizards because that’s the only food source, what about the crew? And the director? Is it possible that they’re staying down the street at the Hyatt and eating at the Cracker Barrel? I would think so. They’re not getting a big prize at the end. What cameraman in his right mind would give up working on Jeopardy! to go to Fiji and eat a monkey?

  So now you’ve created doubt. Doubt about how real this reality is. Be upset about it. Tell her how disappointed you are to realize that you’ve been manipulated by these Hollywood producers. You got sucked in by the compelling premise that these were real people put in dangerous situations with real consequences. Sure, the scenery is nice and the people are somewhat attractive and a little interesting, but the main reason you were watching was the appeal of catching them off guard. Catching them being themselves.

  To now suspect that the show is contrived, well, that’s a setback and you’re going to need a moment. This is like hiding in the bushes outside a neighbour’s house and, when you peek in the window, you see them performing Macbeth. That’s not satisfying.

  Watch your wife’s reaction. It may take a few weeks, but if you do it right, she may start to agree with you. Suddenly, she will start to lose interest in reality shows. This is when you have to make your move. You lament the downfall of reality shows because they were the only thing on television that wasn’t scripted or contrived or somehow manipulated by producers and directors. She will agree. You will go on: Wouldn’t it be great if there were true reality shows on television, with real people facing difficult challenges and with meaningful consequences? She will agree. You will go on further. (This may require fake surprise, as discussed in another part of this book.) Hey, wait a minute! There are shows like that on television! Lots of them! They’re called sports!

  Give it a try. It didn’t work for me.

  ACCOUNTING ERRO
RS

  If you’re the one who pays the bills in the family and you’re feeling the crunch and you just can’t take it anymore, you will be tempted to criticize your wife for the things she buys. It may be thirty or forty pairs of shoes that look identical to you, it may be weekly beauty treatments that, as far you’re concerned, aren’t working, it may be classes that she’s taking to learn how to make useless, ugly things that she can display all over the house. Whatever it is, you have identified it as a waste of money and you want to confront her about it.

  No, you don’t. You are under the influence of Satan. He thrives on unhappy marriages and that’s what you will have the moment you bring up this subject. You see the problem as the money she is spending. Even though you think that’s what you’re saying, that’s not really what you’re saying. Your message to her at that moment is this: “We used to have a certain level of scrutiny on purchases in this relationship and that has led us to a point where we are no longer financially viable, and therefore I am suggesting that we invoke a higher level of clearance for all of our purchases.”

  I know you didn’t say that. I know you didn’t say anything remotely like that. What you said was something like “You gotta back off on the Pilates. You’re killing me here.” But what she heard is the sentence I already told you. And since you live in a relationship of total equality, if the level of scrutiny has gone up for her purchases, it’s also gone up for yours.

  That’s going to be a problem. Suddenly, your purchases will come under the same microscope. The boat, the Jet Ski, the snowmobile, the ATV that you absolutely had to have that doesn’t even run, the golf membership, the Cigar of the Month Club, the Red Green merchandise … the list goes on and on.

  And it only gets worse. Not only will she compare the number of questionable expenditures, she’ll also want to see the comparable total costs of those expenditures. That will not help you. She can get a whole lot of pedicures for the cost of a snowmobile. And she doesn’t have to license or insure a pedicure.